What have I learned from my recent traumatic experience and what should I value in this experience? I guess it’s the faith and belief that no matter how bad a person can be, you should still see the goodness in them. There’s still kindness in their hearts and it doesn’t mean that they will carry on to be a mean person.
Just like as I am now.
Honestly, there is a lot of learning I should take from this experience but the main part which I am thankful for is how I learned to forgive myself through this “battle”.
I was sick with guilt from how I was, how I treated other people and what I say about them. I didn’t see myself that bad and felt it was normal, like everyone is doing it and at least, that’s from my point of view. I still think everyone does it but I am not justifying my actions, just saying. Everyone has been a mean person, said a lot of hideous things and made bad decisions, but that’s how you’ll learn and that’s how I did. I used my energy crying my heart out and replaying everything as much as I can until I fall asleep. I was almost eaten whole by my guilt. I realized how stuck I was, how much shit I have taken and how much shit I’ve given and that’s when I learned to forgive myself. I rolled on with the punches and took everything I can, I blamed myself for the bad things I have done and instead of being lonely and week, I felt strong and hopeful. Finally, I have learned to fully embrace my flaws. Everything ugly about me and my past, I learned to accept it and use it to be able to move forward. It could be one of the hardest things but I did it, I forgave myself.
After several phases of my grief, anger and denial, I came to the acceptance part and though I am not sure if I can say that I have fully accepted my fate, I was able to forgive everyone who caused me so much hurt.
People can say whatever the hell they want and think what they want but aside from the fact that I may sound like an idiot right now after a few angry blog posts and sad thoughts, I came to forgive these people.
Why? Because I believe in goodness. I’ve known these people since I was 11 years old, one since I was 14 and I can say that no matter how badly things ended, I know that they are good people.
There could be a lot of reasons as to why they did that and it doesn’t matter anymore. The thing that matters the most is that despite everything, they have been kind and good at some point in their lives and I know they will be even better people than they have been few weeks ago.