What A Freaking Fantastic Week!!!

August 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

Disclaimer: I tell my story the way I like to hahaha and that’s my excuse for magulong story telling. mehehe

August 21

The day Kyx and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. Our anniversary falls on a Wednesday, a work day + number coding. So since we both didn’t have to work on the 21st, that’s when we decided to eat out and sort of shopped a little.

August 22

Kyx gave me his letter + anniversary gift and I cried a little before sleeping. We both didn’t have a nice day because apparently, hindi pa kami tapos from our argument last weekend. Sooo. Hahah. Oh well, Happy Anniversary!

August 23

PARAMORE CONCERT!!! We bought our tickets back in November 2017 for the February concert but they had to cancel because of Hayley’s health. Anyway, I AM SO STOKED FOR THIS CONCERT!!!!

Especially that Kyx and I finally got over our argument last weekend and this is like the cherry on top of our anniversary.

I was on leave, went to pick Airah from Glo 4, went straight to MOA Arena; thank goodness for parking slots. (We were so worried that parking might be challenging, but hindi naman so all is well)

Snacked on Turks and popcorn and then the how started exactly at 8pm. Of course there was a front act and then Paramore came out of nowhere and sang their first song, Grudges. I like the song because it talks to me about forgiveness and old friendships. I am still praying for those people and I hope I myself wouldn’t have grudges anymore.

Then they played Still Into You. That’s when I lost my shit. Kyx and I were singing our hearts out so crazily because yes, that’s in fact, our song. HAHAHA.

All of their songs were still amazing. I loved it and I’m so glad we were able to watch it.

It ended at around 10pm. Airah, her sister Lee, their cousin, me and Kyx went for late dinner at Mister Kabab. It’s good food but pretty expensive than the Mister Kabab at Pearl Drive.

Verdict: This day was super amazing!!!!!

August 24

Worked and had a meeting then went to shop for gifts, went home, slept.

I was still so fucking tired from the concert last night kaya I just slept. Lol.

Verdict: Fun day but still tired.

August 25

Went to our friend’s baby shower. Got stuck in traffic and cried inside because I kept thinking about my life, where I am going, how I can still improve myself, how I can continue to heal and become better. All sorts of evaluation, feeling left out and shaking it all off. Hayy. But by the end of the day I grew super grateful and it felt like all my questions were answered!

I got to spend the day with my best friend, Gert and our grade school friends from SPCP. (side note: super excited for our friend giving birth next month! Nakakaloka!!!)

I also got to go out with our friends from Kyx’s side naman. We drank and ate at Tas Roofdeck in Paranaque and got home at around 4 in the morning.

Again, it was a super fun day. I drank one glass of Peach sangria and a bottle of Pale maybe that’s why hindi ako agad inaantok haha.

Verdict: grateful, loved and comforted. It was a blessed and fun day!

August 26

REST DAY. I am not feeling well so I just slept the whole day away and watched a few movies online with Kyx!

August 27

National Heroes Day and I got to spend it with my hero—my mama. I took her out on a date. We watched Crazy Rich Asians, shopped a little and ate dinner at her favourite place for merienda—Luk Yu En.

It was also Kyxarie’s mom’s birthday and we had lunch at their house pala. Hehe.

I am praying for more weeks like this. Just light and fun filled with time spent with family and friends. Hayyy. Thank you, Lord for this week! Definitely one for the books AGAIN!

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Kanlungan

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang kadahilanan ng pag-eemo ko sa kantang Kanlungan. Pero sa tuwing naririnig ko, parang sumisikip yung dibdib ko, parang nalulungkot ako na naiiyak na ewan. Yung boses pa kasi ni Noel Cabangon kasabay ng gitara at bass, ng mga second voice na mukang ako lang nakakapansin. Yung kabuuan nung kanta lalo na yung lyrics parang wiw nakakaewan. Siguro kasi sobrang relatable niya hindi lang about sa isang aspeto ng buhay. Parang ang daming nacocover kagaya ng pamilya, pag-ibig, pag-kakaibigan, oras, alaala. Parang lahat ng memories mo, huhukayin nung kanta, bubulatlatin hanggang sa umiyak ka ng umiyak. Kasi kahit yung mga masasayang alaala nakakaiyak eh. Mga alaala kasama yung mga mahal mo sa buhay na nauna na kasama si Lord, mga taong dating lagi mong kasama pero ngayon hindi na, yung lahat ng alaala na gusto mong balikan pero hindi mo na mababalikan kahit anong gawin mo. Yung feels na parang nag-retreat ka tapos wala kang ibang magagawa kundi balikan lang sa utak mo lahat ng napagdaanan mong masaya at malungkot pero hindi ka na makakabalik sa mismong moment na yun kasi wala na. Lumipas na.

Natatandaan mo pa ba nung tayong dalawa’y unang magkita? Panahon ng kamusmusan, sa piling ng mga bulaklak at halaman doon tayo nagsimulang mangarap at tumula.

Natatandaan mo pa ba inukit kong puso sa punong mangga at ang inalay kong gumamela? Magkahawak kamay sa dalampasigan malayang tulad ng mga ibon. Ang gunita ng ating kahapon.

 

Mga dati kong kaibigan ang naaalala ko dito. Sabay sabay kaming lumaki, pero hindi ko na mababalikan yun at tanging masasayang alaala nalang yung natitira.

Ang mga puno’t halaman ay kabiyak ng ating gunita sa paglipas ng panahon bakit kailangan ding lumisan? Pana panahon ng pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

Mama ko at papa ko naaalala ko dito; Nakakalungkot isipin na tumatanda na yung mga magulang natin. Yung bang dati nakikipaglaro lang sila sayo, sila lang yung mundo at buhay mo, tapos kailangan ka nilang i-let go at some point kasi lumalaki ka na at gusto mong ma-explore pa ang mundo at buhay.

Nakakalungkot isipin na lahat ng bagay nagbabago kahit hindi mo napapansin, hindi mo namamalayan. Derecho lang ang takbo ng oras, walang hinihintay. Kung mabagal ka o mabilis, hindi mag-aadjust ang oras para sayo. Hanggang sa pag lingon mo, ang dami mong napalampas na mga pagkakataon, mga times na sana nakasama mo pa ng matagal yung pamilya mo.

Ngayong ikaw ay nagbalik, tulad ko rin ang iyong pananabik. Makita ang dating kanlungan, tahanan n gating tula at pangarap, ngayon ay naglaho na. Saan hahanapin pa?

Dito naman, mga kapatid ko yung naaalala ko. Yung hindi pa kami magkakahiwalay, yung hindi pa komplikado ang buhay. Mga bata pa kaming walang alam sa future, sobrang idealistic namin na ang iniisip naming ay hanggang sa pag-tanda, magkakasama kami. Hindi pala ganoong kadali ang buhay.

Lumilipas ang panahon, kabiyak ng ating gunita, ang mga puno’t halaman bakit kailangang lumisan? Panapanahon ng pagkakataon maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

At lahat ng mga kapamilya ko, mga tiyahin, tiyuhin, mga alaala, mga masasayang moments, mga nakakaloka at nakakalungkot. Dito ko yun naaalala lahat.

Siguro ang reflection ko sa kantang ito ay yung pag-checherish sa mga moments na meron tayo. Tuwing may chance tayong makasama yung mga mahal natin sa buhay, huwag natin i-take for granted kasi hindi natin alam kung hanggang kailan ba sila nandiyan. Hindi natin alam kung mabibigyan pa tayo ng ibang pagkakataon para makasama ulit sila. Tapos lahat ng mga moments, pagkakataon na meron tayo, hindi na natin yun mauulit. Kahit yung feeling na na-feel natin sa mismong moment na yun, hindi na mauulit kasi ibang feeling naman yung mararamdaman natin sa ibang pagkakataon. Lahat ng lumilipas, lumipas na. Hindi na mauulit yung mismong oras na yun. Huwag natin masyadong inaalala ang future, let’s cherish our present kasi minsan lang to sa buhay natin. Ang lunes ngayon ay iba sa lunes sa susunod na linggo, tandaan mo yan.

Tapos, matapos ang kanta, iiyak nalang ako ng iiyak HAHAHA. Joke. Masyado kasi akong maraming feelings kasi sobrang sentimental kong tao. Hindi ko na siguro maaalis sa akin yon kasi kahit maliliit na bagay at alaala, tinetreasure ko yun eh. Kaya kapag naaalala ko, very meaningful sa akin, nasesenti talaga ako. Kayo ba, nasesenti ba kayo sa Kanlungan? Ano yung mga kantang nagpapasenti sa inyo?

Please Help Baby Ace

My cousin, Ace Cargado who is barely 3 months old was born with a rare disease called Prune Belly Syndrome.

According to rarediseases.org

Prune-Belly syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett syndrome, is a rare disorder characterized by partial or complete absence of the stomach (abdominal) muscles, failure of both testes to descend into the scrotum (bilateral cryptorchidism), and/or urinary tract malformations. The urinary malformations may include abnormal widening (dilation) of the tubes that bring urine to the bladder (ureters), accumulation of urine in the ureters (hydroureter) and the kidneys (hydronephrosis), and/or backflow of urine from the bladder into the ureters (vesicoureteral reflux). Complications associated with Prune-Belly syndrome may include underdevelopment of the lungs (pulmonary hypoplasia) and/or chronic renal failure. The exact cause of Prune-Belly syndrome is not known.

Right now, baby Ace needs immediate medical attention and an operation because this baby is now holding on for dear life. Instead of being confined in a hospital, he is at home because their family cannot afford treatment and confinement.

Baby Ace resides in Nasugbu, Batangas Philippines.

Please help raise funds for his hospitalization in any way you could. Contact me through my Facebook: Aila Cargado or my email xoxaltheac@gmail.com

This means a lot to me and our family. Your prayers are also well appreciated, please pray for baby Ace and his family in this tough time.

P.S. I have yet to find out the exact amount he needs but any amount of your prayers and donation will be well appreciated and we will be forever grateful. Kahit dasal lang.

The Enemy Who Turned Out To Be My Bestie

There are rare cases when your enemy becomes your best friend and our case is something like that. Well it was inevitable to say the least.

When we were children, he was forced to play with me all the time because I am this annoying brat that wanted a playmate but there were no kids in our area that time so I’d be in my inflatable pool every day bathing with my Barbie dolls and he will be forced to play with my dolls as well. It won’t last long because he will want to annoy me by including his GI Joes in the game and then kill my dolls. I’d end up crying and pool time and doll time will be over. Looking back I think his goal is to make me cry so that my stupid game would finally end. HAHA.

Both he and I will never forget this. We were playing upstairs while mom is fixing dinner. It was a wrestling match, I think I hit him too hard in the head or something which made him do the kaltok. Kinaltukan nya ako ng malakas and it was so painful. I was screaming for mom and he said mom wouldn’t believe me because there won’t be an evidence from the kaltok and so being the brilliant 6 years old that I am, I bit myself in the arm and told my mom that he bit me. HAHAHAHHHAAHAHHA. It wasn’t funny back then but it was NOW. HAHA. He thought I was pure evil and he can’t believe I played him like that. Kids. Hahaha

There were so many instances that we’ll fight about petty things, some were funny to think about now, some were super cringe-y that I don’t even want to remember it anymore. mehehhe. We went through a lot like from my maldita childhood days to the brat angsty teenager. From comedy, drama to horror (remember when we heard footsteps upstairs and you were arrogant enough to yell at the footsteps telling the entity to come down because we were not afraid and then the footsteps from downstairs went to the stairs and we ran outside the house because WHAT THE FUCK? HE REALLY WENT FUCKING DOWNSTAIRS BECAUSE OF YOU)

But as we grew older, we stood by each other a lot. There were so many fights between the two of us but I guess, blood is really thicker than water most of the time. I don’t think I’ll ever love a guy human being as dearly as I love this guy. He is definitely the bestie everyone would wish for.

Pinagtatanggol niya ako sa lahat ng aapi or umaaway sakin. Kahit hindi niya ako bati minsan, basta magsumbong ako sakanya, lagot yung isusumbong ko.

We argue about a lot of things and he’s different from me. He’s so rational, he listens but he makes sure I listen to what he has to say as well. Making me understand how life works and all that crap.

I look up to him so much and he is the reason why I am so inspired to help others. He’s like that—always helping, always sacrificing.

And with that, I am grateful he is alive. Soooo..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST KUYA, ALTHEO!

We used to be enemies and now we’re besties. I love you so much and I pray for your success and more blessings every single day because you deserve it.

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But no matter how much I love you, I will still blackmail you in the future HAHA.

I hope this day makes you feel special and happy. I hope you don’t get stressed out a lot and I hope this isn’t just another working day for you. Pray and thank God you’re alive and blessed with another year, think of your purpose, reflect on the past years of your life and look! See how far you’ve come already!

Be the light that you always are in other people’s life. Continue to inspire us with your patience, understanding and love. You are a blessing to your family and friends and I hope you know that.

People may not be able to say it like that but that’s true. A lot of people can attest to that and I know they’re grateful for your existence.

I love you always, kuya. You’re the best!

Nakalimutan ko sabihin na thank you sa pagluluto mo para samin, paglibre mo, pagbigay ng mga gusto ko bwahaha

P.S. I love your birthday kasi holiday sa Pinas bwahahha!

Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Hello!!!!!!!

I said it so many times then find myself relapsing and being sad all over again right? But this time, I am so thrilled to share with you all that I finally found myself all moved on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANG WILD.

I prayed for this day to come long enough. There were so many hopeless nights that I would cry stupidly, praying that God may grant me healing, forgiveness and peace of mind. I kept praying and crying and praying and crying over and over and over again. I waited for this day to come. I hoped for this day to come, to finally close that sad sad chapter in my life.

So how did this day finally arrived? In the latter days of 2017, I vowed to keep focusing on the things I still have, celebrate life and take the painful things as learning experiences and part of growth. I was still a bit sad I think, I was still trying to find closure. Hindi ako matahimik eh.  Then come February, I muster up the courage to find closure with an individual. I found peace in my heart afterwards. I also didn’t want to reach out to others anymore, I feel like I have exhausted all my efforts and maybe it’s not the time to talk to some people. Maybe someday in the future. The good thing is that I finally accepted that fact as well.

A friend from that same circle reached out to me and my heart is overjoyed. I figured I didn’t lose everyone anyway. I have no words to describe how happy I was when that friend messaged me.

In all of those things, in my sleepless nights and desperate call for prayers, I have learned enough to love myself.

  • If people wouldn’t grant you the closure you deserve, make the closure for yourself. You don’t need validation, you don’t need to run after people who have shut you out of their lives already because there will come a time when they will seek for peace of mind and eventually learn to forgive you anyway. They may not still give you that closure you are looking for but the fact that they forgave you already should be enough.
  • If you have forgiven wholeheartedly those who have hurt you, you wouldn’t be running around kicking yourself with guilt. Learn to forgive no matter how much pain they have caused you.

And the most important thing I will live with from now on is not wanting to validate whether a person likes to be in your life or not. Hindi na natin kailangan tanungin yan.

My thoughts are scattered at ang gulo gulo. Itinawid ko nalang. hahah

Nga pala, thank you to everyone who helped me come to this point. I have friends who prayed for me. I have you guys from being blog readers, supporting one another in the blogosphere to being friends, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. So pano? Kitakits na ulit!? 😀

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!