Kyx Lately

 

Kyx and I have been together for over 2 years now (going on our 3rd year this August) and man, all the changes, adjustments and stuff we had to deal with were cray but I feel so grateful that I have him in my life.

So for my new blog friends and readers who haven’t read a whole bunch of writings from the past, let me introduce to you, Kyx.

Kyx is my boyfriend. You pronounce it as “kicks”. No that is not some made up name he made to be cool. That’s really his nickname. His real name is Kyxarie and you don’t pronounce it as “kicksari” you say it as “kee-sa-ri” okay now that’s said and done, let’s move on. Hahaha. I just feel like I had to tell you guys how to pronounce it so you could read it without confusion lol.

Okay so going back, Kyx is this wonderfully artistic, creative, long-haired illustrator slash love of my life. He is my best friend and my confidante. He’s patient and wise and I just can’t reiterate enough how much of a blessing he is in my life.

You see, for the past 3 months, I dealt with a roller coaster ride filled with torturous obstacles!! I had to deal with friendship drama, anxiety, depression and OCD. Imagine dealing with someone so disastrous as me?

So for a quick background, let me just say that whatever I am going through, it’s not like something we see on TV shows and on movies. It’s totally different. I am very high functioning but after all that I have to do on a given day, I would lie on my back, stare blankly at the walls and sometimes I cry without even knowing why I am crying in the first place. On some days, I’d spend so much time in the bathroom using about 1 body wash, 1 milky soap and 1 organic butter soap for cleaning my skin and moisturizing it taking all the time I need only to find myself taking about more than an hour of my life to just bathe and reflect on different things. Sometimes I find it normal, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’d be so talkative, other times Kyx wouldn’t hear a word coming from my mouth. And Kyx had to deal with all of this without getting mad at me. Without treating what I’m doing as “bullshit” and perfectly trying to understand what I am going through without judging me.

The other day, I was being extra annoying, brutal and monstrous. I’ve been on the pill because of my acne problems (and my mom is actually pursuing it low-key because she wants me on birth control) and these hormonal pills are just plain making me a walking disaster! My moodswings skyrocketed to 80% and I was downright nasty to deal with. I was throwing a tantrum here and there but Kyx is just being his kind and comforting self. *sobs* Then while I was being particularly angry for a mindless reason, I pinched Kyx so hard until it sorta bled. My oh my the horror when I saw his skin turned really pink and then a bit of blood oozing from a small scratch I made! Right then and there, I realized how mean I was being and immediately pulled myself together. Kyx—being ever so patient, just hugged me and told me it’s okay and that I’ll be okay.

I still feel sorry for being such a crazy adult. These meltdowns have to stop, I know. I just am really grateful that no matter how absurd I was, Kyx is still there for me.

Dreams

 

To be honest, I still dream about you and how cruel everything turned out to be. You made me look so bad and you overlooked the goodness I did. You made it seem like in the course of our friendship, I never was a good friend when in fact I did everything I can to be a good friend to you and the others. And that tears me so much more than it should. But still, I smile because I know I am going to be okay. That this isn’t the end of the world. That this is something I should be very grateful about.

Back In My Element

 

Maybe the Mercury retrograde is over and I’m glad it is! I figured it has a lot to do with the way things were for me and I just can’t thank the universe enough for freeing me!

Here’s what I am doing now after all the shit I have been through:

  • I wasn’t able to paint for a month and that’s what I’ll be doing in the next couple of days. I owe myself the art I am passionate about. Can’t wait also to use 2 sets of my new brushes that I’ve only used once!
  • I also have written good things now. Like finally, a breath of fresh air! I have been suffocated from the anger and sadness and now, it’s time for a change.
  • I was able to start and (so far) maintain the bullet journal I have for about 2 weeks now. It’s helping me get things done and keeping me hopeful and inspired daily.
  • I have been blog reading again and soon enough I get to your blog slowly but surely. I haven’t read the blogs of my friends here on wordpress that I usually read. I lost track of Liezel the amazing dog from owning a dog with anxiety , I wasn’t able to read Anaida’s very helpful entries, I wasn’t able to check Lu’s art and amaaaaaazing written insights and I’ve missed out on a lot! Also, wasn’t able to read about Kendall’s life which I usually read! Bharath’s life and stories, I wasn’t able to read the ever supportive The Syntax of Things Blog as well and a whole lot more from my friends. I owe you guys and thanks for being patient with me. Thanks also for being there for me when I needed support and encouragement.

 

I have also been more focused on my work and I follow my own strict schedule which is good news! Lels.

Overall, I’m back in my element and nothing feels more refreshing than this!

Some Random Stuff

 

I feel like I have been so stressed out on my birth month and surprisingly, I still don’t find the need to dread my birthday. I have finally overcome the birthday blues I’ve had for years.

Back to my stress. Now, since being stressed is my thing for a month now, I have to deal with pimples and break outs. My god. Like I don’t even know where to start! I have really bad acne now and I never had to deal with this before that my 15 year old self is actually confused right now. LOL. I don’t know how to prevent it but I guess I need to visit my dermatologist soon!

Also, I got my “Always and Forever Lara Jean” by Jenny Han!!! I was so excited that I had to call the bookstore nearest to my house and took it! Ahhh!

I’ve started reading it but right now, I had to slow down cause there’s so many things going on in my life I don’t have enough time to dilly dally.

Also, I’ve still been receiving messages of encouragements and I can’t help it but my heart is really happy right now!

I’ll be back for blog hopping soon. I haven’t read your blogs for I think 3 weeks now! I have a lot of catching up to do! Aha

XOX, T.

Let’s Talk About Fun Things

I failed to mention the fun things I did recently and I don’t know, maybe I let the sadness wallow up and wrote the crazy situation I have been. It’s been almost a month since the thing happened and I’m really happy that I’ve been keeping up with life and I haven’t stopped trying. I have kept going and this is really amazing for me.

Here are the things that I did recently which I am grateful for. The bad things happened but the good times kept rolling too and I just failed to verbalize how happy I am to not have a miserable life at best.

  1. April 27 – Spent time with my family. It was also my sister in law’s birthday so my brother cooked a great lunch for us to share. Amazing, amazing, amazing! After our happy lunch, Kyx and I picked me and my sister up at home, went to the mall with his cousin and nephew—and we ate at our favourite ramen place, Ippudo! Again, we were treated fantastically and it’s always nice to have that experience. After early dinner, we went ahead and watched Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 with the kids and we had an amazing amazing time!
  2. April 28 – Kyx and I spent time doing grocery shopping and watching Attack on Titan. Though tiring, this day was still enjoyable at best.
  3. April 29 – went to the office and after office hours, our team went on to a Team Outing in a place called Samland, Laguna. We had so much fun bonding, drinking and talking about nice stuff. The next day we just had a great lunch and went home.
  4. April 30 – after our team outing, Kyx picked me up and we stopped by at KFC to grab dinner and then watched Attack on Titan the moment we got home. Afterwards, I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night throwing a tantrum that Kyx finds funny -_-.
  5. May 1 – Happy Labor Day! Kyx and I just had food delivered while we enjoy Attack on Titan season 2. I also did some Yoga after a 2-hour nap and eat fresh mixed fruits. I also watched Riverdale’s latest episode and I feel like I had a fun-filled day hah!

Also, I started bullet journaling. So far, I have wasted a lot of money on attempting DIY planning and all that. Now, I am trying to stick to this new journal and I hope and pray that I am able to stick to it until the end of the year! : )

Of Goodbyes and Broken Hearts

You’d feel a pang of ache in your chest, your stomach clenches and suddenly your heart is in your throat. You croak and can’t speak audibly. The room spins and your head starts to pound. Your chest feels so burdened and heavy, you want to cry but nothing comes out. It’s like you’re holding into a plastic bag filled with water but it’s not ready to explode. Not yet. That’s how I felt when I had to say goodbye to my best friends.

I wasn’t even ready to say goodbye to them and I wasn’t even able to tell them what my heart wants mainly because I am too baffled to begin or my mind is racing that I can’t find the words that I should say. I lost all the words I could ever hope of saying and I lost the will to try. I found myself thinking about the possibilities and if there are best ways to have done things differently despite what transpired almost a month ago.

I have learned so many things not just about other people and feelings but about myself and about how outsiders look and feel –if they can relate, what they had to say and what they think about the situation. I have learned so many things about life and friendship that I didn’t think what happened was all that bad. I guess it’s only a matter of perspective, how we see things and how we should feel towards the bad stuff and how we can turn it around and change for the better.

You see, we can’t do anything about the past. We can’t change it nor will it even make a difference if we change it. The only thing we can do now is try to change the future and live for the moment. For now, I am taking baby steps and overcome this difficult time. I just find it difficult right now but maybe once I get through this, I’d probably be more grateful than hurt.

I’ve come to remove the angry streak that’s running in my system right now. I am trying to understand the situation and furthermore, I am trying to just let it go. I will focus my strength and energy towards thing that should matter rather than the past. The past is in the past now and even if I turn back a hundred million times, even if I cry a river of tears, nothing will ever change what happened already. All I can do now is to learn something from it.

What The Frick Happened?! Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me!

Now, I am ready to share with you all what happened. This is as far as I can remember. I’ll try to be more specific and this is going to be the most honest post I have ever written, unleashing everything and stripping down myself for the entire world to see. This is what happened.

Remember when I was still an insecure hypocrite? Someone always jealous of everything, someone so insecure about life? Or that time when I was in a bad place wherein I don’t think about what I say and do? How about the time when I tell stuff about other people and then probably add a bit more to the story or make it something that would not make me look bad or make myself feel better despite how bad I look inside? Didn’t we all had that time? Oh yes, maybe I was the only one who said bad things about other people or about my friends. I give off snide comments and remarks, I mock people, every inch of them and then I realize my mistakes and as much as I wanted to take it back at that moment, I made up for it through different ways like being there for them when they needed me, or someone they can talk to and “trust”. Yes, how ironic that I wanted to be trusted when I don’t even deserve it in the first place. I maybe had that thing wherein I wanted to be liked very very much and sometimes, I put people on the line for my own benefit. But was I alone in this? Well about the time where I judge ever so easily at first without even knowing that person then figure out my judgment was wrong? How will I ever take back my own judgment when words slipped from my mouth already? Of course, I make it up again by being someone better. Yes.

I have thrown so many bad stuff towards other people. I have said words, sentences, comments about a lot of things that could have been so hurtful but what’s my excuse to that? Nothing. I was just really a BAD PERSON in the past. I couldn’t even think of things on how I could justify my actions because behind my great friend persona is a demon right? I wasn’t thinking that I have built that character and lived by it for a long time. I killed that person after I turned 26 though.

The day after my birthday, my friends pitted against me and pinned me down sending screenshots and recalling all the bad stuff I said about someone, all the badmouthing I did, all the shitty stuff I said, all the actions I made that was seemingly okay before and realizing how bad it was! They were throwing attacks toward me. AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. Yes. They even told me that it was their gift to me, unleashing my “true identity”. They brought up all the bad shit I did and say, everything. When I apologized and owned up to my mistakes, they still threw attacks and no one, NO ONE listened to what I have to say. Yes. You know what, I probably deserved that scene, wherein everybody threw their stones my ways because of all the things I have done, all the badmouthing I did before. Yes. I probably deserve that because who am I to expect something good from her friends when in the first place I was such a monster? So yes, I cried my heart out and ugly cried once more in front of my mom and Kyx. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t even eat and sleep. I kept thinking about what the fuck did I do? Why am I like that before? Why was I such a monster and a bad friend?

But then you know what, after regretting everything I did and said, I did own up to my mistakes and even said sorry. SINCERELY. Then I realized, all the accusations, was I the only one who ever did that? Maybe I did a lot of bad stuff compared to everyone else, but who are you to feel so hurt and bad when you also did that same thing? Maybe I have been the worst friend ever, but who are you to act like you did not partake on the mistakes I have made, who are you to judge when you also did the same thing I did?

I thought I was gonna cry a long time, there were a lot of mean words thrown out there for me, AFTER MY 26TH BIRTHDAY! I was even greeted by these people after being mean to me telling me it was their gift. You know what? I am so grateful. I am ever so grateful this ugly stuff happened because now, I really am going to be a better person. Someone who is not judgmental anymore. Who wouldn’t be badmouthing the friends I have left. I will be a genuine great friend this time and all thanks to what happened to me. Whew! I was so glad this happened to me. I thank the Lord that this happened to me so that I can finally grow up to be a better person instead of the shitty one that I once were.

That’s what happened, and you know what, it’s probably the best gift I have ever received aside from the love I was given by my family.

Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me in front of the whole circle of friends. Thank you for stripping me naked and succeeding on showing the true colors I have back then. Now, I am a better person. I trust myself on this one that I wouldn’t be a shitty friend anymore.

Thank you so much for treating me like garbage cause I probably deserved that but after this, I am a new person.

I wouldn’t die if I have lost friends who did that amazing thing to me—pinning me down. I will move on, I will never look back. Thank you and Goodbye!

Lo and Behold, The Angry INFJ

 

For the sake of everyone, I am not just talking about myself rather I am speaking of the whole INFJ universe out there. I don’t think it’s fair to generalize but seriously INFJs are not one of those you want to mess with.

If you haven’t done your research or if you are not familiar with Myers-Briggs theory, then let me sprinkle a few facts and anecdotes about INFJs.

  • INFJs in laymen’s term, the most introverted of all introverts.
  • We feel for everything. We have a lot of emotions and we’re empaths. We’re fuelled with feelings for people, things, situations, animals, environment, you name it!
  • We’re highly sensitive and we take almost everything (if not EVERYTHING) personally whether it is to be taken personally or not.
  • We find meaning on things and we simply dig deeper because we know that the surface is just a surface and it’s not enough.
  • We don’t get angry often but when we do, PREPARE FOR CHAOS. Prepare for a heart pounding, extremely scary scene.

So for the most part, it’s time to talk about why I am writing this. Simply because, I am fuming and infuriated and angry and hulking soooo bad that I could break someone’s neck. I am not one to be messed with. My friends know that.

You see me every day as a quiet individual. I don’t talk much and I love staying in the background. The limelight kills me and talking to people I am not comfortable with is another horror story. I’d gladly just sit back or get down to business like focus on work. Like, I love not being noticed. It’s like I hope and pray everyday that I don’t get to interact unnecessarily with people I am not comfy or chums with. In short, I pretty much enjoy being alone. But that doesn’t mean I do not have feelings and that I am to be the most hated girl in the universe.

It doesn’t mean I am shallow and scared because, NOPE. I AM NOT AND NEVER WILL I EVER GET FUCKING SCARED OF ANYONE EVEN WHEN MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

So what happens if I get THIS mad? (“This” mad as in THIS MAD LIKE I CAN EAT A FUCKING UNIVERSE AND LAUGH MANIACALLY. LIKE MAD MAD. LIKE CRAZY ANGRY KIND OF MAD) I get really hot, I can practically feel my pulse, my heart races and my head pounding. I can smash anything and anyone, I am fuming and I can mouth a really foul language and no one would approve of what my mouth would blurt because why? I speak the truth, only the truth and if I get ticked off, YOU ARE GOING THE FUCK DOWN.

That’s how mad I am. And that’s how I get when I am fucking angry.

How do I explain this? I mean, I don’t get angry too often but when I do, the world can crumble and I wouldn’t give the slightest fucks. Get it? (I am really typing cuss words without even being discreet right now? I guess I am really so angry!)

You see people, no one likes to be treated like shit. No one likes to be treated the way I was treated today and the other days. I have been treated badly for the past few days, not being attacked but spreading despicable rumors about me aka trashing the comfort room. I for one, having an OCD can’t even go in peace in the office lavatory. It takes a whole bunch of secretly cleaning before I use it so spreading the rumor of me—trashing it is way beyond me. People can say that I am over reacting and being dramatic about this whole idea but my personality is just—I would never back down no matter how big or small the case is if my principle and dignity is at stake. Whether I am being accused of a comfort room trasher or a rapist or a thief or a liar or a bad person and I know that it is a lie, I will not back down. I can go all day telling you how much of a fucking cunt you are for accusing me and no, I will not stop.

I don’t like being accused of anything I am not. Who wants that anyway? It just so happened that I have let it pass for a couple of times and again, it happens like. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I fumed my ass off and cried red hot tears at 9 in the morning. No I am not crying because I pity myself. I am crying because I am so damn hurt and angered! I am fuming!

If it wasn’t for my friends and if it wasn’t for utter respect, I could just be a shitface today. But no. I am writing this. And I shall be calmed down soon enough!

Xox, T.

March 2, 2017: I Woke Up Not Feeling It

Before we all get worked up, this isn’t about my love life. LOL. As usual, my relationship with Kyx is very healthy and though we may have some arguments from time to time, nothing really changes between us except that we love each other more.

Anyhoo, I woke up today not feeling it—not feeling like I want what I am doing. That I’m sculpted for this. Okay, so to give you a better understanding. I woke up early, did an ab interval exercise (which made my head ached for about 5 mins after the routine lol) then took a bath, got myself fixed up for work, prepared my lunch, ate breakfast and Kyx drove me to the office. While I was inside the elevator, I got to thinking that I’ve been riding the same elevator for a year now. It’s so monotonous. Then the moment I arrived at my work station, I got to see my desk filled with post its, magazines, a calendar and a lot more. I mean it is so monotonous that it’s rather lonely than boring if anything. Though I like being monotonous originally, I feel like I am getting so burned out already because I keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.

I work as a Copywriter in a company. I’m not under an agency which means I am an in-house Copywriter. I write articles about our healthcare products such as an array of supplements and stuff like that. I also write the content they put on our website. I write the PR that gets published in the newspaper and magazine. I write articles that get disseminated to different bloggers for them to post on their blogs. I don’t get any credit for it and somehow I’m okay with that. I love writing, I really do. But right now it’s getting old for me. Like all the articles I’ve been writing. I cringe every time I go to work and check my To-do list and then start writing again. My work is writing, my passion and hobby is writing. I’m supposed to really love love my work right? But what is this feeling? I’m not feeling it. I’m not feeling good about work and myself and what I do.

You see, I’m wondering, is this what I really want to do? Would I get old doing this and staying in one place for as long as I live? Will I even get any better than this? A lot to think about and a lot to feel towards this matter.

I guess the only good thing I can tell you about this dilemma is that: I may be almost 26 years old but I still have this dilemma trying to figure things out. I guess everyone is just as lost as I am at some point in time so if you feel lost and confused right now, I’ll give you a virtual pat in the back saying “hush hush my friend, I feel you” cause you know, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. 😉

Xox,T.