FIGHT LANG NG FIGHT!

*This post is written in Filipino*

Magmula Tuesday hanggang ngayon, Biyernes, late na ako talaga umaalis ng bahay namin. Ang bagal ko kumilos, ang dami kong hanash at seremonyas at kung ano ano pa. Inuuna ko magcheck ng FB messenger, twitter at makipagchika chikahan ng konti tapos tsaka palang ako iinom ng tsaa, tapos non, tsaka palang ako magsisimulang mag-Yoga.

Tsaa – Yoga – Ligo – Breakfast – Skincare – Bihis at Make Up ng Konti – tapos tsaka ako aalis.

Mga 3 minutes walk palabas ng (mini) village – abang tricycle – van papuntang office.

Ganyan ang eksena. Yung alarm ko, isang oras ko nasu-snooze kasi nagpapanggap ako na kaya kong bumangon before 6 pero before 7 talaga ako naguumpisa. Ang labo.

Pero ano ba talaga yung point ko ngayong araw na ito? Eto.

Sinubukan kong bilisan ang kilos. Imbes na 38 minutes ang yoga ko, 32 minutes lang siya kaninang umaga. Sinubukan kong magmadali sa abot ng aking makakaya pero saktong 9am pa rin ako lumabas ng pinto ng bahay namin. Hinatid ako ni mama sa labas ng village at nag-abang kami ng tricycle. Malapit lang naman kaso dun sa area na iyo n, talagang mabagal ang usad ng trapiko. Malala kaya nagka-counter flow yung mga tricycle (alam ko nakakainis hahaha pero napapabilis yung pagpasok ko sa opisina hahah pero wag talaga dapat mag-counterflow) so ayun na nga, yung nasakyan kong tricycle kanina, hindi masyadong nagka-counterflow yung driver. Takot at ilag sa blue boys (mga traffic enforcer sa area na yun) kaya ang tagal bago ako nakarating sa sakayan ng van papuntang Taguig. Halos magtetrenta minutos akong nasa trike pero iniisip ko nalang na mabilis lang naman biyahe ng van kaya keri lang. Pagdating ko dun, muntikan maging blockbuster yung pila. Nagmimeeting pa kasi yung mga van kung papaano sila babiyahe dahil may mga nanghuhuli daw na mmda (colorum yung ibang van kasi eh kaya ganyan, ‘wag niyo ako sisihin, walang ibang means of transportation talaga na maayos kaya hindi mo na masisi yung mga ganyang kabulastugan huehuehue) siguro mga limang minuto din akong nakapila, pero pinasakay na agad kami. Kaya lang sa mas matrapik na area dumaan yung driver. Sa isip isip ko, kapag nga naman kinant** ka ng kamalasan oo. Pero ayaw ko isipin na male-late ako. Positive lang tayo. Push lang tayo.

Nagtext ako sa ka-opisina ko at binilin ko na sabihan nya ako kapag may kalaban na. Alam na niya yun.

ANG BAGAAAAL ng usad. Ang bigat ng trapiko sa dinaanan ni kuya driver upang makaiwas na mahuli ang illegal na pagbabyahe niya, kaya naman nagdadasal talaga ako na sana umabot ako sa opisina.

Pagdating ko sa Taguig, limang minuto nalang ang nalalabi, tapos inabot pa ako ng STOP sa traffic light ng pedestrian kaya naghintay pa ako ng 2 minuto. Di na sana ako magmamadali kasi alam ko malelate na ako, wala nang pag-asa bat pa ako magmamadali eh ganon rin naman, late naman na. Kaya lang may parang bumubulong sakin na KAYA PA YAN! Kaya naman tinakbo ko na hanggang sa building namin (tatawid lang, building na namin ahahaha) tapos sa pagkant** ng kamalasan sakin, ang daming sumakay ng elevator tapos sa 35th floor ako bababa. HUSAY. AYOS. NICE.

Gusto ko mawalan ng pag-asa, gusto ko magtext sa ka-opisina ko na “brad, di na talaga ako aabot” pero parang may bumubulong kasi sakin na FIGHT! LABAN LANG!

Pagdating ko sa 35th floor, saktong 10am ako nag-in. Di ko alam kung hihiyaw ba ako sa tuwa na sa wakas hindi ako nagpa-ano sa kamalasan ngayong araw na to.

Araw araw may nangyayaring kabulastugan sa van eh. Naiiwan ko panyo ko, nadedelay umalis kasi naaaksidente, nasasabit sa mga kung san san yung van tapos lilipat ng van pero kahit ganon pa man, buong linggo akong sinubukang kant*t*n ng kamalasan pero natalo ko siya. Ako ang nag-wagi kasi bakit? Hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa eh. Kahit pakiramdam ko walang wala na, talo na ako, hindi ko pa rin inisip yon. Lumaban pa rin ako.

So ano talaga sinasabi ko at ano yung hanash sa pagkakahaba haba ng chinika ko?

Kahit pakiramdam mo na wala nang pag-asa, kahit naghuhumiyaw ang mundo sa iyo na wala na, talo ka na, kahit lahat ng mga signs andiyan na, kahit hinihintay nan g buong mundo na tigilan mo na, tantanan mo na at gumive up ka na, hangga’t kaya mo, ‘wag kang susuko. Kasi hangga’t walang resulta, hangga’t di mo nakikita, ‘wag mong pangunahan ang tadhana. Minsan akala mo lang talo ka na, ending may pag-asa pa pala. Diba? Kaya hangga’t kaya, LABAN!

 

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My Year for The Lord

When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.

My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.

Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.

This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.

Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!

For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!

7 Things for 2018

Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.

  1. I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
  2. I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
  3. I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  4. I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
  5. I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
  6. I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
  7. I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.

Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.

Tanggapin Mo Yung Pagkatalo Mo

In life, we don’t live to keep winning. We live, to keep learning.

We don’t always need to bag those awards, we don’t always need to compete with others, we don’t always need to get that promotion and raise right then and there, we don’t always need to be praised for working so hard etcetera, etcetera.

There are a lot of things we fight for thinking we always need to be number one but the reality is that being the best among everyone else is not the most important thing in the world!

If we change the perspective of needing to win so much in everything, we are avoiding and preventing conflicts, arguments and indifference from happening.


Sa totoo lang, etong hanash ko is because I feel bad for our team. We won in the annual Christmas presentation and no one even cheered or clapped their hands believing that we would win. Our officemates acted, though they didn’t say anything, that another team should have won. Hindi ako natutuwa sa ganiyang pag-uugali. Hindi ko sinasabi ito kasi kami yung nasa other side of the coin, na kami yung winning end. Kasi given the fact that we lost to other teams, we would have cheered for them. Pinapalakpakan namin yung mga tao kahit hindi kami nagbebenefit, tipong sport lang, ganon. Hindi ko alam saan ba nanggagaling yung mga “Mas deserving sina ganito” what makes other people less deserving anyway? Bakit kailangan may “mas” eh pinaghirapan din naman namin iyon? Nagkataon lang na nanalo kami mas deserving na yung ibang tao agad? Hindi pa ako nakapag-observe kung papaano ang ibang kultura, ang ibang tao sa ibang bansa kaya itong observation ko is sa mga Filipino lang pero bakit ba hirap na hirap tayong tumanggap ng pagkatalo? Bakit ba kailangang laging panalo tayo sa mga bagay bagay. Oo competitive tayo and sa mga contest na mga simpleng ganyan, ang goal talaga is manalo. Kaya nga contest eh. So goal is manalo pero kapag natalo ka na bakit ka magagalit? Eh sa contest naman alam mo naman na may nananalo at may natatalo diba? Kung gusto mo pala na panalo ka bakit ka pa sumali sa contest? Sana gumawa ka nalang ng announcement na ikaw na talaga yung panalo kasi galing na galing ka sa sarili mo diba at hindi ka n asana nakipaglaban sa ibang contestants kasi sure na sure ka naman na. Ano pang ginagawa mo diba?? Diba??

Sa susunod na sasali ka sa competition, dapat isipin mo na yung may mananalo, may matatalo. Gawin mo nalang yung best mo, kung ginawa mo naman best mo at natalo ka pa rin hindi mo naman nay un kasalanan at lalong lalo na hindi kasalanan yun ng ibang tao.

Kung hindi mo matanggap na natalo ka, magreklamo ka sa judge. Pesteng mga yan.

Okay. Tapos na ako mag-rant. Gusto ko lang ilabas yung sama ng loob ko kasi nung Friday ko pa ito kinikimkim. HA HA HAHAH HAHAHAHAHA.