“It Felt Wrong”

How timely is it that this revelation occurred on a Thursday? Throwback Thursday!

There’s nothing more refreshing than finally knowing what caused all these chaos. All these trauma.

It’s overwhelming and unbelievable to get confronted by my amygdala. The wonders of the human brain. It’s just unbelievable and must I say, brilliant?

Finally, after burying every single detail from when I was 11 and 13 and 14, the memory of each experience have returned and the reunion was bittersweet. I have come to terms with the bitterness of the traumatic experience but let’s not fail to acknowledge the sweetness of knowing why all these tears, why the depression?

I have come to terms and I am at peace with the fact that yes, I was sexually abused by a child.

Not raped but well, sexually abused.

Not by strangers, no. But by people I am related to.

Not my dad, not my brothers, not my uncles, not my cousins.

I was sexually abused and when I was 11, 13 and 14, I didn’t even know it was called THAT. All I know was it felt wrong but I didn’t know what was right.

 It was not an intercourse. My virginity was not taken but it was equally as scarring as any form of sexual abuse.

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PMS 101

Premenstrual Syndrome this is all too familiar for us women right? I don’t know about you but I have different PMS phases for every month. Sometimes a combination of 2 or 3 emotions hah! For Kyx to understand it better, we both made different phases or stages of my PMS and let me share it with you.

PMS Hungry – this is when I can devour everything in 10 minutes or sometimes, this is when I get hungry every 45 minutes or so. This is the time I crave for random things as well!

PMS Angry – this is when I get angry (mostly at Kyx) even when he just breathes in and out lels.

PMS Happy – this is a rare phase but at least I have something like this. This is when I am very happy and extra considerate of people’s feelings especially Kyx’s.

PMS Lonely – this is when I get sad over everything.

PMS Crazy – this is when a combination of other phases occur!

PMS Emotional – this is the most common PMS phase or stage I have. I cry over small things, I get happy over small details, I get sad over a lot of things—I just go into a wild rollercoaster ride when in this phase.

PMS Auto-Demon – this is my and kyx’s least favourite phase. This is when most probably during full moon lol. It’s when I get really really frustrated that I would get very mad and irrational.

PMS Lovey Dovey – this is when I am extra clingy or I want Kyx to make lambing for as long as I want then make him stop when I am satisfied. Lels.

I guess that’s about it. More PMS phases may be unleashed some other time but for now, that’s all I got. How about you?

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E02: Puro Sakit Na Lang Ba?

Malungkot ang mga araw ko non. Hindi ko na kasi nakakatext si Kyx, hindi ko na rin siya nakakausap. Hindi ko rin siya tinitignan. Pinapakita ko sakanya na wala na akong pakielam sakanya matapos niya akong sigawan? Aba?? Sino ba sya! Pero ang sakit. Kasi habang dumadaan ang mga araw, naghihintay ako na magsosorry siya, na magtetext siya sakin o kaya tatawagan niya ako sa landline para magsorry. Dumaan ang Pasko at Bagong Taon pero hindi pa rin kami naguusap.

Araw araw ang sakit kasi tinitingnan ko yung Friendster profile niya, tinitignan ko kung may message siya or testi para sakin pero wala.

Hanggang sa February na, wala pa rin tapos naguumpisa na akong mag move on. Hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan. Yan yung sinasabi ko sa sarili ko araw araw. Dahan dahan na rin ako nawalan ng pakielam sakanya. Parang napatawad ko na siya sa pagsigaw niya sa akin at parang natanggap ko na na kagaya ng ibang crush crush na yan, short lived lang ang samin at walang ibang mararating.

Same month, February 2008, namatay ang lolo ko. Kahit alam niyang close ako sa lolo ko, kahit nakita niya akong umiiyak sa school pagkatapos ng Prom practice namin nung tinawag ako ng guidance counselor, pinapauwi na dahil nga namatay na pala ang lolo ko, hindi niya ako nilapitan. Hindi rin niya ako tinext, wala siyang sinabi. Magtatampo na sana ako pero naalala ko na “hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan”. Nung prom, hindi niya rin ako sinayaw. Buong gabi akong naghintay na isayaw niya ako pero hindi. Wala siyang isinayaw non. Nakaupo lang sya. Hindi niya ako tinitignan, di ko rin siya tinitignan kapag alam kong makikita niya ako.

Buong gabi pinapakita ko sakanya na ang saya saya ko, na okay lang ako kahit may pinagdadaanan ako, na nageenjoy ako kasama yung mga kaibigan ko. Ang ending, ako lang din pala yung mukang tanga. Nagpapanggap akong masaya kahit wala naman pala siyang pakielam na. Diba?

Huling linggo ng February, binalik ng teacher naming ang TLE Project namin na “Book Bind”. Doon sa book bind na iyon, papasulatan namin ng mensahe ang mga kaibigan namin. Pinasulatan ko yung book bind ko na yun sa lahat kasama si Kyx pero hindi niya ako pinasulat sa kanya. 😦

Sakit. Puro sakit nalang. Kawawa naman yung 16 year old landi-self ko huhu =)))

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E01

Dumaan ka na bas a matinding confusion? Denial? At kung ano ano pang “on the side”? Ako rin.

High school friend ko si Kyx. Pero siya yung isa sa mga kaunting lalaki doon sa school namin na yun na walang pakielam sa mga babae. Ang nasa utak lang niya ay ang pag-cocomputer—DOTA at pagbabanda banda kasama ang kaniyang mga friends. Hindi siya mahilig makipagusap o makipagkaibigan sa mga babae at iba pang mga tao sa school. Kumbaga may sarili silang mundo ng mga kaibigan niya. Cool kids sila na walang pake. Cool kids na tahimik. Hindi sila binubully ng mga pabibong bully kids sa school—tipong may respeto sakanila? Ganong levels.

Ako naman, kasama ako dun sa mga nerdy o “geeks” kung tawagin. Ayoko na ikwento kasi hindi ko naman na kaibigan yung mga kaibigan ko noon. Pero basta ganon.

Magkaibang magkaiba kami kaya hindi ko rin ineexpect na magiging mabuting kaibigan ko siya. Naging magkaibigan lang kami dahil sa 2 tao na pinagtagpo kami. Hanggang sa lagi na kaming magkatext at nagtetelebabad sa landline.

Pero parehas kaming nagpapakiramdaman. Parehas kaming hindi sigurado sa nararamdaman.

Crush ko na siya nung December 2007 pero ayokong sabihin sakanya kasi kilala ko siya. Wala siyang interes sa mga crush crush. Wala siyang pake. Wala sa utak niya yon.

Dahil sa encouragement ng mga friends ko (noon lang ko sila friends ah hahahahah) niyaya ko si Kyx na sumama samin sa Mega Mall pagkatapos ng Christmas Party. Nung gabi bago ang Christmas Party namin, tinawagan ko siya sa bahay nila.

Ako: Kyxa! Hello!!

Kyx: Bakit? (masungit ang tono)

A: Sama ka samin, magpupunta kami sa Mega Mall pagkatapos ng Christmas Party eh.

K: Ayoko. May iba akong kasama eh. (masungit pa rin)

A: Sino? Sina Jem? Sina Ambal? Sumama nalang kaya kayo samin? Para happy!

K: Ayoko nga eh. Ang kulit mo ah!! (sinigawan na niya ako)

A: Ah okay sige bye na.

Binaba ko yung telepono at hindi ko na hinintay kung ano yung sasabihin niya. Yun yung huling beses na kinausap ko siya sa taong 2007.

Hindi ko na rin siya tiningnan, hindi ko na siya kinausap. Nagalit ako kasi sinigawan niya ako pero siguro kaya ako nagalit kasi nasaktan ako. Naramdaman ko na matapos ang lahat ng kilig ko sakanya, matapos ang pagpapalit namin ng ID (oo may ganong factor. palandi effect yata yun nung panahon ko huhu), matapos ang lahat ng pagpupuyat namin sa pagtetelebabad, wala pala siyang nararamdaman sakin. Wala lang pala at kaibigan lang pala kasi talaga.

Weekend! Sept. 30 – Oct. 1

My weekend wasn’t fancy nor was it something great but some weekends are meant to be laidback just like this one.

September 30 – Saturday

  • It wasn’t too busy at work although I wish I was somewhere else instead of spending 8 hours at work.
  • After work, I met up with 2 of my Telus buddies, Suz and Crissy. We chose to spend time chit chatting at Costa coffee near my office. It was homey and cozy and not a lot of people hangs out at underrated coffee places like Costa hehe. After coffee, we went to Mercato at around 7pm. I ate lehon and a whole bunch of isaw manok and baboy. I was soooo full.
  • When I got home, I puked everything that I ate. My mom said it was “indigestion” hahahaha ang takaw ko daw kasi. Ayun, sinuka ko din lahat and until now, masakit pa rin lalamunan ko huhu.

October 1 – Sunday

  • I was still not feeling well so I didn’t get to go with my mom and sisters when they visited Laguna. Then Kyx had to go to his meeting so I was left at my mom’s house and slept the afternoon away. I even packed my watercolour and art materials thinking that I’d spend a lot of alone time for the day but boy was I wrong HAH!
  • Kyx picked me up at around 6pm and he bought my favourite goodies from Bread Talk which I absolutely loved!
  • When we got home, we had dinner with his parents and afterwards, Kyx and I watched movies. First movie was Gerald’s Game and the second one was a Korean film. I slept halfway the last movie and felt so sorry because Kyx wasn’t able to work that evening just so we could have our time together. Hehe. Anyway, he deserves time off! He works every freaking day (he’s home based so well, whatev)

Overall, I think my weekend is pretty nice. Minus the fact that I acquired an eye irritation due to allergies. Until now, I have this floater; a sac thing with water inside and it’s so itchy.

How was your weekend?

Oh btw, I’ll post the photos here later 😀

Tanong

Minsan maiisip mo baka oo, baka hindi. Madalas hindi mo na alam kung anong sagot. Madalas tinatanong mo ang sarili mo pero magkaiba ang sagot ng puso at isipan mo. Dalawang magkaibang sagot, parehong naiintindihan mo pero hindi mo alam kung alin sa dalawa ang papakinggan mo.

Madalas hinahanap mo ang mga sagot sa tanong, pero hindi mo alam kung saan sila makikita. Hindi mo alam kung andiyan lang ba sa tabi tabi o kung nasa puso mo na mismo ayaw mo lang halungkatin, ayaw mo lang harapin?Hanap ka ng hanap kahit di mo naman alam saan titingin.

Pero lahat ng tanong nasasagot sa tamang panahon. Lahat ng tanong may kasagutan hindi lang natin agad maintindihan.

Dumating na ako sa punto na ako na mismo sumagot sa tanong ko, kahit di ko alam kung tama o mali, sinagot ko at pinanindigan ko ang napili kong kasagutan. Nung alam ko na at napaniwala ko na ang sarili ko sa mga kasagutan na ginawa gawa ko lang, biglang dumating ang tamang panahon at siya na mismo ang sumagot sa mga matagal ko nang hinahanapan ng kahulugan at kasagutan.

Baka ganyan din. Dadating din ang tamang pagkakataon, dadating din ang panahon na masasagot ang lahat ng tanong.

Positivity!

Pagkatapos kong malugmok, ipinakita sakin ni God na masyado akong naka-focus sa mga nakakapag-pa-stress sakin kaya kinailangan pa niyang ipakita sa akin na kaya kong maging okay.

  1. After writing about my little drama I had, I felt better. Moreover, I felt even better when you guys commented and helped lift my spirits! No matter how simple your messages were, it was enough to make me feel better again. Nakakaiyak yung mga comforting words niyo huhuhuhu 💖💖💖
  2. I keep a copy of the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff OMNIBUS at my work table. I usually read it every morning but it has been a few days since I last opened it. When I did, what I saw left me surprised and tearful. The title is “Light a Candle Instead of Cursing the Darkness” it says that instead of stressing ourselves out over the problems we face, it’s best to find a solution. The line that caught my attention the most was this “taking positive, solution-oriented steps toward improving a situation instead of complaining about what’s wrong. It means being more a part of the solution rather than a reminder or reinforcement of the problem” (I must remember this)

Another one is this “When we focus too much on what’s wrong, it reminds us of other things we disapprove of or wish were different, which can lead us toward feelings of discouragement and being overwhelmed”


                As much as I can, I shall try to remind myself of these techniques or strategies in order to avoid dramas and too much stress.

  1. I was informed today that some of my overtime pay will be credited on this particular cut-off. I didn’t know how to react. I will have my pang-shopping and my sister’s school fee! Muhahahahahahahahah.

Aside from those, I realized that God and the Universe is really trying to make me feel better through small things that go unnoticed. Traffic wasn’t so bad today despite the fact that traffic was 10 million times heavier yesterday in Pasig compared to most days! It was insane. So I sort of expected another grueling battle with the traffic in Pasig. Surprisingly, it was moderate and actually a bit fast moving! My coffee has just the right amount of sugar and creamer. You see, being a batanguena I like my kapeng barako black. But my mom insists on putting creamer and sugar in it para hindi daw masyadong matapang. I don’t like creamy coffees and yesterday, my coffee is way too creamy for my liking. Today, it was just perfect! Another thing is that, payroll has been credited early!! Compared to other companies, our payroll gets credited later than everyone else’s kaya hallelujah talaga sa salary kanina! HAHAHA.

Ayan na si Kyx 😂


Paepal lang 😂

Yung pinagpeprepare pa ako ni mama ng baon ☺️

Mama and Aila 😘

Lastly, siguro hinga lang ng malalim, tapos laban lang ulit!