Disclaimer: I have written snippets and bits of what my heart tells me and take the title for it.
It is such a bad idea to replay over and over again in my head every single detail, every crushing statement, every belittling and every soul-eating phrase they told me. But I guess it only made me much more ‘okay’ than I have ever been. Not totally over it, but I’m getting there.
I have written numerous letters and whatnot that I have never given out to these people. Basically pouring my feelings out, noting every crucial emotion I once had from more or less 10 years ago until about the last 4 months of 2017.
There were so many fun things, memorable moments and amazing life experiences I have shared with these people and before, when everything crumbled down, I thought “did it all go down the drain? Just like that?!?” then I found my answer—no. It didn’t go down the drain. Everything is a lesson learned (the hard way) everything is an opportunity for growth, may it be good or bad.
There are a lot of truths and lies in the small world I lived in for the most part. There were definitely details worth remembering, there were some that are better left to be forgotten. However, both the good and bad snippets are to be remembered, no matter how hard it is for me.
For the past 10-15 years, I have made my world smaller and smaller. Rotating around those whom I chose to be with. I thought it was better and I thought it’s all good. Little did I know that I was moving towards crisis, catastrophe and self-destruction. It was only made worst by the exact thing that happened to me but I figured it was also for the best.
I can’t say that these people were worthless pieces of shits because at one point, I have admired and loved them. I lamented on their loss, their absence. I couldn’t fill the void for a long time and I cried every single time I had the chance. I don’t say much but I still cry about it. I have invested so much but it was destroyed in a whim and that says a lot about friendship and relationship and life!
For a long time I questioned everything they did, everything that was said to me, every action, everything! But the saddest thing was when I started to I question my worth. Why did it have to happen to me? Am I not worthy of goodness, love and friendship? A simple thing that was blown out of proportion has cost me so much and what happened to them? They were all too happy to have kicked me out. No one tried to reach out to me and helped me make amends. Or maybe this is all just too broken to be fixed? Nonetheless, I keep questioning myself and my worth but it got me nowhere near happiness. It dragged me to a hellhole I didn’t intend to visit.
Next thing I knew, I was tallying all the moments I was a good friend to them. I was putting into account all the moments wherein I spent my own bit of personal time just to listen to their woes. I was quantifying everything I did that no one else did for them but what good did it do me? It just made me succumb to anger, grief and loneliness. Then it hit me. I was right! I once was a good friend, great even. Best!
All these time I thought I was doing a lot of people a favour but it blew out of my face. That’s the craziest thing of it all. My intentions were not what they thought and it all lead to me—being the bad guy. But what’s done is done.
Overall, my emotions are all over the place. I keep getting angry but I keep realizing the lessons I have learned and I should really thank them for this. I have been put through so much it was draining but it is an inevitable lesson I should learn—planned by the universe itself! I lost all the investments. Emotionally, mentally, physically, money-wise, relationship-wise. EVERY SINGLE THING. Or that’s how I felt for a time but it all changed after realizing that there are many things I should be grateful for. Especially my family. All the friends I still have. All the career opportunity I have missed because I was too worried to not be with them. I have all the time I can get– to be spent on more amazing things than cry and that’s a good realization I could take by heart.
There are more to this life than the boxed version I once had. There’s more to this life than what I thought I had.
There’s more and I just have to take one step at a time to get closer to my goal.
I have lost so much but I gained tenfold. If they think I am a worthless piece of shit, I trust that they will realize somehow that I’ve been a friend as well when no one else was there for them.