In the past, I always think about other people and their happiness. Like I will surprise them with my little gestures, a surprise pastry, cupcake, book, clothing, bag, card, letter, tea, coffee, food name it! I think of them on their birthdays, brewing ideas on how I can pull off a mini surprise because I always love it when people do not expect it and they get a boost of happiness because someone like me went an extra mile just for the little happiness of a single person. I think I don’t really want anything in return from that exact same person, but I feel like hey universe, you can probably help other people surprise me right? Okay so going back, I felt shitty that I don’t get to have someone who goes an extra mile just for me—or that’s what I thought.
Last night, I was full on ugly crying mode (again)
It hurt that I had to do this to myself much more as it hurts that I had to affect Kyx this much. As usual, he was his comforting supportive self (Thank God for people like him)
I just realized that I keep giving, keep bothering with other people, keep thinking about their happiness and misery, keep wondering if they feel okay, better or shit. I’m always thoughtful and sweet to other people but I don’t get that, not a lot, from others and that was painful to think about.
To be honest, I hated myself for feeling so sorry. I mean I shouldn’t have felt that way, I shouldn’t have wanted to receive the same kindness or gesture from others as I give them. My mistake. Again.
I realized that, no, I don’t have the right to feel like that. That I am so much more blessed than I think but I wanted to write this because I want to be honest with myself and with all of you. It’s true that human nature is like that, you expect something in return even if you try not to do it. Give and take is what we’re all accustomed of (or shouldn’t I say that?) and no expectations or anything in return is easier said than done.
After a series of ugly crying for about 15 minutes, I realized this:
- The reason I am being thoughtful, kind and sweet to those I love is because I want them to be happy. Period. Not because I want them to think I am such a good friend going the extra mile for their happiness. That’s the truth and that’s how I have always been, so I shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t get the same treatment right? No one asked me to do this. So what the hell?
- I may not get the same gesture but I’m sure those whom I love, love me the way they know how to love me. That for me should be enough.
- There are different languages of love and I should understand other people’s own language of love. If I don’t get what I give (like exactly what I give per se) doesn’t mean I don’t get to be loved enough.
So now, I bother for people because there’s just so much love inside me that I can’t contain, so much that I have to give it out to others. That’s why I bother.