Realizations About Motherhood from A Person Who is Not a Mother Yet

Last Thursday, I started thinking randomly and asked when will I ever bear a child? I am already 27 years old and my chances of have a risky pregnancy is getting higher and higher but here I am, still childless, not pregnant, no husband whatsoever hahahahahah

When I wrote about it a day ago, my friend Kat commented and then I just started realizing a lot of things like:

  • Boy I sure do am not ready for motherhood that’s why God is still not giving me a child (I’m also on birth control so it’s sort of impossible to actually get pregnant hehe)
  • Being a mom requires a whole lot of sacrifice on a different level and I don’t know if I am mature enough for that kind of sacrifice.
  • Moms give up some of their little happiness (not all of their happiness kasi moms should be really happy too in order to bring happiness in their home) and I’m not sure if I’m ready giving up some of my little happiness like enjoying a cup of coffee silently, lazing around at home doing nothing, watch Netflix until my head hurts and eyes twitch, lay in bed all day just because; without my child throwing a fit, calling me “mom” a million times, crying, being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
  • Me time would be so much reduced. Reading a book quietly or being able to paint as neat as possible with be close to impossible once I get to have a child.
  • My patience should be endless so I still need to practice that I think.
  • I don’t have enough money to raise a child how can I even dream about it already??
  • I can’t take good care of myself most of the time and I rely so much on my mom, Kyx and the maid (sometimes lang sa maid ah haha) so how can I take good care of my kid???
  • I would probably have to let go of random meet ups, coffee dates, movie dates, ramen dates, spontaneous Cubao expo trips because I wouldn’t want to leave my child at the care of my mom or yaya.

So definitely, I am not capable of being a mother. My golly, I salute my mom even more and all my mom friends out there!! Grabehaaaan pala ang hirap at sakripisyo ng isang ina talaga.

My mom would always tell us that we will probably realize everything when we become parents ourselves, I am not a mom just yet pero narerealize ko na how hard it is to become a parent. And everything I wrote are just a bunch of selfish and childish things I think about right now. Wala pa the sacrifice you have to do in order to save money and send them to reputable schools, buy them things they need and want, be prepared when your child gets her heartbroken because of bullies or toxic relationships, raise them really really well and be good people. Wala pa talaga sa kalingkingan ang realizations ko yet it’s already THIS hard. Hahaha. Saludo ako sa inyo mommy Meg, Aubrey, Jhem, ate Chococake. ANG LALA. Ang husay niyo!


Thursday Thoughts

I finally can breathe again today. After a gruelling meeting last night, I’m hopeful that this day will be okay.

Let me share with you my random thoughts this morning and my oh my, I don’t know if is it because I can finally have time to think and breathe again or because I had a cookie for breakfast? Lels.

Random Thought #1: When can I have the courage, money, guts to bear a child? I am not getting any younger and I want to have a child already but I can’t. Priorities. Hayy. Although people tell me that God will provide, I know that somehow, I am still not ready despite the fact that Kyx’s parents keep saying that we should probably give them grandchildren already but.. hahaha. Di ko pa keri.

Random Thought #2: How can you fall so deeply in love with someone? It’s so surreal! Falling in love is so magical not because you feel all cute and lovey dovey but because of the fact that you didn’t expect to love someone like that? Or is it just me? Haha.

Random Thought #3: I am still grieving with my loss for the past years. Loved ones died, friends left—it’s not easy to deal with loss and for someone like me who gets so easily attached even with things (case in point: my payong) it’s hard to keep going. However, I came to realize that even though I suffered from broken relationships, I still have people, some from the old life some from the new who will always be there for me no matter what. I’m just so freaking thankful to have these people huhu.

Well it feels good to nilay nilay sometimes. Back to war and hell next week but these nice thoughts will keep me smiling for the rest of the day I guess.

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Are You A Ticking Time Bomb?

What to do when you are not happy but you can’t pinpoint the reason why you’re sad?

Have you ever felt like a ticking time bomb and you didn’t even know you are one until the point that you are just about to explode? I don’t know exactly why some of us are like that (I am included) but maybe there are a lot of factors like your environment, your background, how you were raised, your personality and the list goes on. So I can’t speak in general but I’d speak openly about myself and my own experiences.

If we are not in a social kind of setting (a party, a meet-up, a getaway, outing, gathering, reunions etc.) I normally am quiet, reserved, shy. I don’t look approachable either. I have this focused look on my face when I’m writing or reading, I don’t look at people, I don’t listen to what they’re saying unless they’re talking to me. I keep to myself a lot hence the twitter account (I speak the things I can’t say out loud on twitter so deal with it haha)

Over the past year, I have developed into having a friendlier face (still not friendly enough) but people still wonder if I’m mad, angry or going through something. I like to think a lot and I don’t say things outright. Delayed reaction ako lagi mga besh. I don’t comment or react instantly but when the situation sinks in, you’re in for a ride.

So in a nutshell, I keep to myself, I’m quiet and I don’t talk if I don’t have to but there are a lot of things going on in my head that once triggered, it’s either I’ll throw a fit, shut you out of my life or worst—give in to panic and anxiety. You see if you’re like me, a lot of emotions and feelings get bottled up inside so when I get upset, I don’t even know what exactly upsets me simply because I didn’t react right away or I didn’t deal with it the moment it happened. I have the tendency to shove it at the back of my head only to pop up right when my emotions are about to explode.

Now, here’s what I do to deal with things like this.

  1. Take a step back and listen to yourself. Talk yourself out to handling your emotions well by practicing to feel what needs to be felt at a given moment.
  2. If you feel like crying, cry it out. You don’t always need to understand why because it will only mess you up a little more.
  3. Once you’re calmer, try to analyse and understand yourself as to why you felt like crying or why are you upset. Evaluate what triggered you and what your actions should have been at that time.
  4. Take your time, being okay will not happen even if you already want to be okay.
  5. Get yo ass on to the mat and do yoga! (or meditate, do anything that helps relax your mind)

Last week I was so stressed out that I ate so many cookies and did yoga. I have to pay for the calories now so I’d go boxing but now I can’t because I spent so much on skin care again. Now I think I have to look for a new coping mechanism hahaha. This cookie and online shopping thing is bad. So bad. Hahaha

Hereditary: A Must Watch

If you are looking for a good review, something that you might actually want to read—this is not the place haha. I suck at reviewing things. I have the best intentions, I swear—like being able to help readers  get a glimpse of the experience from a book, movie, beauty product etc. but I just fail to create a helpful review!! I don’t even know how to review things so this is going to be another fail attempt that might probably get unpublished even after writing this but whatever. Let’s get to it!

If you got stressed out watching A Quiet Place, this is a notch higher!

The film Hereditary is an amazing horrifying film we never expected to exist up to this day. It’s about grief, family issues, mental illness and insert all sorts of dysfunctional, cringe-worthy, weirdo vibes. The movie will not spoon feed you, will not hand you the details right out. It will also not give you the cliché jump scares, scary faces and too much gore and blood but it will creep you out to the bones.

I guess it’s creepy like CRAZY because it draws you in through emotions. It makes you squirm to your seat from the littlest of details by how cringe-y this is going. It’s so eerie because you feel a whole lot of emotions the characters are feeling and you just have this dumb scared look on your face without the film needing to put aswang and ghosts and creepy creatures wandering. It looks so abnormally normal that you want to get the hell out of the cinema because of the legit goosebumps you’re having and quite frankly, I kept thinking to myself that this is not really scary but my heart is in my throat and I want to just disappear!

Towards the end of the film, that’s where the crazy shit starts to happen and no one, NO ONE is prepared for it. Everything just goes haywire from there and the big revelation is too fucked up for my life. Then the credits roll in and everyone is just left again with that dumb look on their faces, still scared as hell and ughhhh like my mind was all “what the fuck did I just watch????” seriously, even hours after the movie, I am still so fucking scared and jumpy and stressed out. It was so creepy and freaky that I had to pray solemnly 3 Our Fathers while on our way home because it was still that scary for me.

Now, this review is not a review but a showcase of how I felt so maybe this helps too? lmao

Now, I liked how this is such a smart horror film that didn’t use the typical scary sound effects and annoyingly scary random faces popping for about 3 seconds.

I rate this about 4.5 stars over 5! There are some plot holes and I’m confused whether I didn’t get that part or if it’s just so messed up. However, this is an effective horror film and I don’t believe I have seen anything as creepy as this film so go try to see this film and let me know what you think!

Plastic (?)

Isa sa mga bagay na we fail to do is maappreciate ang maayos na confrontation. Hindi ko alam kung sa culture ba nating mga Pilipino ito o sadyang ganon lang talaga ang nakararaming taong nakakasalamuha ko. Takot sa confrontation kaya naman nagiging plastic nalang.

I’ve been there, done that. Pero sa totoo lang, mas mahirap maging plastic. Isang skill yun na hinihinang. Talent kung tutuusin. Kasi hindi lahat ng tao kaya yun gawin. Sinubukan kong gawin yun noon pero hindi ko kinaya. Kaya kung ikaw, plastic ka, ang galing mo. Hanga ako sayo hahahaha seryoso.

Kung meron tayong kaibigan, merong pinagsamahan, mahalagang tao ito at importante sa buhay mo mas maganda sigurong kapag may nagawa siyang mali ay kausapin mo. Sabihin mo kung ano ang mga bagay na pwede niyang iimprove. Sabihin mo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo in a nice way, yung hindi pasugod at hindi paaway effect. Yung civilized kang nilalang. Wag kang wild.

Dahil ako, naniniwala ako sa confrontation na healthy. Mas naaappreciate ko ang maayos na confrontation dahil pinapakita mo dito na gusto mong maging maayos ang relasyon niyo. Pinapakita mo sa isang tao na gusto mong maintindihan ang mga kilos niya at sinasabi niya, gusto mong ipaalam na may nararamdaman kang hindi maganda o nasasaktan ka. Kasi ibig sabihin may pagpapahalaga ka sa relasyon mo, may pake ka.

Kung bakit nga ba mas pinipili nalang maging plastic eh mas mahirap yun kaysa makipagusap ng maayos?

Siguro hindi madali ang confrontation, minsan nakakakaba o nakakatakot pero kung iisipin mong mabuti, walang mawawala sa iyo lalo na kung para sa makakabuti ang gagawin mo.Tsaka like I said, mahirap talaga ang pakikipagplastikan. Sobrang nakakadrain ng energy yan. Isipin mo yung tinitiis mo makipagngitian at makipagusap sa taong may ill feelings ka naman? Diba?

Wag nating payabungin at hinangin ang kaplastikan. Hindi siya healthy mga beshies. Tigilan natin haha

“Walang Reason, Ayaw Ko Lang Talaga Sakanya”

“Di ko nga alam kung bakit ayaw ko sakanya eh. Di ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis. Naiinis at ayaw ko sakanya talaga for no reason at all! Di ko talaga alam kung bakit”

Hahahahahahahahahaha walang ganyan. Hindi yan nageexist. Luko loko ka ba?

May reason pero hindi ka lang handang aminin maski sa sarili mo kung ano yung reason na yun. Kadalasan ang root cause niyan kasi ay hindi mo matanggap kaya nagkakasya ka nalang sa “walang dahilan, di ko alam ang dahilan” excuses.

Reason #1: Inggit

Maaaring naiinis ka kasi may mga bagay na meron siya na wala ka. May mga kaibigan siya na gusto mong maging kaibigan, may mga tao sa buhay niya na gusto mong magkaroon din ng ganoong klaseng tao pero tingin mo, wala ka.

Reason #2: Insecurity

Insecure ka sa mga bagay na kaya niyang gawin. Sa kung paano niya nadadala ang sarili niya. Sa kung paano ang suot niyang damit at sapatos ay bagay sakanya at sayo, tingin mo hindi. Naiintimidate ka sa kung papaano siya magsalita at kumilos.

Reason #3: Pagsasalita

Minsan may paraan siya ng pagsasalita na hindi mo nagugustuhan. Maarte, slang, may accent, malakas ang boses, mahina, mahinhin. Hindi mo gusto, hindi pumapalakpak ang tenga mo.

Reason #4: Pananamit

Hindi mo bet kung ano ang suot niya. Pakiramdam mo papansin. Baka masyadong loud o kaya naman ay lousy. Hindi mo trip yung style.

Reason #5: Mga Kasama o Kaibigan Niya

Meron siyang mga kaibigan o taong laging kasama na hindi mo gusto kaya naman hindi mo na rin siya gusto. Kumbaga damay damay na ‘to.

Laging may rason. Hindi pupwedeng wala. Wala man sa mga choices ko na inilatag, paniguradong meron kang rason. Ano ka sira ulo para mainis ng walang dahilan? Hindi ganon. Kaya bullshit yang mga “walang rason. Di ko alam kung bakit” kasi kung iisipin mong mabuti, mayroon yang dahilan. May rason kung bakit umaayaw ka sa isang tao, may nagagawa siya na ayaw mo. May kinikilos siya na ayaw mo. May something. Ngayon kung hindi mo mapin point kung ano yung something na yun, bigyan mo ng oras at panahon yung sarili mong isipin yun. Alam mo kung bakit?

  • Sayang sa energy yung may ayaw kang tao. Lalo na kung wala namang ginagawa sayong masama. Kung tuwing nakikita mo siya ay naiinis ka, tuwing naririnig mo ang boses niya nabubwisit ka—ikaw ang talo dahil ikaw tong nakakaramdam ng negative na emotion eh.
  • Kung ang ginagawa niya ay negative at tingin mong hindi tama, sabihin mo para magawan niya ng paraan. Kung hindi niya naman aayusin, hindi mo na kasalanan yon.
  • Maiksi ang buhay para magfocus sa negative energies na dala ng walang kwenta mong excuses kagaya ng “di ko alam kung bakit pero naiinis ako sakanya” diba? Mukang ewan.

Tapos isipin mo din ito:

  • Natutuwa ba naman siya sayo?
  • Nabubuhay ba siya para i-please ang isang kagaya mo?
  • Tama lang ba yang attitude mong naiinis ka pero wala naman sa lugar?

At higit sa lahat, Ikaw ba gusto ka niya? (hahahahaha taena lakas mo maka-ayaw hahaha)

Mahirap talagang maging tao pero hassle na nga ang buhay ngayon dadagdagan mo pa? Eh kung maging mabait ka nalang kaya? Napakaselfish kasi ng attitude na naiinis ka sa ibang tao without even thinking kung ikaw ba ay nakakainis ka rin ba? Kasi diba, kung nagiisip ka ng maayos, kung matino ka at mabait ka, diba considerate ka? Hindi mo isusubject ang isang tao sa sarili mong criteria kasi hindi sayo lang umiikot ang mundo. Hindi ikaw ang laging iintindihin at uunawain. Hindi ikaw ang laging pakikibagayan.

Sana tayo bilang tao, may ganyan tayong mindset. Hindi yung basta na lang pabugso bugso ang actions natin nang walang concrete na dahilan. Kasi sa totoo lang kung hindi man ito nakakaapekto sa taong kinaiinisan mo, let’s say wala naman siyang pake (kagaya kunyari ng mga taong parang si Kyx na may bahala kayo diyan attitude) pero kasi may impact ito sa iyo. Sa mental health mo, emotional health mo pati na rin sa social skills mo diba?