2 Nights Ago, Anxiety Paid Me A Visit

 

 

It was a normal day, Sunday, but Sundays always give me that unpleasant feeling. That feeling that forms a lump in your throat and makes your voice quiver. Something that will make you cry at night when no one else can see and hear you. Some Sundays are like that for me, just like last Sunday.

At around midnight, I was throwing a light tantrum. Kyx had to comfort me in so many ways because I was PMS-ing and pissed at the same time for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint. Also, that day, Kyx has a cousin who will be sleeping over and he will be sleeping at the room beside ours. Man, the snoring was so loud! I think the walls were thin but I can’t sleep. I wasn’t able to sleep not until almost 3 in the morning. Man was it such a bad day.

For 3 hours that I was awake, trying to focus on my breathing, trying to fall asleep—anxiety knocked and paid me a visit. It was quick but remarkable, it was one of the visits that keeps me so terrified for days and I can’t shrug it off as easily as I could. In those short time, I felt that it lasted for days. I was able to think about a lot of things like my mind is racing. Let me break it down for you how my anxiety (with a tinge of OCD –rituals) came.

  • I thought about a thousand ways of how I would die. How tragic my pretty little demise would be and how sad it would if I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to those whom I love. I even thought of you guys, my wordpress friends—how will you know I am dead? I wouldn’t be able to tell you and that’s painful for me.
  • I was having a fantasy that Kyx doesn’t love me and that when we get married, he will leave. Not for another girl but because I am so hard to love.
  • I thought about our dogs and I cried because I remember, if I die, I wouldn’t be able to pet them anymore and ugh, it’s so painful.
  • I thought about the death of all the people I love, family and friends and I wanna just stop thinking for a lifetime at this point because my head is literally hurting.
  • I thought about my workload and how the fuck I am going to finish everything because it’s a lot and I feel so sad that I don’t get paid much for all the hard work I do.
  • I thought about the end of the world, how I’ll try to survive, or will I die? Or will everyone else die too?
  • – –

At this point, Kyx is singing me a lullaby. He feels so bad that I can’t sleep. I asked him to play some music, he did, I still can’t sleep. I can’t cry, I don’t feel like crying but my heart is aching so bad. My chest is feeling so tight, my heart is beating fast, my head is hurting, it literally feels like I’m spinning, I can’t breathe, I can’t think normally now because my mind keeps on controlling itself. And then I prayed.

I still can’t sleep but finally, I was starting to calm down. I was starting to feel a little okay. It doesn’t feel normal, no, not yet. But definitely, I am making progress. I finally fell asleep around 3 in the morning but I woke up at around 5. I tried to sleep again, woke up at 6, slept again, woke up at 7.

My anxiety didn’t leave, not until last night. I brought it with me in the office and anywhere I went but alas, I finally felt okay. Thanks to the gummy bears and biscuit shopping Kyx and I did before going home from work.

Who Do You Need To Ignore

Kebs and Wapakels (the art of ignoring or not caring at all)

A guide on how you control yourself in caring about unnecessary things aka those that are not worth a second of your time.

  1. Chismoso and Chismosa – a Filipino slang that can be a noun or adjective, but I’ll use it as a noun (depends on how you use it) pertaining to people who always talk about other people’s whereabouts.

These people do not deserve your time and energy. They are also not worth your emotions so before you react when you learn someone is being a chismoso/chismosa, stop and think. Remember that these people are a.)the ones who do not have anything better to do with their lives. b.) uneducated ones that are not taught to stop talking about other people and their whereabouts because it’s none of their business.

What you need to do: Ignore them. There’s no point in confrontation. What they say about you is none of your business.

  1. That Person Who Hates Your Guts – someone who has a bad blood for you. You know that nagging feeling when you know someone doesn’t like you even if you are not doing anything?

These people is not even worth an ounce of your time. Don’t waste your day away thinking about why they don’t like you. Don’t ever think how you can please them. Never. Just do your thing, be a good person, be civil with them if you ever need to be in the same room with them but never ever think of ways on how you can please them. You don’t need to please people, especially the ones who don’t even like you in the first place.

What you need to do: If you suspect that people do not like you for a certain attitude you have and it’s a negative thing, then try to change it. But if there’s nothing wrong talaga, then chill. Sit back and care less for these people.

  1. That Person Who Is Always Rude To You – someone who is always either sarcastic or rude kahit wala na sa lugar.

These people may think of themselves as funny and popular and powerful but rudeness has never been cute nor funny.

What you need to do: tell them to stop being rude. Call their attention. If you don’t want that, you can simply ignore them. Don’t let them get into your nerves, don’t give them attention.

 

Not wasting your time caring about what other people say can really help you live a happy life. All the nega stuff can be so much of a burden and we don’t have room for that anymore. Kebs lang, ignore, ‘wag pansinin.

A Letter To My Depressed-Self 4 Months Ago

In your 26 years of existence, you didn’t see this coming. You didn’t see that the people you love dearly—whom you have called best friends for many many years, would turn their backs against you. There was this confrontation but you were the only bad guy. No one owned up to their mistakes, no one even saw the bad things they did, they think what they did weren’t comparable to whatever you did. For a time, you will think that you are the worst person in the world but fret not because sooner, you’ll realize everything.

For a long time you carried yourself after that crazy experience ever so heavily. You let yourself be dragged on to this drama and you cried as much as you had to—but surprisingly, tears weren’t shed that long, not much. Not much as you expected.

You didn’t know it yet but you will be stronger. You will find all your broken pieces, even the ones that went missing for a long time. You will patch yourself together without depending on other people. Yes, your family, remaining friends and Kyx were there for you but the only person who can patch you up and piece you back altogether is you and you alone.

Though you think it’s tough, you will eventually be fine. You will be able to move on and be okay. You will forget all the pain and hurt they have caused you. More than that, you will forgive them with all of your heart. You will be able to accept that you have been kicked out of the group you once help build. You will let go of the betrayal and you will stop asking why. Maybe you don’t know how soon but it will be okay, you will be okay.

When your dark clouds left, your days will be brighter and you’ll see the sunshine again even if it was raining. As you see the brightness of the day, you’d realize how much bigger the world is and how small you made it for yourself. Your horizon would be wider and you will realize everything. You will acknowledge the mistakes you did, the darkness you have spread but you will realize how worthy of love and kindness you are. You will stop blaming yourself for everything and you will stand again.

As you are walking towards recovery, you will look depression in the eye and you’ll say ‘fuck off’. You know that it’s still lingering but you’ll realize you’re too blessed to focus on it.

But in those days, the most important thing that happened is the growth. You will learn a lot through this and you will love and appreciate everyone who have stuck with you no matter what. Especially your mom.

Yes you may have done a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are forgivable ones. Yes you may have cried, but you’ll realize eventually that you’re crying for blessings.

You will be okay. Fine. Better—even. Just trust yourself. No matter what.

 

Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

They Will Reveal Themselves

Remember, you don’t have to reveal how other people are. You don’t need to talk about how you see them, you don’t need to tell other people about their “true colors” because you know what? Eventually, they will reveal themselves.

I am a bad case of speaking my mind uncontrollably before. I share my pointless, petty opinions and what I think—mostly about other people’s habits and behaviour. I will tell person B about how person A is and then I end up being the bad guy (always) for speaking my mind when in reality, I just told the truth about how I see other people. I was so confused, baffled and I can’t even believe that they feel like I am destroying them when all I ever did was describe how I observed them. Maybe in the manner of how I said it and the intent as to why I said it is bothersome (before) but I realized soon enough that I should just keep my judgments to myself especially if it’s not important, because after all, I need not tell other people about how other people are because they will reveal themselves in the end.

So queber nalang. Kahit “totoo naman eh” diba? Ipapakilala nila kung sino sila talaga kasi wala pa akong kilalang plastic na napanindigan yung pag-babait baitan niya. Eventually, lalabas ang tunay na ugali nila for the whole world to see. Di ko kailangan i-justify sa ibang tao kung sino at anong klaseng tao talaga sila. Kasi pati sarili nila, kilala nila. ‘Wag na tayong maglokohan. 😉

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I am struggling to find the quote that knocked some sense in me. I want to find it because I want to share it with you guys. It seems so relevant to our lives right now. Thinking how fast paced everything is, how digital everything is and how our days are shorter because of the things that we need to do.

My work and a lot of other people I know feels that an 8 to 5 job is not enough to finish everything. I for one stress out so much on how I plan and schedule everything I need to do for the whole month. I get lost if I don’t follow it and I have to keep track of everything because if I don’t, I feel like my future would suck and it would be a terrible burden for me! Gahd.

So then, I have decided how to take baby steps so that I could live one day at a time.

  • I will only worry about the troubles of today. I will try, as much as I can to stop thinking about the future because it only stresses me out more than it makes me happy.
  • I will remember everything from the past but I will not let it affect my present and future. The past is a learning experience and a distant happy memory. It’s not something I should carry over.
  • I shall stop creating scenarios inside my head. These scenarios do not help me at all. It makes my life so crazy. It makes me so crazy.

I know it’s going to be easier said than done but I shall try. I feel like I’d enjoy my life more if I live for today. Also, there’s no assurance how long we have to live right?

So the message I got today is to make sure I live and stay in the present because that’s the only thing I have right now and the only time I have so I shall live for it, enjoy it and cherish every moment.

Tomorrow is going to be another struggle but let tomorrow be the struggle of tomorrow.

OT Diaries #1

I was aiming for a “no OT” kind of work and I’ve been pretty good at it. I mean I spend so much time at work already, I work from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening—Monday to Saturday. I spend so much of my short life at the office and as much as I can, I try to go home as quickly as possible so I can squeeze some Yoga and quality time with Kyx and my family. However, as I was creating my August calendar, I noticed how my workload just tripled! Our company has a lot of activities and I need to hustle. There are a lot of rushed things I have to do and just thinking of it stresses me out. Gahhh. So basically, my calendar is full!!! I don’t even have space for errors, revisions and chitchats! Imagine how workaholic this August is making me -___- so I have decided to work overtime.

I hated the idea of working overtime. Aside from not having enough quality time with my loved ones, I don’t get to relax and rest. But right now, thinking of actually making an effort and trying to up my game in this field is really gruelling—but for the most parts, worth it.

Since February, I hated my job. I love what I do but I feel like I don’t get the compensation I deserve. I put so much to my work that I feel like it’s not appreciated. It’s like instead of looking at the quality of my job and thinking I did great, it feels like they expect that from me and I’m not comfortable with the idea of having unappreciative people.

Then recently, I went back to my usual programming. Not a workaholic but not mediocre. I was actually almost becoming someone I don’t like when it comes to work and ethics but now I am glad to be back on track. Fuck all those who do not appreciate how much effort I put into my work. As long as I do a good job that I’m actually proud of, I wouldn’t mind putting effort in it.

I will be working overtime for most days of August and probably the most shocking thing about it is I’m not even stressed out. I feel more energized!