My Year for The Lord

When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.

My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.

Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.

This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.

Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!

For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!

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7 Things for 2018

Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.

  1. I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
  2. I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
  3. I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  4. I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
  5. I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
  6. I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
  7. I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.

Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.

Hello!

There are a lot of things going on in my life lately that I didn’t even have a chance to greet everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Or maybe, ayoko kasing magpabebe na bumati pero hindi naman ako festive talaga tapos napipilitan lang. Kaya hindi nalang din.

I realized that on Christmas Day and on the first day of 2018, I was crying my eyes out. What a way to celebrate right? Soooo emotional. Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed the holidays spent with family and friends. ❤

I am trying so hard to write about everything that’s been happening but I just can’t bring myself to finish whatever blog post I started and it’s so frustrating. I guess, I’m on a writing slump or there’s just a lot going on that I can’t help but feel so shitty.

**tagalog incoming**

Over the past months kasi ang daming ganap diba, ang daming hanash ng mundo tapos kailangan ko lang mag-keep up kasi hindi naman talaga titigil ang mundo sa pag-ikot dahil sa kalungkutan ko at mga kung ano anong nararamdaman. Hindi maganda yung family set-up namin kasi may mga hindi magandang nasabi na hindi mo maintindihan bakit nasabi. Basta ang sakin lang, kapag ganyan ang isang anak sa magulang, kailangan niya sigurong mag-isip isip. Mag-reflect at magpakumbaba. Tapos sa side naman  ng papa ko diba namatayan kami so ano ba diba, sobrang nakakalungkot yon. Ni hindi naman ako makauwi kasi walang bakasyon bakasyon dito sa office namin tapos death anniversary ng kapatid ng mama ko nung nag-Baguio kami. Sa likod ng masasayang larawan, nakalakip doon yung mga lungkot na dinadala namin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap na masaya, gusto ko lang klaruhin na hindi lahat ng mga nakikita nating nakapost sa social media ay bunga ng pagpapasarap sa buhay. May mga storya sa likod nito na nakakadurog ng puso. Sobra kong frustrated talaga kasi ilang pasko na ba kami ganito diba? Lagi nalang. Tuwing magmomove on kami, madadagdagan ng kalechehan.

Nung bisperas ng bagong taon, nagdinner kami sa bahay ng tita namin at dun na rin naming sinalubong ang bagong taon ng maraming pagkain at wine. NKKLK.

Bagong Taon naman ay reunion sa side ng lola ko. Masaya lagi doon kahit simple lang. Favorite ko ang January 1 dahil nakakasama ko ang pamilya namin sa side ng lola ko.

Masaya na malungkot. Masaya kasi ang dami daming bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat, pero nakakalungkot dahil may mga pangyayari na hindi mo talaga maiiwasan. Nasaktuhan lang na wrong timing.

Kaya ayan ngayon. Hindi ako masyado nagkakakausap ng mga tao, hindi ako masyadong nakikipagkwentuhan kasi lalabas lang yung lungkot ko, makakahawa lang ako ng ka-negahan. Tapos may mga bagay din na hindi ko naman alam paano pa sasabihin at ikukwento kasi yung ganitong mga bagay, kailangan ko lang talagang tanggapin eh. Walang formula, walang kailangang opinyon kung papaano ko makakayanan to kasi ako lang din mismo ang makaka-solve nito sa sarili ko. Sad. Hahahah.

Kaya pasensya na kung hindi ako masyadong nagrereply o hindi ako masyadong nakikipagusap. Ganon lang talaga ako. Coping mechanism ko siguro ang mapagisa kung minsan.

What A Crazy 2017 It Has Been!

2017 whooped my ass real good and it’s such a mix of ill feelings, pain, hurt, grief, loss, confusion with love, joy, contentment, happiness, working on yourself, finding your missing pieces and mending everything that was broken inside you.

Let’s have a rundown of how 2017 was for me:

  • January – Welcomed the New Year with a hopeful heart!
  • February – My anxiety worsen this time of the year and had a few breakdowns but of course, Kyx was there to help me out.
  • March – Finally, my mom stopped working and was focused on her health!
  • April – I turned 26, I lost my best friends, my depression was the worst yet, anxiety and panic attacks almost every day. I wanted to die, I wanted to get ran over by a truck or something, I wanna get drunk all the time, I was in bad shape, I gained SO MUCH WEIGHT, my fat percentage was the worst. Everything seems to be blowing up on my face every single time. This was such a bad month but this is where I started learning, leaving my old bad ways, finding my old self, putting back the pieces I have lost and appreciating every single thing more than ever.
  • May – I was slowly going back on track. There were fallouts but I am fine. I got to meet a lot of new friends from the blogosphere and also from the real world heh.
  • June – This was when I was really trying my best to know myself and move the fuck on.
  • July – I think this was one of the smooth sailing months. Most of my days in July were pretty chillaxed.
  • August –My best month amongst the other months. Kyx celebrated his 26th birthday and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It was lovely. I think this month made me forget all the pain that I have went through and oh, this month is when I started to really make friends and have been part of TFIOB (if I’m not mistaken hehehe)
  • September – This month was pretty okay. Though I still get dark days, I found out I have a support system in different individuals who always help me get back on track. Aside from family, kyx and a few others. Jolens, Amielle, Kate, Kat, Space, Aysa, Lu, Kuya Jheff, Kuya Keso, Jas, Lhory, Gerry, Chammy from TFIOB helped me in times I needed clarity and friends.
  • October – My mom celebrated her 55th birthday! It was an okay month.
  • November – It was such a stressful month for me. I kept struggling.
  • December – I got to see my dad again after soooo many years of being apart. I finally got to meet a few bloggers (from TFIOB) over coffee and doughnuts! I got to spend time with my family when we went to Baguio, I enjoyed December though there were still ugly days especially on Christmas day when I was having a meltdown.

All in all, 2017 was a great year of finding myself and learning from my mistakes. It showed me that there’s so much more to life than my little emo self.

2017 was a tough but also a blessing. I am hoping for a better 2018. Something light, easy and great. I am actually having anxiety just thinking about the problems I’d go through but I am praying that after the hell I went through in 2017, I deserve a little chill. Please Lord. Hehehe

Hope your 2017 was okay and that our 2018 will be amazing! Cheers!

3 Perfect People

I’ve got but another realization post that may sound a bit angsty so I’ll save it for later. For now, let’s look at the bright side and bask in the light and love that we are blessed with.

Earlier today and a few days back when I was in Baguio (of course before and after my melt down) I realized the good things life has to offer. I was expecting a perfect life, an easy life but if it were to be easy, would it be life at all?

I was thinking how I don’t have a ride or die friend because I had one before but lost her, then I remember that I have my mom! Not everyone can have a ride or die mom as a bff. Like I keep saying, my mom is someone I can trust, I can rely on and someone who will just be there. Every mom is different from each other but I best believe that every mom is perfect for their daughters (at least I’d like to think that hah) so I may not have a ride or die friend, but I sure have a ride or die mom and that’s all there is to live with! HEHE.

Kyx is anchor (aside from mom). He keeps me into place when strong currents try to carry me away and how can I forget that for a second?! All my breakdowns, my meltdowns and stupid cryola festival that I star into, he is there to hold me and assure me that THINGS. WILL. GET. BETTER. I also like to think that once you find a partner, like a soulmate (I’m not sure when you’ll find it but when you do, you’ll know), you’ll understand that each partner is perfect for the other. He gets me, he really does. He knows what to say (except when he’s trying to piss me off purposely), he knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

Altheo, my kuya. I like to joke that he’s my twin brother because we sort of have a “twins instinct” but the only twinning thing about us is our names so I have to live with that lels. We are the exact opposites! I am the reactive sibling, emotional and easily pissed off and he’s the other way around. He calms me down and keeps me sane just when I need to and I do the same for him in the rare occasions that he’s losing his shit.

Overall, these 3 people are the perfect people for me. As in yung perpekto para sa isang kagaya ko. They fill my holes, the missing pieces and the gaps. So when I get sad or lonely again, I’ll think about having these people in my life and I’m happy again!

When you get lonely over trivial things or when someone upsets you or you think no one is there for you anymore, think about all those who are going to be there for you. Your ride or die kind of people. And like my brother would jokingly say, “yung tipong pitpitan at basagan ng bayag, walang iwanan”

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

2017 made sure I learned a lot from life, friends, people, experiences, attitude, personal growth and love. I realized many things and even though I have to learn some things the hard way, I am glad it all happened.

Have you ever said this phrase or have someone said that in your face?

“I’ll always be your friend no matter what”

I realized that we say nice things, heart filling things like this but when all else fails, we forget the true meaning of it. If you said that you’ll always be a friend “no matter what” for me it should mean that whatever shit you go through, may it be hell and back, you’d stick with each other and try to patch things up as hard as you can because there are things in life that would test a friendship. It should not always be about good times, you have to share bad times too and when you go past that then that’s when you’ll know a friendship is true.

I will keep in mind for as long as I live that the words I’d drop are words I can live by.

I hope you guys do that too.

#SaveSAID

Help me spread the word, help us by signing the petition and having other people sign the petition to #SaveSaid by clicking on this link: https://www.bataris.org.ph/petitions/savesaid

I am an alumna of Miriam College and I am proud that we have a program for deaf students through MC-SAID or Miriam College Southeast Asian Institution for the Deaf. Do you know that we have classes shared with deaf students and they teach us more than we teach them!! They teach us simple phrases, they help us learn ASL and they show us that no one is of a disadvantage when you believe in yourself. When I was in my freshman year, our final practical exam is cheer dancing and our deaf classmates joined us! As in I swear walang reklamo and they even attended practices ON FREAKING TIME and participated like they’re not having a hard time.

Proud pa naman ako na we have an institution for the deaf tapos biglang ganito? Help us save SAID.

Don’t strip off our deaf brothers and sisters the opportunity of learning.