It Took All of Me

Let’s just all be brutally honest for once. After my 26th birthday, I was called out for all the bullshit I had said and done 100 years ago and was told off. I was left behind by everyone I stuck up with for more than 10 years and then bahm, I was out.

I didn’t realize until now how strong I have become and how strong I was back then. It took a lot for me emotionally, mentally and physically to stay here. To stay alive. It took me so much energy and pain to be able to stand again.

I thought the world was crumbling down in front of me, I thought I was seriously friendless. I even thought that maybe they’re right, maybe I was such a bad friend, a bad person. But then I realized every good thing that I did, every single time I chose them over a lot of other things, all the times I had sacrificedmyself—simple joys, happiness, food, time, soul, just so I could be with them. For all the times I didn’t enjoy but simply put myself out there because I didn’t wanna miss out, I wanted to be with them. For all the times I didn’t even like myself that much anymore because I felt so drained, I felt really bad for the things I did and said and I didn’t even realize how much it would cost me. Those petty things I did, I didn’t know it would hurt even after 100 years after. But maybe, just maybe, everything needed to happen like that. Everything need to fall apart so I can find all the pieces back.

Everything needed to just breakdown, crumble, torn apart so I can gather all the pieces of me that got lost in the process.

Everything needed to be destroyed so that I can rebuild myself again.

All these things, it took all of me. It took my heart and soul and I can’t say I am whole again. I can’t say I have fully moved on. I can’t say I couldn’t feel bad for everything that happened before because trust me, I do. I still do. I dream about my 2 ex-best friends almost every day. I dream about them being with me, doing the usual stuff that we do. I sometimes still wish we could all go back. But then I have to remind myself time and again, over and over and over and over again that it took all of me just so I could be where I am right now. Just so I could feel what I feel right now.

It took all of me just so I could find myself again.

It took all of me just so I could grow.

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3 thoughts on “It Took All of Me

  1. I hate that this happened to you Thea, I sobrang hate it. Ako, prangka akong tao, and I will always tell a friend if I think they’re being nasty or rude or whatever. But I would never do to any friend of mine what your friends did to you. If you really cared about a friend and wanted them to change for the better, that’s not how you’d talk to them. And certainly not on their birthday, jusko! (Total tito moment lol but the sentiment remains the same.) I feel like they didn’t actually want to help you; they just wanted to feel superior and make themselves look good. You’re well rid of them I think. Here’s to a stronger you and better friends soon! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this, Kate. Grabe ang wild ng mga hanash ko sa life no. But I think, I wouldn’t have met you and other great bloggers if it wasn’t for my meltdowns hahaha thank youuuuu ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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