Let’s just all be brutally honest for once. After my 26th birthday, I was called out for all the bullshit I had said and done 100 years ago and was told off. I was left behind by everyone I stuck up with for more than 10 years and then bahm, I was out.
I didn’t realize until now how strong I have become and how strong I was back then. It took a lot for me emotionally, mentally and physically to stay here. To stay alive. It took me so much energy and pain to be able to stand again.
I thought the world was crumbling down in front of me, I thought I was seriously friendless. I even thought that maybe they’re right, maybe I was such a bad friend, a bad person. But then I realized every good thing that I did, every single time I chose them over a lot of other things, all the times I had sacrificedmyself—simple joys, happiness, food, time, soul, just so I could be with them. For all the times I didn’t enjoy but simply put myself out there because I didn’t wanna miss out, I wanted to be with them. For all the times I didn’t even like myself that much anymore because I felt so drained, I felt really bad for the things I did and said and I didn’t even realize how much it would cost me. Those petty things I did, I didn’t know it would hurt even after 100 years after. But maybe, just maybe, everything needed to happen like that. Everything need to fall apart so I can find all the pieces back.
Everything needed to just breakdown, crumble, torn apart so I can gather all the pieces of me that got lost in the process.
Everything needed to be destroyed so that I can rebuild myself again.
All these things, it took all of me. It took my heart and soul and I can’t say I am whole again. I can’t say I have fully moved on. I can’t say I couldn’t feel bad for everything that happened before because trust me, I do. I still do. I dream about my 2 ex-best friends almost every day. I dream about them being with me, doing the usual stuff that we do. I sometimes still wish we could all go back. But then I have to remind myself time and again, over and over and over and over again that it took all of me just so I could be where I am right now. Just so I could feel what I feel right now.
It took all of me just so I could find myself again.
It took all of me just so I could grow.