Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

“Magkaibigan lang kami” Is So Tiring

*this post is mostly written in Tagalog*

I did mention before that Kyx and I started as really good friends.

Everything was so slow for us and when the time came, it all happened at once that I didn’t have time to savor the moments of being in a mutual understanding kind of phase.

We were literally just friends. Like we didn’t have that landian phase? I mean we did but we kind of established it when we started dating. It was all just too quick.

So ganito diba, we don’t talk everyday when we were just friends. Walang harut harutan na nangyari. Then when we accidentally bumped into each other after not seeing him for years doon na nagstart na magusap kami everyday. We texted and talked over Facebook chat araw araw and that same week, we went out. Nanood kami Guardians of the Galaxy and we were just friends pero ano ba, crush ko na kasi talaga sya nung time na yun. But we were just friends eh diba?

After weeks of going out on dates, we sort of established na MU kami, walang ganap na “saan ba ako lulugar?” walang “mafefriendzone kaya ako?” walang ganon. Kasi parang napagkasunduan na namin agad—though we didn’t talk about it, parang naintindihan lang namin parehas na we’re both on the same page. Siguro we were too old for pabebe scenarios. 23 na kami nung time na yun and Kyx never had a girlfriend before. (ako talaga kasi first niya diba bwahaha pilitin ko sya ako na last char) so looking back, I feel like wala siyang time magpacute or pabebe pa kung we like each other or not diba.

Ang dami kong sinasabi, eto na yung part na bakit ko ba sinusulat to.

Yesterday, I told Kyx that I miss being just friends with him so I asked him if we can pretend that we’re just friends. Sinakyan naman niya trip ko. So naguusap kami na kunyari friends lang kami ganyan, baliw lang diba haha. SIguro from 9am to 5pm ganyan kami. But then, I got tired!! Parang the situation is sucking all the energy I have? Parang literal na kapagod eh.

Kaya naisip ko, it is so physically, mentally and emotionally draining to not know where you stand in someone’s life. It’s so hard to impit and hide your emotions, pretending you just want to be friends with someone when in fact, legit na gusto mo talaga siya yung makasama mo forever. I’m thankful that I’m not in that kind of situation pero I feel for those who are in the friendzone. I mean yung hindi pa nafefriendzone pero yung confused na kung saan ba sila lulugar. It’s so hard to be in that position.

Aside from praying for your heart’s desire, gawan mo na ng paraan yan. I mean humanap ka na ng timing na mawala ka sa posisyon na yan. Life is short, hindi habang buhay makakapagpabebe ka. Tsaka ang hirap ng ganyan, nakakapagod literal.

Surprise!!

Hindi talaga pupwedeng smooth lahat eh ‘no? Kailangan yung agit ako and nagkaka-anxiety eh.

Okay, so eto na nga. Maraming naka-line up na activities noong Sabadong iyon, August 5, 2017. Pero siyempre, may work ako (every Saturday, 9am to 4pm work sched ko) hassle diba.

So eto talaga yung plano. August 1 birthday ni Kyx, sinurprise ko lang sya ng pabebe post sa FB; album ito na naglalaman ng pictures namin kasama ang mga mahal namin sa buhay na kapamilya at mga kaibigan. Tapos binigyan ko siya ng cake at 12 midnight tapos naiyak iyak siya. Naiyak din ako kasi nakakaiyak yung pag-iyak niya. HAHA. Tapos wala na akong maisip pang ibigay o kaya naman puntahan o pumlano pa ng party para sakanya given that our schedules are both so tight. Busy kami parehas. Ako sa work sa office, si Kyx sa pagiging digital illustrator niya (homebased si koya pero busy talaga siya) kaya nahirapan akong isipin kung ano ang pwedeng gawin para ma-celebrate manlang ang birthday niya. So niyaya ko yung mga kaibigan namin na talagang ka-close namin na kumain ng Ramen sa Ippudo (Mega Fashion Hall Branch; guys, kami ni Kyx doon lang kami kumakain siguro. Hanggang sa naging kaibigan na namin yung mga cre doon at manager) Sinikreto ko kay Kyx na niyaya ko yung 6 namin na kaibigan para kahit papaano may surprise factor diba. 1 week before, naayos ko na mga ganap. Pwede yung 6 friends namin, itinawag ko na sa Ippudo at okay na okay na ang mga ganap. Sinabi ko sa friends namin na kailangan before 5pm andon na sila. So okay naman diba.

Bandang 3pm hindi ako mapakali. Feeling ko bakit sobrang smooth naman? Parang walang roadblock? Feeling ko may mali. HAHA. So ginawa ko tumawag ako ulit sa Ippudo, BOOOOOM! Wala yung manager na kausap ko, nagkaroon ng emergency leave. Yung papalit sakanya na kilala ko 6pm pa dadating. Yung crew na nagaasikaso ng hanash ko dapat, nalipat sa morning sched noong araw na yun. ANO NA???? Gusto ko talagang tumambling. Pero kalma lang bes, maitatawid yan. Kaya shut up muna ako, napakiusapan naman mga tao doon tapos nakausap ko naman yung isang crew na kilala ko at itinawag din niya don. Okay na. Sige fight.

4pm, out ko na, kabado ako mga bes kasi hindi ko alam ano mangyayari. Kausap ko lahat ng kasama namin sa Ippudo tapos naghihintay sila ng table. Hindi kami pwedeng pumunta doon sa restaurant hangga’t wala sila lahat doon (yung 6 friends namin) kaya buti nalang medyo natagalan kami magpark. Yung isang friend namin na taga Laguna, wala pa siya so nung nakapark na kami, sabi ni Kyx magwiwithdraw muna sya. Nakahinga hinga ako ng konti. Almost complete na sila, papunta na sa Ippudo yung isang friend namin pero baka magkasabay kami kaya sinabi ko kay Kyx daan kaming National Bookstore kasi kailangan ko ng bagong watercolor pad. Pagdating namin doon, browse browse ako sa mga watercolor papers tapos nagtext na yung isang friend ko na kumpleto na daw sila. So ayun na nga, sabi ko tara kain na tayo. Go naman si koya niyo.

Pagdating namin don, sumigaw ng lame “surprise!” yung mga friends namin tapos ayun, gulantang to the max si Kyx.

Naging successful naman ang mini surprise ko at natuwa naman si Kyx at mga friends niya sa mumunting birthday celebration namin doon. 😉

Naitawid diba? Yung pictures, ilalagay ko nalang mamaya. Ieedit ko pa kasi ang dilim eh hahaha.

Today is Kyxarie’s Birthday!

For all of you who have been reading my Kyxarie appreciation posts (not that I do it a lot but hehehe) you must know by now that Kyx was a long-time friend before we finally hit it off right?

I’d like to share with you why I love his birthday as much as I love my own birthday lol. Here’s the message a wrote for him.

Ever wonder why I always bother celebrating your birthday and pulling off a lot of crazy surprises? Why I let myself go the extra mile? Well aside from celebrating your life on earth (which is so important for me, to be honest) I have a different thought of gratitude towards birthdays, our birthdays and yours in general.

Because you know, for 7 long years (prolly the longest years of my life lels joke) your birthday is my sure fire way of an excuse to again, open my lines of communication (because a. I was playing really hard to get and didn’t want to give myself away ever so obviously and b. I didn’t want to give myself away as obviously as I was actually doing lels) It was the best excuse to finally hit you up and greet you “Happy Birthday” then I sort of expect a “how are you” after the birthday greetings and whatnot until such time that I have to wait for my birthday so you can talk to me (you actually use my birthday as an excuse too, right?)

 

Now, that it’s your birthday, I find it funny that it’s not an excuse anymore to talk to you. Finally I get to make up for the lost time (those that we actually wasted for playing hard to get all these years) and we get to celebrate it happily!

Happy 26th Birthday Ddear! Gone are the days that:

 

Me: Happy Birthday, Kyxa!

Kyx: Thank you! San na surprise mo sakin? :3 ❤

Me: hehehehehehehe abangan mo nalang…

Kyx: Musta ka na?

 

And the conversation dies after a good 15 minutes. LELS.

But I guess on your birthday, the gods of Fate were so fed up that 2 days after he let us bumped into each other and the rest is history!

I hope I continue to make you happy for the rest of our lives. Happy happy birthday and I love you so much!

 

As I said before, I didn’t like my own birthday until my mom made me realize that birthdays are blessings because you know, you get to celebrate another gift of life right? (No offense to those who do not celebrate their birthdays)

Do I Look That Pathetic?

I was attempting to not write this and exposing the truths about my personal life but it’s not working. I have been trying to write this for the last 15 minutes and with no avail, I can’t filter everything.

(I am still attempting but whatever) About a week ago, I was making amends with a girl who cut me loose in her life. I mean we weren’t that close (for her at least) but I felt bad about all the drama and I feel like:

  1. Life is too short for unnecessary dramas. Come on, there’s more to life than this I’m sure.
  2. We’re all too busy about work, life and everything in between. Why do we waste time brooding over bad blood?
  3. It’s easier to love than to hate. I like myself better when I’m loving than when I’m hateful.
  4. Naturally, I don’t like having a beef with someone. I mean why can’t we all just live a happy and peaceful life?
  5. We might die sooner than we’d like to be so when we’re alive, I think it’s best to just free ourselves from pain and hurt?

So what I did was, I tried to reach out to her. I called her but we didn’t really talk about it because her battery is about to die I think? Then I just sent her a lengthy message apologizing for what happened, for the pain I have caused. I mean I didn’t bother telling her that hey, what you think, it wasn’t true! It wasn’t me! I didn’t do it. But I just really wanted to just get over bad things and I know that even if it wasn’t me, the misunderstanding caused her pain and I’d like to apologize for it.

People think reaching out, apologizing for the things you didn’t even do in the first place and being the one to make the first move is pathetic and delusional. For me, it’s not. I may look THAT pathetic and delusional to you but that for me is a sign of strength and maturity. Above all, that’s a sign of love prevailing in a spiteful world of cruelty and hate.

Why Do I Bother For Those Who Don’t Bother With Me?

In the past, I always think about other people and their happiness. Like I will surprise them with my little gestures, a surprise pastry, cupcake, book, clothing, bag, card, letter, tea, coffee, food name it! I think of them on their birthdays, brewing ideas on how I can pull off a mini surprise because I always love it when people do not expect it and they get a boost of happiness because someone like me went an extra mile just for the little happiness of a single person. I think I don’t really want anything in return from that exact same person, but I feel like hey universe, you can probably help other people surprise me right? Okay so going back, I felt shitty that I don’t get to have someone who goes an extra mile just for me—or that’s what I thought.

Last night, I was full on ugly crying mode (again)

It hurt that I had to do this to myself much more as it hurts that I had to affect Kyx this much. As usual, he was his comforting supportive self (Thank God for people like him)

I just realized that I keep giving, keep bothering with other people, keep thinking about their happiness and misery, keep wondering if they feel okay, better or shit. I’m always thoughtful and sweet to other people but I don’t get that, not a lot, from others and that was painful to think about.

To be honest, I hated myself for feeling so sorry. I mean I shouldn’t have felt that way, I shouldn’t have wanted to receive the same kindness or gesture from others as I give them. My mistake. Again.

I realized that, no, I don’t have the right to feel like that. That I am so much more blessed than I think but I wanted to write this because I want to be honest with myself and with all of you. It’s true that human nature is like that, you expect something in return even if you try not to do it. Give and take is what we’re all accustomed of (or shouldn’t I say that?) and no expectations or anything in return is easier said than done.

After a series of ugly crying for about 15 minutes, I realized this:

  • The reason I am being thoughtful, kind and sweet to those I love is because I want them to be happy. Period. Not because I want them to think I am such a good friend going the extra mile for their happiness. That’s the truth and that’s how I have always been, so I shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t get the same treatment right? No one asked me to do this. So what the hell?
  • I may not get the same gesture but I’m sure those whom I love, love me the way they know how to love me. That for me should be enough.
  • There are different languages of love and I should understand other people’s own language of love. If I don’t get what I give (like exactly what I give per se) doesn’t mean I don’t get to be loved enough.

So now, I bother for people because there’s just so much love inside me that I can’t contain, so much that I have to give it out to others. That’s why I bother.

Cohabiting “Issue”

There are mixed reactions and opinions toward this matter but I want to know what you guys think and what’s your take in cohabiting?

In the Philippines (my country) cohabiting is popularly known as “living in” together with your partner while outside or before marriage.

It’s pretty interesting how people perceive these things especially in the Philippines. If you guys are in the US or Canada or Europe, you guys would probably think that though family values and whatnot are prioritize, your society is more open to these things than uptight countries like mine.

You see, the catholic church has a lot to say on things like this. There are a lot of issues and arguments (not just about cohabiting: how girls should dress, how men should cut their hair, how the color of the hair should be like this etc etc) but onto a more pressing issue, cohabiting is considered something “wild” and “terrible” for most people but there are families (like mine) who are more open to these things/issues.

My take on cohabiting is this:

As long as you are an adult, have finished school, has a decent job, can pretty much do a whole lot of adulting and is a responsible individual, then cohabiting is not a problem. I mean the church can say whatever (the hell) they want to say, they might even say it’s disrespectful and whatnot but a lot of things are not enclosed to just religion in itself.

Cohabiting, for me, is a step forward to independence. It’s like a “test run” or a “trial” to married life. It’s like going through what marriage looks like and preparing yourself further more to how a lot of things inside a marriage works.

Kyx and I pretty much live in the same roof and trust me, it’s not like we do teenage things. It’s not like we indulge over sex like there’s no tomorrow (TMI). What usually goes on in our lives is none of other people’s business but for the sake of this post, I shall treat you to what we go through on a daily basis.

We start the day by me getting ready for work, then I’d wake him up for breakfast, I drink my apple cider vinegar then eat breakfast with Kyx. He brings me to work then he picks me up after. While I’m gone, he paints and works on digital art (he works as a digital illustrator. You should check his artworks!) then after ny work, we head home and eat dinner with his parents. After dinner, we watch itsjudytime on YouTube then I do yoga for about an hour or a half hour (depends on my mood lol). After that, it’s either I watch Korean drama series or read a book. I fall asleep at around 11pm and Kyx would go on painting. THAT’S THE USUAL ROUTINE and tell me what’s wrong with that?

We share our expenses, balance our lives with laughter and drama just like normal people and we just so happen to cohabit. I don’t find anything wrong with what we’re doing. Our parents support us fully with our decisions and for me, that’s what’s important. As long as our family supports us and as long as we live with our values and principles, as long as we continue to be good people, then cohabiting shouldn’t be an issue.

Cohabiting is not easy. You have to really run your lives like adult adults. Like you both have to freaking adult everyday whether you like it or not. We’re just a bit lucky that we have a maid to help us do household chores. Both of us are working full time and it’s such a struggle to squeeze in chores on a daily basis. However, if the maid is away, we make sure that we clean the dishes, cook decent food (or have food delivered to our home because lol who are we kidding when we’re both tired and want good food but have no energy to do so? So yeah) we have our clothes sent to the laundry, we assign other chores to each other, we help each other a lot!

I’ve read an article filled probability and statistics and all that crap but news flash: at the end of the day, relationships do last when two people make it work. It’s not like it depends on whether you cohabited or not. Also, let people live the way they want and should because if their lives turned out to be unhappy and miserable, they have themselves to blame. I mean come on, people live the way they do for their own reasons and we must not meddle on their decisions.

What’s your take? I’m interested.