Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E03: Binuhay Ang Kilig

Bago mag graduation, ibinalik sa akin ng kaibigan ko yung book bind, tapos na daw silang lahat magsulat. Kinakabahan ako kasi alam kong nakapagsulat na si Kyx.

TLE Project

Pumunta kami ni Diane sa classroom namin, sa isang sulok, binuksan naming yung book bind at hinanap ang parte kung saan nagsulat si Kyx. Ang iksi lang, pero ang laki ng kahulugan sakin.

❤ ❤ ❤

Bumalik yung kilig ko tapos tumili nalang kami ni Diane.

Simula non, nagusap na ulit kami. Pero alam ko, huli na rin naman ang lahat. Magcocollege na kami, mag-iiba na ang landas naming dalawa. Sa Miriam ako, all girls nanaman at siya naman ay sa FEU.

Masayang malungkot. Pero sa isip isip ko, baka mas magkaroon ng chance na maging kami kapag college na kami!?

Gumraduate na nga kami, tapos hindi na kami nagkita buong bakasyon.

April 2008, inimbita ko siya sa birthday party ko sa Mcdonald’s. Children’s party yun pero puro high schoolers kami, 17th birthday party ko yun pero hindi siya pumunta.

Naisip ko nanaman hindi siguro ako importante kaya ganon. Nalungkot nanaman ako. Back to square 1 nanaman ulit. Wala nang katapusang paikot ikot, walang katapusang pakiramdaman.

Sa puntong ito, pakiramdam ko ako lang naman talaga ang may nararamdaman.

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Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E02: Puro Sakit Na Lang Ba?

Malungkot ang mga araw ko non. Hindi ko na kasi nakakatext si Kyx, hindi ko na rin siya nakakausap. Hindi ko rin siya tinitignan. Pinapakita ko sakanya na wala na akong pakielam sakanya matapos niya akong sigawan? Aba?? Sino ba sya! Pero ang sakit. Kasi habang dumadaan ang mga araw, naghihintay ako na magsosorry siya, na magtetext siya sakin o kaya tatawagan niya ako sa landline para magsorry. Dumaan ang Pasko at Bagong Taon pero hindi pa rin kami naguusap.

Araw araw ang sakit kasi tinitingnan ko yung Friendster profile niya, tinitignan ko kung may message siya or testi para sakin pero wala.

Hanggang sa February na, wala pa rin tapos naguumpisa na akong mag move on. Hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan. Yan yung sinasabi ko sa sarili ko araw araw. Dahan dahan na rin ako nawalan ng pakielam sakanya. Parang napatawad ko na siya sa pagsigaw niya sa akin at parang natanggap ko na na kagaya ng ibang crush crush na yan, short lived lang ang samin at walang ibang mararating.

Same month, February 2008, namatay ang lolo ko. Kahit alam niyang close ako sa lolo ko, kahit nakita niya akong umiiyak sa school pagkatapos ng Prom practice namin nung tinawag ako ng guidance counselor, pinapauwi na dahil nga namatay na pala ang lolo ko, hindi niya ako nilapitan. Hindi rin niya ako tinext, wala siyang sinabi. Magtatampo na sana ako pero naalala ko na “hindi ko na siya crush, hindi ko na rin siya kaibigan”. Nung prom, hindi niya rin ako sinayaw. Buong gabi akong naghintay na isayaw niya ako pero hindi. Wala siyang isinayaw non. Nakaupo lang sya. Hindi niya ako tinitignan, di ko rin siya tinitignan kapag alam kong makikita niya ako.

Buong gabi pinapakita ko sakanya na ang saya saya ko, na okay lang ako kahit may pinagdadaanan ako, na nageenjoy ako kasama yung mga kaibigan ko. Ang ending, ako lang din pala yung mukang tanga. Nagpapanggap akong masaya kahit wala naman pala siyang pakielam na. Diba?

Huling linggo ng February, binalik ng teacher naming ang TLE Project namin na “Book Bind”. Doon sa book bind na iyon, papasulatan namin ng mensahe ang mga kaibigan namin. Pinasulatan ko yung book bind ko na yun sa lahat kasama si Kyx pero hindi niya ako pinasulat sa kanya. 😦

Sakit. Puro sakit nalang. Kawawa naman yung 16 year old landi-self ko huhu =)))

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E01

Dumaan ka na bas a matinding confusion? Denial? At kung ano ano pang “on the side”? Ako rin.

High school friend ko si Kyx. Pero siya yung isa sa mga kaunting lalaki doon sa school namin na yun na walang pakielam sa mga babae. Ang nasa utak lang niya ay ang pag-cocomputer—DOTA at pagbabanda banda kasama ang kaniyang mga friends. Hindi siya mahilig makipagusap o makipagkaibigan sa mga babae at iba pang mga tao sa school. Kumbaga may sarili silang mundo ng mga kaibigan niya. Cool kids sila na walang pake. Cool kids na tahimik. Hindi sila binubully ng mga pabibong bully kids sa school—tipong may respeto sakanila? Ganong levels.

Ako naman, kasama ako dun sa mga nerdy o “geeks” kung tawagin. Ayoko na ikwento kasi hindi ko naman na kaibigan yung mga kaibigan ko noon. Pero basta ganon.

Magkaibang magkaiba kami kaya hindi ko rin ineexpect na magiging mabuting kaibigan ko siya. Naging magkaibigan lang kami dahil sa 2 tao na pinagtagpo kami. Hanggang sa lagi na kaming magkatext at nagtetelebabad sa landline.

Pero parehas kaming nagpapakiramdaman. Parehas kaming hindi sigurado sa nararamdaman.

Crush ko na siya nung December 2007 pero ayokong sabihin sakanya kasi kilala ko siya. Wala siyang interes sa mga crush crush. Wala siyang pake. Wala sa utak niya yon.

Dahil sa encouragement ng mga friends ko (noon lang ko sila friends ah hahahahah) niyaya ko si Kyx na sumama samin sa Mega Mall pagkatapos ng Christmas Party. Nung gabi bago ang Christmas Party namin, tinawagan ko siya sa bahay nila.

Ako: Kyxa! Hello!!

Kyx: Bakit? (masungit ang tono)

A: Sama ka samin, magpupunta kami sa Mega Mall pagkatapos ng Christmas Party eh.

K: Ayoko. May iba akong kasama eh. (masungit pa rin)

A: Sino? Sina Jem? Sina Ambal? Sumama nalang kaya kayo samin? Para happy!

K: Ayoko nga eh. Ang kulit mo ah!! (sinigawan na niya ako)

A: Ah okay sige bye na.

Binaba ko yung telepono at hindi ko na hinintay kung ano yung sasabihin niya. Yun yung huling beses na kinausap ko siya sa taong 2007.

Hindi ko na rin siya tiningnan, hindi ko na siya kinausap. Nagalit ako kasi sinigawan niya ako pero siguro kaya ako nagalit kasi nasaktan ako. Naramdaman ko na matapos ang lahat ng kilig ko sakanya, matapos ang pagpapalit namin ng ID (oo may ganong factor. palandi effect yata yun nung panahon ko huhu), matapos ang lahat ng pagpupuyat namin sa pagtetelebabad, wala pala siyang nararamdaman sakin. Wala lang pala at kaibigan lang pala kasi talaga.

Abangan

Doodle ng lihim kong harot 😂

Yan ay isa sa mga pahina ng TLE project namin nung 4th year highschool tapos may doodleako sa likod ng kaharutan kong tinatago huhu 😂

Gusto ko nang ikwento pero nasa laptop ko pala yung draft 😂

May mga sulat na hindi ko naman gustong ibigay HAHA

Sinulat ko yan year 2012 😂

Bukas ko na ikukwento ng buo. Marami akong sulat kay Kyx na hindi ko binalak ibigay hahaha nung naging kami na, nabasa nya ng hindi sinasadya yan dahil naghahalungkat sya sa mga stationery ko upang ako ay masulatan niya ng love letter 😭😂

Usapang Relasyon

Let’s talk about relationships. I’d like this post to be light and funny, not a battle of sexes and whatnot.

I am Kyx’s first girlfriend and when I go bat-shit crazy over the smallest things, he’s left clueless and probably debating whether his girlfriend is normal or she’s really a psycho bitch.

On most days wherein Kyx and I talk about how we were and how we are now, we laugh while looking back at the petty fights and huge serious ones and analyse where it all came from and what went wrong on those days. When I do something quirky, when I get mad at something small or even when I just playfully touch his butt, he goes thinking whether we—as a couple are normal or we’ve ended up both happy and crazy?

I think, it’s normal. We girls, we talk about the shit we do. We talk about the different levels of craziness we have had or the unbelievably small things that gets blown out of proportion just cause our man is doing the opposite of what we want or not doing anything at all while men, I think they don’t talk about it. At least for Kyx and his friends. They never talk about “ang crazy ng girlfriend ko last night, nagalit sakin dahil lang hindi ko na-twirl ng maayos ang spaghetti nya” or *insert something more petty than that*. No. They don’t talk about it (or do they?)

Last night, I had a homey and cozy dinner with 2 of my childhood friends. R is our “Ate” and I knew her since I was in 1st grade while F and I have been friends since we were pre-schoolers! A lot of fun and talk over dinner—we went across the topic of how crazy we have been and the times where we argue with our partners over the smallest things. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t really start fights just for the heck of it (or yes, in some days hahahah) there’s always that irritating thing our partners did and we just had to make a point. From staying silent the whole ride home to screaming at their faces or in most days, I for a fact, cry out of anger and frustration.

But yeah, I think Kyx or some guys think their girls are not normal and are pure evil creatures in most days is because they never talk about it with their friends. Gets ba? Parang they don’t open up to their friends about the petty fights they have had with their girls cause well, they’re not the type to talk about it. Hahaha. So maybe, that’s why Kyx thinks I am not normal when I get mad over small things. HAHAHA.

In fact, over the 3 years we’ve been together, I don’t get too worked up in small things. I got over that. I just have bad days though LOL!

Tired – Kygo Remix (Alan Walker, Gavin James)

I am never a fan of trendy stuff, especially songs. I am a fan of old songs and my playlist would consist of 80s and 90s love songs, boy band songs, anything from those era. Of course I have my emo phase, my punk rock phase, my death metal phase, my Paramore phase and a whole lot of other songs but like the trendy ones right now, I only ever get to listen to what’s new when Kyx and I are stuck in traffic listening to the radio.

My officemate N, likes to share songs and asks me to listen to her new discoveries from time to time. Tired – Kygo Remix is one of them. I listened to it and since then, I have not stopped. I even added it to one of my playlists! I mean, okay, it’s one of those “tugs tugs tugs” feels from a song but when you actually listen to the lyrics, you’d be transported to a different world.

I am one of those people who dissect lyrics, decipher their meaning, research their history. I always tend to look for meaning or stuff hidden in a song and I know it makes life a bit more complex but I like it that way.

This song kind of talked to me in a manner wherein I saw Kyx reflected beneath the lyrics. I’ve seen Kyx help and support me all the time, I’ve seen everything, he saw everything. The good, the bad, the ugly the beautiful. Mostly, the ugly. And when I listened to this song, Kyx is that one person I am reminded of.

I see those tears in your eyes

And I feel so helpless inside

Oh love, there’s no need to hide

Just let me love you when your heart is tired

If your ghost pulls you apart

And it feels like you’ve lost who you are

My love, there’s no need to hide

Just let me love you when your heart is tired

In times when I get odd anxiety attacks, in moments wherein I don’t see anything rational anymore, in times I cried and had a breakdown, that’s what he did. Loved me. Loved me in those times when my heart was tired.

~wala lang. malandi lang. harot ganon. =))

Is There Something by Christopher Cross

When you guys, as a couple fight about small or petty things, how do you patch things up?

For us, if it’s only me—making a big deal out of him breathing too loudly or smiling in the wrong manner or just being pissed cause I can *rolling eyes*, Kyx pulls out his funny streak and I’d end up laughing. He has this unique antics prepared for when I turn into a monster or something. One of it is playing a “patama” song while I’m brooding over things that are not even brood-worthy.

Ganito yan…

One of his favourite songs to play when I’m acting up is a song by Christopher Cross called Is There Something.

When I’m mad, pissed, upset or irritated with him he’d blast this off and I would be all like “what the actual fuck?” then he’ll smile and laugh at me. I’d go laughing and I’d forget why I’m even mad in the first place.

Sobrang gago diba? Pinapatugtog niya yan kapag napipikon na ako sakanya eh di natatawa tuloy ako. WTF hahahaha. Here’s how the chorus goes:

“Is there something that you want to tell me

Is there something that I ought to know

Are we something that’s still worth fighting for

Or should I simply let you go

Is there something I can do to reach you

Are we something more than history

I’ll find some way to convince you to stay

If you just tell me honestly

Is there something left of you and me

Nagegets niyo ba ginagawa niya? Nakakatawa kasi eh. Nagdadrama. Bigla nalang niya ‘yang papatugtugin kapag nag-aattitude ako so siyempre natatawa nalang ako, nagbabati tuloy kami ng wala sa oras hehehehe. However, he only does this kapag alam niyang kaya niya. Minsan kasi, super monster ako tawag niya doon ay “auto-demon” kaya kapag auto-demon ako, hindi niya yan magagawa. Hahaha.

Listen to the song. It’s an old one hehehe. ❤