Guess Who’s Back?

Aila (1)

Digital Painting by Kyxarie Peralta

It has been a year my friends, The journey, my journey—our journey will begin in about 2 days from now. Tomorrow, the 8th of April Manila, Philippines time, my life will change, everything will turn upside down and I wouldn’t know where to start. You guys then will be my support, my strength and my fortress.

What a year it has been!!! I couldn’t believe that it has been a year already and look at me, all moved on and not hurt or pissed anymore! There are hiccups along the way, losing friends—my best friends (or so I though) was not easy and you helped me get back on track. You all here, helped me one way or another. I felt like I was drowning or even being buried but you helped me get back on my feet. That’s intense!

So to celebrate the year it has been and my 27th birthday here are my goals or resolutions or to-dos hahaha.

  • I’ll be more around, more present.
  • I’ll try to be more interactive, I swear I am trying my best hahaha.
  • I will continue to change for the better.

To everyone who continue to read whatever I have to write and listen to whatever I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being there.

To the TFIOB family, ilang months lang yata akong HIATUS ang dami na nadagdag hahaha let’s see each other again soon!

And most especially to these people:

Space, Kat, Kate, Amielle, Alona, Jhem, Aubrey, Lhory, Bharath, Jolens, Ica, Eca, Krishel, Mommy Meg, CJ, Chammy, Aysa, Kuya Keso, Jassie, Rhea, Kuya Jheff, Ely, Jonathan

 – SALAMAT NG MARAMI.

Aside from all the ganaps in the office, I wanted more space for myself hence the little hiatus but I’m still on twitter anyway. I guess that’s the INFJ in me. Bigla biglang nawawala hahaha. I hope you understand. I needed to focus on healing myself emotionally. I went to church (almost) every Sunday, I went boxing about 2 to 3 times a week, I worked on myself so that I could give or share more of myself to you diba hehehe.

I just want to say as well, I AM BACK ❤

 

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Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!

Slump!

Just trying to schedule everything I want to do on a daily basis or on weekends make me so mad because I have no enough time to do whatever the hell I want to do. With this 8-5 job (actually a 9-6 and other times, flexi schedule but you get it right?) I can’t seem to do stuff I used to do. Or let’s not blame the job, let’s blame it all on me because I am the problem to be honest hahahahah.

I want to do so many things even though I don’t have enough time for all of it. There’s just too many books left unread and it keeps piling up to the point that I have to pass on Big Bad Wolf because it’s a burden and it’s frustrating for me to keep buying books I would never have read (or maybe will be able to read a lifetime from now) also, there’s so many episodes in a series I love left unwatched and it’s such a pain in the butt to catch up on it because, gahh I’m already so sleepy and grumpy every night after work. Not to mention that there’s still so much watercolour left so I can paint more pictures and learn more techniques yet it sits on my makeshift watercolour table and I have not touched it in months!

I am on a slump and I don’t know how to get out of this slump I am in. It’s just that the only free time I have is on Sunday and Sunday means church day and when I get back home after church, it’s either I need to do Yoga or meet up with friends or whatever. I’m not complaining, it’s just that if I could have more time for myself… huhuhu.

Also, I only ever get to talk to a few friends on social media and the rest is all blurred out because my schedule is as tight as.. I can’t think of a term that’s “tight” and decent enough to use so. Idk.

Basically, my life so far is not a mess but I am stuck somewhere and I can’t find my way out! HALP!

Iyakin and God’s Love

If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s crying. I get so emotional over things so easily. From simple and petty things to huge things, expect me to cry.

Whenever I meet people for get togethers, events or stuff like that, expect me to feel drained and overly emotional for the next couple of days. I’ll shut down for a while and will not talk nor be interested in anything at all. All these happens when I am drained from too much social activities or I got disappointed on a situation and I can’t quite grasp on an idea so I shut down.

Saturday was my college friend’s bachelorette party. It was so fun! After not seeing these people for years, I got to spend time with them which is UH-MAY-ZEHNG! Went home a bit drunk and happy but my heartburn is acting up because of tequila and with little to no sleep at all, my head was pounding. I missed church and the birthday party of my godson Alex. Monday, I missed work (not that I feel bad but hahaha)

So nothing went my way yesterday. It was crappy. It was a bad bad day. I can’t talk about it yet but it was just so bad that I ended up crying then falling asleep and then waking up to cry once more.

I was not able to eat dinner because I kept thinking why I was acting so dumb? Why am I still crying over crappy things? So while Kyx was eating dinner, I sat quietly, wiped my tears away and talked to God. I asked God what is he trying to tell me. Why do I still have to wait when I can get it instantly? Why do I have to wait when obviously, I need it ALREADY?! Then it’s like my mind suddenly began working again. My brain cells are energized and my heart is not as heavy when I realized that maybe, God is making sure I really want this. That he is assuring me of his perfect plans, that he’s never late because he’s always on time and how can I forget that? How for a split second can I forget that his plans are better than mine?

Did you think I stopped crying? I cried once more. HAHAHAHA but because I am overwhelmed with how God shows his love for me.

Then I stopped crying and proceeded on catching up with Scandal. Heh

 

“Lalaki ang sa amin, walang mawawala, walang talo.”

DISCLAIMER: Natrigger ako magsulat nito dahile may dalawang naguusap sa FX kaninang umaga na sa kanila daw kasi ang babae eh nag out of town keme so siyempre sabi ni Tita #1 kay Tita #2 na talo sila kanila ang babae at sa other party eh wala naman daw mawawala. HAHAHAHAAH dahil di ko sila kilala at hindi ko masabihan, isinulat ko ito para malabas ang damdamin ko. HAHAHAHA

Bago ang lahat, wag nating idamay ang relihiyon dito dahil usapang pantao ito. Damdamin, social issue o kung ano pa mang lehitimong tawag sa topic na tinatalakay ko. Hindi dapat kasali kung ano mang relihiyon o paniniwala pagdating sa diyos dahil kahit ano pa man ang relihiyon mo, nasasaktan ka, may damdamin at may pakielam sa pakikipagkapwa tao. Kaya kung relihiyon rin lang ang banat, wag na dito. At tsaka ang gusto ko lang kasi talagang pagusapan ay yung kakitiran ng utak ng mga tao na iniisip na may mawawala sa babae o matatalo ang isang babae kapag iniwan. Alam ko nakapagsulat na ako tungkol dito eh. Kaya lang nagreresurface nanaman kaya banatan ulit natin.


Kapag nagsama ang isang babae at isang lalaki, o nag live-in o nagpakasal lagi sinasabi na ang lalaki naman ay walang mawawala at walang talo. Siguro kasi kapag nabuntis ang isang babae, siya ang magdadala non for 9 months. Pero ang lalaki sasabihin nila na parang wala lang, walang nagbago nakabuntis man o hindi.

Pero kasi 2018 na ang hirap pa rin ba lalo na sa mga Filipino na tanggapin, pagaralan, pagisipan ang gender equality?

Bilang babae, hindi ko maiwasan na mainis o magpuyos ang damdamin kapag naririnig ko yung mga sinasabing sa babae kasi may mawawala o matatalo. Sa paanong paraan ho? Ano ho ang mawawala? Excuse my French pero magpapakatotoo na ako ah, mawawala ang alin? Ang virginity? Alisin natin ang mga pangkatolikong paniniwala o kung ano pa man. Tao sa taong usapan lang. Kung (gustong gusto kong isulat yung terminology na naiisip ko kaso baka sabihin niyo bastos pero isusulat ko pa rin) kik* lang rin ang basehan, sumisikip naman yon kahit gamitin mo araw araw. Scientifically speaking, hindi yan lumuluwag o nawawala sa porma via natural sexual intercourse. Ano pa? Ano pa mawawala? Yung innocence, nawala na yun matagal na. Ano pa? Alin pa? Yung puri? Ano bang ibig sabihin para sa inyo ng “puri”? Sa tekstong sekswal lang ba ang sukat at basehan? Oh come on. Puri my ass.

Sa lalaki din naman may nawawala. Nawawala din ang virginity nila. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan sa kung paanong paraan natatalo at may nawawala sa babae at sa lalaki naman ay wala. Walang talo. Puro panalo lang. Contest ba to na may nananalo at natatalo?

Kasi magwork man ang isang relasyon o hindi. Magkaroon man ng anak o hindi, wala naming nananalo at natatalo. Sige let’s put it this way, nagkaroon ng anak ang isang magkarelasyon. Iniwan ni lalaki si babae at ang anak. The end. Anong talo don? Makakahanap si babae ng kapalit ni lalaki kung yun ang destiny niya. Kung iniwan man siya sa kung ano mang kadahilanan hindi matatapos ang buhay doon, hindi titigil ang pagikot ng mundo at lalong lalo na walang contest na may nananalo at natatalo.

Kung si babae naman ang umiwan kay lalaki at sa anak nila ganon din naman. Makakahanap din si lalaki ng kapalit, aalagaan din niya ang anak, masasaktan din siya, pagdadaanan din niya ang emosyonal na trauma pero makakabangon din siya diba?

Tigil tigilan niyo ako sa mga talo ang babae. Hindi na makakahanap ng matinong lalaki gawa nang nabuntis na siya at iba pang keme at may anak na siya at kung ano ano pang katangahang banat.

Babae o lalaki, may anak o wala, may sex na naganap, walang natalo at walang nanalo. Mag-iwanan man sila, masakit yun at may emotional baggage silang dala pero walang mas kawawa lalo na kung gagawin mo yung best mo para makaahon ka sa kalugmukan.

2018 na ang sesexist parin. Pwe.

Ewan ko ba. Nakakainis. hahahahhaha


UPDATE!

Sensitibo ako pagdating sa topic na ganito dahil I came from a broken family. Kung mabasa man to ng pamilya ng ama ko o ng pamilya ng mga kapatid ko o kamag anak ng mga kapatid ko sa tatay nila, this is not intended to offend pero basehan ko lang yung katotohanan na ang mama ko mismo ang nagdesisyon na makipaghiwalay sa tatay namin ng mga kapatid ko dahil hindi na nagwowork yung relationship. Itinaguyod niya kaming mag-isa, walang tulong ng kahit na sino, hindi kami pinagaral ng mga kamag anak namin at mama ko lang talaga. Siya ang sumalo at umako ng lahat ng responsibilidad ng isang magulang pero NEVER kong nakita o naramdaman na kawawa siya. Namulat kami na matatag siya, matapang, may diskarte sa buhay. Lahat ng kinakain namin, pinangpapaaral sa amin sa kanya lang nanggaling. Wala kahit na sino ang nagbigay samin ng suporta maliban sa kanya at hindi ko nakitaan ng kahinaan kahit na alam kong mahirap magtaguyod ng limang anak na magisa ka lang. Kaya ako, ayokong naririnig na kawawa ang babae kapag iniwan. Dahil una sa lahat, kaya rin ng babaeng mang-iwan. Pangalawa, hindi kawawa dahil basta kakayanin mo at magsusumikap ka, hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mong maging kawawa. Pangatlo, inexplain ng mama ko sakin na noong unang panahon lang kawawa kapag iniwan dahil walang walang aral o trabaho ang karamihan sa mga kababaihan (di ko alam anong year yon, baka di pa nga ako inuumpisahang buuin ng magulang ko noon) pero iba na ngayon. Ang babae, may pinagaralan, may trabaho at lumalaban.

About naman sa gender equality, ang lalaki din naman kapag iniwan hindi rin siya dapat maging kawawa. Ang lalaki kapag niloko kakayanin din niya dapat makaahon sa sakit na dinulot ng failed relationship. At kung sakanya iwanan ang anak, kayang kaya rin niyang palakihin iyon.

Kaya wag na tayo sa double standards. Masakit sa tenga marinig yun eh. Dapat pasulong, paangat. Lalaki o babae, walang kawawa at walang talo. Tandaan nyo yan.

Making Time (My 2018 So Far)

January ended just like that so let me take a look at how my January went.

  • Got sick for a whole friggin week! It’s crazy but as I said earlier, it gave me more time to myself. Heh.
  • I have not painted a single thing this month so I guess I’ll go ahead this month and paint something.
  • I kind of lost my drive to work because my morals and principles are being challenged every day so I guess, it’s time for me to leave.

Anywayyyyyyyy on the bright side,

One of the resolutions I made for this year is to make time for the right people. I think I have been good at it since the start of the year.

In January – I attended our family reunion. I always attend it anyway so. Haha.

  • I also attended the TFIOB 2nd meet up and was able to interact with my blogging friends.
  • I spent time with my family and Kyx’s family for a change. I love it.
  • I spent time with a few friends. Celebrated our friend’s birthday and had a wonderful time!

In February – I have a ton of plans!

  • Date with my college friend, Eds.
  • Attend my friend’s party.
  • Date with Kyx.
  • Paramore concert with Kyx and friends.
  • Church searching with my friend Ai.
  • Dinner date with cousins and a visit to Pinto Art.
  • Hopefully all these plans in February will push through.

The fact that I’m actually eager to spend time with people is an absolute improvement. I’m really towards recovery!!! I love it!

I have a few plans in March, especially my coffee date with A (ehem A, magcocoffee na tayo sa March! Hehe)

How’s your 2018 so far?

I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!