It’s the first time in a long time that I can truly say how I like myself now so much more than I ever could have before. You know, the constant thinking of am I being liked enough, do these people like me, what can I do for these people to like me, I think they’re annoyed, why are they annoyed, they might not like me. These questions have kept me locked in an insecurity bubble I have created for myself but this time, I’m out of it. I’m done. I realized that I like myself a lot and I don’t need anyone’s validation anymore. As long as God likes me enough, then I’m good to go!
Those where my thoughts before I went to bed last night. I am more confident in my own skin now, I like how I look, I don’t care if people don’t like me, I don’t care if they don’t think I’m pretty and this feels sooo sooo good.
Of course there will still be days that I will not like myself but I trust that it won’t be as much as I did before.
photo not mine.
Well for some weird reason, I can’t stop thinking about alcohol. When I was in my early twenties (shet bat parang it was a long time ago na???) Probably around 20 to 25, those were my walwal days. Not the kind of walwal wherein I go out and party and get so smashed. My walwal days were the days I’d like to call “Chill Walwal”. Because it’s often done at our old apartment’s garage, in my room, in my house, at a friend’s house just drinking and talking the night away. But drinking really excessively while talking I might say.
I had this really bad habit of drinking a lot and enjoying how heavily intoxicated I was. Nothing wild but just really sorta high haha. Those were the days. I usually do that in my house with 2 of my best friends. (not my besties anymore haha) and now, all I can think about is how much I loved drinking! You know like alcohol was an old friend who I always talk to way back but I only visit a few times these days because adulting suddenly surfaced? Ah man, I miss the chill walwal days.
Now that I am an adult, I enjoy a half bottle of wine as night caps, a few beers here and there, drinking with only myself. I guess it can be satisfying more often than not but drinking in solace never really was a problem. I guess it’s sometimes fun to drink with your friends too no?
Hay nako, I don’t know what my point is here. I just really really want to drink right now!!! hahahahah
They say that planets in retrograde right now may have an effect with our daily lives. Let’s all congratulate the planets that are in retrograde for actually succeeding in affecting my life so much. Hahaha kidding aside, I think that these planets may really have an effect on me but God really has a plan on my life. He’s currently working on it and knowing that I did my best, I just have to wait for the perfect timing before I embark in my new life journey!
I am so excited! Thank you to all those who wished me well and even prayed for my heart’s desires. Na-achieve natin!!
Now, with Mars being on retrograde, my start day is a few months delayed hahahaha but all is well. I am actually too blessed to stress myself out with small inconvenience. Yay!
How are you all doing?
My cousin, Ace Cargado who is barely 3 months old was born with a rare disease called Prune Belly Syndrome.
According to rarediseases.org
Prune-Belly syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett syndrome, is a rare disorder characterized by partial or complete absence of the stomach (abdominal) muscles, failure of both testes to descend into the scrotum (bilateral cryptorchidism), and/or urinary tract malformations. The urinary malformations may include abnormal widening (dilation) of the tubes that bring urine to the bladder (ureters), accumulation of urine in the ureters (hydroureter) and the kidneys (hydronephrosis), and/or backflow of urine from the bladder into the ureters (vesicoureteral reflux). Complications associated with Prune-Belly syndrome may include underdevelopment of the lungs (pulmonary hypoplasia) and/or chronic renal failure. The exact cause of Prune-Belly syndrome is not known.
Right now, baby Ace needs immediate medical attention and an operation because this baby is now holding on for dear life. Instead of being confined in a hospital, he is at home because their family cannot afford treatment and confinement.
Baby Ace resides in Nasugbu, Batangas Philippines.
Please help raise funds for his hospitalization in any way you could. Contact me through my Facebook: Aila Cargado or my email email@example.com
This means a lot to me and our family. Your prayers are also well appreciated, please pray for baby Ace and his family in this tough time.
P.S. I have yet to find out the exact amount he needs but any amount of your prayers and donation will be well appreciated and we will be forever grateful. Kahit dasal lang.
More than a year ago, I forced myself to create a new world for me. A place where I will be at peace with myself, a place where I am in control of who I let inside my heart and my life. It was so difficult at first. Mahirap matalikuran and at the same time, talikuran ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo for 15 years. It wasn’t an easy choice but a choice I have to make, a choice I have to do for myself. A choice that will help me move on and heal. And it was the only choice so I have to make do of it or I’ll let myself sink.
At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to live with it, that I will be lonely and sad all through my days because I am so used to having these people in my life despite everything but look at me now, I am still so full of life! I am alive and definitely happier?! I never have imagined myself being so grateful about this.
I’d have to say that reminiscing never helped me. It still makes me a bit sad that things took a different turn. I would always think to myself that I could have done things differently but it won’t be of any use now would it?
I’ve learned so much about friendship and relationships. How to treasure people and how to love even more.
I’ve learned so much about myself. I saw what I was doing wrong and I rectified it. I redeemed myself through these heart breaking experiences and that made me a better person!
Yesterday I was seriously feeling triumphant that I survived a year without these people. Not that I don’t miss them now. I can’t say anymore that hindi ko na sila namimiss or naaalala because deep down inside, I still do and I’m not afraid to admit it, not even to myself. I just feel really good na kinakaya ko and kaya ko pala talaga.
Last Thursday, I started thinking randomly and asked when will I ever bear a child? I am already 27 years old and my chances of have a risky pregnancy is getting higher and higher but here I am, still childless, not pregnant, no husband whatsoever hahahahahah
When I wrote about it a day ago, my friend Kat commented and then I just started realizing a lot of things like:
- Boy I sure do am not ready for motherhood that’s why God is still not giving me a child (I’m also on birth control so it’s sort of impossible to actually get pregnant hehe)
- Being a mom requires a whole lot of sacrifice on a different level and I don’t know if I am mature enough for that kind of sacrifice.
- Moms give up some of their little happiness (not all of their happiness kasi moms should be really happy too in order to bring happiness in their home) and I’m not sure if I’m ready giving up some of my little happiness like enjoying a cup of coffee silently, lazing around at home doing nothing, watch Netflix until my head hurts and eyes twitch, lay in bed all day just because; without my child throwing a fit, calling me “mom” a million times, crying, being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
- Me time would be so much reduced. Reading a book quietly or being able to paint as neat as possible with be close to impossible once I get to have a child.
- My patience should be endless so I still need to practice that I think.
- I don’t have enough money to raise a child how can I even dream about it already??
- I can’t take good care of myself most of the time and I rely so much on my mom, Kyx and the maid (sometimes lang sa maid ah haha) so how can I take good care of my kid???
- I would probably have to let go of random meet ups, coffee dates, movie dates, ramen dates, spontaneous Cubao expo trips because I wouldn’t want to leave my child at the care of my mom or yaya.
So definitely, I am not capable of being a mother. My golly, I salute my mom even more and all my mom friends out there!! Grabehaaaan pala ang hirap at sakripisyo ng isang ina talaga.
My mom would always tell us that we will probably realize everything when we become parents ourselves, I am not a mom just yet pero narerealize ko na how hard it is to become a parent. And everything I wrote are just a bunch of selfish and childish things I think about right now. Wala pa the sacrifice you have to do in order to save money and send them to reputable schools, buy them things they need and want, be prepared when your child gets her heartbroken because of bullies or toxic relationships, raise them really really well and be good people. Wala pa talaga sa kalingkingan ang realizations ko yet it’s already THIS hard. Hahaha. Saludo ako sa inyo mommy Meg, Aubrey, Jhem, ate Chococake. ANG LALA. Ang husay niyo!
I finally can breathe again today. After a gruelling meeting last night, I’m hopeful that this day will be okay.
Let me share with you my random thoughts this morning and my oh my, I don’t know if is it because I can finally have time to think and breathe again or because I had a cookie for breakfast? Lels.
Random Thought #1: When can I have the courage, money, guts to bear a child? I am not getting any younger and I want to have a child already but I can’t. Priorities. Hayy. Although people tell me that God will provide, I know that somehow, I am still not ready despite the fact that Kyx’s parents keep saying that we should probably give them grandchildren already but.. hahaha. Di ko pa keri.
Random Thought #2: How can you fall so deeply in love with someone? It’s so surreal! Falling in love is so magical not because you feel all cute and lovey dovey but because of the fact that you didn’t expect to love someone like that? Or is it just me? Haha.
Random Thought #3: I am still grieving with my loss for the past years. Loved ones died, friends left—it’s not easy to deal with loss and for someone like me who gets so easily attached even with things (case in point: my payong) it’s hard to keep going. However, I came to realize that even though I suffered from broken relationships, I still have people, some from the old life some from the new who will always be there for me no matter what. I’m just so freaking thankful to have these people huhu.
Well it feels good to nilay nilay sometimes. Back to war and hell next week but these nice thoughts will keep me smiling for the rest of the day I guess.