Happiest Birthday, Mom!

Thank you for being my legit best friend, mom. If I could choose my mom in another lifetime, I’d still choose you over and over and over again.

You’re my greatest blessing and you keep me going. I LOVE YOU!

Happy Birthday Mom!! 😘


Top 10 Things I’ve Learned from My Mother

Almost everyone I know (if not every single one) look up to their moms and think of their moms as the best one ever. That goes for me as well; I look up to my mom and I think she’s the best in the whole wide world. The best mom for someone like me and that’s what matters the most. I have shared a lot of stuff about her and how strong of a person she is so to put her on a different light, I’d write about the 10 things I’ve learned from her.

  1. Letting go is hard but clinging on to something that is toxic, unhealthy and is good for nothing will be a lot harder in the long run.
  • I have faced so many challenges in my 26 years of existence that require letting go. It was hard for me but I understood that it could be a lot harder if you hold on to things, people and memories that are not healthy for your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
  1. Believing in God and having faith is very essential. But hearing mass on a regular basis doesn’t necessarily mean you are a good person already and not hearing mass regularly doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
  • There are so many things the society dictates when it comes to faith but my mom made sure that we understood faith on a deeper level. Not just by hearing mass and praying.
  1. Love your family.
  • My mom inculcated in us that we be family oriented individuals. Family sticks forever and no matter what happens “hindi mo kayang itapon yan” so you just have to continue loving each other despite the misunderstandings, differences and whatnot.
  1. Education is very important. It’s a treasure that no one can take away from you.
  • In parental sermons we hear the phrases “iyan lang ang kayamanan na hindi maaagaw nino man” and that is true!
  1. Always look at the bright side.
  • Despite everything, in the midst of trials and storms, there’s always something to be grateful for. There’s always a bright side in everything and you just have to go find it.
  1. Know your priorities.
  • As simple as that. Knowing what should come first and knowing what can wait.
  1. Know your worth.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be treated like trash. You’re more than that.
  1. Moms always wants what’s best for you.
  • At least for my mom, she just doesn’t say that for the heck of it but she does because she really do wants what’s best for her children and you must believe that! Heh
  1. She knows everything.
  • There’s no point in lying. Really.
  1. She’s always right.
  • Whatever you have to say, there’s always loopholes because you’re not as wise as your mom. Lels.

You’re the best mama in the world and you made sure that you secure your children and give them the best that life has to offer. I’m grateful every single day and I wish I could give everything you deserve tenfold because no one would be here, I wouldn’t be here where I am right now if not for you and I want you to know that I know it. I love you mom. Happy Birthday!

“I Just Wanna Fucking Kill Myself Already”

I was writing about “Korean Skincare So Far” but decided to delay it because: 1. I’m still waiting for a buttload of products from Althea Korea. 2. I haven’t been using the products for a long time to write an in depth review so I shall wait and see. However, I have been getting a lot of “blooming ka” from people lately so I guess this Korean Skincare products are working its amazing magic on my face. (my face that Satan left after he used it for slumber party with the demons of acne and ugliness)

So anyway, let’s talk about something else.

I am on a very strict diet and it’s my 5th day today. I’m too heavy for my height and I’m running out of clothes to wear so, I guess I should really be on this 1,100 calorie diet for 6 months! HAH!

What else?

I started reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone. Man oh man I first read it in 3rd grade and that was what?! 16 years ago?! GRABE.

I have written so many things but I didn’t publish it because that’s just the person that I am and I have no excuses. Lels. Joke. I mean, I lost the momentum. I was writing with my emotions but the moment I want to publish it, the emotion has long been gone so I feel like a different person. Dapat talaga after writing it mapublish ko na agad eh.

Yesterday I was stressing over something that hasn’t happened yet. I am stressed out with the idea that it’s almost November and I need to start saving money for my sister’s tuition fee for the next school year and I haven’t even finished paying for this year yet. ANO NA. I am forcing myself to think that this is a good investment. That my sister needs this and this is important but sometimes, I feel down. I don’t know if I’m just not mature enough for this responsibility but maybe, I can get through this. Just the thought of me—paying again and again and again makes me feel down. Maybe I’m selfish? Maybe I’m overthinking it. *eto na bubuhos na ang emosyon*

As I kept saying, I don’t get paid a lot. As in saktong sakto lang talaga. Kaya ngayon, I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t have debts but I feel like I’m in the middle of a deep blue sea and I can’t keep up with life anymore. Sometimes I want to kill myself already just to be over and done with all the shit I have been going through and those that I will still go through (while typing this, I feel like crying but I can’t cry right now. Not right now.)

I don’t want to think that my sister’s education is a burden but it feels like it. I am so god damn tired of paying for her tuition fee but I’d like to think that this is the help my mom needs even if I don’t give her the money for her personal needs. Minsan kasi nafifeel ko na sa mama ko nalang sana naibibigay yung pera pero hindi eh. Napupunta sa tuition fee. I think I should bear more love. Squeeze more love from my breaking and aching heart.

You know what makes me feel so stressed like this that I want to kill myself now? It’s because that I am thinking how my savings is soooo little and I’m already 26. I don’t get to save much for myself because I keep giving it away. Pera lang yan they say. Pera lang yan and kikitain ko ulit yan. Hindi naman ako mukang pera pero pano yung future ko? Pano yung gusto ko naman din magkaroon ng anak in the future, si Atlas at si Ariea. Pano ako magaanak kung ganito ang mga ganap?

Ugh I just want to fucking kill myself already. Para motherfucking tapos na lahat.

But sino magpapaaral sa kapatid ko? Sino magiging mommy ni Atlas at Ariea? Pano lalo si mama? Pano si Kyx but sana mamatay na lang ako talaga eh. This burden is too much for me to bear and it feels like I can no longer do it.


Anong Pakiramdam ng May Tatlong Kuya?

Sa gitnang litrato: Altheo, Aldwin, Aldous tapos ako yung nakaupo

Ipapasok ko sana yung mga litrato namin ng mga kuya ko dito mula bata kami kaso yung iba nandon sa isang taong di na parte ng buhay ko. Pinapascan ko kasi sakanya nung 2009 tapos na-ondoy tapos ewan ko na. peste.

Anyway, ayun. Marami na kasing nakapagtanong sakin nito tapos hindi ko alam kung ano yung isasagot ko kasi??? Feeling ko normal lang yun??? Hindi ko naman kasi naiintindihan dati yung ano yung feeling ng walang kuya? Kasi hello, ang dami nila so pano ko malalaman ang difference?

Pano ko malalaman ang difference? Pag tumanda na kami. At ngayong matanda na kami, alam ko na yung pakiramdam.

Kuyas and Memories

  1. Nung Nanganak ang mama namin sa bunso, si Kuya Aldwin ang kasama ko sa bahay. Grade 3 ako nun. Tapos sabi ko sa Kuya Aldwin ko kailangan niya akong ayusan ng buhok kasi magagalit teacher ko kapag hindi nakatali. Sabi nya sa akin, sige daw. Mabilis kaming kumilos, pinakain nya ako, naligo at nagbihis ako. Pagtapos nun sabi niya “anong ayos ba gusto mo?” sabi ko “pigtails!” ayun, mahigit 30 minutes nya akong inaayusan. Tuwang tuwa ako non kasi pinagkalat ko sa class namin na kuya ko yung nagpony ng buhok ko. Iba yung kilig kasi sinasabi ng mga classmates ko “wowwwww talagaaa” ganern.
  2. Hindi pa ako nag-aaral non, siguro 3 or 4 years old lang ako tapos ang nagbabantay sakin isang hapon ay si Kuya Aldous (ang pangalawang matandang kuya ko) tapos nakikipaglaro ako sa mga kapitbahay namin tapos sabi niya “diyan ka lang, babalik ako ah” tapos pagbalik nya nakangiti sya, may bitbit syang laruan pero ayaw niya ipakita sakin tapos hinabol ko sya papasok sa bahay namin. May laruan na golf set siyang binili. Siguro 15 lang sya nun tapos huhuhuhu di ko alam san niya kinuha yung pera na pinambili niya non. Naaalala ko gustong gusto ko yung golf golfan na yun eh!
  3. Pinakapaboritong alala ko kasama si Kuya Theo ay marami huhu pero yung nakatatak sa puso’t kaluluwa ko eh yung nagpapanggap pa rin siyang may Santa Claus for my sake. Alam na niya kung sino si Santa pero hindi niya sinasabi sa akin. Paniwalang paniwala ako tapos chillax lang siya. May regalo din kasi si Santa sakanya pero kahit madalas kaming nagaaway hindi niya sinira yung childhood ko at sinabi sakin kung sino talaga si Santa Claus. Mehehe
  4. Paborito kong sinasabi yung “Isusumbong kita sa kuya ko” o kaya naman “Patay ka sa kuya ko ah” kapag may epal sa buhay ko. Wala din namang nagtangka na bwisitin ako further nung bata ako dahil nga takot sila sa mga kuya ko. Kasi alam ko din na mananagot kung sino man yung kakanti sa akin haha. Siguro bukod sa dugong batangena ko, kaya din ako matapang kasi nga hehehe 3 kuya ko bwahaha
  5. Lahat sila nakapaghugas ng pwet ko o nalabhan damit ko. Lahat ng pag-aalaga natamo ko. Lahat din ng pangaasar pero keri lang.
  6. Madalas kong kaaway si kuya Altheo nung bata kami. Maldita kasi ako tapos ang sakit kasi niyang mangkaltok kaya napapaiyak talaga ako sa sakit. Minsang kinaltukan niya ako sabay belat wala akong ibang nagawa kundi kagatin ang sarili ko sabay sigaw “mama si kuya kinagat ako!!” BWAHAHAHAHA.
  7. Lagi silang nanonood ng cheering compets ko or pagsasayaw or kahit anong performance. Lagi din sila kasama ko sa mga kung ano anong bagay.
  8. Dati si Kuya Aldwin nagtrabaho for fun nung college siya tapos sa unang sweldo niya binilhan niya ako ng A Bug’s Life na t-shirt. Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako non. Grade 1 lang ako non eh.
  9. Tinutulungan din nila ako lalo na nung nagaaral pa ako bwahaha. Tapos binibilhan ako ng mga gusto ko. Ay nga pala, dapat isang number pa to pero dito nalang ilalagay haha. Isang beses, college na ako non, umuulan tapos sa kanto lang ako bababa. Kapag ganon kasi, susunduin ako ni Kuya Theo na may bitbit na payong. Tapos nung araw nay un, tulog pala siya. Bale sumugod ako sa ulan tapos pinagalitan ko siya paguwi ko. Sinesermonan ko na hindi manlang niya ako sinundo at basing basa ako sa ulan bwahahah.
  10. Tapos yung last, hanggang ngayon sa kanila pa rin nanggagaling ang cellphone ko HAHAHAHA.

Hindi ko madescribe kung anong pakiramdam ng mayroong 3 kuya kaya based on the 10 facts sana nalaman niyo.

Bottomline para akong may 3 tatay at kaberks hahaha. Ang dami ko pang ililista diyan pero sa susunod na.

Fake Liking People

How unhealthy and toxic can this get? Intense nah aha. One way or another, you have at least 1 person you fake like. Like you don’t really like them and you’re not that close but you follow each other on social media just for the heck of it. It’s all good if it ended there but here you are, rolling your eyes and complaining how this person posts “fake happy” stuff and all that crap you hate about him/her but you don’t do anything. Sometimes you even double tap! YEP. THAT WAS ME.

I cringe at the thought that I have become someone like this and the horrific part of it all is being like this for a long time now! I wish I could have realized it sooner! MYGAHD.

You know what, there were days that I am so tempted in stalking the people I hate just so I could hate them more. Am I making sense? Sobrang kadiri ko guys. When I realized that I am done with bullshit, the moment I realized that we can both live happily even if we hate each other by not existing in both realities and social media life, it should be good diba. So ayun na nga, I used my empty IG and followed only those who I genuinely like.

I thought I’d feel different but I felt so free and happy! I feel like nakawala ako sa hawla. Ganon ka-toxic for me iyong instagram. It affected me so much kahit iilan tao lang naman yung ayaw ko dun, nakaapekto talaga sya sa akin emotionally and hindi ko agad nalaman yun until naisip ko na parang tama na tong pagpapanggap and pagpapabebe na keri lang kasi hindi ko keri.

I don’t like you following me, I don’t like following you. We don’t like each other personally so anong point?

Hindi mo rin naman nilalike ang posts ko pero panay IG stories ka naman so ano diba. Nag-gagaguhan lang tayo. HAHAHA.

Ganyan ang gusto kong sabihin nung inaayos ko new IG ko hahahah.

Para Que?

I’ve made a decision that I no longer allow petty bullshit to affect me and in order for me to do that, I needed to use my empty instagram account for good. HAH!

You see, after the “hell” I’ve been through, I created an instagram account but have not used it because I found myself having a hard time to let go of my posts, comments, likes –which has no bearing in my life to be honest. It’s so toxic to be attached like that diba?

So anyway, today, I finally used the empty IG account and made it private. I also only followed those I like to keep in both social media life and real life plus only allowed to be followed by those people. Some of you guys would probably think that I’m being petty and immature but that’s how I know I can cope with what I’m dealing with so… It’s easy for you to say that I should just block those whom I don’t like but that’s not very easy for me to do. Baka may issue pa diba, so I just made a new account and kept it exclusively for those I like lang talaga. HAH!

When I did this with creating a new Facebook account, my (psychiatrist of a) brother said that I can do that if that’s going to help me heal. Oh diba. 🙂 Jinujustify ko talaga eh.

Kasi guys, it’s affecting me THAT much talaga. It’s so unhealthy. Umaabot sa point na either I just go to the profiles of people I like and watch their IG stories there so I wouldn’t accidentally watch the stories of those I don’t like diba. They also don’t double tap on my photos and I know they don’t like me so why do I even bother with those people. I mean it’s not really about the “like” button. I feel like we don’t have to add or follow each other if we both know we don’t like each other. Para que?

(fave ko talaga sabihin yung phrase na “Para que?”; my mom uses that phrase like 100000 times a day HAH! If you don’t know what that means, it means “what for?” or “para saan pa?”

Okay lang mag-hate follow when like you know, I guess kapag di niyo naman kilala talaga isa’t isa or what pero if you’re coming from something deeper, kagaya nung sakin, ex friend na kita ifafollow mo pa ako just for the sake na masabi na mature enough ka to see me on social media pero you hate me so much naman eh wag nalang. 🙂 ❤

Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.