Believing in The Power of Prayer

 

 

Every time I try to write about my religious beliefs, I find myself giving you a disclaimer which seriously needs to stop. But here I go again.

I am not like a hard core Catholic girl. I’m just a strong believer and I respect all religions so don’t think this is something about preaching and convincing people to believe in what I believe in. This is a mere projection of what I have experienced and it is something I want to share.

Before I went to sleep last night, I opened the bible and cut through a random page while my eyes were closed. I pointed my finger to the middle left part of the page hoping to see something that will tap and cut deep to my soul. I slowly opened my eyes with excitement and read where my finger was pointed and it says “If you have faith, it will happen. If you believe, you will get anything you ask for in prayers” –Matthew 21:22

There you have it folks. I slept with a smile on my face ready to welcome the coming days with faithfulness. I think it ends there but it didn’t.

At the office, I randomly shared this experience of mine to my friend, Anne. I told her about the verse and she opened her wallet and took a small laminated thing that bears the bible verse I was talking about. She told me that she’ll be giving me her copy because maybe, this verse is really for me,

After what I have gone through for the past months, I can only say that prayers have helped me get through all the crap (aside from family, remaining friends and you guys my readers) prayers have given me so much strength. No I didn’t feel all mighty and powerful after every prayer I said but somehow, it lightens the burden that I have been carrying over the course of time.

Every day, the moment I wake up, I’d say a prayer of thanks that I have been given another chance to improve myself. Another chance to repent and another chance to give my love to the people who have always been by my side. I’d ask for strength and courage to face the day and in most days that I feel restless, I ask that the Lord would give me physical and mental strength to get through the day.

Every night before I sleep, I’d say a prayer telling Him how my day went. Asking for forgiveness when I did a shitty thing. I also ask for healing to those whom I have hurt and for myself as well. I ask that I be given more days to live (even though I have been obsessed with my own death and suicidal thoughts), I ask that my parents, family and loved ones have a longer life so I could make them feel more of how much I love them. I tell the Lord that if I do not wake up, I hope that He embrace my loved ones and tell them that I am at peace.

These are the usual prayers and even though they are simple and ordinary, I believe that God hears my prayers. I believe in the power of prayers, in good times and in bad.

How In The World Did I Find Friends In WordPress?!?

I have been blogging in and out since I was in high school. I always rant and talk about how my day went. Then in college, I started to blog about some of my thoughts that are not pure nonsensical but I was doing it for worthless things. I was writing about what people wanted to read, what’s the trend, I was trying so hard to reach out to an audience. I was all about the likes, comments and numbers of hits and followers! I was doing it all for nothingness and worthless crap.

Then last year, I started to blog here on wordpress. I decided to write about what I honestly think, my realizations, lessons, experiences and all that but the difference is that I was doing it for sheer passion, for helping others, for reaching out to other people while in the process of reaching out to myself. I wasn’t thinking about how many followers I would get, how many likes, how many response. I was just basically putting it out there! Sometimes, I would share my blog to people whom I think would need advice and honestly, I think I was being pathetic in the process but I wasn’t doing it for the blog hits! At least I was trying to help. LOL.

Then I don’t know what happened next. It all came too fast! People started following my blog like from all over the world (I make it sound like it’s a massive follow thing but it wasn’t. It’s just that I am finally being followed without me asking for it lol) so I started reading other people’s blogs and I felt like almost everyone if not all, are sharing a huge chunk of themselves! It was so intimate, personal and full of depth. Then I started commenting, liking and continuously reading post after post of these strangers until such time that I made a connection between them and then BAHM, I got friends overrrrr heeeere!!!!

It was a bit of surprise for me. When I was blogging back then, I knew a lot of people and we always talk in our comments section but after a while it all faded. Here, I don’t only talk to people through comments, I think of them even in the real world. LOL. I mean, I figured that I genuinely care about these then strangers turned to friends! I’d always pull up my wordpress and go to their blogs and read their updates.

THEN I HAD TO GO THROUGH SOME LIFE DRAMA OUT OF THE BLOGOSPHERE.

While I was going through shit, a lot of my friends that I met here showed me support. They were there even if I wasn’t asking for it. They were there even if I didn’t tell them I needed them. They showed me how much the genuinely care and I felt so loved. (This is so cheesy it almost made me gag at how dramatic I can be but whatever hahahaha)

It’s as if they always have my back!

And it did cheer me up. It’s something I would always be grateful for. Then on the process, I met new followers that I consider friends here on wordpress. The connection is just there. No trying hard messy small talks, no overdoing, no overthinking. It’s like everyone is so open minded, everyone is supporting everyone and that’s really something!

I feel like the friends I found here knows the real me more than I let other people in my life on a day to day basis. They know everything that runs in my head, they know my personal thoughts and what I like, what I don’t like. They know everything and still care for me!

So thank you. Thank you for being there for me when other turned their backs. Thank you for sincerely and genuinely caring for me. When I was on one of my suicidal thoughts episode, I even thought of you guys. Like how will you know if I am dead already, I wouldn’t want to not have said farewell! When something interesting happens to me, I want to write it so much so that you guys would know just as I am so interested in all the things going on in your lives hahaha.

Thank you for the friendship. I didn’t know it was possible but it is!!! I am glad I found true friends here. Seriously.

Thank you

Shout out to these amazing people I’ve met here that have been my constants. Truly grateful for you all.

https://thesyntaxofthingsblog.wordpress.com/

https://affectionatelyours.wordpress.com/

https://simplyfernanda.wordpress.com/

https://keys1988.com/

https://curiouspondering.wordpress.com/

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https://ridiculousbharath.wordpress.com/

https://whenwomeninspire.com/

https://simplysaycheese.wordpress.com/

https://destinationenlightenment.com/

https://bequietkate.wordpress.com/

Welcome

https://anonymouslyautistic.net/

https://shereefiala.com/

Home

http://robertapimentel.com/

https://roadtoharmony.com/

https://mydearyellowworld.wordpress.com/

https://lushtivity.wordpress.com/

https://chanellehayleyyy.wordpress.com/

https://owningadogwithanxiety.wordpress.com/

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https://supersweetserendipityblog.wordpress.com/

https://beafreee.com/ https://simpleclaireity.wordpress.com/

https://quarterlifecrisis.net/

https://singlemomstand.wordpress.com/

Sorry, if I had to like do the insert link thing here, it would take me ages to finish. Or do you guys know a shortcut?

Well anyway, I just want to thank you all!

“Kaibigan”

Yung feeling na kung kailan bente-sais anyos na ako, tsaka ko lang nalaman na kahit gaano mo na katagal na kilala, gaano karami ang pinagsamahan niyo ng isang tao, hindi ito sapat na basehan para matawag mo siyang kaibigan.
Translation:

That feeling when it took me 26 years to realize that knowing someone for a long time and going through hell and back together is not enough basis to call them your friend.

Trip Down Memory Lane. For Better or Worse?

If you have been reading my blog for a long time or maybe from April onwards, you would know exactly what transpired over the course of what, 2 months? Yeah.

Some days I feel better, some days I still cry. Some days I think about everything, every moment I spent with these people for more than 10 years, for more than half of my life?! It breaks me, it tears my soul apart, my heart cries as my tears well up.

I always catch myself having a trip down memory lane. A little thing would trigger it and then I head back right where it all started, I recount the fun times, those times when they all have my back, the times when I was there and all that. I spiral down on those times and end up feeling a lump in my throat, my stomach clenches and my heart in my mouth. It’s as if I can’t breathe and I just watch from afar the good old days that have come and past and now, nowhere to be found. It sucks. But how could I say I improved after all these? After all the trips I took down memory lane? Did I become better or worse? Was the feeling still SO BAD? No.

I don’t ask “why?” anymore. The familiar ache, painful stabs in my heart are present but the questioning is not there anymore. No matter how many times I tried to explain myself, no one will listen when they have already came up with the judgment and conclusion for themselves. Before anything else, let me just say that though I still get lost and confused, I strongly feel that every party has done grave mistakes and I can only hope that everyone will realize it sooner or later.

Anyway, yes, I don’t ask the “why?” anymore because despite that I am almost done being angry, I feel a little more grateful that it all transpired.

Had it not happened, I won’t probably be changing my ways! I looked at myself and man was I actually nothing different from terrible. I watch myself crumble every night but I continue to realize that this happened so that I can become a better person. I deserved a better life.

If this didn’t happen, I would probably be in a very toxic environment. I would even be very toxic than ever and it kills me just thinking about it.

This is an amazing learning experience for everyone and as surprising as ever, I feel grateful and blessed to have faced that crazy roller coaster ride. Refreshing, renewing and very much rewarding.

 

(image from google)

Happy Father’s Day, Mom!


Being a father is not just being the male parent in the family. It is deeper than that.
As much as I hate to be stereotypical and sexist, society has long been dictating that being a father means providing well for the family, protecting the family, making sure everyone is comfortable and has their needs and so on. All these things are for me, stereotypical and sexist. Even if you have not given your sperm as contribution to make a child, even if you do not have a child, you can be a “father”. You may be a woman, man, lesbian, gay, bisexual etc., you can and you may be a father figure to everyone around you.

And for the longest time, we were raised to not be held captive of stereotypes and gender issues.

I can remember having a conversation with my mom when I was 7 years old. I asked her if I am supposed to have a dad around family day because all my classmates would have their whole family there. (This is not a dramatic conversation. It was bore out of sheer curiosity and innocence) then my mom said “Not everyone has a dad around them and that’s okay. You have a mom who can be both a mom and a dad! So you don’t need to worry, I got you covered! Plus you have 3 big brothers! Meron ba sila non?” so as early as 7 years old, I know for a fact that my mom can be both and I don’t give the slightest flying fuck whether I have a dad figure with me or not.

So in honor of my mom being everything she could be for her children including a teacher, best friend, girl pal, buddy, movie buddy, scientist, doctor, nurse and of course a dad—we, her children make it a point to make her feel that she too could celebrate this day made for “fathers”.

Happy Father’s Day, Ma! You are my hero and I am very very proud of you. I wouldn’t have it any other way, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

Unchained Train of Random Thoughts not to be Stitched Together on Purpose

 

Disclaimer: I have written snippets and bits of what my heart tells me and take the title for it.

It is such a bad idea to replay over and over again in my head every single detail, every crushing statement, every belittling and every soul-eating phrase they told me. But I guess it only made me much more ‘okay’ than I have ever been. Not totally over it, but I’m getting there.

I have written numerous letters and whatnot that I have never given out to these people. Basically pouring my feelings out, noting every crucial emotion I once had from more or less 10 years ago until about the last 4 months of 2017.

There were so many fun things, memorable moments and amazing life experiences I have shared with these people and before, when everything crumbled down, I thought “did it all go down the drain? Just like that?!?” then I found my answer—no. It didn’t go down the drain. Everything is a lesson learned (the hard way) everything is an opportunity for growth, may it be good or bad.

There are a lot of truths and lies in the small world I lived in for the most part. There were definitely details worth remembering, there were some that are better left to be forgotten. However, both the good and bad snippets are to be remembered, no matter how hard it is for me.

For the past 10-15 years, I have made my world smaller and smaller. Rotating around those whom I chose to be with. I thought it was better and I thought it’s all good. Little did I know that I was moving towards crisis, catastrophe and self-destruction. It was only made worst by the exact thing that happened to me but I figured it was also for the best.

I can’t say that these people were worthless pieces of shits because at one point, I have admired and loved them. I lamented on their loss, their absence. I couldn’t fill the void for a long time and I cried every single time I had the chance. I don’t say much but I still cry about it. I have invested so much but it was destroyed in a whim and that says a lot about friendship and relationship and life!

For a long time I questioned everything they did, everything that was said to me, every action, everything! But the saddest thing was when I started to I question my worth. Why did it have to happen to me? Am I not worthy of goodness, love and friendship? A simple thing that was blown out of proportion has cost me so much and what happened to them? They were all too happy to have kicked me out. No one tried to reach out to me and helped me make amends. Or maybe this is all just too broken to be fixed? Nonetheless, I keep questioning myself and my worth but it got me nowhere near happiness. It dragged me to a hellhole I didn’t intend to visit.

Next thing I knew, I was tallying all the moments I was a good friend to them. I was putting into account all the moments wherein I spent my own bit of personal time just to listen to their woes. I was quantifying everything I did that no one else did for them but what good did it do me? It just made me succumb to anger, grief and loneliness. Then it hit me. I was right! I once was a good friend, great even. Best!

All these time I thought I was doing a lot of people a favour but it blew out of my face. That’s the craziest thing of it all. My intentions were not what they thought and it all lead to me—being the bad guy. But what’s done is done.

Overall, my emotions are all over the place. I keep getting angry but I keep realizing the lessons I have learned and I should really thank them for this. I have been put through so much it was draining but it is an inevitable lesson I should learn—planned by the universe itself! I lost all the investments. Emotionally, mentally, physically, money-wise, relationship-wise. EVERY SINGLE THING. Or that’s how I felt for a time but it all changed after realizing that there are many things I should be grateful for. Especially my family. All the friends I still have. All the career opportunity I have missed because I was too worried to not be with them. I have all the time I can get– to be spent on more amazing things than cry and that’s a good realization I could take by heart.

There are more to this life than the boxed version I once had. There’s more to this life than what I thought I had.

There’s more and I just have to take one step at a time to get closer to my goal.

I have lost so much but I gained tenfold. If they think I am a worthless piece of shit, I trust that they will realize somehow that I’ve been a friend as well when no one else was there for them.

It’s Not Always About You

What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?

There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.

Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.

  1. When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
  2. We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
  3. Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
  4. We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
  5. We are too petty.

Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?

If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.

Real Talk, Pep Talk

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend and bring you down. This is an encouragement in a different light.

I want to encourage people to be as strong as they can. To look at the bright side of things, to appreciate what they have instead of feeling bad for things they can’t have at that particular time.

There are a lot of clichés in this world and to tell you honestly, these clichés may not mean a thing to you but as awful as it is, clichés are true.

Whenever you feel bad about something, when you get bothered or stressed out, when you are hurt by things, events or people who may or may not be close to your heart—you can only cry so much. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel bad but it’s not okay to feel bad for a long time. You have to make sure that you shrug it off your shoulders as soon as you can and this isn’t because you want to prove the world that you are strong and brave. You have to do it because in this world of cruelty, you have to see the greatness. The light. The amazing things. You have to be okay sooner than you think you should because life is short to sulk, too short to hate, too short to cry, too short to be angry!

We don’t have the luxury to live as if we can live forever. Life ends and we know it. We should always treasure life in a sense that we choose to see great things instead of the bad ones. We need to choose happiness instead of loneliness and we need to stay positive.

You see, the problem with people these days is that they feel like they’re so privileged and entitled to a lot of things. Like we think we deserve a lot of good things and cry when bad things happen. We fail to realize that most of the time; it isn’t about our feelings and ourselves. There are greater things in this world and when things do not happen as planned, when you get hurt, when you stay nice but receive rudeness, its’ the universe’s way of reminding you that you are not entitled. No one ever is.

You are not entitled to anything no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how nice you’ve been. The world will keep its pace and spin, the sun will continue to rise and set, night will come as days would and life goes fucking on no matter how badly you feel.

The universe can fck itself and the world will not crumble when you crumble. It doesn’t fucking care about how you feel. Life is like that, you don’t get to have the luxury of feeling so helpless because the only one that will suffer from repercussions of “being so helpless” is you and you alone.

Instead of wallowing on your pain, disappointments and frustrations, you have to stay strong. You have to accept that things happen as it happens and there’s so little you can do to turn it around. Instead, welcome these bad things and stay okay. Every shit that happens to you, could happen to anyone else. It’s not like you are cursed or something.

Get by, move on, move forward, let it go cause life goes on.

Hi Mom!

As I grow older, it becomes more and more real how my mom is my best friend. I used to say she’s my best friend because I know she’s always there for me, she helps me with a lot of things, cooks for me and does a lot of mom-dad stuff for me. Now, I realized how much of an actual best friend she has been!

  1. Just like how a TRUE friend should be, my mom never judges me. My appearance, decisions and choices. She encourages me to build my identity, to grow and learn from my mistakes and has always been with me through everything without judgment!
  2. She makes sure that I am happy and contented with everything. If it seems like I am not, she will point out the things I overlooked and makes sure I am grateful enough no matter how small a thing is.
  3. My mom doesn’t find it awkward to talk to me about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. How cringe-worthy? MAYBE CRAZY CRINGE-WORTHY but I’m glad we talk about everything. From bad attitudes, insights, realizations, reflections to love, sex and BIRTH CONTROL. Man oh man. BIRTH CONTROL. I can’t. HAHAHA.
  4. She cheers me on and makes sure I have a ray of sunshine no matter how gloomy a day can be.
  5. She loves me so much that she shows it every day. We may or may not see each other every day but sure enough, she shows me that I am loved by her.

The world can suck and fck itself but it doesn’t matter cause I am truly blessed I have my mom. I can’t thank the Lord enough how perfect it is that my mama is my mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!

What If The Dead Can’t Hear You?

Why do we always wait for someone to die before we quietly cry as we pour our hearts out while they lie in their coffin? Why do we wait for them to die before we replay all the good memories? Why wait for them to die before we visit them?

Why do we always just look at the dead and wish they could hear the words we wanna say?

Why? What if the dead can’t hear us anymore?

Forguve while you can, speak to people when you can, look them in the eye genuinely and tell them everything you wish to say because if they die, you’re not even sure that they could hear you. Life is short. Remember that. ~