Wag Sabihin Kung Hindi Kayang Gawin

Gusto ko lang sabihin na wag nating madalas sabihin yung I love you at dudugtungan pa ng “no matter what” kung hindi natin kayang panindigan.

Ang love kasi napakalalim niyan. Big word. Ganern. Hindi siya madaling gawin.

For me, love in general is loving that person despite everything. Love is having faith in that person and if you don’t love that person enough, yan papasok yung you will have to walk away and no I’m not saying that’s wrong, kasi lahat ng bagay may hangganan. But all I’m saying is napakahirap ng pagmamahal. Hindi yan madaling ibigay sa friends, family at ibang tao kasi ang hirap magmahal.

Kasi pag mahal mo, mahal mo even in the tough times. You find yourself forgiving people and understanding them because that’s how much love you have. You forget about the pain and hurt they may have caused you lalo na yung petty things because love is so much stronger than the hurt diba?

Kaya nga sinasabi nila yung love daw nakakabobo, nakakatanga. Kasi in reality nga papatawarin mo ng paulit ulit kahit gaanong kasakit, paulit ulit mong papakinggan with the hope na hindi na mauulit yung masama o masakit na ginawa. If hindi mo yan magawa for someone, then your love isn’t that deep.

Ang dami kong friends na sobrang love na love naming ang isa’t isa pero nasan na sila ngayon? Sometimes you only love a person when it’s convenient. You love a person when everything is right for the both of you. If nahurt ka, if may maling nagawa sayo, all of a sudden hindi mo na mahal without even thinking nab aka ikaw may mali ka rin na nagawa.

Loving someone only when it is convenient is not love at all.

And napatunayan ko yan sa nanay ko at kay Kyx.

Well my mom, given na yan talaga kasi sobrang mahal niya ako at lahat ng anak niya.

Kay Kyx naman, ang dami kong moments. Lalo na yung anxiety attacks ko na nagsusuffer din siya when I suffer. Pwede naman siyang umayaw, pwede naman siyang bumitaw but he never does. Alam niyo yung sa pelikula yung sobrang hirap na mahalin nung isang tao tapos umiiyak na sila pareho kasi sobrang sakit na pero may isang yayakap tapos magyayakapan nalang sila ng mahigpit habang umiiyak? Yun yung love. Yun yung “despite of”. Yung yayakapin mo nalang lahat ng sakit kasi mas masakit mawala yung taong yun so you welcome the pain instead tapos si love na ang bahalang umaway kay pain. Kasi eventually, the pain goes away when the love stays strong.

Kaya nga kung hindi natin kayang gawin yan, wag na nating sinasabi.

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Anong Ginawa Ko, Para Madeserve Itong Taong Ito?

Ilang buwan na ang allergy ko. Ganoon talaga kapag pollen season, tiis tiis.

Mga bandang alas tres nagising ako, kasi  barado yung ilong ko. May sipon mula sa allergic rhinitis ko na kailangang isinga.

Tinapik tapik ko si Kyx gamit ang mga paa ko. Nag-doDota pa rin siya.

Kyx: bakit?

Ako: Sisinga ako, di ako makahinga, sisinga ako.

Wala na kaming tissue pala. In game siya pero natataranta kasi wala na din makitang sisingahan ko.

Nagising ang diwa ko nang bigla niyang hinubad yung tshirt na suot niya para singahan ko.

(alam ko nakakadiri na sisinga ako sa damit pasensya na ahahahahahha)

Pero ang sweet nakakaiyak eh.

Hayyyy.

May mga maliliit na bagay na ganito, nakakadiri pa nga kung tutuusin kasi sisinga ako sa damit eh diba pero alam mo yun???? Yung simpleng gesture na ganon? Yung dahil wala siyang maibigay sakin, hinubad niya yung damit niya para dun  nalang ako suminga. Di bale nang lamigin ng bahagya, para lang may masingahan ako. Lord, ano ginawa ko para madeserve ang taong ito. Hayy. Kinikilig ako.

The Type of Guy

Cheesy and mushy are my thing with friends—people really close to my heart. But in a prospect for relationship, I’m more of the casual friend-y type. I don’t like guys writing poems for me, writing songs about me, telling me they’re thinking about me. Not that I’m GGSS or something (so shamers, let’s not make it about ourselves lels) I just get really turned off with that kind of thing. Maybe it has something to do with being an INFJ? Or maybe it’s the Alpha female in me. I want challenge. Yung tipong umiikot yung pwet ko kakaisip kung gusto din ba ako nung guy na yun o hindi? That kind of challenge.

We all differ especially with these kinds of things. There are girls who wouldn’t want to deal with challenges and would fall easily for the hopeless romantic type of guy and it’s alright. I guess this is just the other side of the coin is what I’m saying.

So what type of guy or girl would you fall for? The hopeless romantic on the onset or yung friend friend lang kind?

Relasyon Chronicles

Kagaya ng lahat ng relasyon, hindi perpekto ang sakin, ang sa amin. Hindi naman kasi talaga laging masaya, laging nakakatuwa, laging walang tensyon. Hindi ganoon.

May paminsan minsang pagsundot ng mga nakakainis na scenario. Mga nakakabwisit na quirks at mga nakakapunyetang problema na gusto mo nang malusutan pero stuck kayong dalawa.

Lagi din naman nagiging maayos, laging nagiging okay pagkatapos.

Magkasama kami sa bahay. Nagki-cringe ako sa term na “live in” kasi bukod sa wrong grammar ito dahil siguro shortened term ng “living in one house together” hindi magandang pakinggan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kaya mas gusto ko nalang yung term na magkasama sa bahay hahaha.

Iba ang buhay ng magjowang magkasama sa bahay kaysa sa hindi. Para kayong nagbabahay bahayan na hindi. Para kayong unofficial na mag-asawa at bilang next level na ang relasyon niyo at hindi lang simpleng magbf-gf in a conservative country—iba din yung mga tinatalakay na issue at problema.

Nitong nakaraan may hindi kami pagkakaunawaan. Masyadong mataas ang levels ng aking emotions at hindi ko makontrol ang nararamdaman ko. Masyado akong mabilis maiyak at mainis. Hindi nakakatulong. Sa panahon na ito, kagaya ng mga nakalipas—siya ang laging kalmado lang. Maunawain sa tantrums ko at iniintindi ang mga bagay na hindi madaling intindihin tungkol sakin lalo na kapag nilalamon na ng emosyon.

Sa simpleng problemang ito, may kaunting pagsagi sa utak ko ng “baka kailangan ko nalang ng ibang tao”. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Simpleng simple lang yung problema namin, hindi 3rd party, hindi tungkol sa pamilya. Napakasimple kaya hindi ko malaman kung bakit kailangan ko pa yun maisip.

Pero sandali lang bago ko narealize na hindi ko kailangan humanap ng iba. Hindi solusyon ang hiwalayan o kung ano pa. lalo na kung simple lang naman ang problema na pinapalaki ko lang pala.

Hindi ko sinabi sakanya yung sumagi sa isip ko, never akong nag-threat ng hiwalayan kasi alam ko at the end of the day, lagi naman din kaming nagiging okay.

Kasi kahit habang masungit ako makipag-usap sakanya, maririnig mo agad agad ang mga salitang pasensya na na sinsero at walang halong sarkasmo. Maagap siya, mabilis siya humingi ng pasensya lalo’t alam niyang may pagkakamali siya.

Hindi ko kailangang maghalungkat ng mga nakakainis niyang ginawa upang maipunto ko lang yung mga kamalian niya o areas of improvement.

Habang sinusungitan ko siya, ang sagot niya sa akin ay “Pasensya na. alam kong nagkulang ako sa parting iyon. Babawi ako.”

Hindi pa ako kalmado kahit narinig ko ang mga iyan. Sabi ko lang sakanya “sige na sige na, maghanap ka na ng panonoorin natin”. Dali dali naman siyang pumunta sa computer niya at nagtagal siguro ng 30 minutes bago makahanap ng panonoorin sabay sabi “okay ba sayo tong horror?” tapos pinalapit ko siya at niyakap. Nahimasmasan na kasi ako. Hindi na ako parang tigreng aatakihin sya.

Hayyyyyy

 Iba lang kasi talaga ang mga pinagaawayan ng mga magkakarelasyon na magkasama sa bahay. Simple pero mas nakakainis kumpara sa hindi. Hindi ko masabi dito kasi masyadong personal hahaha. Inexplain ko lang kasi nabanggit ko yung tungkol sa magkasama sa bahay eh hahah. Pero siguro ganoon talaga. May mga pagsubok na napaka petty pero doon mo makikita ang karakter ng taong karelasyon mo. Kahit ang gulo gulo mo na kausap, mahinahon pa rin siya at kalmado lang.

Wala lang, nakwento ko lang.

Happy Birthday, Kyx!

Finally, the day has come. Every year since 2007, I would wait for August first to come so that I can finally greet you a happy birthday.

During those times, my “happy birthday” greeting  would entail a meaning of thoughtfulness, care and friendly love. It’s my way of telling you that I went the extra mile for you. You know that I used to not like birthdays and greeting people right? It’s also my way of showing you that every year, I make it a point to let you know how much I value your day. It’s not just a mere hello or a greeting, it’s always something more and I’m always too shy to let you know.

After 11 years, here we are—still really good friends, best of friends in fact, and I cannot emphasize enough how much you mean to me so instead, I am here with you to celebrate your life. I want you to know that I love you with everything that I am, I love you in my dark times and in my bright days. I love you when I’m sad, I love you still when I’m happy. Even when I’m angry, I love you. No matter how many rollercoaster of emotions I go through on a daily basis, nothing changes with the love I feel for you. Happy birthday my ddear love love hahahahaha. You are the little ball of sunshine whenever life rains on my parade. See ya later! Let us enjoy cake and beer later (pero ako lang naman yung iinom but whatever haha)


Sa taong pumupuno sa akin ng ligaya. Yung nandiyan lang para icomfort ako lagi sa bawat drama ng buhay ko araw araw. Yung masaya pag masaya ako, yung hindi ako pinepressure maging okay kapag hindi naman talaga ako okay. Yung andiyan lagi para sabihan ako na “masarap ang mabuhay”. Yung sobrang inspiring na tao dahil sobrang bait. Sobrang hindi judgmental at maunawain. Yung laging nakikita ang good side ng isang tao kahit napakasama nan g ugali. Yung hindi natatakot na maging totoo lang, yung walang pakielam basta walang naaapakang tao. Itong araw mo, sana kahit nalulunod ka sa trabaho ngayon ay maenjoy mo dahil nakatikim ka ng pesto rice na ginawa ko gamit ang recipe ni Kat for breakfast ahahhah (Kat, sabi niya masarap daw. Huhuhu) kahit wala kang ginawa buong araw kung hindi magpinta ng magpinta, sobrang proud ako sayo kasi napakahusay mo at passionate mo sa trabaho mo. In a nutshell, nakakainspire ka. Sana maging ganyan din ako. Sobrang bait, HAHAHA.

At dahil birthday mo naman, iaawra ko yung mga likha mo dito haha. (sorry ang random hahah)

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(all artworks are made by Kyx Peralta for Gunship Revolution)

Random Lovey Dovey Things

I used to write Kyx so many love letters on random days of the year and I think I missed doing that because for the most parts of last year, I was too dull and sad and lonely and depressed and a lot of issues are stemming out from me that I wasn’t capable of maybe showing and telling how I feel. A wire has gone messed up last year. So much for my excuses.

Today, I was thinking of how big my love is for that person. I couldn’t contain it inside me, in my heart. There’s so much love and it overflows, it oozes out of me and I can’t hold it in, I can’t hold it back. There’s much too much of it that my mouth hurts from smiling and laughing a lot.

I don’t think I have ever felt this for another person before. And I hope I never have to lose it.

Of course there were times that I would really want to pull Kyx’s hair or strangle him because there’s no perfect relationship haha but nonetheless, I love him so very much it makes me cringe at how cheesy this post have become. Eugh!

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.