There are days when you simply don’t feel good enough about yourself that it takes extra effort to like how you look and this is one of those days. I ate insecurities for breakfast today so I don’t know what’s up. I can’t blame my hormones again or the planets, it’s just plain insecurities creeping in when you least expect it.
I knew it was a bad idea to check someone’s profile but I still did because I’m an idiot. So I saw this beautiful photo and though I know it’s heavily made up (as in gawang make-up artist talaga, mukang wedding stuff levels ganern) plus the fact that I know how that person truly looks like under the make-up, I still felt ugly. (hoy althea, bakit insecure ka masyado???? Oa mo)
I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. That I am not beautiful and I look like shit. And though I know it’s not 100% true (the fact that I look like shit cause we all know I don’t really HAHAHAHAH) why did I feel shitty?
I don’t know. So here’s something we can all agree on when insecurities are served for breakfast, lunch and supper.
Things To Remember:
- Do not go checking someone’s profile or look at someone’s photo when you know you’ll end up regretting it. (wag kang pacheck check kung mapapangitan ka sa sarili mo after mo makita ang “after” photo from the make-up artist)
- People do not post unflattering photos of them most of the time. (so anong problema mo diba? Alam naman natin pare-pareho na kung ano ang maganda, yun ang ipopost)
- Stop eating insecurities any time of the day. It will not do you any good. (ang daming food choices for breakfast like self-love, acceptance, care and understanding, bakit insecurities ang napili mo today?)
- We are all created different and equal. Stop looking at Brenda’s and Susan’s. At the end of the day, everyone is beautiful and ugly all at the same time. I mean everyone feels the same thing and they just don’t say it. (quits lang gurl)
- The surface do not matter as much as what’s on the inside. Your soul should always be the more beautiful one than your face.
There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.
I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.
Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.
- To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
- To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.
Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!
We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.
That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?
I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.
Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.
So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!
Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!
See the first entry of what I like to call a ‘series’ here. (I wanted to link it pero wala palang kwenta so wag na hahahahaha)
Anyway, I have written about a dozen instalments of “loving me” but I figured I want to write it after observing progress that’s why we’re only at the 2nd part haha!
In this entry, I’d like to note the changes I have made.
- I am naturally a brave person. I guess I grew up that way not only because I am a batanguena but also because life was such a struggle that I had to be palaban. However, for the past years, I mellowed down because I am trying to be someone I am not. I always have someone I look up to and I imitate the style of that person when it comes to coping hence I struggled. Hindi naman talaga ako mahinhin, I just wanted to be that kind of person back then but after everything, I know I am not supposed to be like that. Hindi bagay.
- I am not afraid anymore to speak my mind talaga. As in totally I can say my feelings, ideas and opinions no matter how different my views are not only because of my personal development but I found people I can talk to in a way that I don’t need to sugar coat. (Shout out to Airah, Yana, Kat, Kyx’s friends and Kapitbahays *wink wink*)
- I don’t stress myself and put unnecessary pain in my heart anymore because kebs.
- I acknowledge my feelings and I don’t blame myself for feeling the way I am feeling. I realized that no one can invalidate how I feel so, kebs na din. Before, I will invalidate my own feelings thinking na maybe I was just too sensitive when in fact mali pala talaga ang ginawa sa akin.
- I hear other people out more now than I did back then. I respect their thoughts and opinions without judging them for it.
- I give more of my time now to others and spend it fruitfully. I am always so lazy and even afraid to go out and socialize even to people I like but things have changed already and I am liking that I have balanced me time and time spent with others.
I guess I made a huge progress and I can’t wait to write more in the future!
I am happy with how things are for me, focus lang and more effort pa! Whoo!
I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:
- You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
- You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
- You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
- You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
- You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
- You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
- You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.
So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.
Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.
The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.
I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.
So thank you.
Ilang buwan na ang allergy ko. Ganoon talaga kapag pollen season, tiis tiis.
Mga bandang alas tres nagising ako, kasi barado yung ilong ko. May sipon mula sa allergic rhinitis ko na kailangang isinga.
Tinapik tapik ko si Kyx gamit ang mga paa ko. Nag-doDota pa rin siya.
Ako: Sisinga ako, di ako makahinga, sisinga ako.
Wala na kaming tissue pala. In game siya pero natataranta kasi wala na din makitang sisingahan ko.
Nagising ang diwa ko nang bigla niyang hinubad yung tshirt na suot niya para singahan ko.
(alam ko nakakadiri na sisinga ako sa damit pasensya na ahahahahahha)
Pero ang sweet nakakaiyak eh.
May mga maliliit na bagay na ganito, nakakadiri pa nga kung tutuusin kasi sisinga ako sa damit eh diba pero alam mo yun???? Yung simpleng gesture na ganon? Yung dahil wala siyang maibigay sakin, hinubad niya yung damit niya para dun nalang ako suminga. Di bale nang lamigin ng bahagya, para lang may masingahan ako. Lord, ano ginawa ko para madeserve ang taong ito. Hayy. Kinikilig ako.
Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?
If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.
- Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
- It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
- A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!
I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.
And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.
Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.