One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!


Throwback Thursday: Angst-y Teen Part 1

I wrote a bunch of lyrics from songs as a snippet of my angst-y teenage years but it may have been too much to bear for readers so I’ll probably just break it down and write entries about it from time to time.

I was looking back at my younger self. I was 13 to 18 years old, 100 pounds emo and angst-y and angry at the world. I don’t growl at people but I just really wallow on every single emotion I have HAHAHA. It’s so cringe-worthy to even write about it because some might say I’m still as emo as I was but guys, my “emo” in the emo phase is not a joke. As in swear na sobrang emo ng emo ko HAHAHA.

I’ll share with you 5 snippets of song lyrics that help me get by in all those years hahahahah.

“I got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match, what a catch, what a catch. And all I could think of is the way I’m the one who charmed the one who gave up on you” –What A Catch, Donnie, Fall Out Boy

“Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there’s just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one.” – Only One, Yellowcard

“I remember the look in your eyes when I told you that this was goodbye. You were begging me not tonight, not here, not now. We’re looking up at the same night sky and keep pretending the sun will not rise. We’ll be together for one more night somewhere, somehow. If I could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run forever” – Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard

“Chase the moment for forever. Defense is paper thin just one touch and I’d be in too deep now to ever swim against the current , so let me slip away” – Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

“Please don’t walk away, please tell me you’ll stay, use me as you will, pull my strings just for a drill. And I know I’ll be okay though my skies are turning grey – Your Guardian Angel, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

I have a lot of other song lyrics to post next time. What are the music you listen to when you were a teenager?

Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Nagdadasal ka ba pag gising na pag gising mo?

Matic kasi ako na bago matulog at pag gising na pag gising, si God ang kinakausap ko. Para siyang silent listener. Kuda ako ng kuda, kinukwento ko sakanya yung mga nararamdaman ko, yung mga nangyari, mga naiisip ko. Araw araw humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran para sa mga nagawa kong hindi maganda tapos susundot ako ng mga request lalo na about health and strength.

Minsan kahit paulit ulit na nga yung sinasabi ko sakanya hindi ko pa rin maalala. Parang nabubura sa memorya ko. Hindi ko alam kung sa sobrang antok ko ba o kasi kung ano ano lang sinasabi ko?

Pero tuwing gitna na ng araw, binabalikan ko yung oras na nagdasal ako nung gabi at nung umaga. Inaalala ko kung ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa Panginoon.

Kanina napaisip ako tapos tandang tanda ko yung dasal ko.

“Lord, ayoko na. Ayoko na silang maisip. Ayoko na silang mapanaginipan ulit. Ayaw ko na”

Tapos ngayon nung inaalala ko yang mga sinabi ko, para bang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Ano ba ako unconsciously? Sa mga oras na mahinang mahina pa ang katawan at isipan ko, ano ba akong klaseng tao? Iniisip ko tuloy, malungkot ba ako? Broken pa ba ako on the inside? Hindi ba ako masaya? Hindi pa ba ako tapos magluksa sa mga taong buhay na namatay lang sa buhay ko? Ano na ba??

Pero bigla ko din naisip na kahit sa mahinang estado ng katawan ko, half asleep man ako, malakas pala ang puso kong kumawala sa mga nakakasakit. Akala ko martyr lang ako habang buhay na kahit gaano kasakit handa akong magpatawad at tanggapin ang mga taong nanakit sa akin ng buong puso. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagbabalik ng mga taong umiwan sakin. Matagal kong iniisip, hinahangad na baka magkaroon ng twist ang storya ng buhay ko, nab aka kapag may ginawa ako at kinausap ko sila, pinuntahan sa bahay o trabaho, mababago ang ihip ng hangin. Magkakaroon ng happy ending.

Pero iba na ngayon.

Alam kong kung hindi man ibigay ng panginoon ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng second chance sa pagkakaibigang iyon, matatag ako. Kaya ko. Kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko na silang isipin, ayaw ko na silang mapanaginipan ulit.

Changing and Changing

And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde!  Whoohoo!!

So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).

Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.

Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.

It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…

It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:

  • Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
  • Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
  • Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
  • Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!

This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!

With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.

This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.

And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.

There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!

What A Freaking Fantastic Week!!!

August 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

Disclaimer: I tell my story the way I like to hahaha and that’s my excuse for magulong story telling. mehehe

August 21

The day Kyx and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. Our anniversary falls on a Wednesday, a work day + number coding. So since we both didn’t have to work on the 21st, that’s when we decided to eat out and sort of shopped a little.

August 22

Kyx gave me his letter + anniversary gift and I cried a little before sleeping. We both didn’t have a nice day because apparently, hindi pa kami tapos from our argument last weekend. Sooo. Hahah. Oh well, Happy Anniversary!

August 23

PARAMORE CONCERT!!! We bought our tickets back in November 2017 for the February concert but they had to cancel because of Hayley’s health. Anyway, I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS CONCERT!!!!

Especially that Kyx and I finally got over our argument last weekend and this is like the cherry on top of our anniversary.

I was on leave, went to pick Airah from Glo 4, went straight to MOA Arena; thank goodness for parking slots. (We were so worried that parking might be challenging, but hindi naman so all is well)

Snacked on Turks and popcorn and then the how started exactly at 8pm. Of course there was a front act and then Paramore came out of nowhere and sang their first song, Grudges. I like the song because it talks to me about forgiveness and old friendships. I am still praying for those people and I hope I myself wouldn’t have grudges anymore.

Then they played Still Into You. That’s when I lost my shit. Kyx and I were singing our hearts out so crazily because yes, that’s in fact, our song. HAHAHA.

All of their songs were still amazing. I loved it and I’m so glad we were able to watch it.

It ended at around 10pm. Airah, her sister Lee, their cousin, me and Kyx went for late dinner at Mister Kabab. It’s good food but pretty expensive than the Mister Kabab at Pearl Drive.

Verdict: This day was super amazing!!!!!

August 24

Worked and had a meeting then went to shop for gifts, went home, slept.

I was still so fucking tired from the concert last night kaya I just slept. Lol.

Verdict: Fun day but still tired.

August 25

Went to our friend’s baby shower. Got stuck in traffic and cried inside because I kept thinking about my life, where I am going, how I can still improve myself, how I can continue to heal and become better. All sorts of evaluation, feeling left out and shaking it all off. Hayy. But by the end of the day I grew super grateful and it felt like all my questions were answered!

I got to spend the day with my best friend, Gert and our grade school friends from SPCP. (side note: super excited for our friend giving birth next month! Nakakaloka!!!)

I also got to go out with our friends from Kyx’s side naman. We drank and ate at Tas Roofdeck in Paranaque and got home at around 4 in the morning.

Again, it was a super fun day. I drank one glass of Peach sangria and a bottle of Pale maybe that’s why hindi ako agad inaantok haha.

Verdict: grateful, loved and comforted. It was a blessed and fun day!

August 26

REST DAY. I am not feeling well so I just slept the whole day away and watched a few movies online with Kyx!

August 27

National Heroes Day and I got to spend it with my hero—my mama. I took her out on a date. We watched Crazy Rich Asians, shopped a little and ate dinner at her favourite place for merienda—Luk Yu En.

It was also Kyxarie’s mom’s birthday and we had lunch at their house pala. Hehe.

I am praying for more weeks like this. Just light and fun filled with time spent with family and friends. Hayyy. Thank you, Lord for this week! Definitely one for the books AGAIN!

Mercury Retrograde Hitting Us Hard + What a Saturday/Sunday!

Okay, let me start off by saying that I cannot wait until Mercury finishes its retrograde. I can’t emphasize enough how stressful it has fucking been!!

Saturday – I was supposed to be at home but I had to work on a few articles in the office so I had to go to work. It’s not at all that bad, my day went like a breeze and it’s alright. Fast forward to going home.

Went home, had a handful of cashews for merienda and waited for my mom. We just had a quick chitchat and Kyx and I agreed on going with our friends to a gig in Paranaque.

As I was changing my clothes and getting ready for it, I realized that most of my good stuff were at my mom’s house and I have nothing but office clothes at Kyx’s house. He suddenly blurted out “magpapayat ka na kasi para hindi ka mahirap bihisan”. Right then and there it only took 5 seconds for me to go ape shit on him. I was so wild I had to find it in me to control myself. It was so hard because I want to rip him apart! As in gagoooo ka baaaa???? Are you fucking body shaming me???? As in I want to strangle him so bad, I want to turn into a hyena and just wag him off from my mouth like fucking crazy. I was so mad.

(just a disclaimer: I have been on a diet for so long but losing weight is just so hard. If only I have all the time in the world, I’d go boxing 24/7 but I have 6 days of work in a week, traffic is so bad in Metro Manila, healthy food is super expensive, so tell me? Would it be easy to fucking work out after a stressful day at the office + 2 hours travel time? Not to mention boxing is also expensive! I do workouts at home and even Yoga but it won’t help me lose a ton of weight in a flash okay? Okay fuck you okay? Ahah)

We were arguing for a good 2 hours or so and we had to cancel with our friends because I was crying so hard and Kyx was also angry at himself and in the whole situation.

(As in ang lala. Nagaaway kami because I was so fucking hurt with his stupid comment. Like????) and it escalated pa because he retorted that he wants to be proud of me daw and I went ape shit again kasi ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME YET? Hahahah as in tangina, I am doing the best I can and I’m losing weight because I want to, not because people want to look at me and say I’m pretty and hot and sexy??? So???

As in hindi natatapos. I don’t know how it happened but Kyx apologized and I cried some more. He explained himself and told me he wasn’t body shaming me (eh ano lang?!?!?!?!) and said na maybe his words weren’t right or maybe he could have said it better and after 2 hours, we’re ready to go.

Of course we didn’t make it to the gig and so we just hung out at a restobar in the streets of Makati. Chill place, awesome friends to hangout with, overall good shit. We even played beer pong. Airah and Digs came too. It was a fun night until that home along da riles experience.

After drinking, around 2 in the morning, we decided to eat at SEX (Sinangag Express located in Makati), we all had a few drinks, we decided to Waze our way to SEX. Fucking Waze led us to the PNR riles and it went downhill from there.

We were panicking so hard but Kyx managed to find the road back, reached SEX and we’re good.

UNTIL we saw that our tire was slashed!!!!

Kyx thinks it was slashed by bolts or the train thing from the railway. Naloka ako. The tire is so fucking flat. As in.

Kyx had to change the tire and it was a fucking funny experience. Good thing Kyx knows everything he needs to know with basic car stuff like this. Hayyyyy. We were almost fucking doomed! Hahahaha (akalain niyo sa payat niyang yun he managed to change his tires! haha okay, stop with the body shaming thing)

Our friends were there and they helped us, laugh with and at us. Kakaloka!

We got home at around 5 in the morning and overall, it was a fun Saturday/Sunday. It’s just a crazy weekend. But I can’t say I hated the experience, I somehow learned a lot from everything that happened and I loved how the day turned out. (Kahit we will shell out 20k because Kyx wanted a new set of tires na HAHAHA)

I guess the good thing was that even though the situation is so stressful, no one was in a bad mood. As in everyone was laughing like crazy and trying to get out of this bad tire situation–even Kyx was laughing his ass off! God’s grace saved us that day. ❤