Same Story, Different Perspective Part 2

The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.

Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha

Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this.

I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)

Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.

Oh well, all is good now.

I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.

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Same Story, Different Perspective PART 1

I wrote a really long blog entry last night but I couldn’t find it anywhere in my laptop and I wanted to cry but whatever. Leche.

Intentions

It feels a lot easier to tell the story now that I have finally moved on. It’s like I am telling the story from a different perspective!

One of the favourite things I have learned and focused on from the emotional mess I have endured in the past were “intentions”.


It was the day after my 26th birthday. I was in a really happy mood especially that my best friend Gee and I agreed to have dinner at Eastwood after months of not seeing each other. I arrived at Mcdonald’s—our meeting place around 20 minutes earlier. While I wait for Gee, I ordered fries and Coke.

While waiting, an earthquake happened. I thought I was just dizzy but I saw how the tables and chairs swayed, people looked at each other with a bit of panic in their eyes. I stared down at my Coke and saw that though it wasn’t splashing, the black liquid is definitely moving. I held on to it knowing full well that it might spill if the earthquake decides to be more extra. After a good minute or 2, I messaged my friends. I was worried that something might have happened, I want to make sure they were fine. They said that they felt it too and that they’re okay.

Gee arrived and we headed to Bigoli’s. It used to be Fazoli’s, our ultimate fave back then. After eating, Gee had to run quick at the Globe center , something to do with her postpaid line I guess. So while waiting, I checked my phone. There was a message from K in the Group chat. She sent photos of wrecked buildings caused by the earthquake and then said “sana may nabagsakan nalang niyan eh” (translation: “I wish someone got hit by those”—pertaining to the building wreck) I knew instantly something was wrong. Then she suddenly sent a new message containing screenshots of old conversations as proof of my snide comments. My comments were not bad but it was bad enough to be exposed like that. I was trying to pacify the situation, admitting to what I said and apologizing if someone have found it offensive when being offensive wasn’t my intention. Maybe it was blunt and insensitive but what I said was true and it wasn’t meant to be mean! But somehow, my words were twisted and I was frustrated to further explain myself especially when no one was listening. By the time that everyone was just going crazy, I said my piece again that they were taking what I said the wrong way and still no one cares, I left the group chat.

I was hyperventilating. My world was spinning and I can’t even continue eating my chicken which of course had gone cold already. I can’t even drink. I was in shock!

I waited for Gee and told her what had happened, after dinner I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom. I told her everything that happened and I was ugly crying and I think I messaged Kyx too so he drove to my mom’s house and comforted me as well. They were also in shock that something like that had to happen, it was really petty! I was crying so much that my mom wanted to intervene. She wanted to call someone, the barangay, the cops, whatever. But I told her I need to do this on my own.

My mom’s eyes were super wide and she has this look of hurt in her face. She looked strong and at the same time helpless. She lit her Marlboro lights and puffed it while telling me how I should speak up for myself and don’t let these people talk to me in a very degrading way. (did I mention I was called a bitch, two faced friend et cetera haha)

I think I calmed down eventually but still in shock and I wasn’t able to sleep well that night. I was crying sooooo hard every minute it flashes back in my mind.

I never got to talk to these people after I left the group chat. At least not immediately.

Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!

Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Nagdadasal ka ba pag gising na pag gising mo?

Matic kasi ako na bago matulog at pag gising na pag gising, si God ang kinakausap ko. Para siyang silent listener. Kuda ako ng kuda, kinukwento ko sakanya yung mga nararamdaman ko, yung mga nangyari, mga naiisip ko. Araw araw humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran para sa mga nagawa kong hindi maganda tapos susundot ako ng mga request lalo na about health and strength.

Minsan kahit paulit ulit na nga yung sinasabi ko sakanya hindi ko pa rin maalala. Parang nabubura sa memorya ko. Hindi ko alam kung sa sobrang antok ko ba o kasi kung ano ano lang sinasabi ko?

Pero tuwing gitna na ng araw, binabalikan ko yung oras na nagdasal ako nung gabi at nung umaga. Inaalala ko kung ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa Panginoon.

Kanina napaisip ako tapos tandang tanda ko yung dasal ko.

“Lord, ayoko na. Ayoko na silang maisip. Ayoko na silang mapanaginipan ulit. Ayaw ko na”

Tapos ngayon nung inaalala ko yang mga sinabi ko, para bang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Ano ba ako unconsciously? Sa mga oras na mahinang mahina pa ang katawan at isipan ko, ano ba akong klaseng tao? Iniisip ko tuloy, malungkot ba ako? Broken pa ba ako on the inside? Hindi ba ako masaya? Hindi pa ba ako tapos magluksa sa mga taong buhay na namatay lang sa buhay ko? Ano na ba??

Pero bigla ko din naisip na kahit sa mahinang estado ng katawan ko, half asleep man ako, malakas pala ang puso kong kumawala sa mga nakakasakit. Akala ko martyr lang ako habang buhay na kahit gaano kasakit handa akong magpatawad at tanggapin ang mga taong nanakit sa akin ng buong puso. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagbabalik ng mga taong umiwan sakin. Matagal kong iniisip, hinahangad na baka magkaroon ng twist ang storya ng buhay ko, nab aka kapag may ginawa ako at kinausap ko sila, pinuntahan sa bahay o trabaho, mababago ang ihip ng hangin. Magkakaroon ng happy ending.

Pero iba na ngayon.

Alam kong kung hindi man ibigay ng panginoon ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng second chance sa pagkakaibigang iyon, matatag ako. Kaya ko. Kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko na silang isipin, ayaw ko na silang mapanaginipan ulit.