Why do I even want to attempt an anonymous blog when I want to post photos here? Hayy self.
Anyway, I’m sharing with you photos from last Saturday. It was a fun night, a night that we would surely remember. It was not super fancy or eventful but the simplicity of it made an impact that I will remember forever.
Aside from the fun we all have, I realized a lot of things and friendship plays a big part in this.
Remember about 4 months ago, I struggled and the main issue is with my own friends for 15 years? Now, I feel like I am really recovering from the loss and the unnecessary pain I felt.
Last Saturday, I realized how blessed I am to have friends that will support and love both me and Kyx. We have 6 friends whom I invited to join us for Ramen and surprise Kyx—and they were there. They took some of their time from their busy schedules just so they can make one person happy (two at that because it made me very happy that they wanted to make Kyx happy!)
Then at Angge’s art show, we—her friends were there. We supported her because we love seeing our friends succeed in their career. I love how I saw Angge contented and happy that night. I know very little of her struggles just so this art show would come out as a success but I know that she went through a hella ton of shit and seeing her smile and goof around like she always does (no matter how crazy life is unfolding in front of her eyes) made me really proud.
I’ve only known Angge for a good 3 years but I have learned that the amount of time does not affect how a friendship would go. Angge is originally Kyx’s friend and I just became her friend because Kyx and I got together hahahaha.
Pero gets? That night, I was happy. I was showered with friends, seeing them smile and seeing them happy made me happy. I still have good friends despite the fact that I’ve lost so many along the way. It doesn’t really matter now because what matters is what I have than what I lost.
Due to certain circumstances, precious and important people may be cut loose into your life. Though it’s a painful and sad thing, life works the way it should and we learn from these things.
It is necessary to be left behind. People will need to walk away from you for several reason you probably wouldn’t understand instantly but there’s so much to learn from these things that you get to grow and be a better person.
I have lost so many friends that are precious to me. Some have been my friends for over 15 years! Trust me, it was so painful but it did teach me a lot of life lessons that I now know. I wouldn’t have learned it if it wasn’t for losing people I love, right?
I tried to make up for the things I have done wrong but sadly, those things are not guaranteed to make the cut. That then led me to the realization that indifference and lost friendship will linger for a while until the hands of time can heal all that was wounded and pained from the emotional battles of the past.
I still do not understand why everything went down so hurtful and hateful like that. But I guess I stopped trying to understand. Maybe it was really meant to happen like that.
Instead of objective criticism, instead of a resolution and finding an improvement to your character from other’s point of view, they use insults to spite you. They use attacks on your character, self-esteem, beliefs, values and life choices.
It’s safe to say that I have my fair share of shit and insults thrown at other people back in the day. Aside from being immature, I was certainly in a bad place. I hate myself, I hate life, I hated everything and so it reflected who I was becoming. I then realized soon enough that it was such a bad thing to live life the way I was doing so I ended up changing my ways, learning through my mistakes and trying to be a better person. You see, there’s no written rule about manners and life. It’s like we just know what’s good and bad and we use our better judgment. So when we get insulted, we see it as something negative.
It’s like we’re automatically triggered and we put our foot down trying to defend ourselves and prove them otherwise. But can you imagine how much energy would go to waste? Imagine the drama and emotional terror you’re putting yourself into? There are certain circumstances that you shouldn’t back down especially if it’s right through the heart kind of attacks (but still, use better judgment okay?)
However, when you find yourself in a situation like this. Although hurtful, try your best to rationalize things first. Try not to question your way of life just yet, think things through and don’t react. As much as possible, just let them insult you. Let them insult you ‘cause why not?
Don’t let your frustrations drag you down. You deserve more, you deserve better than that.
Sharing with you another watercolor painting I did on this rainy Saturday evening.
Concept was originally from Ate Enon De Belen
Paper: Canson watercolor paper (student grade)
Watercolor: Winsor and Newton Cotman 45 pan set
Brushes: Martol brushes no. 1,3 and 5
In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.
Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on.
You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.
For someone with anxiety problems, I do not like anticipating anything. Good or bad, it feels the same and it does the same to my head and my heart.
This is how it is for me, I don’t know if this happens to anyone with anxiety disorder but it happens to me whenever I have anxiety attacks. Also, so you can stop imagining anxiety attacks as panicking and being crazy, crying or rocking—that’s not always the case.
- During my anxiety attacks, I’d stare out blankly in space and most of the time, Kyx would notice and ask me what I was thinking or if something is bothering me. Deep inside, my head is in chaos! It’s thinking of a lot of things, jumping to all conclusions possible!
- I can’t seem to comprehend eve in the simplest things said to me. I need to have them repeat what they told me so I can understand.
- When I try to calm myself down, my heart beats even faster than ever. I experience shortness of breath, my head is pounding, I am breaking cold sweat and I can’t seem to move normally. I feel sick and it helps when I lie down.
- I have no appetite and I feel like I wanna throw up.
So that’s why I don’t like the feeling of anticipating something because it often leads me to anxiety attacks and I hate that feeling. Nobody likes that feeling!
Yesterday, I talked to someone and sent that someone a lengthy message now I am anticipating the reply and I hate that. If only I can stop myself. If only I can stop expecting a response.
Welcome back, human. You’re here again and hopefully you’ll stay in your realm of acceptance, understanding and happiness.
You may have probably crawled pitifully your way back but the important thing is that you’re here now, here again.
Life will continue to go on and though you have recovered from an ugly past filled with pain and suffering, it doesn’t mean that you won’t go through shit again. It will still be a mix of fun, laughter, sadness, loneliness and happiness but the thing is, you’re much more experienced now and well—stronger.
This is why you shouldn’t let the pain, hurt and trauma hunt you on your way towards a brighter future. There isn’t a promise of not going through a painful and traumatic experience in life again but more often than not, you would usually let it hunt you down and that’s not what you need to do.
You have to be able to look at each experience with joy in your eyes, you have to be able to put the fear, pain and hurt in your hands and feel it. You have to be able to acknowledge it so that you can easily let it go without fearing the memory of it. Accepting it takes courage and a huge chunk of self-love. These things, the things that caused you pain should be treated as your very own bedrock. The bedrock that you will use for growth. The very ground that you plant yourself in, in order to grow and become a better person.