It took me some time to realize that no matter how much you justify something wrong, it wouldn’t make it right.
Moving forward, everything is a learning experience and no matter how heartbroken I am, I still feel grateful and enlightened.
Thank God for people who are genuine enough to tell you what’s wrong in a civilized way–teaching you and sharing with you what you can do differently next time instead of spiting you. *thanks Keira!*
Also, I felt like maybe what I wrote was too personal so I had to have it protected as of the moment.
As much as possible, I will try my best to make this post understandable for my blog readers who do not speak in Filipino.
This is nothing but a rant and some of my opinion towards work so if you feel like you’ll only capture negative vibes from this post, stop reading. As much as I want to spread positive energy, there are really bad days so let’s start.
If you’re still reading, read at your own risk and if you absorb negative vibes, forgive me lels.
My workplace is a small community, we know everyone and we see everyone every day. It’s not like the big corporations wherein you don’t personally know other people from other department. Plus, the departments here only consists of about 10 people below. So most of our interactions are done personally. If it should be formal and if there’s a need for documentation—that’s the only time we send emails. So I was surprised that I received an email from a superior asking me to do something and it was sent to my personal email—not even my work email.
Before, everything that THAT person needs, he will just tell me personally or take about 3 steps from his desk to tell me he needs this and that. Literal na halos katabi ko lang ang table niya. So I find it annoying that he needed to email me when he can just tell me. I get that it’s more professional to email something *but we’re not like that in this office*
I can’t explain pero nakakapunyeta yung feeling. Parang ano ba naman yung magsabi ka nang personal kahit pa nag-email ka, kung hindi ko pa ichecheck ang personal email ko hindi ko pa makikita ang email na yun. Kakakita ko lang eh mag-3 weeks na pala yung email?! Tapos wala manlang followup na “kamusta yung pinapagawa ko? Nag-email ako about etc etc” walang ganon. So anong ineexpect ng mga tarantadong ito? Na parang alipin ka nalang na ineexpect nila na lahat gagawin mo nang walang maayos na pag-uutos? Hindi ko gustong personalin ang isyu kong ito pero naiinis na talaga ako sa taong iyon. Nakakaputa pramis. Sarap manapak. Tapos ending nito, kung hindi ko to nakita, hahagarin nya ako na may pinapagawa sya at ako pa may kasalanan na hindi ko nakita email niya? Hah leche!
One of the things that was hard for me to do before was to say yes when I mean no and say no when I mean yes. However, I realized that aside from affecting other people, it also affects me in a toxic and unhealthy way. So I changed it. Now, I say what I truly mean and I truly mean what I say.
- When I mean “No” I would really say “NO”. Not because of indifference or to spite other people by disagreeing but because that’s what I honestly want to say. Of course I say it in the nicest way possible.
- I wouldn’t say “Yes” or agree to do anything or go anywhere when I really wanted to say “No” and then find a chance to make an excuse for bailing out. It’s so stressful. If I can’t and/or don’t want to agree to anything or go anywhere, I won’t say YES just for the heck of it.
It’s as simple as making your life simple by meaning what you say and saying what you mean. You’re making yours and other people’s lives easier and happier.
I just don’t get it why people feel offended when you disagree? Why can’t we all just let each other breathe and agree to disagree? There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re being honest and nice. Hayy buhay, I will never get why other people have time to make pabebe.
Sa panahon at edad ko ngayon, wala na akong oras mag-gawa ng excuse at magpabebe. Pag ayaw ko, ayaw ko at sasabihin ko yun. Kapag gusto ko, gusto ko. Wala nang pabebehan. Sayang sa oras, saying sa energy.
I always felt the need to say yes, adjust to other people’s plans and just go with it because I hate having to say no. I feel like there’s less conflict when I just say yes and agree to everything people want me to do. But recently, I felt like I can’t be like this anymore.
This all began when I realized that it’s best to say something about what you truly feel and think rather than letting it float. I wrote about it *HERE* and after that realization, I just went with it.
I guess it’s because all my conflicts within myself are connected and rooted to each other. Like I don’t say no all too often because:
- I don’t want other people to think I am not reliable.
- I don’t want them to feel like I’m not there for them when they need me.
- I don’t want them to feel like I don’t think about their feelings ?
But this time, I let whatever happens, happen. I mean truthfully, those weren’t my intentions whether I say yes or no. Like if I don’t agree about something, it’s not as if I am not agreeing just so I could hurt their feelings and not be with them when they *need* me.
- I just grew tired of having to adjust to every single thing everyone wants. They never do that for me and no I am not taking it against them but fuck it.
- When I can’t, I can’t. I wouldn’t say yes and force myself to do something that I am not willing to do just because I was trying to avoid conflict. People who want to understand will understand. Those who choose to judge and think about other stuff than what’s real are even more not worthy at all of my time and effort adjusting with their plans and whatnot.
- I don’t make excuses now that I am 26. If I say yes I’ll be there, I’ll be there. If I can’t, then I’ll say so and I’ll tell you why.
- I have work and I can’t just adjust to whatever people plan to do that’s convenient for them. If convenience is not mutual, then I’m not for it. I also have a life to live and I wouldn’t compromise comfort just because it’s comfortable for you. I’ve done that so many times and I will stop already.
- I’m at the point of my life wherein I no longer want to force myself into doing and saying anything that I don’t want to. If I couldn’t do it, then I won’t and let’s not take it personally.
That last part though, I’m still trying to do it—the not taking things personally. Because I for one, can take a lot of things quite personally more often than I should so I shall really try to stop myself from doing it hahahah.
After overworking myself for the whole month of August, a lot of my routine have changed and I didn’t like it, not one bit. Not because I do not like change but because it messed me up more than I should let it.
- Usually, I would do a 30-minute Yoga after work. The moment I get home, I’d roll my yoga mat and change into my work out clothes. But since I had to do a lot of work, I come home at around almost 11pm which leaves no time for Yoga.
- When I wake up in the right side of bed, I’d do a 25-minute Yoga before getting ready for work. Since I get little sleep, I skip this and sleep off the 25 minutes instead of doing a morning Yoga routine.
- I do not eat a lot. Despite the fact that I have a hard time losing weight, I do not eat that much. But since I worked so much and dealt with a whole bunch of stressors, I found myself stress-eating! Mind you, I don’t do that no matter how stressed I have been but for August, I did just that and it hurts to think how much food I ate even if I wasn’t that hungry.
- I detox and cleanse every week. I failed doing that because I have been too lazy.
- I didn’t read much and left all my unread books staring at me for the longest time. I love reading and I have a shelf filled of unread books beside the shelf of books I have read before and I don’t know, I just can’t read them right now?
- I think I didn’t paint that much. My watercolour skills (if I have any at all) are slowly withering away.
Everything on this list just saddens me. I need to get back on track! I really do! I was just to demotivated about everything that I forgot to take care of myself. Psh.
Yesterday, though I ate a bit too much again because it was Kyx’s mom’s birthday thing, I did a 30-minute Yoga and that’s a start right! All I have to do is do it again every day until it becomes a habit and a routine again. I am positive on this, I’ll try my best. Hopefully, I’ll be able to get back on the things I used to do (and love)
Kyx’s hair is so long it’s even longer than mine. GRABE.
It wasn’t a problem until he complained that his arms are always strained because it’s so hard to tie his hair already. I urged him to get a trim at the nearby barber shop/salon but he said he didn’t like going to hair salons and asked me if I could cut his hair.
We postponed it for about a week but he said he can’t really maintain his super kaduper long hair because he’s super annoyed already. So off we went to their dirty kitchen. I sat him on a stool, had my comb and scissors with me plus a basin of water.
Grabe the struggle!
- Just like what the nearby hair cutters would do, I tied his hair and left some for me to cut. I was nervous because I have never tried cutting anyone’s hair!
- I did just that for the rest of his head. It was such a struggle to wet his hair cause we didn’t have the right materials, so mano-mano ko nilalagay yung tubig via my hands kakaines.
- It took us about 45 minutes to finish. It wasn’t perfect but it’s manageable and Kyx loved it!
I wasn’t able to take an “after” photo because he didn’t want me to pero I’ll show you something nalang haha.
And here’s the after photo.
I’m not sure if you can see it properly but his hair is shoulder length na.