“Kaibigan”

Yung feeling na kung kailan bente-sais anyos na ako, tsaka ko lang nalaman na kahit gaano mo na katagal na kilala, gaano karami ang pinagsamahan niyo ng isang tao, hindi ito sapat na basehan para matawag mo siyang kaibigan.
Translation:

That feeling when it took me 26 years to realize that knowing someone for a long time and going through hell and back together is not enough basis to call them your friend.

Trip Down Memory Lane. For Better or Worse?

If you have been reading my blog for a long time or maybe from April onwards, you would know exactly what transpired over the course of what, 2 months? Yeah.

Some days I feel better, some days I still cry. Some days I think about everything, every moment I spent with these people for more than 10 years, for more than half of my life?! It breaks me, it tears my soul apart, my heart cries as my tears well up.

I always catch myself having a trip down memory lane. A little thing would trigger it and then I head back right where it all started, I recount the fun times, those times when they all have my back, the times when I was there and all that. I spiral down on those times and end up feeling a lump in my throat, my stomach clenches and my heart in my mouth. It’s as if I can’t breathe and I just watch from afar the good old days that have come and past and now, nowhere to be found. It sucks. But how could I say I improved after all these? After all the trips I took down memory lane? Did I become better or worse? Was the feeling still SO BAD? No.

I don’t ask “why?” anymore. The familiar ache, painful stabs in my heart are present but the questioning is not there anymore. No matter how many times I tried to explain myself, no one will listen when they have already came up with the judgment and conclusion for themselves. Before anything else, let me just say that though I still get lost and confused, I strongly feel that every party has done grave mistakes and I can only hope that everyone will realize it sooner or later.

Anyway, yes, I don’t ask the “why?” anymore because despite that I am almost done being angry, I feel a little more grateful that it all transpired.

Had it not happened, I won’t probably be changing my ways! I looked at myself and man was I actually nothing different from terrible. I watch myself crumble every night but I continue to realize that this happened so that I can become a better person. I deserved a better life.

If this didn’t happen, I would probably be in a very toxic environment. I would even be very toxic than ever and it kills me just thinking about it.

This is an amazing learning experience for everyone and as surprising as ever, I feel grateful and blessed to have faced that crazy roller coaster ride. Refreshing, renewing and very much rewarding.

 

(image from google)

Unchained Train of Random Thoughts not to be Stitched Together on Purpose

 

Disclaimer: I have written snippets and bits of what my heart tells me and take the title for it.

It is such a bad idea to replay over and over again in my head every single detail, every crushing statement, every belittling and every soul-eating phrase they told me. But I guess it only made me much more ‘okay’ than I have ever been. Not totally over it, but I’m getting there.

I have written numerous letters and whatnot that I have never given out to these people. Basically pouring my feelings out, noting every crucial emotion I once had from more or less 10 years ago until about the last 4 months of 2017.

There were so many fun things, memorable moments and amazing life experiences I have shared with these people and before, when everything crumbled down, I thought “did it all go down the drain? Just like that?!?” then I found my answer—no. It didn’t go down the drain. Everything is a lesson learned (the hard way) everything is an opportunity for growth, may it be good or bad.

There are a lot of truths and lies in the small world I lived in for the most part. There were definitely details worth remembering, there were some that are better left to be forgotten. However, both the good and bad snippets are to be remembered, no matter how hard it is for me.

For the past 10-15 years, I have made my world smaller and smaller. Rotating around those whom I chose to be with. I thought it was better and I thought it’s all good. Little did I know that I was moving towards crisis, catastrophe and self-destruction. It was only made worst by the exact thing that happened to me but I figured it was also for the best.

I can’t say that these people were worthless pieces of shits because at one point, I have admired and loved them. I lamented on their loss, their absence. I couldn’t fill the void for a long time and I cried every single time I had the chance. I don’t say much but I still cry about it. I have invested so much but it was destroyed in a whim and that says a lot about friendship and relationship and life!

For a long time I questioned everything they did, everything that was said to me, every action, everything! But the saddest thing was when I started to I question my worth. Why did it have to happen to me? Am I not worthy of goodness, love and friendship? A simple thing that was blown out of proportion has cost me so much and what happened to them? They were all too happy to have kicked me out. No one tried to reach out to me and helped me make amends. Or maybe this is all just too broken to be fixed? Nonetheless, I keep questioning myself and my worth but it got me nowhere near happiness. It dragged me to a hellhole I didn’t intend to visit.

Next thing I knew, I was tallying all the moments I was a good friend to them. I was putting into account all the moments wherein I spent my own bit of personal time just to listen to their woes. I was quantifying everything I did that no one else did for them but what good did it do me? It just made me succumb to anger, grief and loneliness. Then it hit me. I was right! I once was a good friend, great even. Best!

All these time I thought I was doing a lot of people a favour but it blew out of my face. That’s the craziest thing of it all. My intentions were not what they thought and it all lead to me—being the bad guy. But what’s done is done.

Overall, my emotions are all over the place. I keep getting angry but I keep realizing the lessons I have learned and I should really thank them for this. I have been put through so much it was draining but it is an inevitable lesson I should learn—planned by the universe itself! I lost all the investments. Emotionally, mentally, physically, money-wise, relationship-wise. EVERY SINGLE THING. Or that’s how I felt for a time but it all changed after realizing that there are many things I should be grateful for. Especially my family. All the friends I still have. All the career opportunity I have missed because I was too worried to not be with them. I have all the time I can get– to be spent on more amazing things than cry and that’s a good realization I could take by heart.

There are more to this life than the boxed version I once had. There’s more to this life than what I thought I had.

There’s more and I just have to take one step at a time to get closer to my goal.

I have lost so much but I gained tenfold. If they think I am a worthless piece of shit, I trust that they will realize somehow that I’ve been a friend as well when no one else was there for them.

Continuously Changing

Here’s a sneak peek of how I tried changing my hair. Don’t get too excited because it’s not that short. I still have a bunch of shoulder length hair on the back part. Nonetheless, a change is still a step forward no matter how small it is. 

It’s Not Always About You

What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?

There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.

Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.

  1. When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
  2. We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
  3. Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
  4. We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
  5. We are too petty.

Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?

If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.

Dreams

 

To be honest, I still dream about you and how cruel everything turned out to be. You made me look so bad and you overlooked the goodness I did. You made it seem like in the course of our friendship, I never was a good friend when in fact I did everything I can to be a good friend to you and the others. And that tears me so much more than it should. But still, I smile because I know I am going to be okay. That this isn’t the end of the world. That this is something I should be very grateful about.

Grateful. Truly Grateful

This is what encouragement looks like. It may or may not have been written for me and my situation solely but the mere fact that a lot of people I know have written so many insights about their own experiences do not just make me feel comforted but also made me feel that life has tricky tumbles and turns and we just have to get used to it from time to time. It made me feel that I am not alone and that a lot of other people experience the same thing I did!

I’m always grateful for people like you guys. You’re always ready to give a helping hand in different ways and you don’t know how much it helped me. Seriously. Every little thing you guys shared and told me or written even indirectly made a huge impact in this road to recovery I am in. Thank you so much!

I Still Believe in Goodness

What have I learned from my recent traumatic experience and what should I value in this experience? I guess it’s the faith and belief that no matter how bad a person can be, you should still see the goodness in them. There’s still kindness in their hearts and it doesn’t mean that they will carry on to be a mean person.

Just like as I am now.

Honestly, there is a lot of learning I should take from this experience but the main part which I am thankful for is how I learned to forgive myself through this “battle”.

I was sick with guilt from how I was, how I treated other people and what I say about them. I didn’t see myself that bad and felt it was normal, like everyone is doing it and at least, that’s from my point of view. I still think everyone does it but I am not justifying my actions, just saying. Everyone has been a mean person, said a lot of hideous things and made bad decisions, but that’s how you’ll learn and that’s how I did. I used my energy crying my heart out and replaying everything as much as I can until I fall asleep. I was almost eaten whole by my guilt. I realized how stuck I was, how much shit I have taken and how much shit I’ve given and that’s when I learned to forgive myself. I rolled on with the punches and took everything I can, I blamed myself for the bad things I have done and instead of being lonely and week, I felt strong and hopeful. Finally, I have learned to fully embrace my flaws. Everything ugly about me and my past, I learned to accept it and use it to be able to move forward. It could be one of the hardest things but I did it, I forgave myself.

After several phases of my grief, anger and denial, I came to the acceptance part and though I am not sure if I can say that I have fully accepted my fate, I was able to forgive everyone who caused me so much hurt.

People can say whatever the hell they want and think what they want but aside from the fact that I may sound like an idiot right now after a few angry blog posts and sad thoughts, I came to forgive these people.

Why? Because I believe in goodness. I’ve known these people since I was 11 years old, one since I was 14 and I can say that no matter how badly things ended, I know that they are good people.

There could be a lot of reasons as to why they did that and it doesn’t matter anymore. The thing that matters the most is that despite everything, they have been kind and good at some point in their lives and I know they will be even better people than they have been few weeks ago.

1 Month

I cannot believe that a lot could happen in a month’s time! This is where I’d say “what a roller coaster ride it has been!” and truly, it was filled with ups and downs and a dozen of tumbles and turns! My oh my, I can’t even explain how everything happened THAT fast but there’s so much to take away from bad and good experiences and I’ve got a ton in my pocket right now.

One month ago, I was slapped with the whole reality worth of more than 10 years of friendship and no that’s not something I regret, in fact I am happy it all happened. It just proved a lot of things about the universe and how life works:

  • A person can have a full 360 degree turn because the universe wanted change.
  • I do not know who I was 1 month ago. I keep on learning new things about myself now!
  • A LOT HAS CHANGED and my soul included.
  • You get to roll with the bad stuff first but see the good afterwards.
  • The tunnel is LOOOOOONG and dark but there’s a light in the end of it.
  • You get to learn the things you need to work on and you do your best to work on it for a better version of yourself.
  • When a lot is lost, a lot is gained. You just have to look at the right things at the right time.
  • There are a lot of things, a lot of people you missed to appreciate because you were too busy trying to appreciate other things that you fail to see what really matters.
  • There’s so much hatred in this cruel world but there’s a lot of love to compensate it anyway.
  • If you fight hate with hate, you will lose. If you fight hate with love, hatred ends and both can move forward.
  • Sometimes, people fail to see the bigger picture because they are too blinded with hurt and that’s not a totally bad thing. It’s just something you want to change moving forward.
  • Words, when spoken cannot be taken back. Always be careful with what you say even if you think it shouldn’t hurt others. Cause it might hurt them.
  • No matter how long a time ago it was, if it matters for other people, respect it.
  • Some friendships end and it hurts but if it’s necessary, then accept it and move forward.
  • Friendship is deeper than how you think it is. It is bigger than what your heart can give.

Time and time again, it hurts to just think how it all happened so fast but I keep holding on to the fact that everything happens for a reason, that those who are meant to stay will stay and that everything is but a learning experience so I would be able to appreciate the fullness of life and it all goes better.

They say “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got” and I think it rings true to how I feel right now. Despite all these, forgiveness is the most important thing I can give myself and other people.

I still believe in goodness and kindness. Even if there are a lot of bad things going on in our lives, even if there have been a few hiccups, you can’t blame a bad situation to a person because more often than not, bad endings are just a result of emotional outbursts. People do not always mean what they say especially when they’re angry. People do not always mean harm especially when they’re hurt. People do not mean a lot of things and this is one of those.

After forgiving myself, I have forgiven everyone else. Though I feel like I may have a few more hiccups as life turns, I’ll be okay.

Live. Let Live. Let Go, Let God.

Xox, T.

“You Can All Go To Hell” But That’s Not What I Want

The Lasts of My Thoughts

I am not one to blame someone for my stupidity and my wrong doings. I am all for becoming a better person and someone that my 50 year old self would be proud of.

No matter how much I try to be silent about it, no matter how much I keep my lips sealed, I can’t help but share with you the thoughts racing inside my head.

HOW COULD YOU. I asked myself the same thing, how could have I done such terrible things? Oh yeah, I was young and stupid. That’s no excuse but that’s the truth!! I was such a terrible “friend’ and I only hoped that I made up for it when I wasn’t being stupid anymore. However, things turn around and escalated and magnified and the next thing I know, my mistakes were highlighted like CRAY!

How could you let the past sway you? You feel like all of a sudden you don’t know me anymore because of how shitty I was back then? Well truce! Cause I fucking do not know every one of you as well until the last bit of what we call “friendship”. Allow me to dissect it not for the entire world to see, but for my own peace of mind.

How could you thank someone for spilling the bad beans of the past? You’re not even that close. I mean, did you honestly think she said all of that because she fucking cares about your feelings and well-being? All of you know that she didn’t say that because she CARES. She said that because she just doesn’t want to be my “friend” anymore and Idk? Turn everyone else against me? When asked “why?” she said “so that everyone would know the real you” oh what is the real me? What? Did you think that what you did was not MONSTROUS?

Before I finally shut the hell up, let me just tell you this. Wait, I wanna say FUCK YOU but that’s just wrong and I feel like I’d give you guys more reasons to “hate” me and I’ll give you the privilege to HATE ME MORE and FEEL DAMN BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF so I’ll just tell you this, SHAME ON YOU. If you think that you’re doing the right thing, you could have done it the fucking right way. Like what? Like SCHEDULE AN OPEN FUCKING FORUM because did you really think that you are the only one hurting? HAHA. I hate myself for saying this but SHAME ON YOU FOR PRAISING GOD AND WORSHIPPING HIM AND GOING TO CHURCH EVERY DAMN WEEK ONLY TO FUCKING BE A BITCH AND TEAR ME DOWN. Why? Because YOU WERE INVITED LAST MINUTE TO MY BIRTHDAY DINNER? Did it ever occur to you why? Didn’t you think that I didn’t just not like you because I simply hate you? Didn’t you think that you’ve been a bitch to me the entire time and for once, for once I want to be happy without being uncomfortable? I did invite you the last minute and TO BE HONEST, I FELT BAD FOR NOT TELLING YOU SOON ENOUGH. But this? HAHA.

You—going to church has nothing to do with this fucking worthless antic of yours but, I mean. How could you even praise and worship then go home and be mean to people you do not like?

This goes for all the people who are so righteous that they fail to do WHAT IS RIGHT because they’re so blinded. I don’t want to be mean but, I just can’t help but to feel bad for what you did to me. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

You can all go to hell if I’d be as monstrous as you think I am, but that’s not what I wish for you all.

I wish you well and that this never happens to anyone else.

I hope that if you develop a hate for someone or if you encounter a tragic experience with your FRIENDS, schedule a peaceful open forum where everyone opens up because nothing could be better than fixing things and doing what is right. Nothing is better than repenting and owning up to the mistakes and trying to move on—being a better person. I hope that you stop accusing other people without looking at the root cause of things, without understanding one another’s perspective. I hope you don’t do things you’ll regret for the rest of your life, I hope that when you do a totally life changing thing—you would be able to sleep well at night and not look back and think “was I right with what I did?”

TO MY EX FRIENDS, this is the last bit of what I would have to say and this is a good month’s worth of grief. I honestly and most sincerely wish you all the best in life and though it may be sad that everything had to end this way, know that you could have done the right thing but you didn’t. Know that we could have repaired this but we didn’t and that’s not something I could have decided for all of us because you have engineered it very well to turn your backs on me and I don’t blame you for your rash decisions. Though it’s heart breaking, I still pray every day that you may find peace and happiness and I don’t wish you bad luck as you might want to think because now, my heart is filled and I am hopeful once and for all. This experience have taught me well and I hope it taught you stuff too. It’s actually good that we parted ways. It just broke my heart because until now, I couldn’t believe you let this happen. Hahahaha. But it’s all good! Enjoy life and let’s all move forward!

XOX, T.

If anyone else would object as to why I had to write this, LET ME TELL YOU THIS. I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO VOICE OUT WHAT I FELT AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY SPACE I CAN FIND WITHOUT BEING A “BITCH”. So leave me be and let’s be happy!

On a lighter note, after writing this, I feel better and hopeful.