The Art of Deadma: Boss Edition

I can’t believe I’m talking about this because I am the last person I can think of that would “deadma” something especially if it would trigger so many feelings.

With everything that happened to me, I have learned how to control my emotions, to choose my battles, to know how I should react especially in stressful scenarios. It wasn’t easy but the moment I was able to get the hang of it, then all is well. Hence I have learned the art of deadma.

After the holidays, my boss gave everyone in our team his Christmas gift. Everyone had their gifts on top of their tables except me. Yup! You got that right, he didn’t bother giving me a gift. He left me out.

Had it happened a year ago, I would’ve bawled my eyes out. It would have hurt me so bad that I would overthink every single detail. I would make assumptions as to why he would have left me out! But now, I don’t care as much as I always did.

Whether his intentions would be to hurt me, to make me feel bothered or not, I don’t care. I wouldn’t give him the slightest satisfaction of seeing me hurt or affected and the good part is I am not even pretending to be unaffected!

Because last night, I was just thanking God for all the blessings he gave me. He answered my prayers especially when I asked him to grant me healing. I feel so blessed just by thinking about my family, friends and loved ones and that is enough to make me feel happy. I don’t need  gifts in fancy wrapping papers, I don’t need fake love. I got what I need and that’s enough.

So the art of deadma works well especially when you feel satisfied, happy and blessed beyond belief. Whoo!

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Same Story, Different Perspective PART 1

I wrote a really long blog entry last night but I couldn’t find it anywhere in my laptop and I wanted to cry but whatever. Leche.

Intentions

It feels a lot easier to tell the story now that I have finally moved on. It’s like I am telling the story from a different perspective!

One of the favourite things I have learned and focused on from the emotional mess I have endured in the past were “intentions”.


It was the day after my 26th birthday. I was in a really happy mood especially that my best friend Gee and I agreed to have dinner at Eastwood after months of not seeing each other. I arrived at Mcdonald’s—our meeting place around 20 minutes earlier. While I wait for Gee, I ordered fries and Coke.

While waiting, an earthquake happened. I thought I was just dizzy but I saw how the tables and chairs swayed, people looked at each other with a bit of panic in their eyes. I stared down at my Coke and saw that though it wasn’t splashing, the black liquid is definitely moving. I held on to it knowing full well that it might spill if the earthquake decides to be more extra. After a good minute or 2, I messaged my friends. I was worried that something might have happened, I want to make sure they were fine. They said that they felt it too and that they’re okay.

Gee arrived and we headed to Bigoli’s. It used to be Fazoli’s, our ultimate fave back then. After eating, Gee had to run quick at the Globe center , something to do with her postpaid line I guess. So while waiting, I checked my phone. There was a message from K in the Group chat. She sent photos of wrecked buildings caused by the earthquake and then said “sana may nabagsakan nalang niyan eh” (translation: “I wish someone got hit by those”—pertaining to the building wreck) I knew instantly something was wrong. Then she suddenly sent a new message containing screenshots of old conversations as proof of my snide comments. My comments were not bad but it was bad enough to be exposed like that. I was trying to pacify the situation, admitting to what I said and apologizing if someone have found it offensive when being offensive wasn’t my intention. Maybe it was blunt and insensitive but what I said was true and it wasn’t meant to be mean! But somehow, my words were twisted and I was frustrated to further explain myself especially when no one was listening. By the time that everyone was just going crazy, I said my piece again that they were taking what I said the wrong way and still no one cares, I left the group chat.

I was hyperventilating. My world was spinning and I can’t even continue eating my chicken which of course had gone cold already. I can’t even drink. I was in shock!

I waited for Gee and told her what had happened, after dinner I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom. I told her everything that happened and I was ugly crying and I think I messaged Kyx too so he drove to my mom’s house and comforted me as well. They were also in shock that something like that had to happen, it was really petty! I was crying so much that my mom wanted to intervene. She wanted to call someone, the barangay, the cops, whatever. But I told her I need to do this on my own.

My mom’s eyes were super wide and she has this look of hurt in her face. She looked strong and at the same time helpless. She lit her Marlboro lights and puffed it while telling me how I should speak up for myself and don’t let these people talk to me in a very degrading way. (did I mention I was called a bitch, two faced friend et cetera haha)

I think I calmed down eventually but still in shock and I wasn’t able to sleep well that night. I was crying sooooo hard every minute it flashes back in my mind.

I never got to talk to these people after I left the group chat. At least not immediately.

Complicated

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are  trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

Top 5 Things 2018 Taught Me

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year.  It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

  1. No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
  2. Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
  3. I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
  4. I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
  5. LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.

I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤

Mini Goals for 2019

I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.

  1. One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy
  2. I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!
  3. I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.

Maybe I’ll add more to this list soon!

Magandang Paalala

Ang dami kong sinulat about ditto pero ang daming palabok kaya ulitin ko nalang. Straight to the point nalang.

Don’t get me wrong, nireremind ko din yung sarili ko nito kasi minsan kailangan natin iremind ang mga sarili natin lalo na kapag ang dami na nating hanash sa buhay at parang nakakaapekto na tayo ng ibang tao. So eto na:

In this life, hindi laging ikaw ang magaling. Hindi pwedeng laging ikaw ang bida. Hindi porket magaling ka, ikaw nalang ang laging magaling at tama to the point na hindi ka na nakikinig sa suggestions ng ibang tao. You close your mind sa mga ideas ng ibang tao kasi tingin mo ikaw lang yung laging tama. You won’t go that far kung ganyan ang mindset mo. When you try to control every single thing, bukod sa hindi ka na pleasant kasama at kausap, nakakainis pa na ang tingin mo sa ibang tao ay walang utak at hindi nagiisip. So again, sana isipin natin na ang lawak ng mundo, ang daming matututunan, ang daming taong may alam pa ng mga ibang bagay bukod sa iyo so be open for learning, welcome the opportunities for growth.

Wag tayong bida bida lagi.

Things to Remember When Insecurities Creep In

There are days when you simply don’t feel good enough about yourself that it takes extra effort to like how you look and this is one of those days. I ate insecurities for breakfast today so I don’t know what’s up. I can’t blame my hormones again or the planets, it’s just plain insecurities creeping in when you least expect it.

I knew it was a bad idea to check someone’s profile but I still did because I’m an idiot. So I saw this beautiful photo and though I know it’s heavily made up (as in gawang make-up artist talaga, mukang wedding stuff levels ganern) plus the fact that I know how that person truly looks like under the make-up, I still felt ugly. (hoy althea, bakit insecure ka masyado???? Oa mo)

I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. That I am not beautiful and I look like shit. And though I know it’s not 100% true (the fact that I look like shit cause we all know I don’t really HAHAHAHAH) why did I feel shitty?

I don’t know. So here’s something we can all agree on when insecurities are served for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Things To Remember:

  1. Do not go checking someone’s profile or look at someone’s photo when you know you’ll end up regretting it. (wag kang pacheck check kung mapapangitan ka sa sarili mo after mo makita ang “after” photo from the make-up artist)
  2. People do not post unflattering photos of them most of the time. (so anong problema mo diba? Alam naman natin pare-pareho na kung ano ang maganda, yun ang ipopost)
  3. Stop eating insecurities any time of the day. It will not do you any good. (ang daming food choices for breakfast like self-love, acceptance, care and understanding, bakit insecurities ang napili mo today?)
  4. We are all created different and equal. Stop looking at Brenda’s and Susan’s. At the end of the day, everyone is beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I mean everyone feels the same thing and they just don’t say it. (quits lang gurl)
  5. The surface do not matter as much as what’s on the inside. Your soul should always be the more beautiful one than your face.