Throwback Thursday: Angst-y Teen Part 1

I wrote a bunch of lyrics from songs as a snippet of my angst-y teenage years but it may have been too much to bear for readers so I’ll probably just break it down and write entries about it from time to time.

I was looking back at my younger self. I was 13 to 18 years old, 100 pounds emo and angst-y and angry at the world. I don’t growl at people but I just really wallow on every single emotion I have HAHAHA. It’s so cringe-worthy to even write about it because some might say I’m still as emo as I was but guys, my “emo” in the emo phase is not a joke. As in swear na sobrang emo ng emo ko HAHAHA.

I’ll share with you 5 snippets of song lyrics that help me get by in all those years hahahahah.


“I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match, what a catch, what a catch. And all I could think of is the way I’m the one who charmed the one who gave up on you” –What A Catch, Donnie, Fall Out Boy

“Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there’s just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one.” – Only One, Yellowcard

“I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were begging me not tonight, not here, not now. We’re looking up at the same night sky and keep pretending the sun will not rise. We’ll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow. If I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever” – Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard

“Chase the moment for forever. Defense is paper thin just one touch and I’d be in too deep now to ever swim against the current , so let me slip away” – Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

“Please don’t walk away, please tell me you’ll stay, use me as you will, pull my strings just for a drill. And I know I’ll be okay though my skies are turning grey – Your Guardian Angel, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus


I have a lot of other song lyrics to post next time. What are the music you listen to when you were a teenager?

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The Grieving Never Ends

They say that grieving is nothing like anger. It’s a loneliness that stays and lives within that never goes away. Once we dealt with loss, we only get used to the pain this separation brought but we never really get over something like this.


Totoo naman talaga diba? Hindi kagaya ng takot, galit at poot. Dahil ang mga ito, nagsasubside, nawawala pag tagal tagal ng panahon. Matututo kang hulmahin ang puso mo na mawalan ito ng galit o takot sa mga tao at pangyayari pero ang kawalan ng minamahal sa buhay—ang pagkamatay, hindi. Hindi ito nawawala. Parang natututo lang tayong mabuhay na mayroong nakatagong sakit sa puso natin na hindi mawala wala.

Nagiging okay lang tayo kasi namumuhay nalang sa kaloob looban, kalalalim laliman n gating damdamin yung sakit pero hindi naman siya nawawala diba. Minsan sana nga kagaya nalang ng galit itong pagdadalamhati eh. Para sure na nawawala.

Relasyon Chronicles

Kagaya ng lahat ng relasyon, hindi perpekto ang sakin, ang sa amin. Hindi naman kasi talaga laging masaya, laging nakakatuwa, laging walang tensyon. Hindi ganoon.

May paminsan minsang pagsundot ng mga nakakainis na scenario. Mga nakakabwisit na quirks at mga nakakapunyetang problema na gusto mo nang malusutan pero stuck kayong dalawa.

Lagi din naman nagiging maayos, laging nagiging okay pagkatapos.

Magkasama kami sa bahay. Nagki-cringe ako sa term na “live in” kasi bukod sa wrong grammar ito dahil siguro shortened term ng “living in one house together” hindi magandang pakinggan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kaya mas gusto ko nalang yung term na magkasama sa bahay hahaha.

Iba ang buhay ng magjowang magkasama sa bahay kaysa sa hindi. Para kayong nagbabahay bahayan na hindi. Para kayong unofficial na mag-asawa at bilang next level na ang relasyon niyo at hindi lang simpleng magbf-gf in a conservative country—iba din yung mga tinatalakay na issue at problema.

Nitong nakaraan may hindi kami pagkakaunawaan. Masyadong mataas ang levels ng aking emotions at hindi ko makontrol ang nararamdaman ko. Masyado akong mabilis maiyak at mainis. Hindi nakakatulong. Sa panahon na ito, kagaya ng mga nakalipas—siya ang laging kalmado lang. Maunawain sa tantrums ko at iniintindi ang mga bagay na hindi madaling intindihin tungkol sakin lalo na kapag nilalamon na ng emosyon.

Sa simpleng problemang ito, may kaunting pagsagi sa utak ko ng “baka kailangan ko nalang ng ibang tao”. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Simpleng simple lang yung problema namin, hindi 3rd party, hindi tungkol sa pamilya. Napakasimple kaya hindi ko malaman kung bakit kailangan ko pa yun maisip.

Pero sandali lang bago ko narealize na hindi ko kailangan humanap ng iba. Hindi solusyon ang hiwalayan o kung ano pa. lalo na kung simple lang naman ang problema na pinapalaki ko lang pala.

Hindi ko sinabi sakanya yung sumagi sa isip ko, never akong nag-threat ng hiwalayan kasi alam ko at the end of the day, lagi naman din kaming nagiging okay.

Kasi kahit habang masungit ako makipag-usap sakanya, maririnig mo agad agad ang mga salitang pasensya na na sinsero at walang halong sarkasmo. Maagap siya, mabilis siya humingi ng pasensya lalo’t alam niyang may pagkakamali siya.

Hindi ko kailangang maghalungkat ng mga nakakainis niyang ginawa upang maipunto ko lang yung mga kamalian niya o areas of improvement.

Habang sinusungitan ko siya, ang sagot niya sa akin ay “Pasensya na. alam kong nagkulang ako sa parting iyon. Babawi ako.”

Hindi pa ako kalmado kahit narinig ko ang mga iyan. Sabi ko lang sakanya “sige na sige na, maghanap ka na ng panonoorin natin”. Dali dali naman siyang pumunta sa computer niya at nagtagal siguro ng 30 minutes bago makahanap ng panonoorin sabay sabi “okay ba sayo tong horror?” tapos pinalapit ko siya at niyakap. Nahimasmasan na kasi ako. Hindi na ako parang tigreng aatakihin sya.

Hayyyyyy

 Iba lang kasi talaga ang mga pinagaawayan ng mga magkakarelasyon na magkasama sa bahay. Simple pero mas nakakainis kumpara sa hindi. Hindi ko masabi dito kasi masyadong personal hahaha. Inexplain ko lang kasi nabanggit ko yung tungkol sa magkasama sa bahay eh hahah. Pero siguro ganoon talaga. May mga pagsubok na napaka petty pero doon mo makikita ang karakter ng taong karelasyon mo. Kahit ang gulo gulo mo na kausap, mahinahon pa rin siya at kalmado lang.

Wala lang, nakwento ko lang.

Life and Death

Saturday morning reflections

I know this. I know this is PMS because I am extremely emotional over every single thing since yesterday. Every story I read through Facebook posts, every tweet I see that’s filled with joy and love makes me tear up, and today, I am doing the same. I am tearing up mostly over anything I see and read.

I came across a Facebook post that has been shared so many times. It was a long read and more often than not, I just would scroll down and like whatever interests me. This time, I read the whole thing and in a snap, I felt bittersweet feelings—a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and sadness all bundled up together for me to cry over. It’s a story of a dying person, a woman in her mid-40s, fighting stage 4 breast cancer, holding on for dear life. She almost died and everyone was praying for her peaceful passing but somehow, a miracle happened and she was brought back to life again after moments of almost dying.

And so, I realized again, that we are mortals. It is impossible not to die. Death is inevitable.

It’s just really so painful that though we know that we are mere mortals, death of a loved one is just so fucking hard to accept. It’s like you know it will happen but when it does, you are never prepared for it.

It also made me think about life. My life. How I have made it through the twists and turns and how am I still alive and enjoying the bliss of being alive.

I guess what I am getting at is that we focus so much on things that we fail to see what truly matters. We shun the idea of death or how short life is because we are too busy looking at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. We focus on all these negative energies like how to make things right, how to be okay when people do not like us, how to be civil with people who hurt us so much, how to earn forgiveness and how to forgive those that wronged us when in fact, life is so much more bigger than all these things.

I’m not saying that these things and emotions we have do not matter, it’s just that there are far more better things in life we should focus on because indeed, life is short.


I keep hearing in church that in our time of death, in our death beds, we wouldn’t be thinking of all the riches we acquired, all the honors we received in our time, the cars we bought, the good things we have, the food we eat at extravagant occasions—we wouldn’t even be thinking of all those that hurt us because in our last minutes, we would think of all the goodness in which we lived a wonderful life. How we valued our family and people we love. We wouldn’t even be thinking whether the people who hate us before learned to love us or accepted us. No. That wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the last thing in our minds.

So I guess, this is me letting go of all the things that hold me back. This is me moving on from the stress I put myself into just because I want and seek forgiveness, love and validation. This should be the end of it all because I know for sure, when I die, I wouldn’t be thinking about all of those things. The things that broke me and made me so lonely for a period of time.

Let’s all focus on the good things, good memories we have and we will have in our sweet short time on earth.

Changing and Changing

And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde!  Whoohoo!!

So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).

Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.

Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.

It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…

It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:

  • Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
  • Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
  • Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
  • Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!

This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!

With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.

This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.

And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.

There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!

8 Things I have Moved On From

I was listening to the latest episode of the Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcast and there’s a part where they talked about the things they have moved on from hence the topic I would be writing about today so credits to Jim and Saab for giving me something to write about hahaha.


Seated inside a cramped vehicle, I commuted to work today. It was not a bad commute because the traffic is moderately heavy. I sat there earphones still plugged even if there’s nothing to listen to anymore.I looked out the window trying to evaluate my life again and again. It has become a habit—re-evaluating my life while stuck in traffic. Wow. I think I have come a long way since my tragedy in 2016 and though there were still rough days that makes me think about it over again and cry a little at night, I feel like I’m stronger now. I have changed so much! My way of life, my thinking, my happiness and how I love myself! It’s all so different from the cringe worthy person that I was back then. And so, I bring you, the 8 things I have moved on from!

  1. Toxic Attitude – At one point, I have become this toxic ball of a person. Always magnifying the negativity and shadowing the bright side. I always would be so paranoid at how people perceive me, I get jealous often times, I don’t smile often, I don’t appreciate the good things. Now, I have gotten rid of that. I’ve veered away from that toxic attitude!
  2. Toxic People – oh but of course, there are also toxic people around and I’d always want to still deal with them but after what happened to me, I figured it was time for me to move forward and change paths. I do not need toxicity in my life and though my doors are not closed, I wouldn’t go out and run towards people like this. If they have changed, then they can enter my door again but if not, it’s fine. I’m fine.
  3. Ridiculously Pathetic Thinking – this is too general but at the top of my head it means I am done with negative thinking and overthinking. I am still on the process of relaxing and not getting stress get the best of my mental health but at least I’m done. I don’t tolerate shit I give to myself anymore. I try to see things as it is and not overthink.
  4. Treating Myself So Shitty – I used to tolerate shit I and other people give to me. I always think I deserve whatever bad thing a certain bad situation gave me. It’s pathetic because it goes to show how I don’t love myself as much as one should!
  5. Spending Time with The Wrong People – I value time so much and since I value myself a lot more than I was doing back then, I decided to stop spending time with the wrong people. I choose when to engage myself, I choose what events I would go to, I choose which movies to watch, I choose the company I know I would enjoy myself with. I am done with FOMO. Back then, I used to just go even if I don’t even want to be there in the first place, even if I am not enjoying myself. Now, I make sure that I really like the people I spend time with.
  6. Living My Life For Others – I used to really like living in a way others would tell me they like my life. I want people to tell me that they admire my lifestyle, what I want, my hobbies, my quirks and then suddenly, I started to do things so that others would continue to like me for it. It’s so toxic and I wasn’t at all happy about it. So I changed my ways and started living for myself, for what I really want and didn’t care whether other people would tell me they didn’t like me or they didn’t like what I am doing or they didn’t like my clothes et cetera.
  7. Caring Way Too Much – in line with the 6th one, I used to care a lot what other people think of me. I value their opinions so much even if it hurts me or even if it becoming so toxic. It’s as if I was walking on egg shells all day every day because I don’t want people to think badly of me. It’s just crazy that I care too much about what others would say that I forgot my own well-being!
  8. Dwelling On The Haters – I think I’ve got a few bunch of people who dislike me or even hate my existence. I would obsess about it and if I knew that you don’t like me, I would keep on impressing you or trying hard to be friends with you just so you would stop disliking me. HOW PATHETIC WAS THAT?! Now, I learned that if someone do not like me, I should start shaking it all off. I mean it’s not easy, especially that I was a people pleaser for a long time (not anymore ah! Before lang) It’s so stupid diba. Hahaha. I stopped obsessing and dwelling on these people. If you don’t like me, then it’s okay!

It’s a long read but I hope you made it all the way down here. I feel like it’s very important that I share these things to you guys, I owe you this much. And though I don’t dwell on the haters anymore, I still feel sick to my stomach and sometimes, my heart breaks a little because all I ever wanted is to live in a happy space with happy people not snarking at me or something. So let’s end this with:

But I keep cruisin’, won’t stop can’t stop grooving. It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate and the players gonna play play play play play baby I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake, shake it off, shake it off!

 

I am not a Taylor Swift fan but this song just resonates what I need to do with my life especially when dealing with people who don’t like me. How about you guys? What are the things you moved on from and how did you do it?

Mercury Retrograde Hitting Us Hard + What a Saturday/Sunday!

Okay, let me start off by saying that I cannot wait until Mercury finishes its retrograde. I can’t emphasize enough how stressful it has fucking been!!

Saturday – I was supposed to be at home but I had to work on a few articles in the office so I had to go to work. It’s not at all that bad, my day went like a breeze and it’s alright. Fast forward to going home.

Went home, had a handful of cashews for merienda and waited for my mom. We just had a quick chitchat and Kyx and I agreed on going with our friends to a gig in Paranaque.

As I was changing my clothes and getting ready for it, I realized that most of my good stuff were at my mom’s house and I have nothing but office clothes at Kyx’s house. He suddenly blurted out “magpapayat ka na kasi para hindi ka mahirap bihisan”. Right then and there it only took 5 seconds for me to go ape shit on him. I was so wild I had to find it in me to control myself. It was so hard because I want to rip him apart! As in gagoooo ka baaaa???? Are you fucking body shaming me???? As in I want to strangle him so bad, I want to turn into a hyena and just wag him off from my mouth like fucking crazy. I was so mad.

(just a disclaimer: I have been on a diet for so long but losing weight is just so hard. If only I have all the time in the world, I’d go boxing 24/7 but I have 6 days of work in a week, traffic is so bad in Metro Manila, healthy food is super expensive, so tell me? Would it be easy to fucking work out after a stressful day at the office + 2 hours travel time? Not to mention boxing is also expensive! I do workouts at home and even Yoga but it won’t help me lose a ton of weight in a flash okay? Okay fuck you okay? Ahah)

We were arguing for a good 2 hours or so and we had to cancel with our friends because I was crying so hard and Kyx was also angry at himself and in the whole situation.

(As in ang lala. Nagaaway kami because I was so fucking hurt with his stupid comment. Like????) and it escalated pa because he retorted that he wants to be proud of me daw and I went ape shit again kasi ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME YET? Hahahah as in tangina, I am doing the best I can and I’m losing weight because I want to, not because people want to look at me and say I’m pretty and hot and sexy??? So???

As in hindi natatapos. I don’t know how it happened but Kyx apologized and I cried some more. He explained himself and told me he wasn’t body shaming me (eh ano lang?!?!?!?!) and said na maybe his words weren’t right or maybe he could have said it better and after 2 hours, we’re ready to go.

Of course we didn’t make it to the gig and so we just hung out at a restobar in the streets of Makati. Chill place, awesome friends to hangout with, overall good shit. We even played beer pong. Airah and Digs came too. It was a fun night until that home along da riles experience.

After drinking, around 2 in the morning, we decided to eat at SEX (Sinangag Express located in Makati), we all had a few drinks, we decided to Waze our way to SEX. Fucking Waze led us to the PNR riles and it went downhill from there.

We were panicking so hard but Kyx managed to find the road back, reached SEX and we’re good.

UNTIL we saw that our tire was slashed!!!!

Kyx thinks it was slashed by bolts or the train thing from the railway. Naloka ako. The tire is so fucking flat. As in.

Kyx had to change the tire and it was a fucking funny experience. Good thing Kyx knows everything he needs to know with basic car stuff like this. Hayyyyy. We were almost fucking doomed! Hahahaha (akalain niyo sa payat niyang yun he managed to change his tires! haha okay, stop with the body shaming thing)

Our friends were there and they helped us, laugh with and at us. Kakaloka!

We got home at around 5 in the morning and overall, it was a fun Saturday/Sunday. It’s just a crazy weekend. But I can’t say I hated the experience, I somehow learned a lot from everything that happened and I loved how the day turned out. (Kahit we will shell out 20k because Kyx wanted a new set of tires na HAHAHA)

I guess the good thing was that even though the situation is so stressful, no one was in a bad mood. As in everyone was laughing like crazy and trying to get out of this bad tire situation–even Kyx was laughing his ass off! God’s grace saved us that day. ❤