Share Ko Lang: Tulong

Pang ilan draft na to, simula Biyernes sinusulat ko na ito hindi ko pa rin magawang matapos o magawa ng maayos. Ayoko kasing magmukang nagpipreach, o mukang nagpapabebe. Gusto ko lang naman kasing sabihin kung ano yung nararamdaman ng puso ko lalo na nung nangyari ‘to. Gusto ko kasi sana, kung may makabasa nito na ito yung kailangan nila, sana makatulong o makainspire kahit papano.

Ganito kasi yan. Sa tanan buhay ko nakailang beses na siguro yung mayaman kami tapos bigla kaming maghihirap tapos babangon ulit tapos magdudusa ulit tapos babangon nanaman. Nakailang ganyan na kami pero hindi pa rin nababaliw yung nanay ko. Masaya pa rin kaming pamilya in general kaya naman napatunayan ko na yung ang buhay ay minsan nasa ibabaw ka, minsan nasa ilalim ka. Legit yan. Hindi kami nakaranas na permanent kaming nasa taas at permanent kaming nasa baba. Parang gulong lang, gumugulong lang yung mga nangyayari kaya sa awa naman ng Diyos, ang dami kong natutunan at mas pinatatag pa ako ng panahon. YAHOO!

Kaya sa mga ganyang karanasan, lumaki kaming matulungin ng mga kapatid ko. Ngayon, masasabi ko na ang estado naming ay sakto lang. Hindi kami mayamang mayaman, hindi rin naman kami naghihirap ng husto pero tight lang ang budget. Kumbaga ang mga pwedeng makapaghintay na mga bagay, kailangan maghintay. Kagaya ng bagong cellphone, kotse, bahay at mga kung ano ano pa. Ganon lang kami ngayon, kung may matitira sa budget ay hindi naman kalakihan pero proud ako na kahit ganoon pa man, nakakatulong kami sa mas kapos sa amin.

Ang haba na, pano ko ba ito ishoshort cut? Bahala na.

Nung gabi ng October 17, nagmessage sakin si Kuya Theo (nasa Dubai siya) at tinatanong niya ako kung meron daw ba akong extrang pera na maaaring maipahiram sa kamag anak namin na lumalapit sakanya. Kailangang kailangan na daw kasi tapos kung magpapadala siya, hapon pa kinabukasan papasok ang pera. Hindi naman ako nagdalawang isip, tinanong ko lang siya kung magkano gawa ng hindi rin naman karamihan ang extra kong pera. Kagaya nga ng sinabi ko, tight talaga ang budget para makaraos sa isang buwan diba?

Buti naman eh hindi din kalakihan. Hindi lumampas ng limang libo, kaya madali ko rin naman nahugot. Minessage ko na kaagad yung Tita namin na nanghihingi ng tulong at sinabi kong pwede na niyang kunin ang pera dahil nasa bahay naman na ako.

Ilang minuto ko lang din siyang hinintay. Pagdating niya, sinabihan niya ang tricycle na nagsakay sakanya na kung maaaring hintayin siya. Pinapakain siya ni mama ng hapunan pero wag na daw kasi naghihintay nga ang tricycle driver sakanya. Nung maupo sya sa sofa, inabot ko na agad yung perang kailangan niya. Mapuputulan na daw kasi sila ng kuryente at wala nang ibang malapitan. Hindi niya na napigilang mapaiyak, kaya hindi na kami masyado nagsalita pa. Sabi ko nalang sakanya eh okay lang yun. Sabi niya makakabayad na sila ng kuryente at makakabili ng bigas. “sa wakas!” parang biglang nadurog yung puso ko sa “sa wakas!” na sinabi niya, parang ang sakit sa akin na maski bigas eh hindi pala sila makabili. Nung sumakay na ulit siya sa tricycle, hinabol ko at inabutan ng dagdag. Para naman makabili ng pang ulam at kung ano ano pa.

Yun nalang ang laman ng wallet ko. Naibigay ko na lahat. Kaya pag alis ng tita ko, sinabi ko agad kay mama “so ano, may pera ka pa ba ma? Wala na ako pamasahe bukas” sabay hagalpak kami ng tawa.

Maya maya lang may message na agad yung tita ko. Nobela. Ang daming sinabi, habang binabasa ko sumasakit lalamunan ko sa pagpipigil ng luha. Nakakaiyak. Sinabi niyang ang laking tulong daw kasi ng ginawa namin ng kuya ko.

Nung gabing yun, kahit wala akong pera, nakatulog naman ako ng maayos. Mas hindi ko kakayanin kung hindi sila makakabili ng bigas at mapuputulan ng kuryente.

Di ko naman sinasabing wag magtira, meron pa naman akong naitatabi hindi ko lang nawithdraw kaya wala akong pera na hahahaha pero bilang tight na ang budget lalo pang naging tight, talagang kailangan ko pang magdagdag sa pagtitipid. Pero mas okay na ito diba?

Hindi kami mayaman pero mayaman kami sa pagmamahal at pagmamalasakit. Sana wag nating ipagkait kung ano yung tulong na pwede nating ibigay kapag may nangangailangan.

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Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?

Being Reactive

For a long time, I am a reactive person, a patola and someone who can’t let things go very easily. In short, hindi talaga ako madaling makamove on from simple yet irritating things. A side comment can drive me nuts and push me over the edge. I get so worked up on trivial things and pour my energy, stress myself more than I should and even if I keep realizing how wrong this is, how I should control myself, my temper and the way I react over things—I keep going back to the cycle. The cycle wherein I can’t allow people to trample over my point and to have my point across all the freaking time. Aside from this is very stressful, it’s also tad bit toxic!

So when I came across what Marts have written, I was again, back to realizing things.

Like how to change my way of living when it comes to reacting, controlling myself and strengthening my walls. I remind myself on a daily basis to keep my walls up and strong! Though easier said than done, with lots of practice, I think I can do it.

I also realized na mas okay palampasin ang mga bagay na wala namang bearing sa ating kaunlaran at pagkatao. That’s why I look up to my mom and Kyx so much when it comes to these things. Sila yung mga taong kilala kong hindi agad natitibag ang mga walls. They can keep calm when everything is turning upside down. Hindi sila mabilis matrigger ng mga shit sa mundo. Mga bagay na nakakaasar. They don’t even waste their time and energy on things so trivial. They shrug it off and go on with their lives, ganyan sila. I wish I can be like that also. Yung walang masyadong hanash.

Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.

How To Delete?

I don’t know but the purpose of my hard drive has been changed accidentally. My brother initially gave it to me so I can store movies and series and everything I want without worrying about the little space my small laptop could offer. Now, my hard drive is being used to store the junk that I couldn’t delete yet I choose to save for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint.

I am looking for excuses as to why the photos and videos of me and my ex best friends are kept and stored safely on my hard drive when in all honesty, there’s no reason for it at all. When everything turned sour and bad and I was left to rot, there’s no turning back. I know for a fact that no one wants to go back there, in that hellhole of a shitty place. Not even the shittiest person would choose to go back there yet I still choose to keep the memories, the stuff left behind, the ones left for me.

Half of the space used up are because photos and videos and random selfies we took from days when we had solid fun. I don’t think it makes me happy or sad just by looking at it but I keep wondering why is it still there.

A friendship breakup is harder than a couple break-up. Or is it just me? Well, every broken relationship is sick and sad but this, this is crazier than all other break ups because in friendship, no one expects or preempts a break up. Maybe that’s why it is harder.

My hard drive still sits beside me while I’m typing this and I still can’t find it within me to delete everything. Trust me, it’s not like I look at everything and cry. Maybe sooner or later I’ll be able to delete it but until that day arrives, I don’t know what to do with it.

Most of the photos were from adventures we took! Places we visited, restaurants we tried. In those pictures and videos, we looked so happy. We looked unbreakable. But not everything is what it seems to be.

Hindi lahat ng masayang tignan ay masaya talaga. I hate you sometimes, Memories. Nakakagulo ka ng damdamin at isipan. Pakshet.

Lately I have been thinking of how I can start my life anew. Like start on a clean slate.

I started to think about the old friends I used to have and how my life turned upside down. I started my forgiveness since the day I have finally understood that nope, there’s no going back. But forgiveness is a tricky thing and for the first time in a long time, I don’t blame myself for it.

I have pictured and made myself believe that I am walking forward, toward a new life but in reality I was trying to walk forward while turning for over a couple of dozens of times only to realize that there’s no need for me to look back.

Part of my being is keeping memories close to my heart. I can remember even the smallest of details from 20 years ago and it still plays very vividly on my mind as if it was just yesterday. So the problem with letting go of people is the memories I had back with them. I don’t think I was ever prepared that what I have held on for so long—the memories, are made to be forcibly forgotten.

How in the world will I ever forget these when I don’t even intend to remember it anymore? How will I do that?

I got a simple answer care of myself as usual. That’s when forgiveness enters and I must understand its meaning, value and what it entails.

When I forgive these people, I can move forward without hesitations, without looking back and regretting every step I took forward.

There are people I have cut out from my life and there are people who did just that to me. Now, in the midst of trying to let everything go and move on from where I am, I couldn’t help but think how some people can simply cut you off without having closure? But I guess that’s how the cope with things.

I just hope that I can leave everything behind and only look back from time to time without hurting myself on the thought of retracing memories. I just. I just really want to let myself go.

PMS 101

Premenstrual Syndrome this is all too familiar for us women right? I don’t know about you but I have different PMS phases for every month. Sometimes a combination of 2 or 3 emotions hah! For Kyx to understand it better, we both made different phases or stages of my PMS and let me share it with you.

PMS Hungry – this is when I can devour everything in 10 minutes or sometimes, this is when I get hungry every 45 minutes or so. This is the time I crave for random things as well!

PMS Angry – this is when I get angry (mostly at Kyx) even when he just breathes in and out lels.

PMS Happy – this is a rare phase but at least I have something like this. This is when I am very happy and extra considerate of people’s feelings especially Kyx’s.

PMS Lonely – this is when I get sad over everything.

PMS Crazy – this is when a combination of other phases occur!

PMS Emotional – this is the most common PMS phase or stage I have. I cry over small things, I get happy over small details, I get sad over a lot of things—I just go into a wild rollercoaster ride when in this phase.

PMS Auto-Demon – this is my and kyx’s least favourite phase. This is when most probably during full moon lol. It’s when I get really really frustrated that I would get very mad and irrational.

PMS Lovey Dovey – this is when I am extra clingy or I want Kyx to make lambing for as long as I want then make him stop when I am satisfied. Lels.

I guess that’s about it. More PMS phases may be unleashed some other time but for now, that’s all I got. How about you?