Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.

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Share Ko Lang: Tulong

Pang ilan draft na to, simula Biyernes sinusulat ko na ito hindi ko pa rin magawang matapos o magawa ng maayos. Ayoko kasing magmukang nagpipreach, o mukang nagpapabebe. Gusto ko lang naman kasing sabihin kung ano yung nararamdaman ng puso ko lalo na nung nangyari ‘to. Gusto ko kasi sana, kung may makabasa nito na ito yung kailangan nila, sana makatulong o makainspire kahit papano.

Ganito kasi yan. Sa tanan buhay ko nakailang beses na siguro yung mayaman kami tapos bigla kaming maghihirap tapos babangon ulit tapos magdudusa ulit tapos babangon nanaman. Nakailang ganyan na kami pero hindi pa rin nababaliw yung nanay ko. Masaya pa rin kaming pamilya in general kaya naman napatunayan ko na yung ang buhay ay minsan nasa ibabaw ka, minsan nasa ilalim ka. Legit yan. Hindi kami nakaranas na permanent kaming nasa taas at permanent kaming nasa baba. Parang gulong lang, gumugulong lang yung mga nangyayari kaya sa awa naman ng Diyos, ang dami kong natutunan at mas pinatatag pa ako ng panahon. YAHOO!

Kaya sa mga ganyang karanasan, lumaki kaming matulungin ng mga kapatid ko. Ngayon, masasabi ko na ang estado naming ay sakto lang. Hindi kami mayamang mayaman, hindi rin naman kami naghihirap ng husto pero tight lang ang budget. Kumbaga ang mga pwedeng makapaghintay na mga bagay, kailangan maghintay. Kagaya ng bagong cellphone, kotse, bahay at mga kung ano ano pa. Ganon lang kami ngayon, kung may matitira sa budget ay hindi naman kalakihan pero proud ako na kahit ganoon pa man, nakakatulong kami sa mas kapos sa amin.

Ang haba na, pano ko ba ito ishoshort cut? Bahala na.

Nung gabi ng October 17, nagmessage sakin si Kuya Theo (nasa Dubai siya) at tinatanong niya ako kung meron daw ba akong extrang pera na maaaring maipahiram sa kamag anak namin na lumalapit sakanya. Kailangang kailangan na daw kasi tapos kung magpapadala siya, hapon pa kinabukasan papasok ang pera. Hindi naman ako nagdalawang isip, tinanong ko lang siya kung magkano gawa ng hindi rin naman karamihan ang extra kong pera. Kagaya nga ng sinabi ko, tight talaga ang budget para makaraos sa isang buwan diba?

Buti naman eh hindi din kalakihan. Hindi lumampas ng limang libo, kaya madali ko rin naman nahugot. Minessage ko na kaagad yung Tita namin na nanghihingi ng tulong at sinabi kong pwede na niyang kunin ang pera dahil nasa bahay naman na ako.

Ilang minuto ko lang din siyang hinintay. Pagdating niya, sinabihan niya ang tricycle na nagsakay sakanya na kung maaaring hintayin siya. Pinapakain siya ni mama ng hapunan pero wag na daw kasi naghihintay nga ang tricycle driver sakanya. Nung maupo sya sa sofa, inabot ko na agad yung perang kailangan niya. Mapuputulan na daw kasi sila ng kuryente at wala nang ibang malapitan. Hindi niya na napigilang mapaiyak, kaya hindi na kami masyado nagsalita pa. Sabi ko nalang sakanya eh okay lang yun. Sabi niya makakabayad na sila ng kuryente at makakabili ng bigas. “sa wakas!” parang biglang nadurog yung puso ko sa “sa wakas!” na sinabi niya, parang ang sakit sa akin na maski bigas eh hindi pala sila makabili. Nung sumakay na ulit siya sa tricycle, hinabol ko at inabutan ng dagdag. Para naman makabili ng pang ulam at kung ano ano pa.

Yun nalang ang laman ng wallet ko. Naibigay ko na lahat. Kaya pag alis ng tita ko, sinabi ko agad kay mama “so ano, may pera ka pa ba ma? Wala na ako pamasahe bukas” sabay hagalpak kami ng tawa.

Maya maya lang may message na agad yung tita ko. Nobela. Ang daming sinabi, habang binabasa ko sumasakit lalamunan ko sa pagpipigil ng luha. Nakakaiyak. Sinabi niyang ang laking tulong daw kasi ng ginawa namin ng kuya ko.

Nung gabing yun, kahit wala akong pera, nakatulog naman ako ng maayos. Mas hindi ko kakayanin kung hindi sila makakabili ng bigas at mapuputulan ng kuryente.

Di ko naman sinasabing wag magtira, meron pa naman akong naitatabi hindi ko lang nawithdraw kaya wala akong pera na hahahaha pero bilang tight na ang budget lalo pang naging tight, talagang kailangan ko pang magdagdag sa pagtitipid. Pero mas okay na ito diba?

Hindi kami mayaman pero mayaman kami sa pagmamahal at pagmamalasakit. Sana wag nating ipagkait kung ano yung tulong na pwede nating ibigay kapag may nangangailangan.

Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?

Being Reactive

For a long time, I am a reactive person, a patola and someone who can’t let things go very easily. In short, hindi talaga ako madaling makamove on from simple yet irritating things. A side comment can drive me nuts and push me over the edge. I get so worked up on trivial things and pour my energy, stress myself more than I should and even if I keep realizing how wrong this is, how I should control myself, my temper and the way I react over things—I keep going back to the cycle. The cycle wherein I can’t allow people to trample over my point and to have my point across all the freaking time. Aside from this is very stressful, it’s also tad bit toxic!

So when I came across what Marts have written, I was again, back to realizing things.

Like how to change my way of living when it comes to reacting, controlling myself and strengthening my walls. I remind myself on a daily basis to keep my walls up and strong! Though easier said than done, with lots of practice, I think I can do it.

I also realized na mas okay palampasin ang mga bagay na wala namang bearing sa ating kaunlaran at pagkatao. That’s why I look up to my mom and Kyx so much when it comes to these things. Sila yung mga taong kilala kong hindi agad natitibag ang mga walls. They can keep calm when everything is turning upside down. Hindi sila mabilis matrigger ng mga shit sa mundo. Mga bagay na nakakaasar. They don’t even waste their time and energy on things so trivial. They shrug it off and go on with their lives, ganyan sila. I wish I can be like that also. Yung walang masyadong hanash.

Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.

Well Fuck It, Depression is Not A Joke.

I want to write something about it when I’m composed and not while I’m all over the place but my goodness, how can someone still be joking about depression?

Here’s a link of a rappler article  I have read (and shared on Facebook) and see for yourself how this public figure commented that depression is a made up disease. “gawa gawa lang yan” he said and I cannot, for the life of me just let it go.

How can someone trivialize my struggle, the struggle of those who have depression, the struggle of the people who have loved ones suffering from depression? You think it’s easy? You think it’s some kind of a joke? There are some days that we try to function normally but in our heads, deep inside, we feel like a mess.

*I am on the verge of tears while writing this so Fuck YOUUUUU Joey De Leon for making me cry because of your stupid ignorance*

I don’t conceal my depression that much. My mom, my brothers, Kyx know it. They all suffer with me, not in a sense that I am a pabigat or a burden but because they know how I am struggling and they wish for me not to struggle at all. But ya see, depression is a devil that can’t just go away when shooed. Depression is a fucking monster. When you think everything is going all too well, you go home, sit in your bed and cry quietly because everything just feels so heavy.

There were times when I am quiet for weeks and Kyx wouldn’t know how else to get me to talk. Of course I talk to him but very very minimally. I stare at the corners of our room and Kyx would try to entertain me just so I could get out of my deep dark tunnel, my depression bubble.

If you don’t know it by now, here’s how depression looks the fuck like.

  • It’s when you smile and you try to be happy and laugh and just go on with your day but you know when you get to be alone, you’ll cry and think how life is going “well” for you.
  • It’s either you crave for so much or nothing at all.
  • It’s when you want to enjoy but you hate yourself too much you can’t even fake smile.
  • It’s when you go to work every fucking waking day of your life and do your job and deal with all the crappy things about work but you don’t get to breakdown because? Because you know not everyone understands the crappy depression thing you have.
  • It’s when everything is colourful and you struggle to stay colourful.
  • It’s when you long for comfort but you want to stay away at the same time because you affect them so much or that’s what you think.

More than that, I’d like to fucking stress that depression is not just crying and crying yourself to sleep and crying when you wake up, crying while taking a bath. Depression is more often than not, feeling empty that you think you’re not even fucking worthy of oxygen.

But you fight. You fight the monsters and evils and demons that depression makes you believe. You fight because you know you can control it no matter how fucking hard it could be. So why the fuck would you even think that depression is some senseless shit people make up? If I could choose, I’d like that depression did not exist at all! People are fighting depression every day and you have the guts to trivialize it and announce that PEOPLE JUST MAKE IT UP? FUCK YOU.

Social Media: The New Burn Book?

DISCLAIMER: My thoughts, my opinions. Let’s discuss in a healthy manner. HAHA

STOP MAKING SOCIAL MEDIA YOUR MODERN DAY BURN BOOK.

I guess we could all say that social media is indeed VERY powerful.

About 5 years ago, my thesis research is about social media and its effects to OFWs and their families. Back then, majority of what we wrote and found out are the positive effects and how it helps the communication in families even when they are miles apart. Now, everything has changed!

Was it for the good or the greater evil?

Recently, I have been seeing “awareness” posts, unleashing the “true colors” of other people for all the world wide web to see. Posts here and there from cheating stories, being a kabit (home wrecker) to a person not paying his/her debts, screenshots of convos, pictures of the people they’re shaming and the list goes on. Different styles, different dramas, same goal = revenge. Revenge by what? Shaming other people? Would that resolve things? I mean they could say “that’s their only way”, why not involve the local barangay, the police, your family, power and other stuff? Other normal and civil stuff.      I mean social media is being used as a tool, the modern burn book of society.

I came across a Facebook post recently about a girlfriend cheating on her boyfriend for the last 7 years. The guy posted the whole story, dropped the names of the guys that his girlfriend apparently had sex with while being on a relationship with him. Unleashing every single dirty detail about that girl he loved for 7 years. Maybe out of spite? Out of anger and uncontrolled emotions? But posting horrible things like that, flaunting the pictures and screenshots of convos without blurring out the names of people who are involved and the like does not even resolve anything. That does not even take away the pain you actually feel of being cheated on. That’s plain pathetic, immature and well—stupid.

I’m not saying that hey, I can solve things easily with other methods instead of posting nasty things, sending screenshots and all but there are a ton of ways to actually solve things. I am not into violence ah, pero sapakin mo na kung may problema ka, di yung post post ka pa, screenshot screenshot pa eh.

Or if you don’t even want to resolve anything with that person, might as well move on, write in your blog, pour out your feelings WITHOUT harming other people’s reputation, dropping name bombs and all that.

I have been through painful shit with my ex-friends but I never wrote their names nor posted their shit on social media because that wouldn’t make me gain anything. And at the end of the day, it’ll make me look pathetic and helpless. I write whatever I feel, I write and have written what I went through as a coping mechanism, something that will help me heal but I didn’t say their names or showed their photos. I’d never do that not because I want to be friends with them still, but because aside from them being my friends for a long time na may pinagsamahan talaga kami, I wouldn’t want to destroy them and blow things out of proportion even more than it has already been 😉

Also, think about the families of these people you’re bashing on social media. They will definitely be affected diba, They don’t deserve that.

If it’s a personal issue or a concern between someone else, don’t involve the public and those who are not to be involved. It’s best to keep it to yourselves and not post crappy things like this.

(May hugot ako sa screenshots? Lol) But diba, it’s weak kasi eh. If you want to argue with someone, awayin mo nalang in person, awayin mo sa groupchat nyo (hehhezz) pero to post for everyone to see? Seriously?

If then that it’s a social issue concerning the country and stuff like that, it’s okay but making Facebook and other social media platforms your burn book? That’s wrong in so many levels.

I am also not saying that it’s okay to be cheated on or it’s okay to be fooled and stuff. All these things that cause so much emotional trauma and pain to others are not right nor will it ever be, I’m just saying that there are other ways to heal and move on without causing havoc and paninira. Cause then if what you’re saying is true, it will resurface one way or another without you—having to say it. Just my opinion heh.

UPDATE: If parinig and rants naman, it’s okay, we all do that we go through stuff like that na nagpaparinig and nagrarant, pero to the point na malalantad muka nung kaaway mo just because super galit ka na or irita ka na at nag-viral na di rin yata maganda? Iba din effects and repercussions not just sa inyong mga involved but to the people. Personal matters, hindi magandang nakikisawsaw ang mga hindi naman kilala.

 

photos not mine, taken from google.