Loving Me #1

August 7, 2018

I decided to make this a series thing because it’s a huge chunk of what I am working on this year.

How did it all start? I’ve tried for so long not to care about what other people would say and think about me but it was soooo hard especially that I have been a people pleaser for a very long time—so changing my ways entirely was a difficult process. But maybe, practice really does help, I was able to slowly immerse myself into the I-don’t-give-a-fucking-damn-about-what-they-say-and-think realm and there’s no going back! *insert victorious laugh*

I don’t know exactly what happened. I just woke up one day and thought to myself that I’m done being the people pleaser that I was. I’m done walking on egg shells around people who do not seem to like me for who I am. I am done sugar coating things, I’m done trying to look good for other people, I’m done not liking myself just because some people don’t like me. I’m just done with all of that and I was like fuck it, I love myself better now and I won’t care if others don’t. I’m done running around the vicious cycle of caring and not caring and then going back to caring again like I was stuck in some loop. I’m done with that.

It was also very toxic for me to keep caring and then out in the back not caring again, then after a while would care again like?? It’s just so fucking confusing already plus I don’t like it when my emotions get the best of me so there’s that.

It’s just (I’d say this again and again) so freeing to just be able to love yourself and not care whether they like you or not.

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Kanlungan

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang kadahilanan ng pag-eemo ko sa kantang Kanlungan. Pero sa tuwing naririnig ko, parang sumisikip yung dibdib ko, parang nalulungkot ako na naiiyak na ewan. Yung boses pa kasi ni Noel Cabangon kasabay ng gitara at bass, ng mga second voice na mukang ako lang nakakapansin. Yung kabuuan nung kanta lalo na yung lyrics parang wiw nakakaewan. Siguro kasi sobrang relatable niya hindi lang about sa isang aspeto ng buhay. Parang ang daming nacocover kagaya ng pamilya, pag-ibig, pag-kakaibigan, oras, alaala. Parang lahat ng memories mo, huhukayin nung kanta, bubulatlatin hanggang sa umiyak ka ng umiyak. Kasi kahit yung mga masasayang alaala nakakaiyak eh. Mga alaala kasama yung mga mahal mo sa buhay na nauna na kasama si Lord, mga taong dating lagi mong kasama pero ngayon hindi na, yung lahat ng alaala na gusto mong balikan pero hindi mo na mababalikan kahit anong gawin mo. Yung feels na parang nag-retreat ka tapos wala kang ibang magagawa kundi balikan lang sa utak mo lahat ng napagdaanan mong masaya at malungkot pero hindi ka na makakabalik sa mismong moment na yun kasi wala na. Lumipas na.

Natatandaan mo pa ba nung tayong dalawa’y unang magkita? Panahon ng kamusmusan, sa piling ng mga bulaklak at halaman doon tayo nagsimulang mangarap at tumula.

Natatandaan mo pa ba inukit kong puso sa punong mangga at ang inalay kong gumamela? Magkahawak kamay sa dalampasigan malayang tulad ng mga ibon. Ang gunita ng ating kahapon.

 

Mga dati kong kaibigan ang naaalala ko dito. Sabay sabay kaming lumaki, pero hindi ko na mababalikan yun at tanging masasayang alaala nalang yung natitira.

Ang mga puno’t halaman ay kabiyak ng ating gunita sa paglipas ng panahon bakit kailangan ding lumisan? Pana panahon ng pagkakataon, maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

Mama ko at papa ko naaalala ko dito; Nakakalungkot isipin na tumatanda na yung mga magulang natin. Yung bang dati nakikipaglaro lang sila sayo, sila lang yung mundo at buhay mo, tapos kailangan ka nilang i-let go at some point kasi lumalaki ka na at gusto mong ma-explore pa ang mundo at buhay.

Nakakalungkot isipin na lahat ng bagay nagbabago kahit hindi mo napapansin, hindi mo namamalayan. Derecho lang ang takbo ng oras, walang hinihintay. Kung mabagal ka o mabilis, hindi mag-aadjust ang oras para sayo. Hanggang sa pag lingon mo, ang dami mong napalampas na mga pagkakataon, mga times na sana nakasama mo pa ng matagal yung pamilya mo.

Ngayong ikaw ay nagbalik, tulad ko rin ang iyong pananabik. Makita ang dating kanlungan, tahanan n gating tula at pangarap, ngayon ay naglaho na. Saan hahanapin pa?

Dito naman, mga kapatid ko yung naaalala ko. Yung hindi pa kami magkakahiwalay, yung hindi pa komplikado ang buhay. Mga bata pa kaming walang alam sa future, sobrang idealistic namin na ang iniisip naming ay hanggang sa pag-tanda, magkakasama kami. Hindi pala ganoong kadali ang buhay.

Lumilipas ang panahon, kabiyak ng ating gunita, ang mga puno’t halaman bakit kailangang lumisan? Panapanahon ng pagkakataon maibabalik ba ang kahapon?

At lahat ng mga kapamilya ko, mga tiyahin, tiyuhin, mga alaala, mga masasayang moments, mga nakakaloka at nakakalungkot. Dito ko yun naaalala lahat.

Siguro ang reflection ko sa kantang ito ay yung pag-checherish sa mga moments na meron tayo. Tuwing may chance tayong makasama yung mga mahal natin sa buhay, huwag natin i-take for granted kasi hindi natin alam kung hanggang kailan ba sila nandiyan. Hindi natin alam kung mabibigyan pa tayo ng ibang pagkakataon para makasama ulit sila. Tapos lahat ng mga moments, pagkakataon na meron tayo, hindi na natin yun mauulit. Kahit yung feeling na na-feel natin sa mismong moment na yun, hindi na mauulit kasi ibang feeling naman yung mararamdaman natin sa ibang pagkakataon. Lahat ng lumilipas, lumipas na. Hindi na mauulit yung mismong oras na yun. Huwag natin masyadong inaalala ang future, let’s cherish our present kasi minsan lang to sa buhay natin. Ang lunes ngayon ay iba sa lunes sa susunod na linggo, tandaan mo yan.

Tapos, matapos ang kanta, iiyak nalang ako ng iiyak HAHAHA. Joke. Masyado kasi akong maraming feelings kasi sobrang sentimental kong tao. Hindi ko na siguro maaalis sa akin yon kasi kahit maliliit na bagay at alaala, tinetreasure ko yun eh. Kaya kapag naaalala ko, very meaningful sa akin, nasesenti talaga ako. Kayo ba, nasesenti ba kayo sa Kanlungan? Ano yung mga kantang nagpapasenti sa inyo?

Forgive And Let Go, Aila!

Today I’m letting go. It’s been a year of saying and being sorry to this person who can’t forgive. To this individual who may have the ability to forgive but choose to fight hurt with hurt.

I was wondering why some people can hurt other people deliberately and not be sorry about it. I wonder how some people can wake up every morning and sleep soundly at night knowing that they have hurt someone. I wonder how some people can live day by day knowing that a person is trying to reach out not for friendship but for letting loose a grudge, pain and heartbreak.

(Or baka ako lang yung nagsasaalangalang sa ibang tao? I got so mad at this individual pero mas pinipili kong magpatawad at magsorry kung nakasakit man ako dahil una ayaw ko ng may mga kasamaan ng loob at pangalawa, mag-best friends ang tatay namin. Nilalagay ko yun sa unahan dahil ayokong malagay sa alanganin ang tatay ko.)

But then again we can’t control other people and how they react. We can’t force them to be soft hearted when they’re not. We can’t tell them to be this way, to act like this because for sure, there’s a reason as to why they are doing what they’re doing.

Kaya naman I am letting go of that person and the pain. I will not pretend that that person do not exist, I will just let it be. If I let go of the pain and hurt, I unburden myself of the baggage that I shouldn’t even be carrying in the first place. Let go of the people who hurt us, let go of the pain they brought and forgive them.

Easier said than done but this is definitely easy if you have a kind heart.

Because when you’re hurting someone and when feelings are involved, the bahala ka sa buhay mo attitude does not reflect kindness. It reflects kontrabida-ness teh.

Hindi pwedeng laging nagmamatigas para protektahan ang sarili. Hindi pwedeng laging galit agad ang pinapairal natin. Because at the end of the day, the person who holds the grudge will never be able to let go of the pain.

Ikaw, oo ikaw nga, kung iyan ang nagpapatulog ng mahimbing sayo, nakakapagpasaya sa buhay mo, yung nagpapagising ng may ngiti sa labi mo, then so be it. Pero tandaan mo, kung walang pagbabago, ibang tao ang laging magaadjust at masama pa rin talaga ugali mo, it’s on you. You will never be truly happy in life.

Control Freak

Every day, I make it a point to find windows of opportunity for growth so that I can be a better human being. I always reflect the moment I wake up and before sleeping at night thinking about what I can work on about myself, what I am doing wrong and how I can make things right moving forward.  There were days when I can say I’m doing really well and there were some that I can’t help but succumb into negativity and toxicity—like last night.

I usually go to bed at around 11pm. That’s the latest I can keep my eyes open on a work night but last night was different. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I have to be up by 7 yet I can’t sleep because I kept thinking about something negative, toxic people and toxic attitude. I was submitting myself to the burden these negativities are bringing and for a second, it felt as if it’s the right thing to do. Then my rational self, snapped me back to reality and I had to talk it out with Kyx.

Of course, Kyx being the best and chill-est person in the universe, told me to let go because I wouldn’t achieve anything good in this. Feeling bad and absorbing all the negative energy will not make me feel good in the end. Of course it wouldn’t.

I was trying to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Why do I put myself through unnecessary stress and frustration? Why can’t I let go of the thought easily?? I know I can let go, I know I can move forward but why do I felt stuck?

The answers did come the moment I woke up. I was back to thinking why I sacrificed my precious sleep just because of the things I was thinking about.

I always wonder why I end up frustrated even over trivial things—control. I want to have control over every little thing there is. It’s so selfish of me to be that way, I know.

It’s like whenever I lose control and things do not go my way, being the control freak that I am—I lose it! I get so freaked out and it just goes downhill from there. Wow. Being a control freak is so stressful!!

Now that I know what it is that makes me succumb to these negative thoughts and toxicity, my goal is to let it go and stop controlling everything! Aside from it being selfish, it’s not practical and realistic. I’m just burdening myself with unnecessary stress and anxiety. It’s totally not worth it.

It’s going to be a long process but at least I found out what’s wrong and what I need to fix.

Do you have a most recent “me project” wherein you’re trying to be a better person? What is it and how are you moving towards self-improvement? Let me know 🙂

I Like Myself

It’s the first time in a long time that I can truly say how I like myself now so much more than I ever could have before. You know, the constant thinking of am I being liked enough, do these people like me, what can I do for these people to like me, I think they’re annoyed, why are they annoyed, they might not like me. These questions have kept me locked in an insecurity bubble I have created for myself but this time, I’m out of it. I’m done. I realized that I like myself a lot and I don’t need anyone’s validation anymore. As long as God likes me enough, then I’m good to go!

Those where my thoughts before I went to bed last night. I am more confident in my own skin now, I like how I look, I don’t care if people don’t like me, I don’t care if they don’t think I’m pretty and this feels sooo sooo good.

Of course there will still be days that I will not like myself but I trust that it won’t be as much as I did before.

Happy Tuesday!


photo not mine.

Maybe I Need A Drink or Two

Well for some weird reason, I can’t stop thinking about alcohol. When I was in my early twenties (shet bat parang it was a long time ago na???) Probably around 20 to 25, those were my walwal days. Not the kind of walwal wherein I go out and party and get so smashed. My walwal days were the days I’d like to call “Chill Walwal”. Because it’s often done at our old apartment’s garage, in my room, in my house, at a friend’s house just drinking and talking the night away. But drinking really excessively while talking I might say.

I had this really bad habit of drinking a lot and enjoying how heavily intoxicated I was. Nothing wild but just really sorta high haha. Those were the days. I usually do that in my house with 2 of my best friends. (not my besties anymore haha) and now, all I can think about is how much I loved drinking! You know like alcohol was an old friend who I always talk to way back but I only visit a few times these days because adulting suddenly surfaced? Ah man, I miss the chill walwal days.

Now that I am an adult, I enjoy a half bottle of wine as night caps, a few beers here and there, drinking with only myself. I guess it can be satisfying more often than not but drinking in solace never really was a problem. I guess it’s sometimes fun to drink with your friends too no?

Hay nako, I don’t know what my point is here. I just really really want to drink right now!!! hahahahah

Delays and New Beginnings Part 1

They say that planets in retrograde right now may have an effect with our daily lives. Let’s all congratulate the planets that are in retrograde for actually succeeding in affecting my life so much. Hahaha kidding aside, I think that these planets may really have an effect on me but God really has a plan on my life. He’s currently working on it and knowing that I did my best, I just have to wait for the perfect timing before I embark in my new life journey!

I am so excited! Thank you to all those who wished me well and even prayed for my heart’s desires. Na-achieve natin!!

Now, with Mars being on retrograde, my start day is a few months delayed hahahaha but all is well. I am actually too blessed to stress myself out with small inconvenience. Yay!

How are you all doing?