Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!
It has been a year my friends, The journey, my journey—our journey will begin in about 2 days from now. Tomorrow, the 8th of April Manila, Philippines time, my life will change, everything will turn upside down and I wouldn’t know where to start. You guys then will be my support, my strength and my fortress.
What a year it has been!!! I couldn’t believe that it has been a year already and look at me, all moved on and not hurt or pissed anymore! There are hiccups along the way, losing friends—my best friends (or so I though) was not easy and you helped me get back on track. You all here, helped me one way or another. I felt like I was drowning or even being buried but you helped me get back on my feet. That’s intense!
So to celebrate the year it has been and my 27th birthday here are my goals or resolutions or to-dos hahaha.
- I’ll be more around, more present.
- I’ll try to be more interactive, I swear I am trying my best hahaha.
- I will continue to change for the better.
To everyone who continue to read whatever I have to write and listen to whatever I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being there.
To the TFIOB family, ilang months lang yata akong HIATUS ang dami na nadagdag hahaha let’s see each other again soon!
And most especially to these people:
Space, Kat, Kate, Amielle, Alona, Jhem, Aubrey, Lhory, Bharath, Jolens, Ica, Eca, Krishel, Mommy Meg, CJ, Chammy, Aysa, Kuya Keso, Jassie, Rhea, Kuya Jheff, Ely, Jonathan
– SALAMAT NG MARAMI.
Aside from all the ganaps in the office, I wanted more space for myself hence the little hiatus but I’m still on twitter anyway. I guess that’s the INFJ in me. Bigla biglang nawawala hahaha. I hope you understand. I needed to focus on healing myself emotionally. I went to church (almost) every Sunday, I went boxing about 2 to 3 times a week, I worked on myself so that I could give or share more of myself to you diba hehehe.
I just want to say as well, I AM BACK ❤
Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.
Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.
It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.
I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.
I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.
You were there in my trying times.
Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?
Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.
Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?
Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?
Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.
Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?
Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?
Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!
Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.
And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.
My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.
Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.
I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.
But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.
And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.
I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.
If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)
- I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
- I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
- The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
- So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
- Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
- It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)
But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)
So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.
I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)
Good vibes lang!
Habang nakikinig ako ng mga OST ng Yu Yu Hakusho (Ghost Fighter) naalala ko yung 90s.
Late 90s na ‘to sumikat satin pero ’92 ‘to nilabas ng mga hapon.
’97-98 ko yata tinangkilik ang Yu Yu Hakusho pero tuwing naririnig ko yung mga OST nila, lalo na yung Smile Bomb, naaalala ko yung kung paano ang mundo ko nung bata pa ako.
*nostalgia coming up*
Namimiss ko yung pag-kagising ko, uupo ako sa upuang ratan na tamang tama lang para sa size ng isang 4 years old. Regalo ito sakin ng lola ko, isang set ng ratan na lamesa na may kasamang 3 upuan. Doon ko nilalagay ang mga palayok (palayok palayukan ang tagawa ko) ko, maliliit din na siyang binili ng lola ko sa kung saan, sa palengke ba? Hindi ko na matandaan.
Doo’y maglulutulutan na ako at tsaka magkukunwaring naghahanda ng almusal.
Tuwing maglalakad ako, kakalembang ang 2 maliliit na belles na nasa anklet na bigay sa akin ng tita ko.
Pabalik balik ako mula sa ratan set patungo sa kama ng mama ko at papakainin ko siya ng almusal-almusalan na kunwari’y ginawa ko.
Namimiss ko ding problemahin kung paano ako makakatulog ng tanghali dahil hindi ako inaantok ngunit kailangan sapagkat hindi ako papayagan lumabas at makipaglaro sa mga bata doon sa looban kapag hindi ako natulog ng tanghali.
Sa banig ako matutulog, habang nakikinig ang lolo ko sa transistor niya (bulag ang lolo ko kaya mas mahal niya ang transistor kaysa sa TV nya)
Kapag nagising na ako, papakainin na ako ng kung nong meryendang inihanda ng lola ko pagkatapos ay manonood ng Ang TV at lalabas na. Makikipaglaro ng kung anong laro ang trip ng mga bata sa looban.
Iba yung pakiramdam kapag lumalabas ako non tuwing hapon. Kalma, hindi na mainit ang araw at nakakatuwa ang ingay ng mga bata (baka ako lang natutuwa kasi bata rin ako noon) Pawis na pawis ako parati at madalas pandilatan ng lola ko pag uuwi na ako dahil ang babae daw ay hindi dapat nagtatatarang at nagtatatakbo sa labas. Pero gusto ko eh.
Nakakamiss maging bata. Nakakamiss yung hapon noon. Yung klima, yung kalma. Nakakamiss ang lolo at lola ko. Namimiss ko lahat.
Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe
I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.
Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.
Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.
Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?
Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.
Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.
Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.
Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.
When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.
Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.
I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-
So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.
Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.
Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?
Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out
“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”
then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.
“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”
So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.
Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!
Ipapasok ko sana yung mga litrato namin ng mga kuya ko dito mula bata kami kaso yung iba nandon sa isang taong di na parte ng buhay ko. Pinapascan ko kasi sakanya nung 2009 tapos na-ondoy tapos ewan ko na. peste.
Anyway, ayun. Marami na kasing nakapagtanong sakin nito tapos hindi ko alam kung ano yung isasagot ko kasi??? Feeling ko normal lang yun??? Hindi ko naman kasi naiintindihan dati yung ano yung feeling ng walang kuya? Kasi hello, ang dami nila so pano ko malalaman ang difference?
Pano ko malalaman ang difference? Pag tumanda na kami. At ngayong matanda na kami, alam ko na yung pakiramdam.
Kuyas and Memories
- Nung Nanganak ang mama namin sa bunso, si Kuya Aldwin ang kasama ko sa bahay. Grade 3 ako nun. Tapos sabi ko sa Kuya Aldwin ko kailangan niya akong ayusan ng buhok kasi magagalit teacher ko kapag hindi nakatali. Sabi nya sa akin, sige daw. Mabilis kaming kumilos, pinakain nya ako, naligo at nagbihis ako. Pagtapos nun sabi niya “anong ayos ba gusto mo?” sabi ko “pigtails!” ayun, mahigit 30 minutes nya akong inaayusan. Tuwang tuwa ako non kasi pinagkalat ko sa class namin na kuya ko yung nagpony ng buhok ko. Iba yung kilig kasi sinasabi ng mga classmates ko “wowwwww talagaaa” ganern.
- Hindi pa ako nag-aaral non, siguro 3 or 4 years old lang ako tapos ang nagbabantay sakin isang hapon ay si Kuya Aldous (ang pangalawang matandang kuya ko) tapos nakikipaglaro ako sa mga kapitbahay namin tapos sabi niya “diyan ka lang, babalik ako ah” tapos pagbalik nya nakangiti sya, may bitbit syang laruan pero ayaw niya ipakita sakin tapos hinabol ko sya papasok sa bahay namin. May laruan na golf set siyang binili. Siguro 15 lang sya nun tapos huhuhuhu di ko alam san niya kinuha yung pera na pinambili niya non. Naaalala ko gustong gusto ko yung golf golfan na yun eh!
- Pinakapaboritong alala ko kasama si Kuya Theo ay marami huhu pero yung nakatatak sa puso’t kaluluwa ko eh yung nagpapanggap pa rin siyang may Santa Claus for my sake. Alam na niya kung sino si Santa pero hindi niya sinasabi sa akin. Paniwalang paniwala ako tapos chillax lang siya. May regalo din kasi si Santa sakanya pero kahit madalas kaming nagaaway hindi niya sinira yung childhood ko at sinabi sakin kung sino talaga si Santa Claus. Mehehe
- Paborito kong sinasabi yung “Isusumbong kita sa kuya ko” o kaya naman “Patay ka sa kuya ko ah” kapag may epal sa buhay ko. Wala din namang nagtangka na bwisitin ako further nung bata ako dahil nga takot sila sa mga kuya ko. Kasi alam ko din na mananagot kung sino man yung kakanti sa akin haha. Siguro bukod sa dugong batangena ko, kaya din ako matapang kasi nga hehehe 3 kuya ko bwahaha
- Lahat sila nakapaghugas ng pwet ko o nalabhan damit ko. Lahat ng pag-aalaga natamo ko. Lahat din ng pangaasar pero keri lang.
- Madalas kong kaaway si kuya Altheo nung bata kami. Maldita kasi ako tapos ang sakit kasi niyang mangkaltok kaya napapaiyak talaga ako sa sakit. Minsang kinaltukan niya ako sabay belat wala akong ibang nagawa kundi kagatin ang sarili ko sabay sigaw “mama si kuya kinagat ako!!” BWAHAHAHAHA.
- Lagi silang nanonood ng cheering compets ko or pagsasayaw or kahit anong performance. Lagi din sila kasama ko sa mga kung ano anong bagay.
- Dati si Kuya Aldwin nagtrabaho for fun nung college siya tapos sa unang sweldo niya binilhan niya ako ng A Bug’s Life na t-shirt. Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako non. Grade 1 lang ako non eh.
- Tinutulungan din nila ako lalo na nung nagaaral pa ako bwahaha. Tapos binibilhan ako ng mga gusto ko. Ay nga pala, dapat isang number pa to pero dito nalang ilalagay haha. Isang beses, college na ako non, umuulan tapos sa kanto lang ako bababa. Kapag ganon kasi, susunduin ako ni Kuya Theo na may bitbit na payong. Tapos nung araw nay un, tulog pala siya. Bale sumugod ako sa ulan tapos pinagalitan ko siya paguwi ko. Sinesermonan ko na hindi manlang niya ako sinundo at basing basa ako sa ulan bwahahah.
- Tapos yung last, hanggang ngayon sa kanila pa rin nanggagaling ang cellphone ko HAHAHAHA.
Hindi ko madescribe kung anong pakiramdam ng mayroong 3 kuya kaya based on the 10 facts sana nalaman niyo.
Bottomline para akong may 3 tatay at kaberks hahaha. Ang dami ko pang ililista diyan pero sa susunod na.