It was a normal day, Sunday, but Sundays always give me that unpleasant feeling. That feeling that forms a lump in your throat and makes your voice quiver. Something that will make you cry at night when no one else can see and hear you. Some Sundays are like that for me, just like last Sunday.
At around midnight, I was throwing a light tantrum. Kyx had to comfort me in so many ways because I was PMS-ing and pissed at the same time for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint. Also, that day, Kyx has a cousin who will be sleeping over and he will be sleeping at the room beside ours. Man, the snoring was so loud! I think the walls were thin but I can’t sleep. I wasn’t able to sleep not until almost 3 in the morning. Man was it such a bad day.
For 3 hours that I was awake, trying to focus on my breathing, trying to fall asleep—anxiety knocked and paid me a visit. It was quick but remarkable, it was one of the visits that keeps me so terrified for days and I can’t shrug it off as easily as I could. In those short time, I felt that it lasted for days. I was able to think about a lot of things like my mind is racing. Let me break it down for you how my anxiety (with a tinge of OCD –rituals) came.
- I thought about a thousand ways of how I would die. How tragic my pretty little demise would be and how sad it would if I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to those whom I love. I even thought of you guys, my wordpress friends—how will you know I am dead? I wouldn’t be able to tell you and that’s painful for me.
- I was having a fantasy that Kyx doesn’t love me and that when we get married, he will leave. Not for another girl but because I am so hard to love.
- I thought about our dogs and I cried because I remember, if I die, I wouldn’t be able to pet them anymore and ugh, it’s so painful.
- I thought about the death of all the people I love, family and friends and I wanna just stop thinking for a lifetime at this point because my head is literally hurting.
- I thought about my workload and how the fuck I am going to finish everything because it’s a lot and I feel so sad that I don’t get paid much for all the hard work I do.
- I thought about the end of the world, how I’ll try to survive, or will I die? Or will everyone else die too?
- – –
At this point, Kyx is singing me a lullaby. He feels so bad that I can’t sleep. I asked him to play some music, he did, I still can’t sleep. I can’t cry, I don’t feel like crying but my heart is aching so bad. My chest is feeling so tight, my heart is beating fast, my head is hurting, it literally feels like I’m spinning, I can’t breathe, I can’t think normally now because my mind keeps on controlling itself. And then I prayed.
I still can’t sleep but finally, I was starting to calm down. I was starting to feel a little okay. It doesn’t feel normal, no, not yet. But definitely, I am making progress. I finally fell asleep around 3 in the morning but I woke up at around 5. I tried to sleep again, woke up at 6, slept again, woke up at 7.
My anxiety didn’t leave, not until last night. I brought it with me in the office and anywhere I went but alas, I finally felt okay. Thanks to the gummy bears and biscuit shopping Kyx and I did before going home from work.