Magandang Paalala

Ang dami kong sinulat about ditto pero ang daming palabok kaya ulitin ko nalang. Straight to the point nalang.

Don’t get me wrong, nireremind ko din yung sarili ko nito kasi minsan kailangan natin iremind ang mga sarili natin lalo na kapag ang dami na nating hanash sa buhay at parang nakakaapekto na tayo ng ibang tao. So eto na:

In this life, hindi laging ikaw ang magaling. Hindi pwedeng laging ikaw ang bida. Hindi porket magaling ka, ikaw nalang ang laging magaling at tama to the point na hindi ka na nakikinig sa suggestions ng ibang tao. You close your mind sa mga ideas ng ibang tao kasi tingin mo ikaw lang yung laging tama. You won’t go that far kung ganyan ang mindset mo. When you try to control every single thing, bukod sa hindi ka na pleasant kasama at kausap, nakakainis pa na ang tingin mo sa ibang tao ay walang utak at hindi nagiisip. So again, sana isipin natin na ang lawak ng mundo, ang daming matututunan, ang daming taong may alam pa ng mga ibang bagay bukod sa iyo so be open for learning, welcome the opportunities for growth.

Wag tayong bida bida lagi.

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Things to Remember When Insecurities Creep In

There are days when you simply don’t feel good enough about yourself that it takes extra effort to like how you look and this is one of those days. I ate insecurities for breakfast today so I don’t know what’s up. I can’t blame my hormones again or the planets, it’s just plain insecurities creeping in when you least expect it.

I knew it was a bad idea to check someone’s profile but I still did because I’m an idiot. So I saw this beautiful photo and though I know it’s heavily made up (as in gawang make-up artist talaga, mukang wedding stuff levels ganern) plus the fact that I know how that person truly looks like under the make-up, I still felt ugly. (hoy althea, bakit insecure ka masyado???? Oa mo)

I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. That I am not beautiful and I look like shit. And though I know it’s not 100% true (the fact that I look like shit cause we all know I don’t really HAHAHAHAH) why did I feel shitty?

I don’t know. So here’s something we can all agree on when insecurities are served for breakfast, lunch and supper.

Things To Remember:

  1. Do not go checking someone’s profile or look at someone’s photo when you know you’ll end up regretting it. (wag kang pacheck check kung mapapangitan ka sa sarili mo after mo makita ang “after” photo from the make-up artist)
  2. People do not post unflattering photos of them most of the time. (so anong problema mo diba? Alam naman natin pare-pareho na kung ano ang maganda, yun ang ipopost)
  3. Stop eating insecurities any time of the day. It will not do you any good. (ang daming food choices for breakfast like self-love, acceptance, care and understanding, bakit insecurities ang napili mo today?)
  4. We are all created different and equal. Stop looking at Brenda’s and Susan’s. At the end of the day, everyone is beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I mean everyone feels the same thing and they just don’t say it. (quits lang gurl)
  5. The surface do not matter as much as what’s on the inside. Your soul should always be the more beautiful one than your face.

Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Loving Me #2

See the first entry of what I like to call a ‘series’ here. (I wanted to link it pero wala palang kwenta so wag na hahahahaha)

Anyway, I have written about a dozen instalments of “loving me” but I figured I want to write it after observing progress that’s why we’re only at the 2nd part haha!

In this entry, I’d like to note the changes I have made.

  1. I am naturally a brave person. I guess I grew up that way not only because I am a batanguena but also because life was such a struggle that I had to be palaban. However, for the past years, I mellowed down because I am trying to be someone I am not. I always have someone I look up to and I imitate the style of that person when it comes to coping hence I struggled. Hindi naman talaga ako mahinhin, I just wanted to be that kind of person back then but after everything, I know I am not supposed to be like that. Hindi bagay.
  2. I am not afraid anymore to speak my mind talaga. As in totally I can say my feelings, ideas and opinions no matter how different my views are not only because of my personal development but I found people I can talk to in a way that I don’t need to sugar coat. (Shout out to Airah, Yana, Kat, Kyx’s friends and Kapitbahays *wink wink*)
  3. I don’t stress myself and put unnecessary pain in my heart anymore because kebs.
  4. I acknowledge my feelings and I don’t blame myself for feeling the way I am feeling. I realized that no one can invalidate how I feel so, kebs na din. Before, I will invalidate my own feelings thinking na maybe I was just too sensitive when in fact mali pala talaga ang ginawa sa akin.
  5. I hear other people out more now than I did back then. I respect their thoughts and opinions without judging them for it.
  6. I give more of my time now to others and spend it fruitfully. I am always so lazy and even afraid to go out and socialize even to people I like but things have changed already and I am liking that I have balanced me time and time spent with others.

I guess I made a huge progress and I can’t wait to write more in the future!

I am happy with how things are for me, focus lang and more effort pa! Whoo!

Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

“It’s Okay”

Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?

If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.

  • Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
  • It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
  • A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!

I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.

And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.

 Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.

Ngayong Oktubre

Sinabi na sa atin nang paulit ulit, at ilang beses na rin naman nating natunghayan, na ang lahat ng pasakit, lahat ng masakit, lahat ng kahindik-hindik na tagpo sa ating buhay ay natatapos, nakakalimutan, napapatawad, naiiwan sa nakaraan sa oras na pinili na nating lumakad pasulong, sa oras na pinili na nating lumisan.

Oo. Lahat tayo nakakamove on. Lahat ng sugat ng nakaraan din kasi ay naghihilom.

Kapag iniisip ko lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko, pinipilit kong alalahanin kung anong nangyari sa lumang sarili ko. Ano ba ako noong mga panahong iyon? Nalugmok ba ako at umiyak ng sobra? Hindi ko na maalala kung paanong pinilit ng utak kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari. Hindi ko na maalala ang lahat nga ng pangyayari, pero ang alam ko, simula nang inumpisahan kong umisod, simula nung inihakbang ko ang mga paa ko, unti unti nang naghilom ang mga sugat na hindi ko naman sigurado kung natamo ko ba sa ibang tao o sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ikukwento ng maayos sa inyo yung mga bagay na naiisip ko ngayong naglangib na nga ang malalim na sugat ko. Dati kasi, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong may kagagawan ng lahat, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito at bumalentong ang mundo ko. Pero kasi hindi eh. Hindi maaaring masaktan ka na tipong ikaw lang ang may kasalanan, na ikaw lang ang lahat ng may kagagawan. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong sisihin natin ang ibang tao pero kasi, narealize ko na ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko ay makikita ko lang sa oras na mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko. Yung bang may paninindigan ako, yun bang hindi ako makikinig o maniniwala sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko. Nakilatis ko na rin ang mga taong talagang may pagmamahal at malasakit sakin kaya naman hindi na ako nagpapatinag sa mga opinyon ng kung sino sino lang.

Una, napag-isip isip kong hindi para sa akin ang ginawa nila kundi para sa kanila. Wala naman akong nakuha o na-gain sa mga bagay na sinabi nila. Sila ang may nakuha. Siguro kung tumaas ang self-esteem nila at napatatag nila ang mga sarili nila, eh di good. Pero ngayon ko napagtanto na hindi iyan ang sisira sa pagkatao ko.

Masakit kung sa masakit pero nung tinanggap ko na para naman sa inyong selfish na desisyon, natauhan ako. (buti nalang hindi ako nagpakamatay noong panahon na yun kasi hindi pala talaga worth it)

Pangalawa, hindi nakakasaya, nakakagaan sa loob at nakakakumpleto ang isang bagay na ginawa mo para malugmok ang isang tao. Hindi ako nagpapaka-victim dito dahil alam naman nating may fair share ako ng kamalditahan ko, pero walang nanalo o natalo kaya wag sanang isiping “victory” ang isang bagay na nakapanakit deliberately. Hindi yan ang ikasasaya mo.

Pangatlo, lahat ng tao sa mundo nagkakasakitan kaya tingin ko isa sa mga goals dapat natin sa buhay ay ang makapagpatawaran sa mga taong nanakit satin, sa mga taong nagkaroon tayo ng hindi magandang alaala.

Hindi ko na pinapangarap na makipagusap sila ng maayos o humingi manlang ng tawad sa oras na sinaktan nila ako. Napagtanto ko naman na din na ang universe na ang gagawa ng paraan upang iparamdam sayo kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sa ibang tao. Babalik at babalik din kasi yan eh. Hindi mo ba naisip yun?

Kaya ngayong Oktubre, pinapatawad ko yung mga taong nakapanakit sa akin ng husto. Pinatatawad ko sila kasi tapos ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko.