I Am Back. Alive and Kicking!

I stayed under my shell of comfort for a long time, not interacting with a lot of people, laying low, energizing myself, trying to breathe. Gathering my thoughts, calming my mind. I guess I am not done yet but slowly, I’m trying to push myself out there again.

It’s not that I am shutting people out of my life, it’s I think the other way around—shutting myself out because I needed space for myself.

I got sick for a week (and my dad says it has something to do with bad spirits but my doctor says it’s asthma and acid reflux. Whatever the case was, I am now okay. Alive and kicking!) and though it is not fun to be sick, I enjoyed being away from everyone and everything else.

After the New Year meltdown I had, I asked God to give me a break from everything. I was thinking of painting, reading, writing and doing a ton of stuff I love but the break he gave me was nicer. I got taken cared of by my mom, I felt like a baby again and I am away from every possible irritating thing which is absolutely amazing (hehehe)

Now that I am finally out again, I have yet to respond to messages and comments!! (ang hirap) I also would want to catch up on writing and posting stuff in here plus reading your posts huhuhu. Where have I been and why have I been away for too long. Hayyy hahaha.

Oh well, there were stuff I have written but never got it published so there will be a ton of stuff I’d be posting on my blog soon! ❤

Also, sorry if some of you may have felt that I am ignoring your guys or I’m a lame friend. I just needed to hibernate for a while. He he he

Advertisements

This Is Reality

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

  1. You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.
  2. They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!
  3. Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.
  4. Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)
  5. You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.

**

TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

gopr2192_1515351020871_high-01.jpeg

TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

FIGHT LANG NG FIGHT!

*This post is written in Filipino*

Magmula Tuesday hanggang ngayon, Biyernes, late na ako talaga umaalis ng bahay namin. Ang bagal ko kumilos, ang dami kong hanash at seremonyas at kung ano ano pa. Inuuna ko magcheck ng FB messenger, twitter at makipagchika chikahan ng konti tapos tsaka palang ako iinom ng tsaa, tapos non, tsaka palang ako magsisimulang mag-Yoga.

Tsaa – Yoga – Ligo – Breakfast – Skincare – Bihis at Make Up ng Konti – tapos tsaka ako aalis.

Mga 3 minutes walk palabas ng (mini) village – abang tricycle – van papuntang office.

Ganyan ang eksena. Yung alarm ko, isang oras ko nasu-snooze kasi nagpapanggap ako na kaya kong bumangon before 6 pero before 7 talaga ako naguumpisa. Ang labo.

Pero ano ba talaga yung point ko ngayong araw na ito? Eto.

Sinubukan kong bilisan ang kilos. Imbes na 38 minutes ang yoga ko, 32 minutes lang siya kaninang umaga. Sinubukan kong magmadali sa abot ng aking makakaya pero saktong 9am pa rin ako lumabas ng pinto ng bahay namin. Hinatid ako ni mama sa labas ng village at nag-abang kami ng tricycle. Malapit lang naman kaso dun sa area na iyo n, talagang mabagal ang usad ng trapiko. Malala kaya nagka-counter flow yung mga tricycle (alam ko nakakainis hahaha pero napapabilis yung pagpasok ko sa opisina hahah pero wag talaga dapat mag-counterflow) so ayun na nga, yung nasakyan kong tricycle kanina, hindi masyadong nagka-counterflow yung driver. Takot at ilag sa blue boys (mga traffic enforcer sa area na yun) kaya ang tagal bago ako nakarating sa sakayan ng van papuntang Taguig. Halos magtetrenta minutos akong nasa trike pero iniisip ko nalang na mabilis lang naman biyahe ng van kaya keri lang. Pagdating ko dun, muntikan maging blockbuster yung pila. Nagmimeeting pa kasi yung mga van kung papaano sila babiyahe dahil may mga nanghuhuli daw na mmda (colorum yung ibang van kasi eh kaya ganyan, ‘wag niyo ako sisihin, walang ibang means of transportation talaga na maayos kaya hindi mo na masisi yung mga ganyang kabulastugan huehuehue) siguro mga limang minuto din akong nakapila, pero pinasakay na agad kami. Kaya lang sa mas matrapik na area dumaan yung driver. Sa isip isip ko, kapag nga naman kinant** ka ng kamalasan oo. Pero ayaw ko isipin na male-late ako. Positive lang tayo. Push lang tayo.

Nagtext ako sa ka-opisina ko at binilin ko na sabihan nya ako kapag may kalaban na. Alam na niya yun.

ANG BAGAAAAL ng usad. Ang bigat ng trapiko sa dinaanan ni kuya driver upang makaiwas na mahuli ang illegal na pagbabyahe niya, kaya naman nagdadasal talaga ako na sana umabot ako sa opisina.

Pagdating ko sa Taguig, limang minuto nalang ang nalalabi, tapos inabot pa ako ng STOP sa traffic light ng pedestrian kaya naghintay pa ako ng 2 minuto. Di na sana ako magmamadali kasi alam ko malelate na ako, wala nang pag-asa bat pa ako magmamadali eh ganon rin naman, late naman na. Kaya lang may parang bumubulong sakin na KAYA PA YAN! Kaya naman tinakbo ko na hanggang sa building namin (tatawid lang, building na namin ahahaha) tapos sa pagkant** ng kamalasan sakin, ang daming sumakay ng elevator tapos sa 35th floor ako bababa. HUSAY. AYOS. NICE.

Gusto ko mawalan ng pag-asa, gusto ko magtext sa ka-opisina ko na “brad, di na talaga ako aabot” pero parang may bumubulong kasi sakin na FIGHT! LABAN LANG!

Pagdating ko sa 35th floor, saktong 10am ako nag-in. Di ko alam kung hihiyaw ba ako sa tuwa na sa wakas hindi ako nagpa-ano sa kamalasan ngayong araw na to.

Araw araw may nangyayaring kabulastugan sa van eh. Naiiwan ko panyo ko, nadedelay umalis kasi naaaksidente, nasasabit sa mga kung san san yung van tapos lilipat ng van pero kahit ganon pa man, buong linggo akong sinubukang kant*t*n ng kamalasan pero natalo ko siya. Ako ang nag-wagi kasi bakit? Hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa eh. Kahit pakiramdam ko walang wala na, talo na ako, hindi ko pa rin inisip yon. Lumaban pa rin ako.

So ano talaga sinasabi ko at ano yung hanash sa pagkakahaba haba ng chinika ko?

Kahit pakiramdam mo na wala nang pag-asa, kahit naghuhumiyaw ang mundo sa iyo na wala na, talo ka na, kahit lahat ng mga signs andiyan na, kahit hinihintay nan g buong mundo na tigilan mo na, tantanan mo na at gumive up ka na, hangga’t kaya mo, ‘wag kang susuko. Kasi hangga’t walang resulta, hangga’t di mo nakikita, ‘wag mong pangunahan ang tadhana. Minsan akala mo lang talo ka na, ending may pag-asa pa pala. Diba? Kaya hangga’t kaya, LABAN!

 

Pam-Pa Good Vibes sa Umaga

After our Baguio trip, my mom hoarded succulents, cacti and other plants. Then almost a month of taking care of them, her cactus gave birth which she happily announced yesterday and this is how the conversation went.

Mom: Look at all of them!

Me: Guys, nanganak yung cactus ni mama!

Kuya: O? Cactus din ba yung anak?

Mom: Natural!

Mom: Ay sabagay ang tao nga nanganganak ng hayop eh. Teka nga ichecheck ko baka nanganak ng Gumamela.

Me:

Kuya:

Cactus:

Gumamela:

May point. HAHHAAHHA Sorry tawang tawa lang ako I can’t help but share!

My Year for The Lord

When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.

My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.

Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.

This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.

Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!

For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!

Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.