One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!

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Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Nagdadasal ka ba pag gising na pag gising mo?

Matic kasi ako na bago matulog at pag gising na pag gising, si God ang kinakausap ko. Para siyang silent listener. Kuda ako ng kuda, kinukwento ko sakanya yung mga nararamdaman ko, yung mga nangyari, mga naiisip ko. Araw araw humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran para sa mga nagawa kong hindi maganda tapos susundot ako ng mga request lalo na about health and strength.

Minsan kahit paulit ulit na nga yung sinasabi ko sakanya hindi ko pa rin maalala. Parang nabubura sa memorya ko. Hindi ko alam kung sa sobrang antok ko ba o kasi kung ano ano lang sinasabi ko?

Pero tuwing gitna na ng araw, binabalikan ko yung oras na nagdasal ako nung gabi at nung umaga. Inaalala ko kung ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa Panginoon.

Kanina napaisip ako tapos tandang tanda ko yung dasal ko.

“Lord, ayoko na. Ayoko na silang maisip. Ayoko na silang mapanaginipan ulit. Ayaw ko na”

Tapos ngayon nung inaalala ko yang mga sinabi ko, para bang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Ano ba ako unconsciously? Sa mga oras na mahinang mahina pa ang katawan at isipan ko, ano ba akong klaseng tao? Iniisip ko tuloy, malungkot ba ako? Broken pa ba ako on the inside? Hindi ba ako masaya? Hindi pa ba ako tapos magluksa sa mga taong buhay na namatay lang sa buhay ko? Ano na ba??

Pero bigla ko din naisip na kahit sa mahinang estado ng katawan ko, half asleep man ako, malakas pala ang puso kong kumawala sa mga nakakasakit. Akala ko martyr lang ako habang buhay na kahit gaano kasakit handa akong magpatawad at tanggapin ang mga taong nanakit sa akin ng buong puso. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagbabalik ng mga taong umiwan sakin. Matagal kong iniisip, hinahangad na baka magkaroon ng twist ang storya ng buhay ko, nab aka kapag may ginawa ako at kinausap ko sila, pinuntahan sa bahay o trabaho, mababago ang ihip ng hangin. Magkakaroon ng happy ending.

Pero iba na ngayon.

Alam kong kung hindi man ibigay ng panginoon ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng second chance sa pagkakaibigang iyon, matatag ako. Kaya ko. Kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko na silang isipin, ayaw ko na silang mapanaginipan ulit.

Changing and Changing

And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde!  Whoohoo!!

So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).

Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.

Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.

It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…

It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:

  • Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
  • Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
  • Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
  • Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!

This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!

With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.

This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.

And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.

There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!

8 Things I have Moved On From

I was listening to the latest episode of the Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcast and there’s a part where they talked about the things they have moved on from hence the topic I would be writing about today so credits to Jim and Saab for giving me something to write about hahaha.


Seated inside a cramped vehicle, I commuted to work today. It was not a bad commute because the traffic is moderately heavy. I sat there earphones still plugged even if there’s nothing to listen to anymore.I looked out the window trying to evaluate my life again and again. It has become a habit—re-evaluating my life while stuck in traffic. Wow. I think I have come a long way since my tragedy in 2016 and though there were still rough days that makes me think about it over again and cry a little at night, I feel like I’m stronger now. I have changed so much! My way of life, my thinking, my happiness and how I love myself! It’s all so different from the cringe worthy person that I was back then. And so, I bring you, the 8 things I have moved on from!

  1. Toxic Attitude – At one point, I have become this toxic ball of a person. Always magnifying the negativity and shadowing the bright side. I always would be so paranoid at how people perceive me, I get jealous often times, I don’t smile often, I don’t appreciate the good things. Now, I have gotten rid of that. I’ve veered away from that toxic attitude!
  2. Toxic People – oh but of course, there are also toxic people around and I’d always want to still deal with them but after what happened to me, I figured it was time for me to move forward and change paths. I do not need toxicity in my life and though my doors are not closed, I wouldn’t go out and run towards people like this. If they have changed, then they can enter my door again but if not, it’s fine. I’m fine.
  3. Ridiculously Pathetic Thinking – this is too general but at the top of my head it means I am done with negative thinking and overthinking. I am still on the process of relaxing and not getting stress get the best of my mental health but at least I’m done. I don’t tolerate shit I give to myself anymore. I try to see things as it is and not overthink.
  4. Treating Myself So Shitty – I used to tolerate shit I and other people give to me. I always think I deserve whatever bad thing a certain bad situation gave me. It’s pathetic because it goes to show how I don’t love myself as much as one should!
  5. Spending Time with The Wrong People – I value time so much and since I value myself a lot more than I was doing back then, I decided to stop spending time with the wrong people. I choose when to engage myself, I choose what events I would go to, I choose which movies to watch, I choose the company I know I would enjoy myself with. I am done with FOMO. Back then, I used to just go even if I don’t even want to be there in the first place, even if I am not enjoying myself. Now, I make sure that I really like the people I spend time with.
  6. Living My Life For Others – I used to really like living in a way others would tell me they like my life. I want people to tell me that they admire my lifestyle, what I want, my hobbies, my quirks and then suddenly, I started to do things so that others would continue to like me for it. It’s so toxic and I wasn’t at all happy about it. So I changed my ways and started living for myself, for what I really want and didn’t care whether other people would tell me they didn’t like me or they didn’t like what I am doing or they didn’t like my clothes et cetera.
  7. Caring Way Too Much – in line with the 6th one, I used to care a lot what other people think of me. I value their opinions so much even if it hurts me or even if it becoming so toxic. It’s as if I was walking on egg shells all day every day because I don’t want people to think badly of me. It’s just crazy that I care too much about what others would say that I forgot my own well-being!
  8. Dwelling On The Haters – I think I’ve got a few bunch of people who dislike me or even hate my existence. I would obsess about it and if I knew that you don’t like me, I would keep on impressing you or trying hard to be friends with you just so you would stop disliking me. HOW PATHETIC WAS THAT?! Now, I learned that if someone do not like me, I should start shaking it all off. I mean it’s not easy, especially that I was a people pleaser for a long time (not anymore ah! Before lang) It’s so stupid diba. Hahaha. I stopped obsessing and dwelling on these people. If you don’t like me, then it’s okay!

It’s a long read but I hope you made it all the way down here. I feel like it’s very important that I share these things to you guys, I owe you this much. And though I don’t dwell on the haters anymore, I still feel sick to my stomach and sometimes, my heart breaks a little because all I ever wanted is to live in a happy space with happy people not snarking at me or something. So let’s end this with:

But I keep cruisin’, won’t stop can’t stop grooving. It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate and the players gonna play play play play play baby I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake, shake it off, shake it off!

 

I am not a Taylor Swift fan but this song just resonates what I need to do with my life especially when dealing with people who don’t like me. How about you guys? What are the things you moved on from and how did you do it?

What A Freaking Fantastic Week!!!

August 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

Disclaimer: I tell my story the way I like to hahaha and that’s my excuse for magulong story telling. mehehe

August 21

The day Kyx and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. Our anniversary falls on a Wednesday, a work day + number coding. So since we both didn’t have to work on the 21st, that’s when we decided to eat out and sort of shopped a little.

August 22

Kyx gave me his letter + anniversary gift and I cried a little before sleeping. We both didn’t have a nice day because apparently, hindi pa kami tapos from our argument last weekend. Sooo. Hahah. Oh well, Happy Anniversary!

August 23

PARAMORE CONCERT!!! We bought our tickets back in November 2017 for the February concert but they had to cancel because of Hayley’s health. Anyway, I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS CONCERT!!!!

Especially that Kyx and I finally got over our argument last weekend and this is like the cherry on top of our anniversary.

I was on leave, went to pick Airah from Glo 4, went straight to MOA Arena; thank goodness for parking slots. (We were so worried that parking might be challenging, but hindi naman so all is well)

Snacked on Turks and popcorn and then the how started exactly at 8pm. Of course there was a front act and then Paramore came out of nowhere and sang their first song, Grudges. I like the song because it talks to me about forgiveness and old friendships. I am still praying for those people and I hope I myself wouldn’t have grudges anymore.

Then they played Still Into You. That’s when I lost my shit. Kyx and I were singing our hearts out so crazily because yes, that’s in fact, our song. HAHAHA.

All of their songs were still amazing. I loved it and I’m so glad we were able to watch it.

It ended at around 10pm. Airah, her sister Lee, their cousin, me and Kyx went for late dinner at Mister Kabab. It’s good food but pretty expensive than the Mister Kabab at Pearl Drive.

Verdict: This day was super amazing!!!!!

August 24

Worked and had a meeting then went to shop for gifts, went home, slept.

I was still so fucking tired from the concert last night kaya I just slept. Lol.

Verdict: Fun day but still tired.

August 25

Went to our friend’s baby shower. Got stuck in traffic and cried inside because I kept thinking about my life, where I am going, how I can still improve myself, how I can continue to heal and become better. All sorts of evaluation, feeling left out and shaking it all off. Hayy. But by the end of the day I grew super grateful and it felt like all my questions were answered!

I got to spend the day with my best friend, Gert and our grade school friends from SPCP. (side note: super excited for our friend giving birth next month! Nakakaloka!!!)

I also got to go out with our friends from Kyx’s side naman. We drank and ate at Tas Roofdeck in Paranaque and got home at around 4 in the morning.

Again, it was a super fun day. I drank one glass of Peach sangria and a bottle of Pale maybe that’s why hindi ako agad inaantok haha.

Verdict: grateful, loved and comforted. It was a blessed and fun day!

August 26

REST DAY. I am not feeling well so I just slept the whole day away and watched a few movies online with Kyx!

August 27

National Heroes Day and I got to spend it with my hero—my mama. I took her out on a date. We watched Crazy Rich Asians, shopped a little and ate dinner at her favourite place for merienda—Luk Yu En.

It was also Kyxarie’s mom’s birthday and we had lunch at their house pala. Hehe.

I am praying for more weeks like this. Just light and fun filled with time spent with family and friends. Hayyy. Thank you, Lord for this week! Definitely one for the books AGAIN!

In The Middle of August

Wow, we’re in the middle of August already! That means our anniversary is in less than a week plus Paramore’s concert is also going to be next week and the next thing I know, it’s almost the end of my happy freaking month?! Woah!

Okay so before I publish the things I wrote for the past few days, I’ll give you this one first!

  1. Ultimate Surprising Experience So Far
  • This would have to be the TFIOB (girls) Night at Rhea’s condo unit. I swear. This surprised me on a different level. Wait, let me publish it right away after this HAHAHAHA.

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  1. Current Obsessions
  • I started obsessing over podcasts in July when I listened to Wake Up with Jim and Saab but I like to consider it as a full blown obsession when August started. I was so hooked to so many other podcasts aside from Jim and Saab’s. My go-to podcast would have to be that and Self-Helpless (go check them out!)
  1. Did Differently This Month
  • More than ever, I found myself still being reflective but self-aware and happier. I mean usually, when I think things through or like play over and over a scenario or a behaviour over my head, I get so emotionally tangled to that which leaves me no space for growth and understanding. So this month, I love how I am reflective but at the same time pushing myself to see the bigger picture.

    I included this because I look what I feel: Happier!
  1. Currently Practicing
  • I have been practicing a lot of things but my most favourite one is complaining less, caring less and being happier with myself. It takes a great deal of effort to really be patient and kind especially if a lot of things piss you off but like I said, practicing it often leads to achieving that goal. I am more patient, I don’t complain as much as I used to, I cared less about what others think and say negatively about me and I’m overall just really happier!

    That’s my office BFF! Always happy and myself when I’m with her.
  1. Working On Physically
  • I plan to work on going back to making art regularly again but since there’s a lot on my plate that I need to handle, I am just focused on working on going back to boxing and doing yoga regularly. Not working out really made me feel like shit and have become overall shitty to Kyx so he’s all for me—working out so that I don’t turn into a “monster” lels.
  • This is me feeling all glowy whenever I work out. Sorry I don’t have photos of me working out because I’m shy hahaha

I hope your mid-month is working just fine! 🙂

Wrote this on August 15, 2018