What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!


Noong Ako ay Bata Pa

Habang nakikinig ako ng mga OST ng Yu Yu Hakusho (Ghost Fighter) naalala ko yung 90s.
Late 90s na ‘to sumikat satin pero ’92 ‘to nilabas ng mga hapon.

’97-98 ko yata tinangkilik ang Yu Yu Hakusho pero tuwing naririnig ko yung mga OST nila, lalo na yung Smile Bomb, naaalala ko yung kung paano ang mundo ko nung bata pa ako.

*nostalgia coming up*

Namimiss ko yung pag-kagising ko, uupo ako sa upuang ratan na tamang tama lang para sa size ng isang 4 years old. Regalo ito sakin ng lola ko, isang set ng ratan na lamesa na may kasamang 3 upuan. Doon ko nilalagay ang mga palayok (palayok palayukan ang tagawa ko) ko, maliliit din na siyang binili ng lola ko sa kung saan, sa palengke ba? Hindi ko na matandaan.
Doo’y maglulutulutan na ako at tsaka magkukunwaring naghahanda ng almusal.

Tuwing maglalakad ako, kakalembang ang 2 maliliit na belles na nasa anklet na bigay sa akin ng tita ko.

Pabalik balik ako mula sa ratan set patungo sa kama ng mama ko at papakainin ko siya ng almusal-almusalan na kunwari’y ginawa ko.

Namimiss ko ding problemahin kung paano ako makakatulog ng tanghali dahil hindi ako inaantok ngunit kailangan sapagkat hindi ako papayagan lumabas at makipaglaro sa mga bata doon sa looban kapag hindi ako natulog ng tanghali.

Sa banig ako matutulog, habang nakikinig ang lolo ko sa transistor niya (bulag ang lolo ko kaya mas mahal niya ang transistor kaysa sa TV nya)

Kapag nagising na ako, papakainin na ako ng kung nong meryendang inihanda ng lola ko pagkatapos ay manonood ng Ang TV at lalabas na. Makikipaglaro ng kung anong laro ang trip ng mga bata sa looban.

Iba yung pakiramdam kapag lumalabas ako non tuwing hapon. Kalma, hindi na mainit ang araw at nakakatuwa ang ingay ng mga bata (baka ako lang natutuwa kasi bata rin ako noon) Pawis na pawis ako parati at madalas pandilatan ng lola ko pag uuwi na ako dahil ang babae daw ay hindi dapat nagtatatarang at nagtatatakbo sa labas. Pero gusto ko eh.

Nakakamiss maging bata. Nakakamiss yung hapon noon. Yung klima, yung kalma. Nakakamiss ang lolo at lola ko. Namimiss ko lahat.

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“God Doesn’t See Me”

Mga hanash ko, drama at iba pang nasa loob ng isip ko. I didn’t even try na ayusin ang composition ko dito. Raw and full of emotions. Bear with me he he he hehehe

I’ve been putting this off for a while that’s why I haven’t been really on the loop. That’s the introvert in me working and it has been like this for me in the past weeks. Okay so klaruhin muna natin, being an introvert doesn’t mean I have to be quiet and shy all the freaking time especially when I like the company of the people I am with however, I don’t always get to be like that because most of the time, I recharge myself. Sa sobrang daming ganap ng life ko, I don’t think I have a lot of energy to socialize and communicate etc etc. Also, don’t tell me who I am. Thank you.

Okay so going back, I have a lot on my plate both work wise, personal wise, family wise, relationship wise, lahat na. At work, though I finished everything before Christmas, we still have to crunch because there are people who will go on leave, on vacation and I need to check their work so ang daming deadlines nila na kailangan ko din habulin and it’s so stressful to be honest. Family wise, you don’t have any idea how much bullshit I have to go through to the levels na gusto namin mag-hibernate ni mama because life at home is stressful. Magpapasko nalang puro pa kabullshitan ang ganap hence the Baguio trip that we had last 21st of December with my aunt (mom’s sister) I was so happy that I chose to go on this trip (kahit hindi ako bayad from 21 until Pasko) because I got to spend more time with my mom, aunt, cousins, nephews and of course, my maarte sister. We don’t go on trips a lot kasi mej praning mom ko sa mga biyahe, she doesn’t like to travel or go on adventures so this out of town trip is one for the books dahil looking forward mom ko dito. Relationship wise, I didn’t have a lot of time for Kyx kasi we were both so busy with all the ganap in life. Siya busy with work, although I get to see him every day naman, but I only get to spend time with him when we’re stuck in traffic pero when we get home, I do my thing (yoga, skincare) then I go to bed immediately. Wala na kaming time for lambingan and all that kasi pagoda tragedy talaga ako nakakaloka.

Like what I said, I enjoyed the Baguio trip so much. Ultimate bonding experience with mom and my aunt’s family, super close kasi kami so it wasn’t awkward, talagang enjoy lang. But I can’t fully enjoy as in yung masaya pati heart and soul ko kasi on the 21st, the brother of my gramps, tatay Zosing, passed away at around 5 in the afternoon. We were on our way to Baguio and I got a call from my dad saying that tatay passed away—that meant he was gone right? That meant I have to let him go and that meant I have to keep my tears from falling because I want to be strong for my dad, for my family. I was sitting idly and I was trying so hard to hold back tears, my stomach clenched and my chest felt so heavy. ANG LALA.

Papa: Anak, kumain ka na ba? Nasan ka?

Me: On the way po sa Baguio with mama.

Papa: Ganon ba Anak? Ingat kayo ni mama mo. Anak, si tatay kasi, wala na siya. Wala na ang tiyo zosing kaninang 5pm.

Me: Ganon po ba pa? Ang lungkot naman po. Huling kita na pala namin ng tatay nung pista.

Papa: Oo nga eh. Ganon talaga anak. Sige, tatawag nalang ako ulit, asikasuhin ko lang muna ditto.

*poker face*

When I hid my phone, my mom immediately said “wala na ang tatay?” I just nodded and tried to sleep.

**tagalog incoming**

Hindi ko alam ano yung mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung maiiyak ba ako o magpapasalamat ba ako sa Diyos na at least, wala nang hirap na mararamdaman yung lolo ko? Ang sakit kasi naaalala ko kung gaano ako minahal non. Kahit apo lang niya ako sa pamangkin niya (pamangkin niya si papa) sobrang mahal ako nung taong yun. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita kasi nasa Batangas sila, hiwalay parents ko, nasa Manila ako, nagkaron pa ng hidwaan sila ng lolo ko (tatay ng papa ko) so ang hirap na wala kaming communication. Napakasakit kasi ang daming oras ang nasayang na hindi kami nagkita at nagkausap manlang eh. Nung umuwi ako sa Batangas nung piyesta sa Nasugbu, nasa ospital na siya at dinalaw ko siya. Huling kita na pala namin yun. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit sakit sakin kasi ayaw ko naman na magalala din si mama sakin. Alam mo yun? Yung tangina nung nararamdaman ko pero di ko malabas kasi wala sa lugar??? Di ko alam. Siguro ako lang to ganon, pero wag niyo sabihin sakin kung paano ako dapat umarte, paano ko maramdaman yung nararamdaman ko and yung ano yung dapat na ginawa ko kasi hindi naman kayo yung nasa posisyon ko.


I was losing it but that’s the thing with people like me, we don’t show it as it is. We try to shrug it off as if we’re okay but in reality, we’re going through a rough time and we just choose to keep it because that’s how we cope with our problems. Hindi lahat ng tao kayang ipakita sa inyo kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na “okay lang yan” kasi hindi okay. Hindi talaga okay. Hindi lahat ng tao pwede mong sabihan na pinagdaanan na yan ng maraming tao, kaya kaya mo din yan kasi kahit kaya ko, magkaiba kami nung taong yun. Magkaiba kami ng personal experiences at ng way kung paano mag-deal sa problems. -_-

So ayun na nga. Sobrang dami kong hanash kasi I never liked celebrating the Holidays kasi every year, it doesn’t feel like I have the right to do so. 4 years na kaming ganito, na may namamatay before, after, Christmas and New Year. I know that it’s not about me, my feelings and my family pero the Holidays is not about just faking to be happy and making beso with relatives that do not even care about me. I just don’t like it.

Kahit nung wala pang mga namamatay sa family namin in that time of the year, ayoko talaga ng Pasko because it’s lonely for me. It reminds me of the lonelye feeling I had when my mom was still in Dubai. She’s not home for Christmas kasi she chooses to be on vacation kapag vacation din namin sa school so birthday ko yun lagi na nandito siya and I’d rather want that than to have her celebrate Christmas with us. Matagal siyang wala for Christmas. 10 years kaming nagpapasko na wala siya so I never liked it, I never felt festive. Pinamumudmuran kami ng pera at regalo ng mga kapamilya namin (I’m not complaining) but it’s not what Christmas means for me. Hindi ako naging mahilig sa pera at regalo because I always loved simple celebrations with mama, kaya yung mga gifts, it’s not something I would choose over my mom, or my family. Ayoko mag-emo shit or magsira ng Christmas mood niyo kaya sinulat ko to after Christmas na.

Ilang pasko pa ba yung ganito para sakin at sa pamilya ko?

Yesterday, Christmas (Happy Birthday, Jesus!) I was having a breakdown. Ang daming masasakit na ganap sa buhay ko, sa lahat lahat tuwing Pasko tapos ngayon sobrang whoooo di ko na kaya. So I cried and cried and cried my heart out. Kyx was comforting me and one thing I loved about the way he comforted me was that he’s not confused. He knows exactly what I’m going through and why I am acting the way I am kaya he’s just there, trying to calm me down. Then I blurted out

“God doesn’t see me. I am suffering, my family is suffering and I just want to feel comforted, I want to be assured that things are happening because it has a greater purpose and not because I am cursed. I feel like God does not see me anymore”

then Kyx started to cry. He told me that God sees me and that even though I am suffering, I am not alone.

“You’re suffering, nahihirapan ka pero tignan mo ako. Di ba nandito din ako? Nahihirapan din ako ‘pag nahihirapan ka. You’re not alone, Ddear. And God sees you! He has plans for you, for us. Don’t ever think that he doesn’t see you and doesn’t want you to be comforted. God is rooting for you.”

So ayan, nagiyakan kami after ng “God doeasn’t see me” hanash ko.

Pero aside sa mga hanash kong ito, I am still grateful. Kahit ang daming painful memories ng pasko at bagong taon para sakin, I am still blessed to have my mom, my sister, Kyx, my friends, my family and people close to me, pati na rin ang mga TFIOB friends ko. I am grateful that despite every shit I have to go through, I still have people who will support me and go through hell and back with and for me. So in a nut shell, laban lang!

Making It a Habit

I’m making it a habit of asking myself “what is this teaching me?” before I react negatively. It helps me a lot especially in trying times!! I didn’t realize before how much stress I put into myself just because I’m too snappy and I react easily. Kainis.

There’s this person that I get to see almost daily and he’s very different from before. He was so welcoming, friendly, sweet and caring but things changed and I don’t know why, maybe there are a lot of factors, maybe I did something that annoyed him, maybe there’s something more than that that I know nothing about. In short, I am clueless as to why he is acting up like that. I tried so hard to analyze it over and over again until I realized I was stressing myself and overthinking things.

  • First off, I am not guilty of anything so why should I bother?
  • Well I bother because I’m that kind of person, right? LOL.
  • He doesn’t make steps to confront me or anyone else if there’s an issue because obviously, there’s an issue and he doesn’t seem to want to address it. So be it. I won’t be the one to address it simply because I didn’t do anything wrong for him to act the way he does. Hah!

So about 3 weeks ago, I was very bothered by his behaviour. Yung hindi namamansin effect? Yung yes or no lang and doesn’t look at me or my sister. He’s been like that for a long time now and idk why so I feel bad that he’s doing that to me and my sister. So what I did was I tried convincing myself that maybe he’s just busy with work, he’s doing a lot of things and di ko na siya magawang ng excuse (LOL ANU NA)

Last night, he wasn’t feeling well so I asked him if he’s okay, he said he’s not okay but he didn’t look at me. I feel like crap to be honest hah! Pero wala talaga akong ginawa sa kanya sooo hahahaha

I asked myself again, what is this teaching me? Why is this person treating me like crap after everything? Why is this person being mean and terrible to me when I am not doing anything? Bigla nalang? If I did something wrong, why not tell me instead of giving me a cold shoulder? Why is this person making me feel like I’m not worth his time and love anymore?

The only answer I could come up with is “Your attitude towards me and the people around us is teaching me to NOT be like that” hahahahaha.

If someone is mean to us, instead of firing back why not let it teach you to be someone better? Diba? If someone is being terrible, it’s saying that we shouldn’t be like that. Just imagine if we were as terrible diba, think about how others would feel if you are THAT terrible.

Do I make sense or di ko siya maexplain? I feel like I need to put a lot of thought before I publish this pero ang plastic ko naman ahahaha.

If that kind of attitude makes us feel like shit, what if we were the one giving that kind of attitude to others? They will feel shitty too, right? So yeah, I feel like it’s teaching me to be the better person here. HEHEHEH. (hindi si Kyx yan I swear hahaha just saying haha)

What Is This Teaching Me?

One of the things that makes a stressful thing even more stressful is the fact that we forget to understand, reflect and ask “what is this teaching me?” Instead, we focus on what stresses us and create more stress by thinking about it instead of actually finding a solution for it.

Earlier today, I was creating a budget strategy and/or budget plan. I am panicking (just a little bit) because I have to pay my sister’s tuition fee and start saving up for next year’s enrolment. This isn’t the first time that I am writing and whining and complaining about it because education is so expensive. As in bakit ba ang mahal ng tuition fee dito?! Why are schools so expensive, why not create an affordable learning system that is of quality and high standards? NKKLK.

So anyway, as the months on my list progress, I feel more and more burdened. Questions like why am I even the one taking the responsibility to pay for my sister’s tuition fee when she has a father very much able to work for her education? Will I be doing this forever? Why am I doing this anyway? Then I felt like everyone is being unfair, why are they not helping me? Mas marami pa nga silang mga pera kaysa sa akin pero bakit ako? As I think of these (negative) thoughts, I suddenly remembered to ask What is this teaching me? Nahimasmasan ako ng slight.

I think that I go on and on and on burdening myself with these thoughts when in fact, I should stop and reflect to calm myself down instead of allowing negativity to rule over my head.

I realized that all these tuition fee problems I am having are not even a problem to begin with. Instead of looking at it negatively, I should see what is it that I can gain from this episode in my life and how I’ll be improving myself moving forward.

I think that it’s teaching me more on how to be selfless. Selflessness is the key to pure love and pure love is the key to all things that is good. Walang sense sinabi ko pero whatever hahaha. Aside from that, it’s teaching me to be more loving and understanding of the people around me. It is teaching me kindness. It is teaching me to be more grateful that I have the means to be able to pay for my sister’s education and that I’m not in debt or helpless. It is teaching me to trust more because God has reasons as to why I am experiencing these things.

I realized how much I let negative things and thoughts consume me when I can just easily turn around and look at the bright side of things. Hay naku.

Let’s Celebrate!

Let me update you guys with how (well) I’m doing with all these moving on thing from my ex friends.

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you know that I have gone through a hell-ish experience the day after I turned 26. That involved cutting off important people from my life and being cut from theirs as well. It also meant saying goodbye to those whom I shared my life for 15 years and that has been a huge struggle for me.

Creating a new Facebook account and instagram actually did help with the healing process. I filtered who I want to keep in both my social media life and real life.

It was hard to focus on healing when I was left seeking for closure. Somehow, I think, I was wanting people to apologize to me thinking that maybe they have realized that they did me wrong even if I know we’ll never be friends again. Maybe I was too hurt to grasp the fact that I didn’t get the apology I needed for my own healing so I felt like I needed closure. I didn’t. Now I know I don’t need it and I can sleep better at night knowing that I did my part.

After so many tears, falling again and standing up for a good 6 months, finally, I can truthfully say, without bitterness, without questions anymore that I have already moved on! I AM SO HAPPY.

Looking back, it would still give me a pinch but I am not angry anymore. I don’t even seek apologies I’d never receive, I don’t even care anymore. It’s like I just totally moved on from being stuck somewhere.

You guys are right. Makakaget over din ako talaga and eto na nga iyon. I don’t miss them anymore, hindi ko na naiisip na if there are things I want to talk about sila yung gusto kong kausapin. Aside from a few friends left that are not part of that circle, I have Kyx. I also have people from TFIOB who I surprisingly admire and trust!! I also have office friends and lastly, I have my mom. So nag-focus na ako doon and hindi na ako nagdu-dwell sa past kasi tapos na iyon at wala na akong magagawa. Kung ayaw nila ng closure at nagawa nila ng walang kahirap hirap, maybe I should do it for myself din diba.  So sobrang happy ako na nakamove on na ako from my sad sappy self. HUHUHUHU dahil diyan, inuman na!