A Letter To My Depressed-Self 4 Months Ago

In your 26 years of existence, you didn’t see this coming. You didn’t see that the people you love dearly—whom you have called best friends for many many years, would turn their backs against you. There was this confrontation but you were the only bad guy. No one owned up to their mistakes, no one even saw the bad things they did, they think what they did weren’t comparable to whatever you did. For a time, you will think that you are the worst person in the world but fret not because sooner, you’ll realize everything.

For a long time you carried yourself after that crazy experience ever so heavily. You let yourself be dragged on to this drama and you cried as much as you had to—but surprisingly, tears weren’t shed that long, not much. Not much as you expected.

You didn’t know it yet but you will be stronger. You will find all your broken pieces, even the ones that went missing for a long time. You will patch yourself together without depending on other people. Yes, your family, remaining friends and Kyx were there for you but the only person who can patch you up and piece you back altogether is you and you alone.

Though you think it’s tough, you will eventually be fine. You will be able to move on and be okay. You will forget all the pain and hurt they have caused you. More than that, you will forgive them with all of your heart. You will be able to accept that you have been kicked out of the group you once help build. You will let go of the betrayal and you will stop asking why. Maybe you don’t know how soon but it will be okay, you will be okay.

When your dark clouds left, your days will be brighter and you’ll see the sunshine again even if it was raining. As you see the brightness of the day, you’d realize how much bigger the world is and how small you made it for yourself. Your horizon would be wider and you will realize everything. You will acknowledge the mistakes you did, the darkness you have spread but you will realize how worthy of love and kindness you are. You will stop blaming yourself for everything and you will stand again.

As you are walking towards recovery, you will look depression in the eye and you’ll say ‘fuck off’. You know that it’s still lingering but you’ll realize you’re too blessed to focus on it.

But in those days, the most important thing that happened is the growth. You will learn a lot through this and you will love and appreciate everyone who have stuck with you no matter what. Especially your mom.

Yes you may have done a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are forgivable ones. Yes you may have cried, but you’ll realize eventually that you’re crying for blessings.

You will be okay. Fine. Better—even. Just trust yourself. No matter what.

 

Drinking Problems

I didn’t even know that it was already a drinking problem of some sort until people started telling me that I looked dry, drunk and alcoholic. I can’t say I’m alcoholic *siguro patawid palang but fortunately, hindi naman* and thinking about it, I figured maybe I was just an extremely heavy drinker cause I grew up with 3 brothers who are really heavy drinkers (not in a bad way hehehe I’m trying to justify pa lol) but you see, we’re not alcoholics. We just love our booze.

Alcoholism is not to be taken lightly. It’s a serious substance abuse that could lead to health problems and I’m fully aware of that. I’m not downplaying or portraying anything that I am not.

So back in the day, during my college years, my glorious years, I drank so much. I don’t do it on a daily basis at first and of course, I’m not one to drink around groups. I love drinking with just my friends. College stuff, workload and a lot of other requirements led me to feel so stressed out and I resorted to drinking every weekend. It has been a weekend hobby for me. I’d invite friends over my house and we’d drink at our garage. Chill drink lang, walang walwalan. But if my friends are not available, I’d just drink by myself. Ganong levels. I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing though.

I was still responsible. I study, I am good in class, I’m an okay person in general. But I drink weekly.

Until such time that I really feel like I needed to drink, any time of day. It’s as if I was always looking for an excuse to drink. It was as if my body is looking for alcohol and I needed to give in to it because if not, I won’t be able to sleep well.

I have my flask with me—EVERYWHERE I GO. With a small amount of booze, I’m at peace that I could carry on with the day and get by.

I am not a party girl but I look up booze mixes on pinterest just for the heck of it. I loved every mix I ever did with jell-o and gummie bears. I was crazy.

But one fine day, I just stopped altogether. I didn’t want booze, I didn’t crave for it the way I used to. I just didn’t feel like drinking that much anymore.

Now, I still drink (not as much) and I still have my flask 🙂

So I think that this isn’t alcoholism. It was just a phase I guess?

Did you have a phase like this?

** 

If you have drinking problems, if you feel like you’re getting addicted to it, maybe it’s time to consult a doctor or a therapist. Especially if it is a result of a problem, depression or if it has anything to do with your emotional and mental health.

My problem was that it was purely out of sheer joy but it was not because I was depressed or what (I have depression but I didn’t drink because of it)

Imagine talking to your mom about contraceptives????

 

So about 3 months ago, I had this really bad case of acne. I have never had acne during my teen years so imagine my horror to have pimple problems?! It was all new to me and so I kinda panicked and cried. LOL.

I really did cry, I was counting my pimples and was really so frustrated that I am having a bad skin condition. My parents didn’t have this problem and my brothers didn’t so why am I having this problem! So I decided to seek help from my dermatologist. The derma of course gave me topical stuff and facial soap and told me to visit my OB GYNE. So I did. My OB-GYNE gave me a prescription of hormonal pills. Apparently, these are contraceptive pills so it was kind of awkward for me ??? I never used The Pill and it was my first time to be advised that I needed that.

Background: In the Philippines, we don’t have sex ed. Condoms, pills and all forms of contraception is a taboo. We were even told by the Catholic church that these things should be illegal and there’s this bill in the country that they want to pass like the banning of contraception. So everything about sexual health is a taboo. And maybe, this is why our population is soooo big because people do not know how to do family planning and whatnot. Again, no one teaches us how and how not to do things with regards to our sexual health.

Okay, going back. I was told to buy Diane-35. Can you imagine how ignorant I am? Here I am a full grown woman, 26 years of existence on earth yet I have never ever used The Pill????? So I bought a pack and repeated in my head over and over and over and over again the instructions of my doctor. When I got home, I told my mom about it and she was telling me that finally, my acne problems will be gone soon and then…..I was not ready for this but.. she said “also, this pill is good for contraception. In this way, you’re safe! You won’t get pregnant accidentally!” I cringed so hard I wanted to die right in front of her.

But that’s not even the end of the story!

Fast forward to the 3rd month of my pill taking.

I didn’t know anything about how it is used for contraception. I mean, believe it or not, though Kyx and I live together, we don’t do it like all the time (TMI eeeep!!!) but just to get it out there, I am really very naïve and ignorant when it comes to these things. One time, I just told my mom about it and told her that I don’t know how this works and all. I told her in full details. Just fill yourselves in with what I told my mom (hint: it’s about unprotected sex) so it was really super cringe worthy!!!!!! My gosh.

But then I realized, if there’s one person aside from my OB-GYNE who I should trust about these things, it should be my mom. It doesn’t change the fact that it was super cringe worthy but nonetheless, it made me realize that my mom is really the person I should trust wholeheartedly—no matter what my issue is, she wouldn’t judge and she’d help me.

Go Ahead, Roll Your Eyes On Me

 

Instead of appreciating that I have come forward to apologize, some people find it easier to roll their eyes on me and call me pathetic. I’m not gonna lie, if it was a normal day, I’d probably start ugly crying again. They even use my tears as a sign of weakness and “acting”. To be honest, I am just really soft, sensitive and empathic. Empathic people feel so much if you don’t know by now.

In my apology, in seeking for (unworthy) people’s forgiveness, I get insulted and called names. A good actor, pathetic, lying bitch and the list goes on. I find it really hurtful though it’s really pretty funny for me, it’s sad at the same time. How are you calling yourselves adults and this is what you give?

An apology that gets ignored is pretty okay and understandable. But insults? When are these people going to ever start growing up? I don’t mean to spite but here I am trying to be a better person and then I get these crap? Oh my gosh.

For now, I’ll let you go ahead and roll your eyes on me. Call me names and insult me, but I think it’s better to be better than that. I think lowering to that level will not do me any good.

So if you encounter circumstances like this, don’t take it against yourself. Understand that life works that way. Sooner or later, these people will realize the wrong things they have done. If not, the universe will make them. The universe might even put them in that situation and maybe, they won’t even remember what they did to you but at least the lesson will be there for them to be actually better people. Let them insult you, let them call you names. Those names they call you? It speaks more of them as it does for you as a person. So don’t let it get to your head. Always do what’s right. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind at peace. At the end of the day, your soul will be happier than ever and you are winning in life.

Today is Kyxarie’s Birthday!

For all of you who have been reading my Kyxarie appreciation posts (not that I do it a lot but hehehe) you must know by now that Kyx was a long-time friend before we finally hit it off right?

I’d like to share with you why I love his birthday as much as I love my own birthday lol. Here’s the message a wrote for him.

Ever wonder why I always bother celebrating your birthday and pulling off a lot of crazy surprises? Why I let myself go the extra mile? Well aside from celebrating your life on earth (which is so important for me, to be honest) I have a different thought of gratitude towards birthdays, our birthdays and yours in general.

Because you know, for 7 long years (prolly the longest years of my life lels joke) your birthday is my sure fire way of an excuse to again, open my lines of communication (because a. I was playing really hard to get and didn’t want to give myself away ever so obviously and b. I didn’t want to give myself away as obviously as I was actually doing lels) It was the best excuse to finally hit you up and greet you “Happy Birthday” then I sort of expect a “how are you” after the birthday greetings and whatnot until such time that I have to wait for my birthday so you can talk to me (you actually use my birthday as an excuse too, right?)

 

Now, that it’s your birthday, I find it funny that it’s not an excuse anymore to talk to you. Finally I get to make up for the lost time (those that we actually wasted for playing hard to get all these years) and we get to celebrate it happily!

Happy 26th Birthday Ddear! Gone are the days that:

 

Me: Happy Birthday, Kyxa!

Kyx: Thank you! San na surprise mo sakin? :3 ❤

Me: hehehehehehehe abangan mo nalang…

Kyx: Musta ka na?

 

And the conversation dies after a good 15 minutes. LELS.

But I guess on your birthday, the gods of Fate were so fed up that 2 days after he let us bumped into each other and the rest is history!

I hope I continue to make you happy for the rest of our lives. Happy happy birthday and I love you so much!

 

As I said before, I didn’t like my own birthday until my mom made me realize that birthdays are blessings because you know, you get to celebrate another gift of life right? (No offense to those who do not celebrate their birthdays)

Of Cutting Myself and Self-Harm

Well over the course of time, I’ve had my fair share of suicidal tendencies. Thoughts and debates with myself occurred for me since I was about 15 I guess. But I didn’t really intend to kill myself. Like I didn’t do anything crazy with the intention to kill myself. I know it’s just wrong and I am being sort of irrational.

Friday, 30th of June. Morning. I was cutting a whole lemon, preparing for my lemon water. Half of it is squeezed in a bowl while half would be cut into lemon slices to be mixed with the lemon juice and water. Long story short, I accidentally cut my finger deeper than ever and I was shocked with the sudden sight of a deep cut and blood pouring right from a medium sized wound. I stared at it for a long time before I realized that I have to put pressure on it and have running water over it.

I didn’t feel any pain at all. Not even a slight sting! I was just staring at it until my mind started saying tons of stuff like:

Wow. The gush of blood shocked me but it kinda looked pleasant isn’t it? Oh, blood + cut = Pain. But where’s the pain? Oh yeah, I was so used to cutting myself back then that the sight of it didn’t throw me off! WOW.

Before I started to be actually disgusted with myself, you know what I was doing? I was still trying to cut the lemons while my finger is fucken bleeding like I was stabbed! It was so disgusting that I was swept back to reality.

Last night, I was afraid that I’d relapse back to cutting myself. The sight of it enticed me. It was like a good diversion of a negative energy to something more physical. I wasn’t able to sleep well but the next morning, I realized that, no, I wouldn’t go back to that hell hole where I got addicted with cutting myself. No I wouldn’t go back to my pathetic self, resorting to wounds and blood when things went awful. No I will not let that happen again.

And I will cover my scars with art. I will remember the pain but I will replace them with renewal of some sort.

Kyx Lately

 

Kyx and I have been together for over 2 years now (going on our 3rd year this August) and man, all the changes, adjustments and stuff we had to deal with were cray but I feel so grateful that I have him in my life.

So for my new blog friends and readers who haven’t read a whole bunch of writings from the past, let me introduce to you, Kyx.

Kyx is my boyfriend. You pronounce it as “kicks”. No that is not some made up name he made to be cool. That’s really his nickname. His real name is Kyxarie and you don’t pronounce it as “kicksari” you say it as “kee-sa-ri” okay now that’s said and done, let’s move on. Hahaha. I just feel like I had to tell you guys how to pronounce it so you could read it without confusion lol.

Okay so going back, Kyx is this wonderfully artistic, creative, long-haired illustrator slash love of my life. He is my best friend and my confidante. He’s patient and wise and I just can’t reiterate enough how much of a blessing he is in my life.

You see, for the past 3 months, I dealt with a roller coaster ride filled with torturous obstacles!! I had to deal with friendship drama, anxiety, depression and OCD. Imagine dealing with someone so disastrous as me?

So for a quick background, let me just say that whatever I am going through, it’s not like something we see on TV shows and on movies. It’s totally different. I am very high functioning but after all that I have to do on a given day, I would lie on my back, stare blankly at the walls and sometimes I cry without even knowing why I am crying in the first place. On some days, I’d spend so much time in the bathroom using about 1 body wash, 1 milky soap and 1 organic butter soap for cleaning my skin and moisturizing it taking all the time I need only to find myself taking about more than an hour of my life to just bathe and reflect on different things. Sometimes I find it normal, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’d be so talkative, other times Kyx wouldn’t hear a word coming from my mouth. And Kyx had to deal with all of this without getting mad at me. Without treating what I’m doing as “bullshit” and perfectly trying to understand what I am going through without judging me.

The other day, I was being extra annoying, brutal and monstrous. I’ve been on the pill because of my acne problems (and my mom is actually pursuing it low-key because she wants me on birth control) and these hormonal pills are just plain making me a walking disaster! My moodswings skyrocketed to 80% and I was downright nasty to deal with. I was throwing a tantrum here and there but Kyx is just being his kind and comforting self. *sobs* Then while I was being particularly angry for a mindless reason, I pinched Kyx so hard until it sorta bled. My oh my the horror when I saw his skin turned really pink and then a bit of blood oozing from a small scratch I made! Right then and there, I realized how mean I was being and immediately pulled myself together. Kyx—being ever so patient, just hugged me and told me it’s okay and that I’ll be okay.

I still feel sorry for being such a crazy adult. These meltdowns have to stop, I know. I just am really grateful that no matter how absurd I was, Kyx is still there for me.