Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

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Untitled.

Sinusulat ko to sa journal ko. Sobrang personal nito para sa akin kaya hindi ko iniisip i-share sa iba. Kadalasan ng ga spiritual encounters ko, mga about faith, hindi ko siya nakukwento sa blog hindi dahil nahihiya ako or parang ang uncool ng dating. Pero dahil napakapersonal nito para sakin. Parang isa siyang bagay na sobrang special na iniingatan ko. Kaya lang today, feeling ko kailangan koi share sainyo kasi siguro para naman kung may pinagdadaanan kayo, baka makatulong. O kaya naman para sa mga tumutulong na ipagdasal ako, eto yung fruit ng pagdadasal niyo din para sa akin.


Nagchuchurch kami ni Airah sa The Feast Bay Area (AM Session) magmula February. Intense ang feeling ko tuwing worship, lagi akong naiiyak. Namiss ko ito at naisip ko kailan ba ako huling nagworship sa panginoon? Simula ng mawala ang Uber, nahirapan kami ni Airah kasi mula pa kami sa Cainta (borderline, Pasig) tapos sa Pasay pa kami nagchuchurch kaya medyo struggle kami pumunta at umuwi galing doon. Last week, dahil sa mahihirapan kami at may schedule din sa afternoon na pupuntahan naming dalawa, nagdecide kami na sa The Feast Ortigas muna. Okay naman, maayos din naman don. As in okay talaga yung community. Wala namang pinipiling lugar yung pagbibigay praise sa Diyos diba? Kaya masaya pa rin kami. After non, pinagdadasal ko n asana next week sa Bay Area ulit kami makapagchurch. Di ko alam kung dahil dun ba ako nasanay pero iba din kasi yung pakiramdam, iba yung aura haha. Tapos parang yung mga tala, nagaalign para samin kasi saktong may driver kami na makakasama so walang problema sa transpo! So eto na.

Eto na yung talagang ikukwento ko.

The usual. Mass, worship and talk. Ayan ang pagkakasunod sunod. Sa misa palang, iba na yung nararamdaman ko. Fast forward sa worship at sa Talk about the Fruit of the Holy Spirit. Hanggang sa nung nagsasalita na yung worship leader habang may nagwoworship na, nabanggit niya ang mga katagang ito na tumatak talaga sakin at nagpaiyak sakin hahahah “if nawalan ka na ng gana. Magkakaron ka ulit ng gana, like a new beginning from the Holy Spirit. If the fruit of what you’re doing, if you’re working hard to help people—then you must love these people. If you love like that, you are loving like Jesus” parang biglang binigyan ako ng pagasa na I am doing this because I love like Jesus, na para bang navalidate ni God yung pagkatao ko at pahapyaw na sinabi sakin na worthy ako sa pagmamahal at blessings niya. Na parang sinasabi sakin ng Panginoon na a new day will come, a new morning will wake me up from a long slumber of pain and heartache na sinasabi sakin na if I continue to love like Jesus, I will not only be blessed but I will also bless the world.

*sorry sobrang gulo kasi di ko nanaman iniisip yung tinatype ko*

Di ko rin alam kasi kung PMS lang ba to kaya sobrang emotional ko o kaya naman talagang pinaparamdam ng Diyos sakin yung pagmamahal Niya sakin bilang anak Niya.

Ang daming nangyayari sa buhay ko, hinintay ko ng matagal na maimbitahan sa isang interview, hindi pa ito ang success story kasi hindi pa naman ako natatanggap don pero this is enough for me na mabigyan ng ganitong opportunity at tingin ko, God made the way for me. Now all I know is if this is meant to be, it will happen. If this is what’s God’s will is, then this will be for me. Naiiyak ako tuwing sinasabihan ako ni mama at ni Kyx na “ang bilis naman sinagot ang prayers natin” o kaya naman “Woah! Diyos na ang gumagawa ng paraan” alam ko naman na hindi pa ito yun at there is no telling kung makakapasa ako dito, pero the mere fact na pinaramdam sa akin na prayers are listened to and even answered for me and for the people I love, I feel like everything can go wrong but I shall stand firm and strong kasi nagkaroon na ako ng ganitong belief sa panginoon.

I am sounding way tooooo preach-y kaya ayoko din ikwento kasi nagmumukang nagiimpose ako ng belief? Or praning lang ako?

Anyway, ano ba yung gusto kong sabihin? Tingin ko, gusto ko lang sabihin talaga na win or lose man, parang hindi na ako matitinag kasi pinafeel niya sakin yung worth ko eh.

Ang gulo gulo na pero sabog din kasi talaga utak ko ngayon haha gusto ko lang ishare sainyo kahit hindi concise at klaro ang thoughts ko haha. May mapupulot pa rin kayo dito kahit magulo yung pagsusulat ko bwahaha.

Note To Self #1

Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!

Just Sharing

I love writing about sad love stories back in 2016 until I became sad myself hah.

I find it fascinating, filled with feelings when people are brave enough to dig deeper into their emotions, grieving yet sharing what seems to be the hardest to talk and write about. I don’t like it when people are lonely, sad and depressed but I just really find it fascinating to read something that can tear me into pieces.

Maybe that was empathy talking. Maybe I wanted to comfort those who have been broken. We all have been broken but not everyone had someone to keep them company when they’re down. I want to be that person. Someone who will comfort you when you need me.

After all the sad story fascinations I have had, I found myself being so thankful that Kyx is mine and that we are together because life without him will be crazy sad! I pray that I never get to write a sad love story starring me and Kyx. I want our stories to be hopeful! Some with stress and crazy fights but always with a hopeful happy ending.

So to veer away from the disturbing anxiety that I have formed just writing about this, I’ll share with you something I have never shared to anyone in the blogosphere before. HAHAHA.

Kyx is a funny guy. He is filled with humor and he never gets angry. He’s so understanding and kind. One fine day, we were driving home and I was being a complete rude child. He told me one thing and I didn’t like it so I screamed really loud. It was supposed to be funny but there was a tinge of annoyance and irritation that I have when I started screaming. I was all “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in a really psychotic high pitched tone (because he was being annoying!!) so what he did was, HE OPENED THE FUCKING WINDOW and laughed cause I was forced to shut the hell up. I couldn’t forget that because instead of yelling at me, he dealt with me with humor and I was so ashamed of myself for being a psycho on him.

Wala lang. I just wanted to share that odd story because now, all I hope for are funny and irritating stories of cute couples rather than sad ones!

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

Anong Pakiramdam ng May Tatlong Kuya?

Sa gitnang litrato: Altheo, Aldwin, Aldous tapos ako yung nakaupo

Ipapasok ko sana yung mga litrato namin ng mga kuya ko dito mula bata kami kaso yung iba nandon sa isang taong di na parte ng buhay ko. Pinapascan ko kasi sakanya nung 2009 tapos na-ondoy tapos ewan ko na. peste.

Anyway, ayun. Marami na kasing nakapagtanong sakin nito tapos hindi ko alam kung ano yung isasagot ko kasi??? Feeling ko normal lang yun??? Hindi ko naman kasi naiintindihan dati yung ano yung feeling ng walang kuya? Kasi hello, ang dami nila so pano ko malalaman ang difference?

Pano ko malalaman ang difference? Pag tumanda na kami. At ngayong matanda na kami, alam ko na yung pakiramdam.

Kuyas and Memories

  1. Nung Nanganak ang mama namin sa bunso, si Kuya Aldwin ang kasama ko sa bahay. Grade 3 ako nun. Tapos sabi ko sa Kuya Aldwin ko kailangan niya akong ayusan ng buhok kasi magagalit teacher ko kapag hindi nakatali. Sabi nya sa akin, sige daw. Mabilis kaming kumilos, pinakain nya ako, naligo at nagbihis ako. Pagtapos nun sabi niya “anong ayos ba gusto mo?” sabi ko “pigtails!” ayun, mahigit 30 minutes nya akong inaayusan. Tuwang tuwa ako non kasi pinagkalat ko sa class namin na kuya ko yung nagpony ng buhok ko. Iba yung kilig kasi sinasabi ng mga classmates ko “wowwwww talagaaa” ganern.
  2. Hindi pa ako nag-aaral non, siguro 3 or 4 years old lang ako tapos ang nagbabantay sakin isang hapon ay si Kuya Aldous (ang pangalawang matandang kuya ko) tapos nakikipaglaro ako sa mga kapitbahay namin tapos sabi niya “diyan ka lang, babalik ako ah” tapos pagbalik nya nakangiti sya, may bitbit syang laruan pero ayaw niya ipakita sakin tapos hinabol ko sya papasok sa bahay namin. May laruan na golf set siyang binili. Siguro 15 lang sya nun tapos huhuhuhu di ko alam san niya kinuha yung pera na pinambili niya non. Naaalala ko gustong gusto ko yung golf golfan na yun eh!
  3. Pinakapaboritong alala ko kasama si Kuya Theo ay marami huhu pero yung nakatatak sa puso’t kaluluwa ko eh yung nagpapanggap pa rin siyang may Santa Claus for my sake. Alam na niya kung sino si Santa pero hindi niya sinasabi sa akin. Paniwalang paniwala ako tapos chillax lang siya. May regalo din kasi si Santa sakanya pero kahit madalas kaming nagaaway hindi niya sinira yung childhood ko at sinabi sakin kung sino talaga si Santa Claus. Mehehe
  4. Paborito kong sinasabi yung “Isusumbong kita sa kuya ko” o kaya naman “Patay ka sa kuya ko ah” kapag may epal sa buhay ko. Wala din namang nagtangka na bwisitin ako further nung bata ako dahil nga takot sila sa mga kuya ko. Kasi alam ko din na mananagot kung sino man yung kakanti sa akin haha. Siguro bukod sa dugong batangena ko, kaya din ako matapang kasi nga hehehe 3 kuya ko bwahaha
  5. Lahat sila nakapaghugas ng pwet ko o nalabhan damit ko. Lahat ng pag-aalaga natamo ko. Lahat din ng pangaasar pero keri lang.
  6. Madalas kong kaaway si kuya Altheo nung bata kami. Maldita kasi ako tapos ang sakit kasi niyang mangkaltok kaya napapaiyak talaga ako sa sakit. Minsang kinaltukan niya ako sabay belat wala akong ibang nagawa kundi kagatin ang sarili ko sabay sigaw “mama si kuya kinagat ako!!” BWAHAHAHAHA.
  7. Lagi silang nanonood ng cheering compets ko or pagsasayaw or kahit anong performance. Lagi din sila kasama ko sa mga kung ano anong bagay.
  8. Dati si Kuya Aldwin nagtrabaho for fun nung college siya tapos sa unang sweldo niya binilhan niya ako ng A Bug’s Life na t-shirt. Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako non. Grade 1 lang ako non eh.
  9. Tinutulungan din nila ako lalo na nung nagaaral pa ako bwahaha. Tapos binibilhan ako ng mga gusto ko. Ay nga pala, dapat isang number pa to pero dito nalang ilalagay haha. Isang beses, college na ako non, umuulan tapos sa kanto lang ako bababa. Kapag ganon kasi, susunduin ako ni Kuya Theo na may bitbit na payong. Tapos nung araw nay un, tulog pala siya. Bale sumugod ako sa ulan tapos pinagalitan ko siya paguwi ko. Sinesermonan ko na hindi manlang niya ako sinundo at basing basa ako sa ulan bwahahah.
  10. Tapos yung last, hanggang ngayon sa kanila pa rin nanggagaling ang cellphone ko HAHAHAHA.

Hindi ko madescribe kung anong pakiramdam ng mayroong 3 kuya kaya based on the 10 facts sana nalaman niyo.

Bottomline para akong may 3 tatay at kaberks hahaha. Ang dami ko pang ililista diyan pero sa susunod na.

Si Kyxa at Si Aila S01E03: Binuhay Ang Kilig

Bago mag graduation, ibinalik sa akin ng kaibigan ko yung book bind, tapos na daw silang lahat magsulat. Kinakabahan ako kasi alam kong nakapagsulat na si Kyx.

TLE Project

Pumunta kami ni Diane sa classroom namin, sa isang sulok, binuksan naming yung book bind at hinanap ang parte kung saan nagsulat si Kyx. Ang iksi lang, pero ang laki ng kahulugan sakin.

❤ ❤ ❤

Bumalik yung kilig ko tapos tumili nalang kami ni Diane.

Simula non, nagusap na ulit kami. Pero alam ko, huli na rin naman ang lahat. Magcocollege na kami, mag-iiba na ang landas naming dalawa. Sa Miriam ako, all girls nanaman at siya naman ay sa FEU.

Masayang malungkot. Pero sa isip isip ko, baka mas magkaroon ng chance na maging kami kapag college na kami!?

Gumraduate na nga kami, tapos hindi na kami nagkita buong bakasyon.

April 2008, inimbita ko siya sa birthday party ko sa Mcdonald’s. Children’s party yun pero puro high schoolers kami, 17th birthday party ko yun pero hindi siya pumunta.

Naisip ko nanaman hindi siguro ako importante kaya ganon. Nalungkot nanaman ako. Back to square 1 nanaman ulit. Wala nang katapusang paikot ikot, walang katapusang pakiramdaman.

Sa puntong ito, pakiramdam ko ako lang naman talaga ang may nararamdaman.