Guess Who’s Back?

Aila (1)

Digital Painting by Kyxarie Peralta

It has been a year my friends, The journey, my journey—our journey will begin in about 2 days from now. Tomorrow, the 8th of April Manila, Philippines time, my life will change, everything will turn upside down and I wouldn’t know where to start. You guys then will be my support, my strength and my fortress.

What a year it has been!!! I couldn’t believe that it has been a year already and look at me, all moved on and not hurt or pissed anymore! There are hiccups along the way, losing friends—my best friends (or so I though) was not easy and you helped me get back on track. You all here, helped me one way or another. I felt like I was drowning or even being buried but you helped me get back on my feet. That’s intense!

So to celebrate the year it has been and my 27th birthday here are my goals or resolutions or to-dos hahaha.

  • I’ll be more around, more present.
  • I’ll try to be more interactive, I swear I am trying my best hahaha.
  • I will continue to change for the better.

To everyone who continue to read whatever I have to write and listen to whatever I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being there.

To the TFIOB family, ilang months lang yata akong HIATUS ang dami na nadagdag hahaha let’s see each other again soon!

And most especially to these people:

Space, Kat, Kate, Amielle, Alona, Jhem, Aubrey, Lhory, Bharath, Jolens, Ica, Eca, Krishel, Mommy Meg, CJ, Chammy, Aysa, Kuya Keso, Jassie, Rhea, Kuya Jheff, Ely, Jonathan

 – SALAMAT NG MARAMI.

Aside from all the ganaps in the office, I wanted more space for myself hence the little hiatus but I’m still on twitter anyway. I guess that’s the INFJ in me. Bigla biglang nawawala hahaha. I hope you understand. I needed to focus on healing myself emotionally. I went to church (almost) every Sunday, I went boxing about 2 to 3 times a week, I worked on myself so that I could give or share more of myself to you diba hehehe.

I just want to say as well, I AM BACK ❤

 

Advertisements

Last Night’s Thoughts

I talked to God last night and told him how finally, I saw things differently. I told him that he kept showing me what’s up but I kept looking for something that wasn’t there. He kept reminding me of my blessings and what I have yet I kept looking at what I lost. I wanted it all didn’t I? That’s why I wasn’t looking at what he was actually showing me.

Today, I was hit with the reality that the people who are with me right now is enough. What was lost is lost and all I could do is move forward and appreciate the ones I still have. Grabe ang blessings pala ni Lord na hindi ko masyadong pinapansin.

Last night I told him that I am acknowledging my mistake of looking past the blessings. I told Him that I was too caught up, too busy getting sad over silly things. Hay naman oo.

Thank you for all your prayers friends. Kailangan siguro talaga natin ng mga taong nagdadasal para sa atin and kailangan din tayo ng ibang tao na magdasal para sakanila.

Today, I am happy again. Yay!

Getting Out of That Slump!

The end of February and the start of March were not easy for me. I am in constant battle with myself, struggling to be okay and normal. Maybe I was in social gatherings way too often than I would have wanted so I guess I craved time for myself that detaching and isolation is best for me when things get a little crazy on the inside. I mean I have no problem socializing and if you met me in person, you wouldn’t think I loved being alone. I can also be clingy and needy at times then there would be moments that I am out of the loop, that I don’t exist. It’s me and my energy. And again, detaching and isolating myself do not mean that I don’t like to be part of a group anymore or that I don’t like the company of others. I’m just that kind of person or maybe, I don’t like myself a lot in times when I don’t talk to anyone.

I only ever talk to Kyx and we’d always find our way into arguing about something. Is Mercury in retrograde again or is it just me being me?

If you saw me being all sociable and being present in social gatherings, expect not to hear from me for days or weeks. Normal ko yun.

I just wish I can go back to talking more and writing more. Idk.

Regarding my previous post, the only thing I can think of to just get out of the current slump I am is to do the following:

  • Usually, I get home at around 7:45 in the evening. After tea, I would do Yoga and skincare while watching Scandal.
  • I’d probably inject a chapter or 2 of a book before heading to bed.
  • I’d schedule my watercolour practice on Thursday or Friday nights every week.

I guess this is the first step in moving forward instead of allowing myself to get stuck. What do you think?

Slump!

Just trying to schedule everything I want to do on a daily basis or on weekends make me so mad because I have no enough time to do whatever the hell I want to do. With this 8-5 job (actually a 9-6 and other times, flexi schedule but you get it right?) I can’t seem to do stuff I used to do. Or let’s not blame the job, let’s blame it all on me because I am the problem to be honest hahahahah.

I want to do so many things even though I don’t have enough time for all of it. There’s just too many books left unread and it keeps piling up to the point that I have to pass on Big Bad Wolf because it’s a burden and it’s frustrating for me to keep buying books I would never have read (or maybe will be able to read a lifetime from now) also, there’s so many episodes in a series I love left unwatched and it’s such a pain in the butt to catch up on it because, gahh I’m already so sleepy and grumpy every night after work. Not to mention that there’s still so much watercolour left so I can paint more pictures and learn more techniques yet it sits on my makeshift watercolour table and I have not touched it in months!

I am on a slump and I don’t know how to get out of this slump I am in. It’s just that the only free time I have is on Sunday and Sunday means church day and when I get back home after church, it’s either I need to do Yoga or meet up with friends or whatever. I’m not complaining, it’s just that if I could have more time for myself… huhuhu.

Also, I only ever get to talk to a few friends on social media and the rest is all blurred out because my schedule is as tight as.. I can’t think of a term that’s “tight” and decent enough to use so. Idk.

Basically, my life so far is not a mess but I am stuck somewhere and I can’t find my way out! HALP!

Iyakin and God’s Love

If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s crying. I get so emotional over things so easily. From simple and petty things to huge things, expect me to cry.

Whenever I meet people for get togethers, events or stuff like that, expect me to feel drained and overly emotional for the next couple of days. I’ll shut down for a while and will not talk nor be interested in anything at all. All these happens when I am drained from too much social activities or I got disappointed on a situation and I can’t quite grasp on an idea so I shut down.

Saturday was my college friend’s bachelorette party. It was so fun! After not seeing these people for years, I got to spend time with them which is UH-MAY-ZEHNG! Went home a bit drunk and happy but my heartburn is acting up because of tequila and with little to no sleep at all, my head was pounding. I missed church and the birthday party of my godson Alex. Monday, I missed work (not that I feel bad but hahaha)

So nothing went my way yesterday. It was crappy. It was a bad bad day. I can’t talk about it yet but it was just so bad that I ended up crying then falling asleep and then waking up to cry once more.

I was not able to eat dinner because I kept thinking why I was acting so dumb? Why am I still crying over crappy things? So while Kyx was eating dinner, I sat quietly, wiped my tears away and talked to God. I asked God what is he trying to tell me. Why do I still have to wait when I can get it instantly? Why do I have to wait when obviously, I need it ALREADY?! Then it’s like my mind suddenly began working again. My brain cells are energized and my heart is not as heavy when I realized that maybe, God is making sure I really want this. That he is assuring me of his perfect plans, that he’s never late because he’s always on time and how can I forget that? How for a split second can I forget that his plans are better than mine?

Did you think I stopped crying? I cried once more. HAHAHAHA but because I am overwhelmed with how God shows his love for me.

Then I stopped crying and proceeded on catching up with Scandal. Heh

 

I am 26, Fat and Ugly

If I have not said it enough, I’ll say it again. I haven’t been 26 for a good 24 hours when people screwed it up for me. HAHAHAHA. I can’t remember if I enjoyed my birthday week but yeah, that happened. To those who have just been following me, here’s a summary of my heart breaking story (ang arte ng heart breaking lels)

  • I was so excited for my birthday. I am looking forward to it for the first time after I turned 7. I don’t know. I hate celebrating my birthday cause I feel old and shit but this was actually the first time that I was excited.
  • I went out with my friends and we had a BLAST.
  • The next day, they pitted on me and fought me. One (ex) friend took screenshots of our past conversations ranting about other friends etc and then they brought up our past issues and dug through the shit we didn’t like about each other 100 years ago. The funny thing is everyone did JUST THAT and I’m the only one being hated hehehe.
  • So after my birthday, I was so traumatized and I fell into my anxiety and depression. I had no one (that’s what I thought hehe
  • Everything was a disaster. I blamed myself for everything (only to realize that no, I am not the one to blame here hehehe. I mean oo I did things but to be blamed for everything? Lol)
  • It was sooo bad that I hated myself for a while. I was so stressed, I couldn’t sleep well, I gained SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT and my skin broke out sooooo bad as in GRABE. Fat and ugly, that’s what I am. No exaggerations, as in swear haha (photogenic lang ako kaya hindi obvious lels)

But since that day, I pushed myself to recover. It is a long process and I’m still trying to fully recover from the trauma it left me but at least now, I am on a better state. I am losing weight, I am not breaking out anymore (though the blemishes are still there but haha nawawala na sila)

So, am I excited for my birthday even after all the shit I went through that for sure, I will never forget (kasi syempre kaakibat ng birthday ko ang ganap na iyon diba) indeed I am.

I’m way past being scared like a shitty asshole. I am going to be okay from now on and I’ll be fine. Hopefully, on my birthday in April I’ll be “27. Wiser and Finer” (lol ahahah anudaw ahah)

Good vibes lang!

This Is Reality

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

  1. You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.
  2. They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!
  3. Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.
  4. Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)
  5. You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.

**