Believing in The Power of Prayer

 

 

Every time I try to write about my religious beliefs, I find myself giving you a disclaimer which seriously needs to stop. But here I go again.

I am not like a hard core Catholic girl. I’m just a strong believer and I respect all religions so don’t think this is something about preaching and convincing people to believe in what I believe in. This is a mere projection of what I have experienced and it is something I want to share.

Before I went to sleep last night, I opened the bible and cut through a random page while my eyes were closed. I pointed my finger to the middle left part of the page hoping to see something that will tap and cut deep to my soul. I slowly opened my eyes with excitement and read where my finger was pointed and it says “If you have faith, it will happen. If you believe, you will get anything you ask for in prayers” –Matthew 21:22

There you have it folks. I slept with a smile on my face ready to welcome the coming days with faithfulness. I think it ends there but it didn’t.

At the office, I randomly shared this experience of mine to my friend, Anne. I told her about the verse and she opened her wallet and took a small laminated thing that bears the bible verse I was talking about. She told me that she’ll be giving me her copy because maybe, this verse is really for me,

After what I have gone through for the past months, I can only say that prayers have helped me get through all the crap (aside from family, remaining friends and you guys my readers) prayers have given me so much strength. No I didn’t feel all mighty and powerful after every prayer I said but somehow, it lightens the burden that I have been carrying over the course of time.

Every day, the moment I wake up, I’d say a prayer of thanks that I have been given another chance to improve myself. Another chance to repent and another chance to give my love to the people who have always been by my side. I’d ask for strength and courage to face the day and in most days that I feel restless, I ask that the Lord would give me physical and mental strength to get through the day.

Every night before I sleep, I’d say a prayer telling Him how my day went. Asking for forgiveness when I did a shitty thing. I also ask for healing to those whom I have hurt and for myself as well. I ask that I be given more days to live (even though I have been obsessed with my own death and suicidal thoughts), I ask that my parents, family and loved ones have a longer life so I could make them feel more of how much I love them. I tell the Lord that if I do not wake up, I hope that He embrace my loved ones and tell them that I am at peace.

These are the usual prayers and even though they are simple and ordinary, I believe that God hears my prayers. I believe in the power of prayers, in good times and in bad.

“Kaibigan”

Yung feeling na kung kailan bente-sais anyos na ako, tsaka ko lang nalaman na kahit gaano mo na katagal na kilala, gaano karami ang pinagsamahan niyo ng isang tao, hindi ito sapat na basehan para matawag mo siyang kaibigan.
Translation:

That feeling when it took me 26 years to realize that knowing someone for a long time and going through hell and back together is not enough basis to call them your friend.

Trip Down Memory Lane. For Better or Worse?

If you have been reading my blog for a long time or maybe from April onwards, you would know exactly what transpired over the course of what, 2 months? Yeah.

Some days I feel better, some days I still cry. Some days I think about everything, every moment I spent with these people for more than 10 years, for more than half of my life?! It breaks me, it tears my soul apart, my heart cries as my tears well up.

I always catch myself having a trip down memory lane. A little thing would trigger it and then I head back right where it all started, I recount the fun times, those times when they all have my back, the times when I was there and all that. I spiral down on those times and end up feeling a lump in my throat, my stomach clenches and my heart in my mouth. It’s as if I can’t breathe and I just watch from afar the good old days that have come and past and now, nowhere to be found. It sucks. But how could I say I improved after all these? After all the trips I took down memory lane? Did I become better or worse? Was the feeling still SO BAD? No.

I don’t ask “why?” anymore. The familiar ache, painful stabs in my heart are present but the questioning is not there anymore. No matter how many times I tried to explain myself, no one will listen when they have already came up with the judgment and conclusion for themselves. Before anything else, let me just say that though I still get lost and confused, I strongly feel that every party has done grave mistakes and I can only hope that everyone will realize it sooner or later.

Anyway, yes, I don’t ask the “why?” anymore because despite that I am almost done being angry, I feel a little more grateful that it all transpired.

Had it not happened, I won’t probably be changing my ways! I looked at myself and man was I actually nothing different from terrible. I watch myself crumble every night but I continue to realize that this happened so that I can become a better person. I deserved a better life.

If this didn’t happen, I would probably be in a very toxic environment. I would even be very toxic than ever and it kills me just thinking about it.

This is an amazing learning experience for everyone and as surprising as ever, I feel grateful and blessed to have faced that crazy roller coaster ride. Refreshing, renewing and very much rewarding.

 

(image from google)

Unchained Train of Random Thoughts not to be Stitched Together on Purpose

 

Disclaimer: I have written snippets and bits of what my heart tells me and take the title for it.

It is such a bad idea to replay over and over again in my head every single detail, every crushing statement, every belittling and every soul-eating phrase they told me. But I guess it only made me much more ‘okay’ than I have ever been. Not totally over it, but I’m getting there.

I have written numerous letters and whatnot that I have never given out to these people. Basically pouring my feelings out, noting every crucial emotion I once had from more or less 10 years ago until about the last 4 months of 2017.

There were so many fun things, memorable moments and amazing life experiences I have shared with these people and before, when everything crumbled down, I thought “did it all go down the drain? Just like that?!?” then I found my answer—no. It didn’t go down the drain. Everything is a lesson learned (the hard way) everything is an opportunity for growth, may it be good or bad.

There are a lot of truths and lies in the small world I lived in for the most part. There were definitely details worth remembering, there were some that are better left to be forgotten. However, both the good and bad snippets are to be remembered, no matter how hard it is for me.

For the past 10-15 years, I have made my world smaller and smaller. Rotating around those whom I chose to be with. I thought it was better and I thought it’s all good. Little did I know that I was moving towards crisis, catastrophe and self-destruction. It was only made worst by the exact thing that happened to me but I figured it was also for the best.

I can’t say that these people were worthless pieces of shits because at one point, I have admired and loved them. I lamented on their loss, their absence. I couldn’t fill the void for a long time and I cried every single time I had the chance. I don’t say much but I still cry about it. I have invested so much but it was destroyed in a whim and that says a lot about friendship and relationship and life!

For a long time I questioned everything they did, everything that was said to me, every action, everything! But the saddest thing was when I started to I question my worth. Why did it have to happen to me? Am I not worthy of goodness, love and friendship? A simple thing that was blown out of proportion has cost me so much and what happened to them? They were all too happy to have kicked me out. No one tried to reach out to me and helped me make amends. Or maybe this is all just too broken to be fixed? Nonetheless, I keep questioning myself and my worth but it got me nowhere near happiness. It dragged me to a hellhole I didn’t intend to visit.

Next thing I knew, I was tallying all the moments I was a good friend to them. I was putting into account all the moments wherein I spent my own bit of personal time just to listen to their woes. I was quantifying everything I did that no one else did for them but what good did it do me? It just made me succumb to anger, grief and loneliness. Then it hit me. I was right! I once was a good friend, great even. Best!

All these time I thought I was doing a lot of people a favour but it blew out of my face. That’s the craziest thing of it all. My intentions were not what they thought and it all lead to me—being the bad guy. But what’s done is done.

Overall, my emotions are all over the place. I keep getting angry but I keep realizing the lessons I have learned and I should really thank them for this. I have been put through so much it was draining but it is an inevitable lesson I should learn—planned by the universe itself! I lost all the investments. Emotionally, mentally, physically, money-wise, relationship-wise. EVERY SINGLE THING. Or that’s how I felt for a time but it all changed after realizing that there are many things I should be grateful for. Especially my family. All the friends I still have. All the career opportunity I have missed because I was too worried to not be with them. I have all the time I can get– to be spent on more amazing things than cry and that’s a good realization I could take by heart.

There are more to this life than the boxed version I once had. There’s more to this life than what I thought I had.

There’s more and I just have to take one step at a time to get closer to my goal.

I have lost so much but I gained tenfold. If they think I am a worthless piece of shit, I trust that they will realize somehow that I’ve been a friend as well when no one else was there for them.

It’s Not Always About You

What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?

There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.

Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.

  1. When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
  2. We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
  3. Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
  4. We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
  5. We are too petty.

Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?

If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.

Real Talk, Pep Talk

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend and bring you down. This is an encouragement in a different light.

I want to encourage people to be as strong as they can. To look at the bright side of things, to appreciate what they have instead of feeling bad for things they can’t have at that particular time.

There are a lot of clichés in this world and to tell you honestly, these clichés may not mean a thing to you but as awful as it is, clichés are true.

Whenever you feel bad about something, when you get bothered or stressed out, when you are hurt by things, events or people who may or may not be close to your heart—you can only cry so much. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel bad but it’s not okay to feel bad for a long time. You have to make sure that you shrug it off your shoulders as soon as you can and this isn’t because you want to prove the world that you are strong and brave. You have to do it because in this world of cruelty, you have to see the greatness. The light. The amazing things. You have to be okay sooner than you think you should because life is short to sulk, too short to hate, too short to cry, too short to be angry!

We don’t have the luxury to live as if we can live forever. Life ends and we know it. We should always treasure life in a sense that we choose to see great things instead of the bad ones. We need to choose happiness instead of loneliness and we need to stay positive.

You see, the problem with people these days is that they feel like they’re so privileged and entitled to a lot of things. Like we think we deserve a lot of good things and cry when bad things happen. We fail to realize that most of the time; it isn’t about our feelings and ourselves. There are greater things in this world and when things do not happen as planned, when you get hurt, when you stay nice but receive rudeness, its’ the universe’s way of reminding you that you are not entitled. No one ever is.

You are not entitled to anything no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how nice you’ve been. The world will keep its pace and spin, the sun will continue to rise and set, night will come as days would and life goes fucking on no matter how badly you feel.

The universe can fck itself and the world will not crumble when you crumble. It doesn’t fucking care about how you feel. Life is like that, you don’t get to have the luxury of feeling so helpless because the only one that will suffer from repercussions of “being so helpless” is you and you alone.

Instead of wallowing on your pain, disappointments and frustrations, you have to stay strong. You have to accept that things happen as it happens and there’s so little you can do to turn it around. Instead, welcome these bad things and stay okay. Every shit that happens to you, could happen to anyone else. It’s not like you are cursed or something.

Get by, move on, move forward, let it go cause life goes on.

Hi Mom!

As I grow older, it becomes more and more real how my mom is my best friend. I used to say she’s my best friend because I know she’s always there for me, she helps me with a lot of things, cooks for me and does a lot of mom-dad stuff for me. Now, I realized how much of an actual best friend she has been!

  1. Just like how a TRUE friend should be, my mom never judges me. My appearance, decisions and choices. She encourages me to build my identity, to grow and learn from my mistakes and has always been with me through everything without judgment!
  2. She makes sure that I am happy and contented with everything. If it seems like I am not, she will point out the things I overlooked and makes sure I am grateful enough no matter how small a thing is.
  3. My mom doesn’t find it awkward to talk to me about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. How cringe-worthy? MAYBE CRAZY CRINGE-WORTHY but I’m glad we talk about everything. From bad attitudes, insights, realizations, reflections to love, sex and BIRTH CONTROL. Man oh man. BIRTH CONTROL. I can’t. HAHAHA.
  4. She cheers me on and makes sure I have a ray of sunshine no matter how gloomy a day can be.
  5. She loves me so much that she shows it every day. We may or may not see each other every day but sure enough, she shows me that I am loved by her.

The world can suck and fck itself but it doesn’t matter cause I am truly blessed I have my mom. I can’t thank the Lord enough how perfect it is that my mama is my mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!

Life Is Short To Spend It On Hating

Life is too short, too precious and valuable to spend it on things that do not matter. Hating takes so much of your energy and seeps the love out of you which makes your remaining time on earth a little less amazing than it should.

Life is short to spend in on hating. Spend your life wisely. Don’t let hate eat you. ~

What If The Dead Can’t Hear You?

Why do we always wait for someone to die before we quietly cry as we pour our hearts out while they lie in their coffin? Why do we wait for them to die before we replay all the good memories? Why wait for them to die before we visit them?

Why do we always just look at the dead and wish they could hear the words we wanna say?

Why? What if the dead can’t hear us anymore?

Forguve while you can, speak to people when you can, look them in the eye genuinely and tell them everything you wish to say because if they die, you’re not even sure that they could hear you. Life is short. Remember that. ~

What Helped Me Might Help You Too

One way or another, what helped me could help someone else and though I have not fully recovered yet I know for a fact that I’m on the right track. I just keep on reminding myself what needs to be done, how to do it and how I can be a better person at the end of the day.

If you have not been reading my blog entries since day one, allow me to give you a little background about myself, mainly my mental health. I have a suicidal tendency and it started when I was roughly 15 or 16 even though my obsessive suicidal thought occurred even when I was younger. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and OCD. It wasn’t that big of a deal for me growing up but I understood myself better when I was told I have Anxiety and OCD. Not to mention how much of an INFJ I am so in short, putting me on a spectacle of social drama and problems could only mean that I want to literally die and leave the earth. But that’s not what I did because of your help.

Here are what helped me and I hope it helps you too.

  • The support of my family especially my mom. On top of a everything, from the moment you were born until your last breath, even until the world falls apart, family stays the same. No matter how many arguments you’ve had in the past, no matter how hard it was to accept your differences, family is family. They are the “forever” people in your life. They are the ones who wouldn’t judge you and will try to understand you even if that’s the last thing you deserve. Family is your support system.
  • There are a lot of other people or a few close friends whom you can trust. Don’t take these people for granted. Always be grateful that you have someone to lean on other than family in tough times like this one.
  • Do not dwell on the negativity. Do not over indulge on the loneliness you’re feeling. Instead, acknowledge it and walk past it while taking some points for learning.
  • Put your energy on the things you love to do. Like write, read, paint etc. It’s a good stress reliever!
  • I did a lot of Yoga during the time that I was so torn apart. It helped me emotionally, mentally and physically. You can also do a lot of exercise or workouts that match your liking. Physical activities help you release endorphin and that’s a huge part of feeling better!
  • See the good in every bad situation, places, people. There’s always a sunny side and you just have to look carefully sometimes.
  • Focus on the things that matter. Like your work or spending time with people who love you. There’s just so many things you can do besides crying or feeling bad about yourself.

However, this is what helped me and it could be a totally different thing for you. I just feel like it could probably help you a little. :]