“hold on to the ones who really care”

“You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.

So hold on to the ones who really care ‘cause in the end they’ll be the only ones there. When you get old and start losing your hair, can you tell me who will still care?”

If we only just take this song more seriously than all its pop glory, we can save ourselves from so many heartaches. Or not. But still.


Nakagawian ko nang tapusin ang mga sentences ko sa mga nakakainis na “or not” “but still” “so”. Bakit ako ganito? Nakakahiya. Sana hindi makita ng Prof ko to kahit kelan haha.

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One Day At A Time

If you have been reading my blog for a long time now, you’d see how much I’ve struggled with keeping my sanity while loving myself and caring for myself. You probably saw me in my highs and lows through whatever I have written, how dramatic I have been, how emotionally wrecked I was, how I kept going back and forth with moving forward and clinging to the past. It has been a crazy crazy ride but since September started, I don’t know if it was because of the moon, stars and planets, but I have come to fully embrace self-care and self-love without struggling too much. (I’m actually surprised that it has not been that HARD anymore! Maybe I am really learning how to move on from all the drama right?)

3rd week: My progress is slow but triumphant. It feels like I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing myself hard, it’s not like I’m forcing myself to feel emotions I don’t want to feel.

What have I been doing? Yoga and healthy eating aside, here are the things I do:

  • I am focusing on improving myself without asking or seeking other people’s validation and approval.
  • I just do things the way I feel is right.
  • I keep away from people who give me negative emotions (however, I don’t take it at heart because I don’t take it at ALL)
  • I don’t live for other people. I used to wake up, get off my ass and please every single person. Agree with them to avoid potential conflict (which I’ve learned that might backfire in the future so I stopped this way of living) now I live for myself and the people I love especially my family.
  • I don’t try to fit in. If people don’t like me and I can sense they’re talking about me behind my back or subtweeting about me or scrutinizing my every move I won’t care about that person anymore. If ayaw mo sa akin at masyado kang maraming sinasabi about me, I will let you go. Hindi ko ipipilit sarili ko.

So far, these are my observations and I feel really good about myself lately and that’s amazing!

Empowered with Self Love!

I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.

I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?

There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.

All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.

I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.

I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.

With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.

What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.

I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.

Relasyon Chronicles

Kagaya ng lahat ng relasyon, hindi perpekto ang sakin, ang sa amin. Hindi naman kasi talaga laging masaya, laging nakakatuwa, laging walang tensyon. Hindi ganoon.

May paminsan minsang pagsundot ng mga nakakainis na scenario. Mga nakakabwisit na quirks at mga nakakapunyetang problema na gusto mo nang malusutan pero stuck kayong dalawa.

Lagi din naman nagiging maayos, laging nagiging okay pagkatapos.

Magkasama kami sa bahay. Nagki-cringe ako sa term na “live in” kasi bukod sa wrong grammar ito dahil siguro shortened term ng “living in one house together” hindi magandang pakinggan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kaya mas gusto ko nalang yung term na magkasama sa bahay hahaha.

Iba ang buhay ng magjowang magkasama sa bahay kaysa sa hindi. Para kayong nagbabahay bahayan na hindi. Para kayong unofficial na mag-asawa at bilang next level na ang relasyon niyo at hindi lang simpleng magbf-gf in a conservative country—iba din yung mga tinatalakay na issue at problema.

Nitong nakaraan may hindi kami pagkakaunawaan. Masyadong mataas ang levels ng aking emotions at hindi ko makontrol ang nararamdaman ko. Masyado akong mabilis maiyak at mainis. Hindi nakakatulong. Sa panahon na ito, kagaya ng mga nakalipas—siya ang laging kalmado lang. Maunawain sa tantrums ko at iniintindi ang mga bagay na hindi madaling intindihin tungkol sakin lalo na kapag nilalamon na ng emosyon.

Sa simpleng problemang ito, may kaunting pagsagi sa utak ko ng “baka kailangan ko nalang ng ibang tao”. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Simpleng simple lang yung problema namin, hindi 3rd party, hindi tungkol sa pamilya. Napakasimple kaya hindi ko malaman kung bakit kailangan ko pa yun maisip.

Pero sandali lang bago ko narealize na hindi ko kailangan humanap ng iba. Hindi solusyon ang hiwalayan o kung ano pa. lalo na kung simple lang naman ang problema na pinapalaki ko lang pala.

Hindi ko sinabi sakanya yung sumagi sa isip ko, never akong nag-threat ng hiwalayan kasi alam ko at the end of the day, lagi naman din kaming nagiging okay.

Kasi kahit habang masungit ako makipag-usap sakanya, maririnig mo agad agad ang mga salitang pasensya na na sinsero at walang halong sarkasmo. Maagap siya, mabilis siya humingi ng pasensya lalo’t alam niyang may pagkakamali siya.

Hindi ko kailangang maghalungkat ng mga nakakainis niyang ginawa upang maipunto ko lang yung mga kamalian niya o areas of improvement.

Habang sinusungitan ko siya, ang sagot niya sa akin ay “Pasensya na. alam kong nagkulang ako sa parting iyon. Babawi ako.”

Hindi pa ako kalmado kahit narinig ko ang mga iyan. Sabi ko lang sakanya “sige na sige na, maghanap ka na ng panonoorin natin”. Dali dali naman siyang pumunta sa computer niya at nagtagal siguro ng 30 minutes bago makahanap ng panonoorin sabay sabi “okay ba sayo tong horror?” tapos pinalapit ko siya at niyakap. Nahimasmasan na kasi ako. Hindi na ako parang tigreng aatakihin sya.

Hayyyyyy

 Iba lang kasi talaga ang mga pinagaawayan ng mga magkakarelasyon na magkasama sa bahay. Simple pero mas nakakainis kumpara sa hindi. Hindi ko masabi dito kasi masyadong personal hahaha. Inexplain ko lang kasi nabanggit ko yung tungkol sa magkasama sa bahay eh hahah. Pero siguro ganoon talaga. May mga pagsubok na napaka petty pero doon mo makikita ang karakter ng taong karelasyon mo. Kahit ang gulo gulo mo na kausap, mahinahon pa rin siya at kalmado lang.

Wala lang, nakwento ko lang.

Life and Death

Saturday morning reflections

I know this. I know this is PMS because I am extremely emotional over every single thing since yesterday. Every story I read through Facebook posts, every tweet I see that’s filled with joy and love makes me tear up, and today, I am doing the same. I am tearing up mostly over anything I see and read.

I came across a Facebook post that has been shared so many times. It was a long read and more often than not, I just would scroll down and like whatever interests me. This time, I read the whole thing and in a snap, I felt bittersweet feelings—a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and sadness all bundled up together for me to cry over. It’s a story of a dying person, a woman in her mid-40s, fighting stage 4 breast cancer, holding on for dear life. She almost died and everyone was praying for her peaceful passing but somehow, a miracle happened and she was brought back to life again after moments of almost dying.

And so, I realized again, that we are mortals. It is impossible not to die. Death is inevitable.

It’s just really so painful that though we know that we are mere mortals, death of a loved one is just so fucking hard to accept. It’s like you know it will happen but when it does, you are never prepared for it.

It also made me think about life. My life. How I have made it through the twists and turns and how am I still alive and enjoying the bliss of being alive.

I guess what I am getting at is that we focus so much on things that we fail to see what truly matters. We shun the idea of death or how short life is because we are too busy looking at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. We focus on all these negative energies like how to make things right, how to be okay when people do not like us, how to be civil with people who hurt us so much, how to earn forgiveness and how to forgive those that wronged us when in fact, life is so much more bigger than all these things.

I’m not saying that these things and emotions we have do not matter, it’s just that there are far more better things in life we should focus on because indeed, life is short.


I keep hearing in church that in our time of death, in our death beds, we wouldn’t be thinking of all the riches we acquired, all the honors we received in our time, the cars we bought, the good things we have, the food we eat at extravagant occasions—we wouldn’t even be thinking of all those that hurt us because in our last minutes, we would think of all the goodness in which we lived a wonderful life. How we valued our family and people we love. We wouldn’t even be thinking whether the people who hate us before learned to love us or accepted us. No. That wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the last thing in our minds.

So I guess, this is me letting go of all the things that hold me back. This is me moving on from the stress I put myself into just because I want and seek forgiveness, love and validation. This should be the end of it all because I know for sure, when I die, I wouldn’t be thinking about all of those things. The things that broke me and made me so lonely for a period of time.

Let’s all focus on the good things, good memories we have and we will have in our sweet short time on earth.

Changing and Changing

And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde!  Whoohoo!!

So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).

Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.

Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.

It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…

It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:

  • Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
  • Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
  • Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
  • Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!

This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!

With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.

This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.

And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.

There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!

8 Things I have Moved On From

I was listening to the latest episode of the Wake Up with Jim and Saab podcast and there’s a part where they talked about the things they have moved on from hence the topic I would be writing about today so credits to Jim and Saab for giving me something to write about hahaha.


Seated inside a cramped vehicle, I commuted to work today. It was not a bad commute because the traffic is moderately heavy. I sat there earphones still plugged even if there’s nothing to listen to anymore.I looked out the window trying to evaluate my life again and again. It has become a habit—re-evaluating my life while stuck in traffic. Wow. I think I have come a long way since my tragedy in 2016 and though there were still rough days that makes me think about it over again and cry a little at night, I feel like I’m stronger now. I have changed so much! My way of life, my thinking, my happiness and how I love myself! It’s all so different from the cringe worthy person that I was back then. And so, I bring you, the 8 things I have moved on from!

  1. Toxic Attitude – At one point, I have become this toxic ball of a person. Always magnifying the negativity and shadowing the bright side. I always would be so paranoid at how people perceive me, I get jealous often times, I don’t smile often, I don’t appreciate the good things. Now, I have gotten rid of that. I’ve veered away from that toxic attitude!
  2. Toxic People – oh but of course, there are also toxic people around and I’d always want to still deal with them but after what happened to me, I figured it was time for me to move forward and change paths. I do not need toxicity in my life and though my doors are not closed, I wouldn’t go out and run towards people like this. If they have changed, then they can enter my door again but if not, it’s fine. I’m fine.
  3. Ridiculously Pathetic Thinking – this is too general but at the top of my head it means I am done with negative thinking and overthinking. I am still on the process of relaxing and not getting stress get the best of my mental health but at least I’m done. I don’t tolerate shit I give to myself anymore. I try to see things as it is and not overthink.
  4. Treating Myself So Shitty – I used to tolerate shit I and other people give to me. I always think I deserve whatever bad thing a certain bad situation gave me. It’s pathetic because it goes to show how I don’t love myself as much as one should!
  5. Spending Time with The Wrong People – I value time so much and since I value myself a lot more than I was doing back then, I decided to stop spending time with the wrong people. I choose when to engage myself, I choose what events I would go to, I choose which movies to watch, I choose the company I know I would enjoy myself with. I am done with FOMO. Back then, I used to just go even if I don’t even want to be there in the first place, even if I am not enjoying myself. Now, I make sure that I really like the people I spend time with.
  6. Living My Life For Others – I used to really like living in a way others would tell me they like my life. I want people to tell me that they admire my lifestyle, what I want, my hobbies, my quirks and then suddenly, I started to do things so that others would continue to like me for it. It’s so toxic and I wasn’t at all happy about it. So I changed my ways and started living for myself, for what I really want and didn’t care whether other people would tell me they didn’t like me or they didn’t like what I am doing or they didn’t like my clothes et cetera.
  7. Caring Way Too Much – in line with the 6th one, I used to care a lot what other people think of me. I value their opinions so much even if it hurts me or even if it becoming so toxic. It’s as if I was walking on egg shells all day every day because I don’t want people to think badly of me. It’s just crazy that I care too much about what others would say that I forgot my own well-being!
  8. Dwelling On The Haters – I think I’ve got a few bunch of people who dislike me or even hate my existence. I would obsess about it and if I knew that you don’t like me, I would keep on impressing you or trying hard to be friends with you just so you would stop disliking me. HOW PATHETIC WAS THAT?! Now, I learned that if someone do not like me, I should start shaking it all off. I mean it’s not easy, especially that I was a people pleaser for a long time (not anymore ah! Before lang) It’s so stupid diba. Hahaha. I stopped obsessing and dwelling on these people. If you don’t like me, then it’s okay!

It’s a long read but I hope you made it all the way down here. I feel like it’s very important that I share these things to you guys, I owe you this much. And though I don’t dwell on the haters anymore, I still feel sick to my stomach and sometimes, my heart breaks a little because all I ever wanted is to live in a happy space with happy people not snarking at me or something. So let’s end this with:

But I keep cruisin’, won’t stop can’t stop grooving. It’s like I got this music in my mind saying it’s gonna be alright.

Cause the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate and the players gonna play play play play play baby I’m just gonna shake shake shake shake, shake it off, shake it off!

 

I am not a Taylor Swift fan but this song just resonates what I need to do with my life especially when dealing with people who don’t like me. How about you guys? What are the things you moved on from and how did you do it?