If you have been reading my blog for a long time or maybe from April onwards, you would know exactly what transpired over the course of what, 2 months? Yeah.
Some days I feel better, some days I still cry. Some days I think about everything, every moment I spent with these people for more than 10 years, for more than half of my life?! It breaks me, it tears my soul apart, my heart cries as my tears well up.
I always catch myself having a trip down memory lane. A little thing would trigger it and then I head back right where it all started, I recount the fun times, those times when they all have my back, the times when I was there and all that. I spiral down on those times and end up feeling a lump in my throat, my stomach clenches and my heart in my mouth. It’s as if I can’t breathe and I just watch from afar the good old days that have come and past and now, nowhere to be found. It sucks. But how could I say I improved after all these? After all the trips I took down memory lane? Did I become better or worse? Was the feeling still SO BAD? No.
I don’t ask “why?” anymore. The familiar ache, painful stabs in my heart are present but the questioning is not there anymore. No matter how many times I tried to explain myself, no one will listen when they have already came up with the judgment and conclusion for themselves. Before anything else, let me just say that though I still get lost and confused, I strongly feel that every party has done grave mistakes and I can only hope that everyone will realize it sooner or later.
Anyway, yes, I don’t ask the “why?” anymore because despite that I am almost done being angry, I feel a little more grateful that it all transpired.
Had it not happened, I won’t probably be changing my ways! I looked at myself and man was I actually nothing different from terrible. I watch myself crumble every night but I continue to realize that this happened so that I can become a better person. I deserved a better life.
If this didn’t happen, I would probably be in a very toxic environment. I would even be very toxic than ever and it kills me just thinking about it.
This is an amazing learning experience for everyone and as surprising as ever, I feel grateful and blessed to have faced that crazy roller coaster ride. Refreshing, renewing and very much rewarding.
(image from google)