Why #1

A few of the many whys.

While I was partly regretting shopping online at 1 in the morning, I don’t know what happened but I started reflecting, evaluating life in general.

The reality of life is, as we get older, as we get closer to people we love, as we grow more appreciative of the people around us, we also go closer to seeing the end of the line for some. We get to witness the deaths of our loved ones and it’s painful one death after another. Like we never go numb or get tired feeling sick in our stomachs when we are given the burden of witnessing these untimely deaths.

With these deaths, it’s automatic to reminisce the times we spent together with that person. We start wishing that we should have spent more time with them, shared more of our life with them, told them how much we value them, made them feel how much we love them. More often than not, we let go of the grudges we used to have, we forgive them and love them even more, we understand them and we end up accepting their flaws—embracing their shortcomings. It’s like nothing could be wrong about the dead person.

But why do we have to be faced by death and this unfortunate tragedy before we learn to love and forgive? Why do we have to be faced by this loneliness to be able to be reminded of the happy times?

Why do we have to wait for the person to die before we do these things? Why not when that person is still alive?

I guess I’ll never know. I guess death is so tragic that it becomes magical at some point.

It’s almost impossible to remember the ugly and trying times with that person when that person is dead. Usually we would like to remember the departed ones in the happy moments we shared with them diba?

So I will keep praying that I be able to forgive every single person who did me wrong, those who didn’t want anything but harm for me, those who laugh at my tragedies. I will try as best as I could to forgive them while we are still alive. So I wouldn’t burden myself with forgiving just for the heck of it or just because they died but because it is the right thing to do.


Fresh Grads, Quarter Life Crisis-ers, Wanderers

5 years after graduating from college and being 27 years old now (is this considered as ‘late twenties’ already??? HOLYFCKNSHITTTT???) here are some of the things I’ve learned in life worth sharing. I hope you pick up something here that will help you cope and keep up with life without feeling so bad.

  • The real world + aging + growing up is messy! And no matter how much you think you are prepared for this, honey you are not and will never be prepared. You’ve been quite sheltered and we all have been in that phase but this is different now. So when I say you will never be prepared, it’s not supposed to sound so bad. It’s something that will immediately make you feel better because no adult has ever been prepared to be an adult per se and up to this day, I still can’t get the hangs of adulting! I swear. So chin up, cheer up, we are all struggling. Heh
  • Accept it. Some friendships are not meant to last even if you’ve been together for 15 years like???? You may have argued, drifted apart or just stopped being friends but that is normal. It could hurt for some, it could be okay for some but what I’m trying to say is it is normal hehe. It happens!
  • Half the time, I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life. Sure I have a stable job (which I actually loved before. Like loved so much. Now I want to leave haha) sure I go boxing at least twice a week, I follow a healthy lifestyle, I go to church, I have friends, I drink sometimes, I watch stuff I want to watch, I enjoy but that’s not everything there is to life and even if it seems that adults like me (seryoso ba?) look like we have it all figured out, NOPE. So don’t pressure yourself too much. We don’t get to know what we want as quickly as we want to.
  • There is no freaking deadline. The stuff we read on facebook, the quotes we see everywhere? They’re all real. Like do what you can, enjoy your life and don’t look at what others have that you don’t have. Who cares if your friend was able to buy a car already and here you are trying to figure out your ABCs at work? Life is not a race and you must keep reminding yourself that. Too often we forget to make it about for life’s greater purpose, to glorify our God. We keep working and trying to get the best things just so people would think we’re happy and successful. Life doesn’t work like that so stop trying to impress everyone else by pressuring yourself with your stupid made up deadlines.
  • Take one step at a time and do everything with love while glorifying our God.

So I hope you don’t pressure yourself every day and feel sad and desperate and all that life crisis bits and pieces. We’ll get through this.

Our Differences

I woke up today feeling sorry, terrible, sick to my stomach and disgusted with the system.

There are norms that we follow in society, we all have different views and opinions toward things and that’s never wrong. What I feel is wrong is when people have their idea of what is right and would want to impose that idea to everyone not thinking that other people perceive things differently.

It’s such a shame when people point out what you need to improve on, your weaknesses, your challenges and attitude when they can’t even improve themselves.

I just really felt terrible that there are a lot of people who are like this.

You, who are reading this right now, don’t be like that. Flip the coin for once and check the other side.

Go and Take Risks, Althea!

I don’t know if this is just me giving myself the signs I am asking for or God or the universe truly wants to talk to me and encourage me in every step that I will take from this day forward.

Let me tell you what happened after my 2-day experience. I will not say anything specific about the “experience” itself and only a few knows about it so let’s wait to hear the good news before the details okay? Anywaaaaay, my 2-day experience were both exciting and HARD. To say the least, I got so tired that when I went home after the 2nd day, I cried so hard and both Kyx and I didn’t know what to do with myself! I was crying so hard endlessly, ugly crying, kinakatay na baka crying, namatayan kind of crying. It was super loud that if someone else heard me they’d think I lost someone and was in extreme shock. Seryosong you won’t imagine my crying face because it is the hardest I have ever cried in a long time. I mean I do cry on a regular basis (because that’s just me as a person) but this sort of crying was very different. Very. Very. Different. It’s far more worse than the crying face I had when my (ex) friends broke my heart!

So after crying, I prayed and cried again some more. Feeding myself with doubt while ignoring how painful my cramp-y legs and feet are. I told myself that I might not be capable of this and that. That maybe, just maybe I overestimated myself. That I am not good enough for this et cetera.

I was thinking to myself how scary (shit) this might be and this is all new to me and maybe I am not capable of growth. Basically, I am scared. Hella scared if I am being completely honest. It’s not me to just dive right in but that’s exactly what I am about to do and even if the finish line is not yet within my reach (wala pang schedule for the final process) I think I’m about to immerse myself into something I have not tried before and that is scaring me!

I fell asleep with cramps and tears still in my eyes then when I woke up, I prayed again and asked the Lord if he thinks I am good for this and that I can be what I think I could be. Well, he didn’t answer right away but I kept thinking to myself that He wouldn’t have let me go this far if I am not good enough for it anyway. I think our conversation would go something like this:

Me: God, am I good enough for this? Lord God, would I be able to get through this in all my days?

God: What do you think?

So I went on with my day and let the other days passed without getting super anxious and stressed about it. Then just now, I came across a quote saying “Always go with the choice that scares you the most because that is the one that’s going to help you grow”

If this isn’t God’s way of telling me that I can do it and that it is what’s in store for me, then I don’t know what is.

I hope I don’t jinx it and right now I am definitely hoping I get the part. So please pray with and for me my dear friends.

P.S. I still can’t get over the fact that I was heavily crying, intensely crying. More than diamond star, mega star, star of all seasons kind of crying!! Guys!!!!

Heart breaks

It’s almost 4 years already since Kyx and I have established a solid relationship. You guys may have read where it all started and I think I owe you guys this. Break na kami. Charot. HAHA.

After getting your attention in an annoying way, here’s what I really wanted to say. I was reading a lot of blog posts about love that was lost and everything heart breaking. Being the empathic person that I am, my heart is so close to exploding already that I have to back away a few steps from my screen because with every heart break a person goes through, I go through a little or maybe just the same. It’s also painful for me.

How do one person get over a break up? Or for some, how can you let go of someone who was never even yours in the first place? It’s a tough call I guess since I’m not an expert with these kinds of things but here’s a piece of my mind for the matter and let’s hope it helps.

Break ups, love lost and everything in between is excruciatingly painful for everyone. People may not show it but deep inside, their heart is breaking a million times. It may not reflect on their faces but every person who went through a break up would one way or another, get messed up in an emotional rollercoaster. So if you are going through a break up, a love that was lost or a heart break, go through the pain. Roll with the punches. Nothing is ever easy in the beginning anyway so go ahead.

Like many pieces of advice we all heard whenever we feel pain I’m going to say it anyway—cry if you have to. Nothing feels better than a good cry after trying to keep it all inside. Let yourself go as your tears flow. Release all the emotions you have kept in for so long in a day and maybe you’ll feel a lot better.

I could go on and on with my babbling but in a nutshell, you have to wrap your head around the fact that one, if it is not meant to be, it will not push through, it will not happen. Two, stop going back and forth with the what ifs and the could have beens because it definitely has no use anymore if you have come to the end of the road. Give yourself time to process all these emotions, to accept the pain you’re going through and after some time, you’ll see yourself on the road to recovery—to healing. Lastly, pray. It is more powerful than you think. I swear by it.

Nothing Worth It Ever Comes Easy

In many many instances, I definitely believe in the saying that nothing worth it ever comes easy. You really need to work hard for it. However, being human—my pride and ego gets the best of me for a moment until I snap back to reality once and for all.

I am not even there yet but I am almost on the verge of quitting. The process was hard, everything was hard and intense. From the screening to the interview, to the exam to the experience—it’s all mind blowing and kind of disheartening to be honest. Disheartening because I don’t see myself THIS strong. Not strong enough for this. But after a sleepless night, after thinking it all through. I realized a lot of things.

  1. There are people dying to be in this position. I mean I am not done yet, I am not even in THE position per se but I’ve been through the elimination processes and there are people I know who would want to be where I am right now yet I am just going to throw it all away because it was hard?
  2. I was thinking that I am comfortable with where I am right now but then I realized this is the exact same thing why I wanted OUT. Why I wanted to leave. It was too comfortable and I am not growing as an individual. I’m just like a slave or a robot doing the same thing over and over again.
  3. It was arrogant of me to think that I am way too good to have a hard time. For a second, I thought that I was just punishing myself. I knocked some senses in me because I am nowhere near good! So the least I can do is to work harder and harder every waking day of my life.
  4. If I want this so bad, why don’t I work for it as hard? Diba.
  5. It is much more fulfilling to have worked so hard for something so good in the end. I mean, I may have bad days and extremely tiring ones but when I reach the top, it will all be worth it naman diba.

Like I also tell myself, naguumpisa palang ako. This is only the tip of the iceberg. Mental, physical, emotional stress ang aabutin ko dito but if it was easy, will it be worth it? Hindi siguro.

Pray for me still. Huuuuhuu.

Also, I’m so sorry TFIOB family (as if naman gustong gusto nila ako makasama hahahaha) that I was not able to join you yesterday June 3, 2018. It was a once in a lifetime experience but I missed it. Please forgive me and let’s set another one ulit pleaaase huhuhu. ❤

Blessed Month!

I am still surprised that May is over already.

Towards the end of every months, I’d always say “thank God it’s over!” or “Finally!!” but I liked May. I think May liked me too.

May has been a terrific month for me. There weren’t anything that was too hard to handle. No anxiety or panic attacks that made me cry randomly, no sleepless nights, my grumpiness was at a tolerable level, my stress-o-meter was on a normal scale, everything is just lining up for me and nothing was too hard! I guess, there were ultimately difficult things I went through from other months so I guess May is this really easy peasy time for me.

Actually, both April and May are fantastic. I am super blessed and I did feel great for the past two months ya know.

But this month, I felt that there was an outpour of blessings for me, my family, friends and loved ones. I was continued to be blessed with healing. Blessed to still have friends who are there for me and I think, this is the month wherein I got really closer to God. I didn’t think I’d be feeling this way. I didn’t expect that being closer to Him feels so good, like nothing can go wrong, or if anything goes wrong I’ll be fine. That kind of feeling! So watch out for what I’ll be sharing with you about these experiences and spiritual encounters with God.

Work is meh and even blah. It does pay the bills but I am beginning to see myself desperate, pathetic. I know I want a hefty pay check if that’s possible but it isn’t always the money to be honest. I love mundane, I like routine, I like comfort but for once this isn’t the comfort I want. I am not learning, I am not growing and I don’t see that people like to see people grow here. Y’know what I mean? But overall, life is pretty good this month! (except my feelings toward work)

In a nutshell, May is a remarkable month. I’d always remember feeling light, easy and happy because of the blessings I received! Soooo happy! (I wrote “so dope” but it sounded as if I was a tita tryna be cool like?? Hahaha)