The Enemy Who Turned Out To Be My Bestie

There are rare cases when your enemy becomes your best friend and our case is something like that. Well it was inevitable to say the least.

When we were children, he was forced to play with me all the time because I am this annoying brat that wanted a playmate but there were no kids in our area that time so I’d be in my inflatable pool every day bathing with my Barbie dolls and he will be forced to play with my dolls as well. It won’t last long because he will want to annoy me by including his GI Joes in the game and then kill my dolls. I’d end up crying and pool time and doll time will be over. Looking back I think his goal is to make me cry so that my stupid game would finally end. HAHA.

Both he and I will never forget this. We were playing upstairs while mom is fixing dinner. It was a wrestling match, I think I hit him too hard in the head or something which made him do the kaltok. Kinaltukan nya ako ng malakas and it was so painful. I was screaming for mom and he said mom wouldn’t believe me because there won’t be an evidence from the kaltok and so being the brilliant 6 years old that I am, I bit myself in the arm and told my mom that he bit me. HAHAHAHHHAAHAHHA. It wasn’t funny back then but it was NOW. HAHA. He thought I was pure evil and he can’t believe I played him like that. Kids. Hahaha

There were so many instances that we’ll fight about petty things, some were funny to think about now, some were super cringe-y that I don’t even want to remember it anymore. mehehhe. We went through a lot like from my maldita childhood days to the brat angsty teenager. From comedy, drama to horror (remember when we heard footsteps upstairs and you were arrogant enough to yell at the footsteps telling the entity to come down because we were not afraid and then the footsteps from downstairs went to the stairs and we ran outside the house because WHAT THE FUCK? HE REALLY WENT FUCKING DOWNSTAIRS BECAUSE OF YOU)

But as we grew older, we stood by each other a lot. There were so many fights between the two of us but I guess, blood is really thicker than water most of the time. I don’t think I’ll ever love a guy human being as dearly as I love this guy. He is definitely the bestie everyone would wish for.

Pinagtatanggol niya ako sa lahat ng aapi or umaaway sakin. Kahit hindi niya ako bati minsan, basta magsumbong ako sakanya, lagot yung isusumbong ko.

We argue about a lot of things and he’s different from me. He’s so rational, he listens but he makes sure I listen to what he has to say as well. Making me understand how life works and all that crap.

I look up to him so much and he is the reason why I am so inspired to help others. He’s like that—always helping, always sacrificing.

And with that, I am grateful he is alive. Soooo..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST KUYA, ALTHEO!

We used to be enemies and now we’re besties. I love you so much and I pray for your success and more blessings every single day because you deserve it.

IMG_2627IMG_0589IMG_0591Processed with VSCOcam with a6 preset

But no matter how much I love you, I will still blackmail you in the future HAHA.

I hope this day makes you feel special and happy. I hope you don’t get stressed out a lot and I hope this isn’t just another working day for you. Pray and thank God you’re alive and blessed with another year, think of your purpose, reflect on the past years of your life and look! See how far you’ve come already!

Be the light that you always are in other people’s life. Continue to inspire us with your patience, understanding and love. You are a blessing to your family and friends and I hope you know that.

People may not be able to say it like that but that’s true. A lot of people can attest to that and I know they’re grateful for your existence.

I love you always, kuya. You’re the best!

Nakalimutan ko sabihin na thank you sa pagluluto mo para samin, paglibre mo, pagbigay ng mga gusto ko bwahaha

P.S. I love your birthday kasi holiday sa Pinas bwahahha!

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Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Hello!!!!!!!

I said it so many times then find myself relapsing and being sad all over again right? But this time, I am so thrilled to share with you all that I finally found myself all moved on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANG WILD.

I prayed for this day to come long enough. There were so many hopeless nights that I would cry stupidly, praying that God may grant me healing, forgiveness and peace of mind. I kept praying and crying and praying and crying over and over and over again. I waited for this day to come. I hoped for this day to come, to finally close that sad sad chapter in my life.

So how did this day finally arrived? In the latter days of 2017, I vowed to keep focusing on the things I still have, celebrate life and take the painful things as learning experiences and part of growth. I was still a bit sad I think, I was still trying to find closure. Hindi ako matahimik eh.  Then come February, I muster up the courage to find closure with an individual. I found peace in my heart afterwards. I also didn’t want to reach out to others anymore, I feel like I have exhausted all my efforts and maybe it’s not the time to talk to some people. Maybe someday in the future. The good thing is that I finally accepted that fact as well.

A friend from that same circle reached out to me and my heart is overjoyed. I figured I didn’t lose everyone anyway. I have no words to describe how happy I was when that friend messaged me.

In all of those things, in my sleepless nights and desperate call for prayers, I have learned enough to love myself.

  • If people wouldn’t grant you the closure you deserve, make the closure for yourself. You don’t need validation, you don’t need to run after people who have shut you out of their lives already because there will come a time when they will seek for peace of mind and eventually learn to forgive you anyway. They may not still give you that closure you are looking for but the fact that they forgave you already should be enough.
  • If you have forgiven wholeheartedly those who have hurt you, you wouldn’t be running around kicking yourself with guilt. Learn to forgive no matter how much pain they have caused you.

And the most important thing I will live with from now on is not wanting to validate whether a person likes to be in your life or not. Hindi na natin kailangan tanungin yan.

My thoughts are scattered at ang gulo gulo. Itinawid ko nalang. hahah

Nga pala, thank you to everyone who helped me come to this point. I have friends who prayed for me. I have you guys from being blog readers, supporting one another in the blogosphere to being friends, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. So pano? Kitakits na ulit!? 😀

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

Noong Ako ay Bata Pa

Habang nakikinig ako ng mga OST ng Yu Yu Hakusho (Ghost Fighter) naalala ko yung 90s.
Late 90s na ‘to sumikat satin pero ’92 ‘to nilabas ng mga hapon.

’97-98 ko yata tinangkilik ang Yu Yu Hakusho pero tuwing naririnig ko yung mga OST nila, lalo na yung Smile Bomb, naaalala ko yung kung paano ang mundo ko nung bata pa ako.


*nostalgia coming up*

Namimiss ko yung pag-kagising ko, uupo ako sa upuang ratan na tamang tama lang para sa size ng isang 4 years old. Regalo ito sakin ng lola ko, isang set ng ratan na lamesa na may kasamang 3 upuan. Doon ko nilalagay ang mga palayok (palayok palayukan ang tagawa ko) ko, maliliit din na siyang binili ng lola ko sa kung saan, sa palengke ba? Hindi ko na matandaan.
Doo’y maglulutulutan na ako at tsaka magkukunwaring naghahanda ng almusal.

Tuwing maglalakad ako, kakalembang ang 2 maliliit na belles na nasa anklet na bigay sa akin ng tita ko.

Pabalik balik ako mula sa ratan set patungo sa kama ng mama ko at papakainin ko siya ng almusal-almusalan na kunwari’y ginawa ko.

Namimiss ko ding problemahin kung paano ako makakatulog ng tanghali dahil hindi ako inaantok ngunit kailangan sapagkat hindi ako papayagan lumabas at makipaglaro sa mga bata doon sa looban kapag hindi ako natulog ng tanghali.

Sa banig ako matutulog, habang nakikinig ang lolo ko sa transistor niya (bulag ang lolo ko kaya mas mahal niya ang transistor kaysa sa TV nya)

Kapag nagising na ako, papakainin na ako ng kung nong meryendang inihanda ng lola ko pagkatapos ay manonood ng Ang TV at lalabas na. Makikipaglaro ng kung anong laro ang trip ng mga bata sa looban.

Iba yung pakiramdam kapag lumalabas ako non tuwing hapon. Kalma, hindi na mainit ang araw at nakakatuwa ang ingay ng mga bata (baka ako lang natutuwa kasi bata rin ako noon) Pawis na pawis ako parati at madalas pandilatan ng lola ko pag uuwi na ako dahil ang babae daw ay hindi dapat nagtatatarang at nagtatatakbo sa labas. Pero gusto ko eh.

Nakakamiss maging bata. Nakakamiss yung hapon noon. Yung klima, yung kalma. Nakakamiss ang lolo at lola ko. Namimiss ko lahat.

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe


I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.

**

I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!