Believing in The Power of Prayer

 

 

Every time I try to write about my religious beliefs, I find myself giving you a disclaimer which seriously needs to stop. But here I go again.

I am not like a hard core Catholic girl. I’m just a strong believer and I respect all religions so don’t think this is something about preaching and convincing people to believe in what I believe in. This is a mere projection of what I have experienced and it is something I want to share.

Before I went to sleep last night, I opened the bible and cut through a random page while my eyes were closed. I pointed my finger to the middle left part of the page hoping to see something that will tap and cut deep to my soul. I slowly opened my eyes with excitement and read where my finger was pointed and it says “If you have faith, it will happen. If you believe, you will get anything you ask for in prayers” –Matthew 21:22

There you have it folks. I slept with a smile on my face ready to welcome the coming days with faithfulness. I think it ends there but it didn’t.

At the office, I randomly shared this experience of mine to my friend, Anne. I told her about the verse and she opened her wallet and took a small laminated thing that bears the bible verse I was talking about. She told me that she’ll be giving me her copy because maybe, this verse is really for me,

After what I have gone through for the past months, I can only say that prayers have helped me get through all the crap (aside from family, remaining friends and you guys my readers) prayers have given me so much strength. No I didn’t feel all mighty and powerful after every prayer I said but somehow, it lightens the burden that I have been carrying over the course of time.

Every day, the moment I wake up, I’d say a prayer of thanks that I have been given another chance to improve myself. Another chance to repent and another chance to give my love to the people who have always been by my side. I’d ask for strength and courage to face the day and in most days that I feel restless, I ask that the Lord would give me physical and mental strength to get through the day.

Every night before I sleep, I’d say a prayer telling Him how my day went. Asking for forgiveness when I did a shitty thing. I also ask for healing to those whom I have hurt and for myself as well. I ask that I be given more days to live (even though I have been obsessed with my own death and suicidal thoughts), I ask that my parents, family and loved ones have a longer life so I could make them feel more of how much I love them. I tell the Lord that if I do not wake up, I hope that He embrace my loved ones and tell them that I am at peace.

These are the usual prayers and even though they are simple and ordinary, I believe that God hears my prayers. I believe in the power of prayers, in good times and in bad.

Happy Father’s Day, Mom!


Being a father is not just being the male parent in the family. It is deeper than that.
As much as I hate to be stereotypical and sexist, society has long been dictating that being a father means providing well for the family, protecting the family, making sure everyone is comfortable and has their needs and so on. All these things are for me, stereotypical and sexist. Even if you have not given your sperm as contribution to make a child, even if you do not have a child, you can be a “father”. You may be a woman, man, lesbian, gay, bisexual etc., you can and you may be a father figure to everyone around you.

And for the longest time, we were raised to not be held captive of stereotypes and gender issues.

I can remember having a conversation with my mom when I was 7 years old. I asked her if I am supposed to have a dad around family day because all my classmates would have their whole family there. (This is not a dramatic conversation. It was bore out of sheer curiosity and innocence) then my mom said “Not everyone has a dad around them and that’s okay. You have a mom who can be both a mom and a dad! So you don’t need to worry, I got you covered! Plus you have 3 big brothers! Meron ba sila non?” so as early as 7 years old, I know for a fact that my mom can be both and I don’t give the slightest flying fuck whether I have a dad figure with me or not.

So in honor of my mom being everything she could be for her children including a teacher, best friend, girl pal, buddy, movie buddy, scientist, doctor, nurse and of course a dad—we, her children make it a point to make her feel that she too could celebrate this day made for “fathers”.

Happy Father’s Day, Ma! You are my hero and I am very very proud of you. I wouldn’t have it any other way, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

Hi Mom!

As I grow older, it becomes more and more real how my mom is my best friend. I used to say she’s my best friend because I know she’s always there for me, she helps me with a lot of things, cooks for me and does a lot of mom-dad stuff for me. Now, I realized how much of an actual best friend she has been!

  1. Just like how a TRUE friend should be, my mom never judges me. My appearance, decisions and choices. She encourages me to build my identity, to grow and learn from my mistakes and has always been with me through everything without judgment!
  2. She makes sure that I am happy and contented with everything. If it seems like I am not, she will point out the things I overlooked and makes sure I am grateful enough no matter how small a thing is.
  3. My mom doesn’t find it awkward to talk to me about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. How cringe-worthy? MAYBE CRAZY CRINGE-WORTHY but I’m glad we talk about everything. From bad attitudes, insights, realizations, reflections to love, sex and BIRTH CONTROL. Man oh man. BIRTH CONTROL. I can’t. HAHAHA.
  4. She cheers me on and makes sure I have a ray of sunshine no matter how gloomy a day can be.
  5. She loves me so much that she shows it every day. We may or may not see each other every day but sure enough, she shows me that I am loved by her.

The world can suck and fck itself but it doesn’t matter cause I am truly blessed I have my mom. I can’t thank the Lord enough how perfect it is that my mama is my mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!

THANK YOU!

It has been what? 2 hours and I can’t even compose a decent ‘thank you’ speech?

Just to be clear and so that I can steer away from my words being twisted again, I’d like to inform you that this isn’t a pity party I want to throw. I was being honest and I didn’t just focus on my side of the coin. So if you feel like I am seeking attention and crying out for help, then you can hop off easily. Also, this blog is not meant to bash, scrutinize or even destroy other people. I didn’t even drop a name. I clearly talked about my experience, the way it happened and oh yes, it was very unfortunate. My mom was so angry. But all should be well and I may have a few more hiccups but at least I am moving forward.

Now, off to what I’ve been meaning to say.

I am overwhelmed with the support I received from people whom I thought I didn’t matter. A lot of my old friends messaged me not to ask for juicy details but to tell me that I’ll be alright. That everything will be fine in time. They didn’t pick sides or bash the people who did me wrong just to make me feel better, instead they focused on how I can be helped.

Your words—no matter how simple they may be are powerful and encouraging for me. It’s part of what keeps me going. I may not be too close to everyone who showed their support but they still ended up making me feel okay, taking their time to read about what I had to say on this blog and messaging me, reaching out, just to tell me I’d be okay.

Some of these people even shared a few of their own experiences and it made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

All that matters now is how I will take this as a learning experience, opportunity for growth and something other people will learn from. I am grateful for the people who stood by me in this dark and tough time of my life, those who didn’t judge my (ex) friends for what they did and who didn’t judge me for what I did before.

Thank you so much for everything. My heart is again, full.

Things You Need To Remember Especially in Low Times

I wrote this on April 6, 2017. A day before my birthday. Even before my (ex) friends pitted on me. My gosh am I a psychic or what?

Sometimes we just can’t have it all, I mean all the time. Life works that way and it’s hard to understand but that’s how it goes.

There are times when I am completely happy and contented, satisfied with everything I have, it seems like I understand both the good and bad and I love myself more then all of a sudden, something happens and the panic attack is back. The anxiety is back and your OCD is not helping. That’s just how it is for me and breathing in and out is not as easy as it should, of course, for someone with anxiety disorder, that’s basically one of the toughest things you need to do in order to “keep your shit together”.

With my ups and downs, I’ll be more intimate in this post. I’m more personal.

  1. In times when I doubt myself being capable of keeping a relationship strong, a friendship smooth sailing. In times I worry about what I’ve said and done and that people might hate me, I’ll have to remember that life isn’t perfect, my friends aren’t perfect, everyone is not perfect and therefore if in any case I did something wrong and I truly regretted it, I shall be forgiven at the right time.
  2. If other people do not like me, so be it. I don’t need to think over and over what the hell did I do wrong, what am I missing and what I did or did not do for me to not be liked the way I wanted to be liked. Because truthfully, people will not like me just as naturally. The same as I wouldn’t like everybody else right? So I have to remember that life works the way it does and I can’t do anything about it.
  3. Heartbreaks are inevitable. It’s a part of life as breathing is and nothing teaches us better than breaking us apart. Romantically, I wouldn’t have learned how to be a better partner to Kyx if I didn’t break my heart years before I met him. I wouldn’t even have met him if I didn’t break my heart right? So really, heartbreaks are blessings in disguise!
  4. When relationships fall apart sometimes, you can’t do anything but accept the fact that even people are temporary in our lives, no matter how important and valuable they may seem to us. In the unexpected turns of life, relationships may fall apart and if there’s nothing else you can do, accept that nothing lasts forever.
  5. I have been betrayed numerous times and I may have betrayed someone as well but the thing about betrayals is that it’s going to hurt but again, like heartbreaks, it’s going to teach you valuable lessons in life. Lessons that you will never forget.

Now, in low times, pick yourself up, read stuff like this, read this entry and you’ll probably feel a lot better.

 

WOAH. So I wrote this even before everything fell apart!!! My gosh, it’s amusing. It’s as if myself wrote an advice for my future self to read!!!

I NEED YOUR OPINION. PLEASE.

I need an outsider’s point of view, no biases. Because I need to wrap my head around something.

This is not a pity party.

If you haven’t heard of my story just yet, please take a peek at these links and you shall find out.

Anyway, life hasn’t been really great lately but I am holding up. Really. I am not crying about it and that’s a huge deal because mostly, I cry about a lot of things, even the simplest ones! So it’s totally an achievement to not cry over things like this. Great.

Here’s the thing:

You’ve been friends all your life, you know each other very well but there were times you threw snide comments, lash out, got irritated and annoyed at one point, maybe a lot of times, but you were there when they needed a friend. You weren’t such a fake ass bitch all along but you had your moments and a fair share of rudeness and bitchiness that you thought was okay at that time. When you felt really bad about what you did, you make up for it and be really nice. But then again, no friendship is perfect and you still blew some parts off. Then you don’t know exactly what triggered everything but then all of a sudden, your friends ganged up on you in a very spiteful manner, sending screenshots of conversations, stuff you told them in confidence, it was so horrible and embarrassing. But just to be clear, it’s not all you. You were with another friend/friends, and that friend is agreeing and throwing snide comments as well in it for the bitch party you may or may not have started. However, you’re the only focus. The things you did and said from years back were pulled through again and was thrown in front of your face for the whole world to see. Again, these people are you friends since forever.

Do you have a “do differently” or you actually deserve it?

I deserve to have lost these people as friends, I know that. But do I deserve what happened? Exactly what happened? Does anyone deserve it? To be treated like that? This is not a cry for help but a call for definite and honest answers. This is not me playing victim, but I really want to understand why. I need to know if you were on the other side of the boat, will you have humiliated your friend as well? Would you have done the same? Please tell me. I really need to know because I’m being pushed over the edge of suicide. I know I wouldn’t do it, but I am just about to open that unpleasant idea. Don’t take this as a warning, I am not warning anyone, I just really want to be honest with what I am feeling and where I stand as of the moment.

I need your answers. It’s important to me. I wanna hear you.

Powerful and Meaningful Advice From My Mom

I am not a talker, I guess. I mean I am quite talkative when I’m writing but say in person? Nope. I keep a lot to myself and most of the time; I bottle my feelings only to have it explode on a later time. A massive explosion at that.

So I was very angry, furious even—the other day and I let myself simmer down just a bit then I messaged my mom and told her why I was on my boiling point. I felt like I really am just talking to a best friend who absolutely understands my point. Like I didn’t have to explain myself to her because she knows me very well.

But what I got from her was a powerful and meaningful message which I can apply to everyday life. My frustrations and disappointments would probably go down the drain if I keep on doing what she told me. She told me this. “Let go. Don’t stress yourself with unimportant things and people undeserving of your concern”. TRUE THAT! AMEN! ATTA GURL!! That’s so true. That’s real talk in millennial speak!

If you don’t stress yourself from unimportant things, you live happily. If you don’t stress yourself with people undeserving of your concern, you don’t get disappointed that often!

It sounds so easy but it isn’t and we all know that. However, if you keep trying it then you might actually master it then the next thing you know is you’re less stressed and happier!

Think about it. I hope this helps you ❤

Xox, T.

Pieces of Advice for a more Positive Day

I’ve recently been stressed out. Ate a lot of chocolates and indulged on Potato chips. Here I am fighting off high blood sugar and I’m dreading what may happen if my blood sugar continues to shoot up, not to mention my cholesterol level at 25 years old. *sigh* Anyway, I’m here to impart something with you guys.

I think everyone realizes this anyway at some point in time but let me just get it out there. I finally understood that everyday may seem to be a struggle but every waking day is a survival game, survival of the fittest. You can’t always let yourself sink and struggle for far too long because the world will turn, day will arrive as well as night, it will rain it will shine. People live and die and what’s going to happen will happen whether you are happy or sad. That’s just how life goes and that’s what makes it both exciting and terrifying. So I feel like aside from all the amazing things life has to offer, I must put in mind (and you do too) that…

  • Every day is a test of faith. I don’t wanna make it sound as if it’s like a win or lose thing, like it’s some kind of examination that you may either pass or fail but I think your faith gets tested from time to time to make you a stronger person. It’s not always in a religious sense, as it also could mean faith on people, on things, on yourself, on your expectations and goals. It’s a test of how much you could make or break yourself in the process. It’s not something to put you down but to lift you a notch higher than your self yesterday.
  • Every day is a test of stronger ties as well. A little similar to faith, only that it pertains to people around you. Your family, friends, loved ones and everyone that helps you get through a tough day and helps you feel like winning in life on every celebration and success. Every day we lose people we love or dear to us not only in the sense of mortality but in the aspect of how close we are both physically, emotionally and mentally. Unfortunately (and may also be fortunately) some people are not meant to be part of our lives anymore, they need to leave us so that new ones can come in and for us to treasure more those who stayed. Every day we meet new people, every day we decide whether we want people to stay in our lives, we decide whether we want to stay in other people’s lives.
  • Every day is a test of self-reliance, confidence, wisdom and knowledge. Every day is a learning experience and at the end of every freaking dark tunnel is a light to self-discovery. Always remember that yes, people are there for you to support you, guide you and be there for you whether you need someone or not but it’s only you alone who can help yourself. You can’t be helped by people if you don’t know how to help yourself, you can’t learn new things if you don’t believe that you can acquire more knowledge. It always starts with yourself first before any other stuff comes in.

So every day is a struggle and a celebration. Every day is a test of faith, stronger ties, self-discovery, knowledge and learning experience. Always choose to move forward and think brightly about things. You may win or lose, but it’s all part of life. Everything that’s happening to you right now is part of how you will be shaped for the future ahead of you. Cheers!

Xox, T.

Weekend Update! February 24-26

What do you say I make a weekend update and actually make it a regular post? Woo!

I am so excited to write about this for a while now and I told myself I’ll squeeze the weekend update on a Monday morning before I bury myself with pending work that I have yet to focus on. Let’s begin!

Friday February 24, 2017

It’s one of the very few “Thank God It’s Friday” days because it’s a Filipino Holiday the following day (Feb 25) which means I don’t have to go to work on that particular Saturday! Woop! So work was quite chill. I figured if I don’t stress myself that much it will always be chill instead of me almost ugly crying every now and then. LOL. So like I said, it was a chill day and I was ecstatic to end the day already. Because Kyx said we’d go have dinner together which is rare on Friday nights! He picked me up from work before 7pm and we went to SM Aura (it’s a Mall near my office) and decided to eat there. I was looking forward to trying the Poke Poke Manila because I was trying to really really eat healthy after finding out the results of my blood chem (omg I have not told you guys yet about it have I? wait. I’ll write about it now) REWIND TO THURSDAY! I went to get my Blood Chem/ Blood Work results and even though I am clueless as to how I should read it, it wasn’t that hard to know that my results are not good enough especially it has the “normal range” side VS my own test results side. All of the other aspects of my blood chem is normal except for BLOOD SUGAR and CHOLESTEROL LEVEL. I weigh really heavy for my height, Idk why, aside from a very strict diet, I follow a workout routine and yet I still find it hard to lose all the weight. The doctor said it was genetics and constantly following my strict diet and workout would actually pay off as long as I do it DAILY. I’m, guilty of skipping workout days especially if I feel too tired or exhausted from work. Anyway, now I have to look after my weight, blood sugar level and cholesterol level for a month! I have several supplements and tea and another strict dinner plan to observe and fingers crossed, I get by and have good results by the end of March. OKAYYY SOOO GOING BACK TO FRIDAY. Since I need to really really really really eat healthy now, I decided to try the Poke Poke Manila. They have different Poke Bowls and I’ll show you in a picture below how it looks like. There are many poke bowls to choose from and I chose the “dragon” one. It consists of quinoa, salmon, tuna, unagi, mango, cucumber, mangonnaise. Sriracha. I also partnered it with a cold pressed fresh juice made up of apple, lemon, beets and ginger. I wasn;t able to finish the Poke Bowl because the serving is really big so I had to ask them if I can have it on a to-go bag which they willingly did so for me. The Poke Bowl and Juice was very expensive for my own liking but I can’t complain, quality is really good. What bugs me is why are healthy food so expensive and the unhealthy ones so cheap we end up being very unhealthy in the long run? Oh well. I just hope someday the world turns and then healthy food would be affordable! I enjoyed our dinner. Oh, Kyx had Frankies, he ate chicken wings and rice and more chicken wings and coca cola yet he remains on 40kg. (Talk about lean and very very lean LOL) After dinner, we bought a gift for our godchild and went home to watch movies!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Woke up about 10-ish, did a workout, took a bath and ate brunch with Kyx. I also got to catch up a bit on How To Get Away with Murder but I’m not quite done yet. Around 2:30 in the afternoon, Kyx and I got ready for the children’s party of our godchild Alex. It was an intimate party, food was soooo good and it was also entertaining. Got to spend time with mi amigas and it was such a fun day. Kyx and I went home around 7pm-ish, the party was not quite done yet but Kyx was growing tired cause he didn’t have a decent sleep for the past days and so off we went home. We watched a movie too and I fell asleep LOL.

Here are photos from the party

Sunday February 26, 2017

FAMILY DAY! My mom, sisters, eldest brother and I went to visit our uncle and aunt and their family for a nice time. Actually, we are visiting our uncle who is just recovering from an Open Heart Surgery. Everything with the operation went smoothly and we are all glad that he is recovering very very well! Hopefully, he stays super super healthy now! We ate a lot and bonded a lot. Mostly talk and laugh about stuff. I didn’t have a bad time (which I usually get when spending too much time outside my own world) this time, I was actually glad we went out and bonded! Though very simple and intimate, I found serenity and it’s just very stress-free to be with your Family. I want to show you a photo but it’s on my brother’s phone -_-

I was actually thinking that this is one of the most tiring weekends I have ever experienced but I am very happy to have spent my time with people close to my heart.

How about you guys? How was your weekend?

Daddy’s Harley

I’ve been experiencing this my whole life and now I feel like I realized yet again a wonderful thing. People are not just people, not someone we can lean on when we need someone—when we need a shoulder to cry one. We are not mere people existing for ourselves and for others, we exist with a purpose and it’s not just to be there, but to be someone more in depth, more connected to the soul. Many times we meet people and all of a sudden they get close to us and we get so attached to them not because they give us gifts, not because they give us what we want but because they exist in our lives as blessings.

Daddy Eddie is the dad of my brother’s wife. He lives in the States and has not came home for 8 years but just last week (was it last week or last last week?) he came home! Ate Erin (his daughter, the wife of my brother) was so ecstatic when she gave me the news that her dad will be home for a couple of weeks! She also told me that her dad hasn’t come home for a long time and now he will be here again, I was so happy for her! She would finally be with her dad again after soooo long plus Nathan, her son would have the opportunity to spend time with his grandfather again. I was genuinely happy for them, for everyone. I am a very family oriented person and I am so attached to everyone in our family, especially with my mom. For me, it is true that family comes first. It’s true that I will literally drop everything when it comes to my family and so that’s where I was coming from.

I didn’t meet Daddy Eddie the same day he arrived, I couldn’t remember if I was stuck at work or somewhere. Then I guess after a day or two, I went to our house and finally met Daddy. He was very cheerful and friendly. He greeted us immediately with warmth and that’s the beginning of a fun relationship with Daddy. It was followed with several drinking nights with the whole family just talking about stuff and that’s for me—a great thing. You know, having your kids around you, you guys drinking together and talking about random things, laughing about every single thing? It’s quite a wonderful blessing if you ask me.

But the days are really quick and time flies by when you are having fun. Tomorrow, Daddy leaves again for the States and I’m guessing it would take quite a bit again before he comes back home. So before he leaves, Kyx and I decided to give him a piece of our hearts through a watercolour painting.

Daddy enjoys his Harley when he has free time, he talked about it and told us stories, how fun it was and all that, which is why Kyx and I decided to paint a Harley motorbike.

This is the same model as Daddy’s Harley but we played with the colors to symbolize fun and adventure. I thin daddy’s motorbike is black or somewhere between dark hues so I feel like if we painted it the same way it might look dull ? So that’s why we sort of played with it lol.


This painting is accomplished using:

Winsor & Newton Cotman set (watercolour), Pebeo’s Gouache paints with Deovir sable brushes on Canson Montval 140lb cold pressed watercolour paper.

Sketch by: Kyxarie Peralta (check him out on http://behance.net/kyx )

Color by: Althea Cargado (Yours Truly) and Kyxarie Peralta

This painting symbolizes passion, love, adventure and fun.

Thank you daddy for imparting your knowledge and showering us with your love and thoughtfulness. We will surely miss you and we are looking forward til your next visit. We love you so much Daddy!