Adulting at 26 So Far

With my recent ganap in life and having only a month before I turn another year older, I was once again compelled with a thought that I think, helped me feel better.

So if you are curious as to how it is being 26 or 27, here’s what I can say so far. I know it will be different for everyone but whatev.

  1. Adulting is never over, never easy and there’s no getting used to. It’s as if you’re being able to grasp things when all of a sudden, life throws you a curved ball. That’s how adulting is. Okay ka na pero biglang hindi pala. Ganon lang.
  2. You will go through several emotional and mental breakdowns but you will be okay. Every once in a while, we need to cry and stress ourselves, doubt ourselves a little so we can figure out that we are capable of being calmed under pressure, strong and efficient. Momma didn’t raise a weak ass bitch and we want to make our momma proud. Kailangan akala mo muna hindi mo kaya pero sarili mo lang din ang magpupush sayo para marealize mo na kaya mo. Kaya mo naman pala talaga.
  3. You can’t sulk over stuff way too long because trust me, THINGS. NEED. TO. GET. DONE. no matter how hurt or unstable you are, there are things that needs to get done like taking care of your dog, paying the bills, going to work etc etc. Hindi ka pwedeng maiyak iyak lang sa isang sulok dahil ang dami mo pang kailangang gawin at hindi yun magagawa kung iiyak ka lang at iintindihin ang mga problema mo sa buhay.
  4. There are a ton of things that you would have to do alone and once you have done it, you’ll love it and realize that well, you now prefer doing things alone. Heh. Hindi habang buhay may makakaladkad ka na makakasama sa errands mo at kung ano pang ganap.
  5. When you feel stuck, trust the process. You’re not stuck, you just need to be patient.

So ikaw, you can do it!

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Iyakin and God’s Love

If there’s one thing I am good at, it’s crying. I get so emotional over things so easily. From simple and petty things to huge things, expect me to cry.

Whenever I meet people for get togethers, events or stuff like that, expect me to feel drained and overly emotional for the next couple of days. I’ll shut down for a while and will not talk nor be interested in anything at all. All these happens when I am drained from too much social activities or I got disappointed on a situation and I can’t quite grasp on an idea so I shut down.

Saturday was my college friend’s bachelorette party. It was so fun! After not seeing these people for years, I got to spend time with them which is UH-MAY-ZEHNG! Went home a bit drunk and happy but my heartburn is acting up because of tequila and with little to no sleep at all, my head was pounding. I missed church and the birthday party of my godson Alex. Monday, I missed work (not that I feel bad but hahaha)

So nothing went my way yesterday. It was crappy. It was a bad bad day. I can’t talk about it yet but it was just so bad that I ended up crying then falling asleep and then waking up to cry once more.

I was not able to eat dinner because I kept thinking why I was acting so dumb? Why am I still crying over crappy things? So while Kyx was eating dinner, I sat quietly, wiped my tears away and talked to God. I asked God what is he trying to tell me. Why do I still have to wait when I can get it instantly? Why do I have to wait when obviously, I need it ALREADY?! Then it’s like my mind suddenly began working again. My brain cells are energized and my heart is not as heavy when I realized that maybe, God is making sure I really want this. That he is assuring me of his perfect plans, that he’s never late because he’s always on time and how can I forget that? How for a split second can I forget that his plans are better than mine?

Did you think I stopped crying? I cried once more. HAHAHAHA but because I am overwhelmed with how God shows his love for me.

Then I stopped crying and proceeded on catching up with Scandal. Heh

 

From The Baker of The Best Brownies In The Entire Universe

*dito yung picture. di ko pa rin napipicture-an ng maayos pero kailangan ko na ito maipost. sobrang tagal na eh*

Though I have not tasted the brownies myself just yet, I believe that she makes the best brownies in the entire universe.

Went home feeling sluggish after a hard day at work. I wasn’t really feeling well that I didn’t want to eat dinner but as Kyx was forcing me to eat my chicken and rice, his mom handed me an envelope saying that something arrived for me!

I saw the address, where it was from and I knew that what I have been waiting for has finally arrived!! My blogger friend, Space made Christmas Cards and sent it out to people special to her. Imagine my *kilig* receiving one!?!

Sa sobrang kilig ko naubos ko agad yung dinner ko while reading her handmade card. I feel so loved!

The card is so crafty, creative and I LOVED IT SO MUCH!

I love love love receiving letters and cards from people. Feeling ko nanalo ako lagi sa lotto. So everytime someone gives me a letter or a card, I treasure it more than material things.

Si Kyx mas gusto niya ako dati bilhan ng mga kung ano ano. Stuff na magagamit, damit, sapatos (kasi konti lang yung ganon ko eh) but when he knew me more, he realized that a simple letter and card can do wonders in my spirit. Ibang level talaga ang nagagawa nito sa akin eh. I feel so loved lagi (di ko pa ba na-establish yon haha)

Mahilig kasi ako magsulat sulat sa mga tao, binibigyan ko sila ng mga post-its (lalo mga ka-officemates ko) mahilig ako magbigay ng love letter sa mom ko at mga kapatid ko, sa dating mga friends ko lagi ko din sila sinusulatan kasi iba yung dating ng letter at card eh, parang galing talaga yun sa puso. Parang pinaghirapan, pinagisipan, pinag gugulan ng panahon. It doesn’t mean that material things and other gifts are less valuable and precious but it’s just my preference.

Anyway,

SPACE, thank you so much for giving me this card. It’s so crafty, so creative and beautiful! Nagkaroon ako ng idea dun sa banner na name using beads. Gagayahin ko one of these days hahahaha. Ang ganda ganda, ang galing galing mo. I love it huhuhu. Ibang klase. Ang sosyal ng card galing SG, forever ko itong itatago dahil ito ang symbol ng ating friendship hihi. Kahit LDR tayo, damang dama ko lagi ang love at suporta mo. Thank you so very much!! Yung mga cards naman na ipapadala ko sainyo, sa February na kaya hintayin mo ha?

I love you Space!

This was written on the 13th of January. Hindi ko mapublish publish dahil walang maayos na photo hahaha. -___-“

“Lalaki ang sa amin, walang mawawala, walang talo.”

DISCLAIMER: Natrigger ako magsulat nito dahile may dalawang naguusap sa FX kaninang umaga na sa kanila daw kasi ang babae eh nag out of town keme so siyempre sabi ni Tita #1 kay Tita #2 na talo sila kanila ang babae at sa other party eh wala naman daw mawawala. HAHAHAHAAH dahil di ko sila kilala at hindi ko masabihan, isinulat ko ito para malabas ang damdamin ko. HAHAHAHA

Bago ang lahat, wag nating idamay ang relihiyon dito dahil usapang pantao ito. Damdamin, social issue o kung ano pa mang lehitimong tawag sa topic na tinatalakay ko. Hindi dapat kasali kung ano mang relihiyon o paniniwala pagdating sa diyos dahil kahit ano pa man ang relihiyon mo, nasasaktan ka, may damdamin at may pakielam sa pakikipagkapwa tao. Kaya kung relihiyon rin lang ang banat, wag na dito. At tsaka ang gusto ko lang kasi talagang pagusapan ay yung kakitiran ng utak ng mga tao na iniisip na may mawawala sa babae o matatalo ang isang babae kapag iniwan. Alam ko nakapagsulat na ako tungkol dito eh. Kaya lang nagreresurface nanaman kaya banatan ulit natin.


Kapag nagsama ang isang babae at isang lalaki, o nag live-in o nagpakasal lagi sinasabi na ang lalaki naman ay walang mawawala at walang talo. Siguro kasi kapag nabuntis ang isang babae, siya ang magdadala non for 9 months. Pero ang lalaki sasabihin nila na parang wala lang, walang nagbago nakabuntis man o hindi.

Pero kasi 2018 na ang hirap pa rin ba lalo na sa mga Filipino na tanggapin, pagaralan, pagisipan ang gender equality?

Bilang babae, hindi ko maiwasan na mainis o magpuyos ang damdamin kapag naririnig ko yung mga sinasabing sa babae kasi may mawawala o matatalo. Sa paanong paraan ho? Ano ho ang mawawala? Excuse my French pero magpapakatotoo na ako ah, mawawala ang alin? Ang virginity? Alisin natin ang mga pangkatolikong paniniwala o kung ano pa man. Tao sa taong usapan lang. Kung (gustong gusto kong isulat yung terminology na naiisip ko kaso baka sabihin niyo bastos pero isusulat ko pa rin) kik* lang rin ang basehan, sumisikip naman yon kahit gamitin mo araw araw. Scientifically speaking, hindi yan lumuluwag o nawawala sa porma via natural sexual intercourse. Ano pa? Ano pa mawawala? Yung innocence, nawala na yun matagal na. Ano pa? Alin pa? Yung puri? Ano bang ibig sabihin para sa inyo ng “puri”? Sa tekstong sekswal lang ba ang sukat at basehan? Oh come on. Puri my ass.

Sa lalaki din naman may nawawala. Nawawala din ang virginity nila. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan sa kung paanong paraan natatalo at may nawawala sa babae at sa lalaki naman ay wala. Walang talo. Puro panalo lang. Contest ba to na may nananalo at natatalo?

Kasi magwork man ang isang relasyon o hindi. Magkaroon man ng anak o hindi, wala naming nananalo at natatalo. Sige let’s put it this way, nagkaroon ng anak ang isang magkarelasyon. Iniwan ni lalaki si babae at ang anak. The end. Anong talo don? Makakahanap si babae ng kapalit ni lalaki kung yun ang destiny niya. Kung iniwan man siya sa kung ano mang kadahilanan hindi matatapos ang buhay doon, hindi titigil ang pagikot ng mundo at lalong lalo na walang contest na may nananalo at natatalo.

Kung si babae naman ang umiwan kay lalaki at sa anak nila ganon din naman. Makakahanap din si lalaki ng kapalit, aalagaan din niya ang anak, masasaktan din siya, pagdadaanan din niya ang emosyonal na trauma pero makakabangon din siya diba?

Tigil tigilan niyo ako sa mga talo ang babae. Hindi na makakahanap ng matinong lalaki gawa nang nabuntis na siya at iba pang keme at may anak na siya at kung ano ano pang katangahang banat.

Babae o lalaki, may anak o wala, may sex na naganap, walang natalo at walang nanalo. Mag-iwanan man sila, masakit yun at may emotional baggage silang dala pero walang mas kawawa lalo na kung gagawin mo yung best mo para makaahon ka sa kalugmukan.

2018 na ang sesexist parin. Pwe.

Ewan ko ba. Nakakainis. hahahahhaha


UPDATE!

Sensitibo ako pagdating sa topic na ganito dahil I came from a broken family. Kung mabasa man to ng pamilya ng ama ko o ng pamilya ng mga kapatid ko o kamag anak ng mga kapatid ko sa tatay nila, this is not intended to offend pero basehan ko lang yung katotohanan na ang mama ko mismo ang nagdesisyon na makipaghiwalay sa tatay namin ng mga kapatid ko dahil hindi na nagwowork yung relationship. Itinaguyod niya kaming mag-isa, walang tulong ng kahit na sino, hindi kami pinagaral ng mga kamag anak namin at mama ko lang talaga. Siya ang sumalo at umako ng lahat ng responsibilidad ng isang magulang pero NEVER kong nakita o naramdaman na kawawa siya. Namulat kami na matatag siya, matapang, may diskarte sa buhay. Lahat ng kinakain namin, pinangpapaaral sa amin sa kanya lang nanggaling. Wala kahit na sino ang nagbigay samin ng suporta maliban sa kanya at hindi ko nakitaan ng kahinaan kahit na alam kong mahirap magtaguyod ng limang anak na magisa ka lang. Kaya ako, ayokong naririnig na kawawa ang babae kapag iniwan. Dahil una sa lahat, kaya rin ng babaeng mang-iwan. Pangalawa, hindi kawawa dahil basta kakayanin mo at magsusumikap ka, hindi mo hahayaan ang sarili mong maging kawawa. Pangatlo, inexplain ng mama ko sakin na noong unang panahon lang kawawa kapag iniwan dahil walang walang aral o trabaho ang karamihan sa mga kababaihan (di ko alam anong year yon, baka di pa nga ako inuumpisahang buuin ng magulang ko noon) pero iba na ngayon. Ang babae, may pinagaralan, may trabaho at lumalaban.

About naman sa gender equality, ang lalaki din naman kapag iniwan hindi rin siya dapat maging kawawa. Ang lalaki kapag niloko kakayanin din niya dapat makaahon sa sakit na dinulot ng failed relationship. At kung sakanya iwanan ang anak, kayang kaya rin niyang palakihin iyon.

Kaya wag na tayo sa double standards. Masakit sa tenga marinig yun eh. Dapat pasulong, paangat. Lalaki o babae, walang kawawa at walang talo. Tandaan nyo yan.

Update: Feb 12-16

I haven’t been writing not because it feels like a chore but I have a lot of things going on in my life that I just do not have enough time to write anymore. Sobrang lala haha.

Anyway, let me start this post by telling you that FINALLY (as in oh my god talaga), Finally I am forgiving people that caused me pain and that I understood everything now. So I guess, I just freed myself from the burden of thinking too much, not letting go, not letting God do his thing etc etc. and I am happy huhuhu after trying so hard faking it, after going through the loop of being happy and sad and happy again and then sad again, I’m back to normal!

  • I was going to write about this but I was not sure if she wanted to be exposed like this pero, I’m writing it now anyway haha à I met up with Kat last week and had lunch at Mary Grace. SHE WAS SUPER FUN TO BE WITH or talagang nag-click lang kami agad? I am myself when I am with her and I didn’t have to try hard. Lamo yun? Yung I wasn’t trying to be extra nice, I wasn’t worried that I might say the wrong things basta it was just amazing huhuhu. I feel like we’re meant to be friends hahaah feeler hahah but whatever. Ang saya ko. Though I think Mary Grace is pricy than other restaurants, ang sarap kasi kaya niyaya ko si Kat doon hahahah next time baka magmicrowave nalang kami ng baon na food. HAHA. Wait.  Anyway, I feel like Kat is my legit friend talaga. Another thing pala about Kat, she is super pretty! Walang pores levels. Simple but very beautiful. As in muka akong ewan kapag katabi ko siya pero wapakels ako hahaha. ANG GANDA NI KAT. ❤
  • Days after (yata or a day after. Di ko na sure) I decided that I’m letting go and I’ll be forgiving people despite the fact that they did not apologize to me whatsoever, I talked to Space about it until she told me that maybe, I can try to reach out again just for closure. I prayed for it and wrote a letter haha. I was going to send it via snail mail but I was thinking it would take longer and my goal was to close that chapter of my life before I turn a year older again so I called one person. The one who started it all. I was so nervous. The last time we spoke she was telling me that I should have been killed in an earthquake so I didn’t know what to expect. But you know what? I told her I was sorry and she told me she IS SORRY TOO! I could not believe what I was hearing. It was a 20minute phone call and we talked more via chat and ya know, we’re not friends again but at least we forgave each other after everything. And for me, that chapter was closed already. It was behind us and if ever God’s plan is to pave a new chapter for friendship then who am I to say now (although my mom do not believe the “let’s be friends again” thing but just saying diba. Who knows. I am not closing my doors haha joke. Showbiz lang)
  • Last Thursday, I went out with my cousins and had dinner with them. Ang refreshing lang ng ganap and nothing has changed, ganoon pa rin kami. They were my first best friends and I am glad I still have them ❤

Hayyyy a breath of fresh air! Ang saya. Parang ang daming tinik yung nabunot sa dibdib ko.

I’m Sorry, I Forgive You, I Love You and Goodbye

Finally, I found the courage to let you go. To forget what has been. And if I ever look back, I would probably be smiling.

Finally, I found the light to all these that has caused darkness and I am not angry, mad, lost, confused, in doubt. Because what I have now is understanding of all things that has left me dumbfounded.

It has been almost a year before everything went crumbling down. What I thought I have invested on and carefully built was destroyed right before my eyes and only now can I say that I am on the right path of moving forward.

I went through so much to be able to get to where I am now emotionally. I went back and forth with all the questions and trying hard to forgive and understand what happened, how it happened and how I can move forward. Only now can I say that I no longer look back in anger.

I don’t know but I guess I loved you that much and I always will.

You were there in my trying times.

Remember when it was just the 3 of us? Remember when we watched Parent Trap over and over while eating homemade pastillas with only 2 ingredients? Condensed milk and Alaska powdered milk. After that, we ate tapsilog for early dinner. Remember when P had to make excuses that she needed to pee elsewhere when she was really feeling her tummy might explode because of the pastillas and tapsilog?

Remember when we first had crushes and was so supportive in all our stupid 12 year-old endeavours? Remember when we made a pact and wrote to each other every day because that’s our thing? Remember when in high school I had my first boyfriend? You were both supportive of that and it was funny.

Remember when I first had my heart broken? I was crying every fucking day all summer and I went to T’s house to put all of my memories with my ex-boyfriend in a box and T hid it because I didn’t have the guts to throw it away at that time circa 2006? Remember when P went with me so I can talk to that ex who broke my heart and I was with my ex for hours while P was on the background eating chocolates?

Remember when P had her heart broken and she was holding a stupid blade that both T and I had to snatch away from her and she laughed and cried after 30 seconds and the 3 of us cried and it was stupid and funny and heartfelt?

Remember my angsty15 year old self and I ran away from home and went to P’s house (about 8 houses away from my house) with my pillow, blankets, uniform and clothes and it was a school night and P loved that I ran away from home and we lived together for a good 3 days. P and I were talking about being roommates when we get older one night while she was ironing my uniform. We ate sinigang and slept soundly. We did that for 3 days until I went back home.

Remember when we were group mates in our TLE class and all three of us went to Hypermarket in Tiendesitas to do the groceries and when I went back home, my brother was so mad at me?

Remember when in college, I was craving for peanut butter randomly and T brought peanut butter for me after class?

Remember when T and I would go to cafes and coffee shops and places so we could do our thesis together even if we’re not even group mates? We don’t even go to the same school!

Remember when everything was just real friendship and we are each other’s ride or die. Cause that’s how it used to be.

And some friendships may be as solid as that but are not meant to last a lifetime and that’s okay! That’s fine! No matter how heart breaking it is and how much tears you will have to cry, it’s okay. It’s normal.

My tears may have stopped falling. My breathing may have became steady and normal despite the fact that someone mentioned your name but that will never mean that I have thrown you away from my memories. I may have moved on (or I’m actually still moving on hehe) but that does not mean that I have forgotten you and the good times we spent.

Sorry that the friendship didn’t last a lifetime. Sorry that everything went wayward and crazy between us but it’s a good thing though that you have kept your promises to each other. It doesn’t hurt me anymore that I am not part of the trio we once created. It may have been my fault one way or another but it doesn’t matter anymore anyway.

I hope that with whatever it is, I will be forgiven to whatever hurt I caused. For not being that trustworthy friend, for commenting so harshly about you and your lifestyles, for being rude to you at times, for being mean, for not being there when you needed me, for being nasty.

But right now, let me say that in letting you go, I found in my heart the forgiveness I have been denied in so long. I forgive you for hurting my feelings and leaving me behind. I forgive you for not listening to me when I was explaining myself. I forgive you for not being there for me when you said you’d be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. I forgive you for not having my back because maybe, I did not deserve it at that time. I forgive you for throwing me under the bus when everything is falling apart. I forgive you for breaking my heart.

And with that, forgiving you is easier now. Seeing my faults and acknowledging what hurt me the most opened my heart to let go and forgive you. I may not have heard the apology I was wanting, you may not even be sorry because like I said, I may have deserved that at that time but I guess, loving you made forgiving something I can very possibly do without struggling anymore. What was burdening for me about forgiving you before was not felt anymore. It is refreshing, freeing and amazing.

I’m sorry. I forgive you. I love you and goodbye.

Church Day

Before the start of 2018, my friend and I talked about wanting to go back to church. I am not exactly sure how long she stayed out of church but for me, boy it lasted for a year since I started hearing mass again! Two weeks before the 11th of February my friend said we should try attending The Feast. I told her I can’t go this weekend (the 4th of February) because it’s my sister’s family day in school. So we agreed on attending on the 11th at 8am to 10am.

Usually, I’d push for convenience because 1. The Feast Bay Area was going to be held at PICC in Pasay and we live in Pasig-Cainta which will take us about 30 to 40 minutes to be there compared to just going to the church inside the village. 2. I wake up early for 6 days so Sunday is the only day I can sleep in but I had to let that go because—8am mass. -_- with all that being said, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t want to let this pass, I wanted to go back to church and this is the first chance I can get so I must grab it. I was also talking to myself that maybe, if I didn’t like it, I’d try other church or services. The night before  our church day, I prayed to have the right amount of strength, energy and enthusiasm. I also asked for guidance and requested that I may be touched spiritually so I can have a church already.

Come the 11th. I woke up at a little past 5:30am. Drank tea, took a bath, made breakfast, did my skincare routine and off I went to my friend’s house and she booked an Uber for us. Around almost 40 minutes, we were at PICC. We were so excited! We choose a comfy spot and the next thing we know, we are hearing mass. The Feast pala is Catholic. So from 8am to 9am we heard the Catholic mass then from 9am to 10am, we sang joyful praises and there was preaching afterwards.

Here’s my takeaway:

  • You are loved because God first loved us. This phrase from a verse in the bible touched me so much that I am starting to be tearful. Of course, how can we forget that we are loved by God? That we are worthy to be loved. That even before we are born, we are loved. That in times we are hard to love, we are still unconditionally loved by our creator.
  • There’s nothing to prove. We find ourselves proving a point more often than not. We argue and we push things to the edge when in fact there’s nothing to prove because we are loved by our creator anyway.

Towards the end, I couldn’t help but cry a little. I was just so touched and I felt that God is proud of me, that I may have shut myself way too long but I came back and he waited for me. He forgave me for neglecting him and his teachings.

Overall, I really did have an amazing time and it was just so refreshing to be back. I pray that Kyx would join us soon and now, I am thinking of inviting my mother and my sister to come with us.