You’d feel a pang of ache in your chest, your stomach clenches and suddenly your heart is in your throat. You croak and can’t speak audibly. The room spins and your head starts to pound. Your chest feels so burdened and heavy, you want to cry but nothing comes out. It’s like you’re holding into a plastic bag filled with water but it’s not ready to explode. Not yet. That’s how I felt when I had to say goodbye to my best friends.
I wasn’t even ready to say goodbye to them and I wasn’t even able to tell them what my heart wants mainly because I am too baffled to begin or my mind is racing that I can’t find the words that I should say. I lost all the words I could ever hope of saying and I lost the will to try. I found myself thinking about the possibilities and if there are best ways to have done things differently despite what transpired almost a month ago.
I have learned so many things not just about other people and feelings but about myself and about how outsiders look and feel –if they can relate, what they had to say and what they think about the situation. I have learned so many things about life and friendship that I didn’t think what happened was all that bad. I guess it’s only a matter of perspective, how we see things and how we should feel towards the bad stuff and how we can turn it around and change for the better.
You see, we can’t do anything about the past. We can’t change it nor will it even make a difference if we change it. The only thing we can do now is try to change the future and live for the moment. For now, I am taking baby steps and overcome this difficult time. I just find it difficult right now but maybe once I get through this, I’d probably be more grateful than hurt.
I’ve come to remove the angry streak that’s running in my system right now. I am trying to understand the situation and furthermore, I am trying to just let it go. I will focus my strength and energy towards thing that should matter rather than the past. The past is in the past now and even if I turn back a hundred million times, even if I cry a river of tears, nothing will ever change what happened already. All I can do now is to learn something from it.