My Year for The Lord

When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.

My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.

Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.

This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.

Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!

For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!

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Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.

7 Things for 2018

Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.

  1. I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
  2. I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
  3. I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  4. I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
  5. I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
  6. I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
  7. I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.

Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.

“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe


I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.

**

I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!