Why Do I Bother For Those Who Don’t Bother With Me?

In the past, I always think about other people and their happiness. Like I will surprise them with my little gestures, a surprise pastry, cupcake, book, clothing, bag, card, letter, tea, coffee, food name it! I think of them on their birthdays, brewing ideas on how I can pull off a mini surprise because I always love it when people do not expect it and they get a boost of happiness because someone like me went an extra mile just for the little happiness of a single person. I think I don’t really want anything in return from that exact same person, but I feel like hey universe, you can probably help other people surprise me right? Okay so going back, I felt shitty that I don’t get to have someone who goes an extra mile just for me—or that’s what I thought.

Last night, I was full on ugly crying mode (again)

It hurt that I had to do this to myself much more as it hurts that I had to affect Kyx this much. As usual, he was his comforting supportive self (Thank God for people like him)

I just realized that I keep giving, keep bothering with other people, keep thinking about their happiness and misery, keep wondering if they feel okay, better or shit. I’m always thoughtful and sweet to other people but I don’t get that, not a lot, from others and that was painful to think about.

To be honest, I hated myself for feeling so sorry. I mean I shouldn’t have felt that way, I shouldn’t have wanted to receive the same kindness or gesture from others as I give them. My mistake. Again.

I realized that, no, I don’t have the right to feel like that. That I am so much more blessed than I think but I wanted to write this because I want to be honest with myself and with all of you. It’s true that human nature is like that, you expect something in return even if you try not to do it. Give and take is what we’re all accustomed of (or shouldn’t I say that?) and no expectations or anything in return is easier said than done.

After a series of ugly crying for about 15 minutes, I realized this:

  • The reason I am being thoughtful, kind and sweet to those I love is because I want them to be happy. Period. Not because I want them to think I am such a good friend going the extra mile for their happiness. That’s the truth and that’s how I have always been, so I shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t get the same treatment right? No one asked me to do this. So what the hell?
  • I may not get the same gesture but I’m sure those whom I love, love me the way they know how to love me. That for me should be enough.
  • There are different languages of love and I should understand other people’s own language of love. If I don’t get what I give (like exactly what I give per se) doesn’t mean I don’t get to be loved enough.

So now, I bother for people because there’s just so much love inside me that I can’t contain, so much that I have to give it out to others. That’s why I bother.

Frustrations


Don’t let your frustrations drag you down. You deserve more, you deserve better than that. 

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Sharing with you another watercolor painting I did on this rainy Saturday evening.

Concept was originally from Ate Enon De Belen

Paper: Canson watercolor paper (student grade)

Watercolor: Winsor and Newton Cotman 45 pan set

Brushes: Martol brushes no. 1,3 and 5

Casting All My Frustrations

 

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Have you ever had those days wherein you’re just so fed up with everything?

Mine started with a mini meltdown because I got so frustrated with myself by a simple thing and ended up crying for a good 30 minutes and then, all my frustrations about everything just crept out and I cried harder. I was so damn frustrated with myself. It feels like I can’t do anything great. Like the things I do are not good enough and I end up in the curb. I feel like I’m good for nothing. I feel sick of myself.

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I wanted to throw away everything. I was thinking that I can’t write, I can’t paint. I’m only good at reading the books I have and then I have nothing else to offer. I feel stupid and sad. At the same time, lonely and guilty. How can I let myself down like this?

Right now, I am a bit more positive than I was last night. I think I just needed a breather. I think I was being too hard on myself. I think I can do better next time.

Friday Mini Meltdown

Everything was going well yesterday until the clock struck 9 o’clock.

Before my mini meltdown, let’s talk about first how my Friday went.

Woke up early so that Kyx can renew his license and so I can get mine. It didn’t take too long for the licensing staff to finish so we probably just spent a good 15 minutes in their office. It was pretty early so we went to the mall and I shopped for an office bag (I don’t buy bags and shoes regularly. Usually, it takes about a year or more before I buy another and this one is long overdue) after getting myself a bag, Kyx and I went grocery shopping then headed to Pepper Lunch for lunch. We bought a book that I’ve been dying to read (The Alchemist –I gifted a copy to a friend and I felt like I wanted to have my own so..) afterwards, we bought Japanese mochi balls (donuts) and milktea, then drove to Kyx’s dentist.

The whole time he was having his teeth cleaned and braces adjusted, I was watching Korean Drama (She Was Pretty) which was pretty awesome.

Headed home and bought Pork Barbecue and Inihaw na Bangus for Dinner.

Ate dinner, drank tea and I tried sketching my next artwork.

*cue mini meltdown*

It was over 10 minutes that I have been trying to sketch my next artwork but I can’t seem to properly sketch it. The proportion, measurement, look of the eyes, nose, the butterfly. Until I got so frustrated with myself and (ugly) cried for 30 minutes. Kyx had to pause the work he was finishing because he had to comfort me. I fell asleep immediately after my mini meltdown.

I just can’t believe how I let myself struggle like that. How I cry ever so easily because of the little things. It’s like I am crying over spilled milk more often than I should. It’s just hard.

You’re Going To Be Okay

In this life, you’ll be surprised that there are people ready to throw away anything and everything without even thinking twice.If you encounter these people, do not take it against yourself, do not ever think you’re not worthy. Your worth does not depend on who stays and who leaves.

Don’t ever think you’re hard to love and you don’t deserve goodness. Because in time, they’ll see you’re worth every heartbeat, time, effort, importance and value but you’ve already gone and moved on. 

You’ve already loved yourself better and enough that you do not need to depend on others’ treatment.

Weakness or Strength?

They’ll see this as weakness, their cruelty will take advantage of it, they’ll take this as cowardly but my soft-heart is one of the things that keep me alive, sane and bright.

I used to think of myself as a weakling. Always ready to give in into people’s desires, wants and needs—setting aside my own. Always happy for other people’s happiness and even willing to give up my own. I used to just live for other’s and are willing to bend on over just to please other people.

I used to think that my gift of forgiving others no matter how much they have wronged me is a weakness. Always trying to understanding what led to this and throwing away the pain because finding joy and peace with others is a lot more better than holding grudges.

As I went on in a loop of heartache, trauma and confusion, I have found my strength in cruel situations. No matter how people think it was pathetic of me to reach out or seek forgiveness, no matter how much of a loser they think I would be when I say sorry more than I should, I still found it as a strength and an ability for a more successful me.

I am strong enough to apologize and strong enough to forgive. Strong enough to choose forgetting rather than holding to so much pain for far too long.

Choose this strength—the strength to have a soft-heart in a tough world. To use it in cruel situations.