Of Cutting Myself and Self-Harm

Well over the course of time, I’ve had my fair share of suicidal tendencies. Thoughts and debates with myself occurred for me since I was about 15 I guess. But I didn’t really intend to kill myself. Like I didn’t do anything crazy with the intention to kill myself. I know it’s just wrong and I am being sort of irrational.

Friday, 30th of June. Morning. I was cutting a whole lemon, preparing for my lemon water. Half of it is squeezed in a bowl while half would be cut into lemon slices to be mixed with the lemon juice and water. Long story short, I accidentally cut my finger deeper than ever and I was shocked with the sudden sight of a deep cut and blood pouring right from a medium sized wound. I stared at it for a long time before I realized that I have to put pressure on it and have running water over it.

I didn’t feel any pain at all. Not even a slight sting! I was just staring at it until my mind started saying tons of stuff like:

Wow. The gush of blood shocked me but it kinda looked pleasant isn’t it? Oh, blood + cut = Pain. But where’s the pain? Oh yeah, I was so used to cutting myself back then that the sight of it didn’t throw me off! WOW.

Before I started to be actually disgusted with myself, you know what I was doing? I was still trying to cut the lemons while my finger is fucken bleeding like I was stabbed! It was so disgusting that I was swept back to reality.

Last night, I was afraid that I’d relapse back to cutting myself. The sight of it enticed me. It was like a good diversion of a negative energy to something more physical. I wasn’t able to sleep well but the next morning, I realized that, no, I wouldn’t go back to that hell hole where I got addicted with cutting myself. No I wouldn’t go back to my pathetic self, resorting to wounds and blood when things went awful. No I will not let that happen again.

And I will cover my scars with art. I will remember the pain but I will replace them with renewal of some sort.

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Thea

Thea, 26, INFJ (Turbulent) Always interested in other people's opinion on matters, ideas and random thoughts. I mostly keep to myself but I found that writing in this blog is easier than bottling my feelings up. Reading, writing, tea, coffee and wine are my favorite things. You can catch me mostly on twitter and instagram: @xoxthea make sure to say hello! :")

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