Same Story, Different Perspective Part 2

The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.

Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha

Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this.

I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)

Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.

Oh well, all is good now.

I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.

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Same Story, Different Perspective PART 1

I wrote a really long blog entry last night but I couldn’t find it anywhere in my laptop and I wanted to cry but whatever. Leche.

Intentions

It feels a lot easier to tell the story now that I have finally moved on. It’s like I am telling the story from a different perspective!

One of the favourite things I have learned and focused on from the emotional mess I have endured in the past were “intentions”.


It was the day after my 26th birthday. I was in a really happy mood especially that my best friend Gee and I agreed to have dinner at Eastwood after months of not seeing each other. I arrived at Mcdonald’s—our meeting place around 20 minutes earlier. While I wait for Gee, I ordered fries and Coke.

While waiting, an earthquake happened. I thought I was just dizzy but I saw how the tables and chairs swayed, people looked at each other with a bit of panic in their eyes. I stared down at my Coke and saw that though it wasn’t splashing, the black liquid is definitely moving. I held on to it knowing full well that it might spill if the earthquake decides to be more extra. After a good minute or 2, I messaged my friends. I was worried that something might have happened, I want to make sure they were fine. They said that they felt it too and that they’re okay.

Gee arrived and we headed to Bigoli’s. It used to be Fazoli’s, our ultimate fave back then. After eating, Gee had to run quick at the Globe center , something to do with her postpaid line I guess. So while waiting, I checked my phone. There was a message from K in the Group chat. She sent photos of wrecked buildings caused by the earthquake and then said “sana may nabagsakan nalang niyan eh” (translation: “I wish someone got hit by those”—pertaining to the building wreck) I knew instantly something was wrong. Then she suddenly sent a new message containing screenshots of old conversations as proof of my snide comments. My comments were not bad but it was bad enough to be exposed like that. I was trying to pacify the situation, admitting to what I said and apologizing if someone have found it offensive when being offensive wasn’t my intention. Maybe it was blunt and insensitive but what I said was true and it wasn’t meant to be mean! But somehow, my words were twisted and I was frustrated to further explain myself especially when no one was listening. By the time that everyone was just going crazy, I said my piece again that they were taking what I said the wrong way and still no one cares, I left the group chat.

I was hyperventilating. My world was spinning and I can’t even continue eating my chicken which of course had gone cold already. I can’t even drink. I was in shock!

I waited for Gee and told her what had happened, after dinner I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom. I told her everything that happened and I was ugly crying and I think I messaged Kyx too so he drove to my mom’s house and comforted me as well. They were also in shock that something like that had to happen, it was really petty! I was crying so much that my mom wanted to intervene. She wanted to call someone, the barangay, the cops, whatever. But I told her I need to do this on my own.

My mom’s eyes were super wide and she has this look of hurt in her face. She looked strong and at the same time helpless. She lit her Marlboro lights and puffed it while telling me how I should speak up for myself and don’t let these people talk to me in a very degrading way. (did I mention I was called a bitch, two faced friend et cetera haha)

I think I calmed down eventually but still in shock and I wasn’t able to sleep well that night. I was crying sooooo hard every minute it flashes back in my mind.

I never got to talk to these people after I left the group chat. At least not immediately.

Top 5 Things 2018 Taught Me

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year.  It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

  1. No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
  2. Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
  3. I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
  4. I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
  5. LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.

I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤

Kwentuhan Tayo

This blog entry will be written in Filipino. I shall write something about this in English very soon.


Ayun na nga mga bakla ang tagal kong hinintay tong pagkakataon na ‘to talaga. Well actually nasusulat ko naman na before na sobrang saya ko na kasi kumbaga nakamove on na ako, masaya na ako tapos hindi na ako galit. Pinagdaanan ko yung stages of grief sa buong 2 years and sa middle ng 2018, dun ko siguro napush yung mapunta ako sa Acceptance stage. After non, nag-focus na ako kung paano ko ba mapapaganda yung buhay ko, kung paano ba ako magiging masaya sa sarili ko na hindi ko na iisipin yung mga malulungkot at masasakit na pinagdaanan ko.

It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

Hindi na bago sainyo ang kwentong yon pero in short, sa isang malaking circle of friends since HS, kasama ang dalawa kong best friends, nagaway away kami. Actually, ako lang yung inaway nila. So yung 2 best friends ko nawala sa akin. Hindi ko iniisip na hindi na kami magkakabati pero nagmove on talaga ako kahit sobrang hirap. Alam niyo yan, lalo na yung matatagal nang kaibigan ko sa blogosphere, alam niyo yung paulit ulit akong magmomove on at paulit ulit din akong hindi bigla makamove on. Diba? Habang naloloka ako, andiyan kayo na naloloka din dahil naloloka ako *kaya sobrang salamat talaga*

Not so long ago, nakapagusap kami nung isang ex bff ko and okay naman, civil pero hindi kami yung kagaya ng dati. Civil lang ganon. And for me, it was enough. Nasasaktan pa rin ako and siguro hindi ako ready din nung time na yon kaya siguro ganon din ang binigay ni God.

Fast forward to November—okay naman ako naaalala ko sila, pero di ako naiiyak. Hindi na rin ako nalulungkot. Parang sakto lang. Tapos narealize ko na siguro sa self nga muna ako magfofocus talaga.

December—biglang nagmessage yung isang ex bff ko. Mabilis yung mga pangyayari eh, biglang one moment nagsabi lang siya na napapanaginipan niya ako the next thing I know nasa labas siya ng bahay namin. Magkape daw kami. Napagusapan naming yung nangyari, nagkapatawaran kami tapos parang walang nangyari.

By the way guys, siya yung hindi umaway sakin na out of the blue. Siya yung nagalit sakin kasi nagkakarambolan na sa group chat tapos nasabi na yung mga sinabi ko tungkol sakanya nung high school kami. (madalas kasi ako magcomment ng mga pambully ganon) tapos nung nalaman niya yun nagalit siya sakin. So siya yung in reality ay may karapatan talagang magalit sakin HAHAH.

It took her 2 years din bago magreach out sakin. Hindi ko inakala talaga na 2 years lang aabutin. Alam ko in my heart na magkakaayos kami pero ang thinking ko is yung kapag may asawa na kami, may mga anak na, as in mga matatanda na talaga. Di ko inakala na 2 years lang.

Explain ko lang din kung gaano ka-deep relationship namin. Yung mama ko at mama niya, mag bestfriends. HAHAH. So simula talaga bata, mag bestfriends din kami. So kilalang kilala ko siya kaya siguro sumama din loob ko kasi hindi ko inexpect na magagalit din siya sakin haha. Pero ayun nga. Nangyari na rin naman and ang galing lang kasi alam ko talaga na magkakabati kami eh. Kahit kaming dalawa lang, or kahit kaming tatlo in God’s perfect time, pero not THIS soon.

Nung nilet go ko lang lahat at hinayaan na si God, ang universe, ang tadaha at oras ang gumawa ng paraan, tsaka naging okay ang lahat.

Speaking terms na ulit kami mga bakla. Hindi ko rin naiisip o nararamdamang mahirap ibalik yung dati kasi alam ko din naman yung pagkakamali ko sakanya. Siguro sa buong circle of friends namin, siya yung talagang iniyakan ko at yung isa. Haha.

Hindi ko na naiisip kung ano man ang shortcomings niya sa mga nangyaring iyon, napatawad ko na din ang sarili ko at napatawad din niya ako sa mga mali kong nagawa o nasabi (kasi sa totoo lang mababawa lang talaga yun. Na-blow out of proportion lang. Wala akong sinabi tungkol sa kanya na damaging or demeaning. Talagang mababaw na nagkandaleche leche lang) kaya siguro madali para samin na ipag-patche patche yung mga pieces na nalamatan.

Tapos this week lang kasi pinapakinig sakin ni Kyx yung “Dati” na cover ng Ben&Ben na originally pinerform ni Sam Concepcion at Tippy Dos Santos. Yung tema talaga ng kanta is about sa past tapos parang childhood friends sila turned to sweethearts. Pero nung narinig ko yun, silang dalawa yung naalala ko. Eto kasi yung lyrics/lines na relate kaming 3 HAHA

“lagi lagi ka samin dumiderecho pag-uwi” –ganyan kami. Magkakapitbahay kasi kaming 3.

“umaawit ng theme song na sabay kinabisa, o kay sarap namang mabalikan ang alaala” –lagi kami nagmememorize nung mga kanta. May hit songs songbook pa kami lagi.

Tapos susundutan mo ng

“Sana mabalik ang dati nating pagsasama” at “Ngunit marami ngayo’y malayo ka, malabong mangyari. Ang aking pagtingin, ibulong nalang sa hangin, pangarap nalang din na gaya pa rin ng dati”

Hindi ko maiwasan na sila yung maalala ko nung narinig ko yan. (Pakinggan niyo ah, ang ganda. Nanalo yan sa PhilPop 2013.)

Masaya ako na una sa lahat, nagkaintindihan kami at nagkapatawaran sa mga mali namin pareho. Pangalawa, bumalik na yung dating kami. Kahit kaming dalawa lang.

Ayun lang yung kwento ko. Masaya lang ako. Masaya ako na tama kayo ng sinabi sa akin na makakamove on ako, na magiging okay ang lahat.

So pano, inuman na!


**wala pa din yung bwakanangshet na 13th month pay namin HELLO GUYS 5 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS WALA PA DIN? ANYARE??? ANOMPETSA NA???????**

Here’s What is Inside My Head

There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.

I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.

Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.

  1. To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
  2. To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.

Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!

Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.