The Lasts of My Thoughts
I am not one to blame someone for my stupidity and my wrong doings. I am all for becoming a better person and someone that my 50 year old self would be proud of.
No matter how much I try to be silent about it, no matter how much I keep my lips sealed, I can’t help but share with you the thoughts racing inside my head.
HOW COULD YOU. I asked myself the same thing, how could have I done such terrible things? Oh yeah, I was young and stupid. That’s no excuse but that’s the truth!! I was such a terrible “friend’ and I only hoped that I made up for it when I wasn’t being stupid anymore. However, things turn around and escalated and magnified and the next thing I know, my mistakes were highlighted like CRAY!
How could you let the past sway you? You feel like all of a sudden you don’t know me anymore because of how shitty I was back then? Well truce! Cause I fucking do not know every one of you as well until the last bit of what we call “friendship”. Allow me to dissect it not for the entire world to see, but for my own peace of mind.
How could you thank someone for spilling the bad beans of the past? You’re not even that close. I mean, did you honestly think she said all of that because she fucking cares about your feelings and well-being? All of you know that she didn’t say that because she CARES. She said that because she just doesn’t want to be my “friend” anymore and Idk? Turn everyone else against me? When asked “why?” she said “so that everyone would know the real you” oh what is the real me? What? Did you think that what you did was not MONSTROUS?
Before I finally shut the hell up, let me just tell you this. Wait, I wanna say FUCK YOU but that’s just wrong and I feel like I’d give you guys more reasons to “hate” me and I’ll give you the privilege to HATE ME MORE and FEEL DAMN BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF so I’ll just tell you this, SHAME ON YOU. If you think that you’re doing the right thing, you could have done it the fucking right way. Like what? Like SCHEDULE AN OPEN FUCKING FORUM because did you really think that you are the only one hurting? HAHA. I hate myself for saying this but SHAME ON YOU FOR PRAISING GOD AND WORSHIPPING HIM AND GOING TO CHURCH EVERY DAMN WEEK ONLY TO FUCKING BE A BITCH AND TEAR ME DOWN. Why? Because YOU WERE INVITED LAST MINUTE TO MY BIRTHDAY DINNER? Did it ever occur to you why? Didn’t you think that I didn’t just not like you because I simply hate you? Didn’t you think that you’ve been a bitch to me the entire time and for once, for once I want to be happy without being uncomfortable? I did invite you the last minute and TO BE HONEST, I FELT BAD FOR NOT TELLING YOU SOON ENOUGH. But this? HAHA.
You—going to church has nothing to do with this fucking worthless antic of yours but, I mean. How could you even praise and worship then go home and be mean to people you do not like?
This goes for all the people who are so righteous that they fail to do WHAT IS RIGHT because they’re so blinded. I don’t want to be mean but, I just can’t help but to feel bad for what you did to me. AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
You can all go to hell if I’d be as monstrous as you think I am, but that’s not what I wish for you all.
I wish you well and that this never happens to anyone else.
I hope that if you develop a hate for someone or if you encounter a tragic experience with your FRIENDS, schedule a peaceful open forum where everyone opens up because nothing could be better than fixing things and doing what is right. Nothing is better than repenting and owning up to the mistakes and trying to move on—being a better person. I hope that you stop accusing other people without looking at the root cause of things, without understanding one another’s perspective. I hope you don’t do things you’ll regret for the rest of your life, I hope that when you do a totally life changing thing—you would be able to sleep well at night and not look back and think “was I right with what I did?”
TO MY EX FRIENDS, this is the last bit of what I would have to say and this is a good month’s worth of grief. I honestly and most sincerely wish you all the best in life and though it may be sad that everything had to end this way, know that you could have done the right thing but you didn’t. Know that we could have repaired this but we didn’t and that’s not something I could have decided for all of us because you have engineered it very well to turn your backs on me and I don’t blame you for your rash decisions. Though it’s heart breaking, I still pray every day that you may find peace and happiness and I don’t wish you bad luck as you might want to think because now, my heart is filled and I am hopeful once and for all. This experience have taught me well and I hope it taught you stuff too. It’s actually good that we parted ways. It just broke my heart because until now, I couldn’t believe you let this happen. Hahahaha. But it’s all good! Enjoy life and let’s all move forward!
If anyone else would object as to why I had to write this, LET ME TELL YOU THIS. I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO VOICE OUT WHAT I FELT AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY SPACE I CAN FIND WITHOUT BEING A “BITCH”. So leave me be and let’s be happy!
On a lighter note, after writing this, I feel better and hopeful.