“Bahala Kayo Diyan” Attitude

Madalas, people pleaser tayo. Wag na tayo lumayo, ako ay isang people pleaser noong unang panahon. Para bang gumigising, bumabangon at nabubuhay ako upang pasayahin ang ibang tao at gustuhin ng ibang tao. Para bang major goal ko in life is maging very likable at adorable para sa iba. At one point na-achieve ko naman yan, aminin niyo TFIOB madali tayong nakakapagpalagayan ng loob diba? Hahaha. Pero para yang sumpa at habang tumatagal na ginagawa ko yan, para din akong gumugulong dahan dahan pababa.

Nandiyang sinasakripisyo ko ang kaligayahan ko para sa ibang tao, andiyang pumapayag ako sa mga gusto ng ibang tao kahit labag naman sa loob ko, ayokong nagmumukang masama ako kaya lagi akong nageexplain ng actions ko at kung ano ano pang bagay kahit di naman kailangan. Madalas nagsosorry ako sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman kasalanan. Mabilis ako magreach out sa mga tao na nakasamaan ko ng loob kahit na muka akong tanga at kahit hindi naman sila karapat dapat, mabilis ako magpatawad at magtiwala. Lahat yan ay yung tipong hindi na ako nagiging masaya. Akala ko kasi kapag gusto ko yung gusto nila, pag sumunod ako sa mga gusto nila, isang ganap na tunay na kaibigan na ako. Huli ko na kasi narealize na ang tunay na kaibigan ay yung taong matatanggap ka kung ano ka, magugustuhan ka kahit ayaw mo ng mga bagay na hindi niya gusto. Sobrang daming dynamics ng pagkakaibigan na namiss-out ko.

Yung tipong lagi ko nalang iniisip yung kapakanan nila, okay lang ba sila, masaya ba sila, ay baka sabihin ni ganito ay ganyan, ay baka isipin ni ganito ganiyan. Para akong naglalakad lagi sa egg shells. Laging dahan dahan, laging parang tanga.

Kaya nung natautauhan na ako sa kagagahan ko, narealize ko na masyado akong may malaki at maraming pakielam sa ibang tao, sa sasabihin at iisipin nila. Hindi ko na inisip kung okay pa ba ako, kung masaya pa ba ako.

Dito na papasok yung isa sa maraming hinahangaan ko kay Kyx. Mabait na tao si Kyx, sobrang bait. Tahimik lang. Maayos at magaling makisama pero (di ko alam kung ganon talaga ang mga lalaki o likas sa kanila yun) meron siyang “bahala kayo diyan” attitude.

“Bahala Kayo Diyan” attitude – isa sa mga technique kung paano magkaroon ng stress free at peaceful life. Ang kawalan ng pakielam sa iisipin, sasabihin at gagawin ng iba. Ginagamit sa mga panahong ayaw nila sayo, naiinis sila sayo pero:

  • Wala kang ginagawang masama, hindi ka nakakabastos o nagpapakita ng kakulangan o kawalan ng respeto sa iba
  • Kapag maayos ang pakikitungo mo
  • Iniisip mo pa rin ang kapakanan ng ibang tao
  • Hindi ka nakakasakit ng damdamin
  • Hindi mo ginagamit ang attitude na ito sa pansariling interes at kaligayahan lamang. Kumbaga, hindi mo deliberately ginagawa na may naaapakan kang tao basta lamang maging masaya ka.

Gawin daw ang bahala kayo diyan attitude kapag may mga taong ayaw o naiinis sayo for no reason. Actually natatawa ako sa “no reason” kasi wala namang ganoon. Hindi pupwede yung walang rason which leads me to another topic. Kaya abangan!

Note: bakit “Bahala kayo diyan” attitude? Kasi ganito yun

“Kung wala naman akong ginagawa sainyo, bahala kayong mainis diyan”

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Empaths

Empaths are people who can sense subtle energies and are able to absorb it from the surroundings, environment and people. In short, empaths are those who can absorb your energy and have a hard time peeling it away from their own energy.

I am an empath and being one may feel like a curse sometimes. I absorb other people’s emotions. If a friend tells me she’s said and is in pain, I would become sad and it’s as if I was gutted the same way that particular friend feels!

Last night, a close friend of mine is sad and you can feel her emotions from miles away (all thanks to social media lels) it’s the kind of sad that is empty and painful. It’s the kind of sad that you want to talk to someone about it but you can’t because you don’t know where and how to start. It’s the kind of sad that’s too painful to put into words and too mainstream to cry about. That kind of sad.

And last night, I absorbed “that kind of sad” and I don’t know what to do. I just tried washing it off with an episode or two of Desperate Housewives and can’t decide whether to snack on Lays, Apple Crisps or Banana bread? Hayyy sometimes I have so many emotions which are not healthy to carry as baggage anymore.

I just wish my friend feels better (I bought her a pack of cookies huhu) and I hope we empaths could handle shit better.

Love Like Jesus Daw

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

Practice loving like Jesus and maybe it’s for the better. Maybe you’ll feel better.

Note To Self #1

Kung mabilis silang kalimutan ka at burahin ka sa buhay nila, MAG MOVE ON KA NA KASI PUNYETA PALA EH. KAYA PALA NAMAN NILA GAWIN YON TAPOS IKAW MUKA KA LANG TANGA NA NAIIYAK NALULUNGKOT NANANAGINIP TUNGKOL SA KANILA PERO IKAW DI KA NA NILA NAIISIP DIBA? SO ANO PA BANG SAYSAY NG FEELINGS MO??? TANGINA. Kung kaya ka nila ilaglag ng walang ano ano, HINDI SILA KAWALAN. HINDI SILA IMPORTANTE. WALA SILANG KWENTA SA BUHAY MO NGAYON KAYA TIGILAN MO NA ANG MALUNGKOT DAHIL WALAAAAAAANG KWENTAAAAAA ANG KINALULUNGKUTAN MO. NYEMAS!

Working on Choosing My Battles

One of the many things I’ve learned to do (still on the process of mastering it) is choosing my battles wisely. It’s far from easy and I guess it will forever be hard especially for someone like me—an overly emotional INFJ who feels so much more than I should.

I am taking one baby step after another so I still kind of really feel bad when people are rude and especially mean to me but instead of showing them they affect me and let them know that I am thinking every second, stressing myself and over analyzing every single detail, I keep it to myself because I wouldn’t give these people the satisfaction of knowing that I cared enough to feel bad.

So I guess I still am far from really being able to choose my battles wisely because I still feel bad right? But I’m happy I can already control how I act towards unsettling situations!

I Just Got Used To It

I don’t know how long this post will be because I am not really thinking properly, I just want a raw out-pour of what is going on in my mind right now.

Since 2018 started, I am feeling very positive that this will be the year, my year for the Lord.  And with that, this year will also be the year of Healing, moving on, letting go and forgiveness. So let me share with you, the unfiltered process of how I got here.

It was one year and a month ago and probably some couple of days and minutes and seconds. I can still clearly remember every single thing. From the petty and mean words I am told to how my heart was broken and my soul torn into pieces. I can still remember clearly how I have to suck it in day and night, grasp all the energy and sturdy things I could get a hold of onto because I was in a very fragile state but I don’t want my loved ones, the people supporting me, to see that I am giving up on myself. I trusted the process and the stages of grief but it wasn’t easy as cake. It was hella terrible because:

  • I can’t wrap the idea around my head that it is all over. Gone and done. Bye.
  • I keep asking how it is THAT easy for these people to throw me under the bus and not hear me out and not talk to me properly and just give me a chance like they gave each other chances. I think I pretty much deserve a chance as well didn’t I?
  • I keep replaying over and over and over again what happened and to be honest, it is still very painful but I’d probably give in and give them a chance when they asked for it. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted it. Nobody felt that they needed to apologize for the pain they have caused me.
  • I keep apologizing for the mistakes I did and I was really really really (sorry for using too many “reallys” to think I’m actually a writer and this happens? Lol) really really sorry for everything, every pain I may have caused but no one ever thought of the pain they may have caused.
  • I felt like it was very easy for them because you know what, no one even tried blocking me off of their social media. HAHA. It’s as if it’s okay for them to see me without them in my life. It’s like it wouldn’t make them feel bad remembering me. No bitter taste in their mouths in the mention of my name. It’s like I still exist but they could care less. HOW??? Cause I can’t even begin to try being around them even on social media because I wanted to move on.

The list goes on and on. There were so many things running in my mind that time and I’m so emotionally stressed out and burdened by them all so I had to run really far and fast.

As I was running, I found pieces of me. Gems hidden in stony ugly places. Hard to reach branches and steep cliff-y places. Then I found people I can be myself with.

I clung on to the people who love me still despite everything else. I clung on to God.

I worked harder. I was in the office from 9am until 11pm.

If I wasn’t working overtime, I worked my ass off in boxing or when I feel really tired, I’d do Yoga.

There was so much going back and forth. Being able to move forward then taking 2 steps backward. It was such a long process and along the way, I have learned and grew so much!

I had no idea, that the things that made it hard for me to move forward are the same exact things that made me realize how I need to move on and let go. (the bulleted ones I wrote on top) that these are even the reasons why I need to let these people go. Because..

  • It was easy for them to drop me like a hot tamale
  • It was easier to not give me a chance than trying to fix everything
  • That they weren’t even sorry at all!
  • That they can live with the fact that they can see me like nothing happened.

Exactly. Why. I. Need. To. Let. Go.

And again, I have moved on from that already. I no longer feel anger. I have tamed the pain. But I realized today that it will always always always still be so painful. I just got used to it.


Featured image not mine; got it from Google.

 

A year ago, A friend, A quote

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha