How To Not Feel Like This?

Last night, I allowed myself to cry again for about 3-5 minutes before sleeping. I keep thinking about the friends I had back then, those who “got my back” for almost 10 years. 10 years, all went down the drain, all went down in the garbage like useless trash. I don’t even think about whose fault is it, I just keep thinking how long will I allow myself to be in so much pain. How far will I have to go in order to learn what I need to learn. How long will I have to wait in order to accept everything.

I don’t even long for the friendship, I am sure the feeling is mutual and that we can no longer go back. I have accepted that fact. The thing I continue to dwell on is the closure I never got.

And why the hell do I need closure? I’m not even sure anymore.

Continuously Changing

Here’s a sneak peek of how I tried changing my hair. Don’t get too excited because it’s not that short. I still have a bunch of shoulder length hair on the back part. Nonetheless, a change is still a step forward no matter how small it is. 

What 18 years of Friendship Looks Like

It was June 1999. The first day of 2nd grade. My mom dropped me off way too early than she should. It was what, like 6:30 in the morning? The sun wasn’t completely out yet, it’s still a bit chilly and the sky looks quite gloomy. The classroom is still quiet. I didn’t bother with the class list, confident enough that I will meet new friends again. At the back of my head, I was thinking about Odes, Faye, VL, Bea, Lara—the friends I was so used to be around with back in 1st grade. “Don’t worry, Faye, VL, Bea and Lara are still your bus mates so you would get to see them and be around them every day. Odes will still be your friend, her room is close by where you’re at!” that’s what my mom told me and I was reassured. She told me to sit in the front row, so that’s what I did. My mom was trying to make small talk with me because maybe, I look a bit nervous. I keep looking at my Mary Janes and St. Michaels knee-high socks, I keep wondering if it’s too high for a pair or was it just normal, until a girl sat next to me. My mom told me that I am about to make friends now so she’ll leave me kissed me goodbye and left for work.

I was left with a girl named Cathy. She talked about how she had just got back from the States and that her family had a nice time visiting Universal Studios. She told me all about Lego Land and I was so fascinated about her escapades. The bell rang and students are pouring inside the classroom and this one girl stood out. She have this curly light brown hair in pigtails looking nervous and shy. Her ears are distinct and she entered the room quietly with her pink Barbie stroller bag and sat at the back of the room. That’s when I knew I’d like to be friends with her.

Though I wasn’t completely the shy type back then, I didn’t make a move to be friends with her, I was actually glad to sit next to Cathy and she was this really cool nice girl who talks a lot and kept me entertained.

After a few weeks, our Filipino teacher Miss Dano was quite irritated with my talkative classmate who sits next to curly light brown haired girl—Gert. Being Miss Dano’s sort of favourite, she asked me to exchange seats with Gert’s seatmate and I ended up sitting next to curly light brown haired girl—Gert every Filipino (subject) time. The next thing I know, I introduced Gert to Cathy and my other new found friends. Until such time we ate together, exchanged Play Station games (Rugrats: A Search for Reptar and Spice Girls) Then I opted to choose the “2nd trip” every dismissal just so Gert and I could play at the school’s playground! We played all sorts of games and pretended we were in Legends of The Hidden Temple or Global Guts!

Then a lot of other years came and we were always classmates so we ended up being total Best Friends since 2nd grade!

I transferred schools, we remained best friends. We would even have sort of week-long sleep overs at her house and do nonsense. We just enjoyed each other’s company all the time until 18 years have passed!

Now, we are both 26 years old and nothing really changed. Except that our problems turned into adult dilemmas instead of trying to finish Crash Bandicoot and Mary-Kate and Ashley Magical Mystery Mall on Play Station!

I cannot even put into words how blessed and grateful I am that in my lifetime, I found a gem. Though we are completely different, we stayed best friends—sisters even!

Happy Birthday, G! You’re the best and the universe have proved it anyway. I love you so much!

It’s Not Always About You

What if we live in a world wherein we know that it isn’t always about us and our feelings?

There are a bunch of things that lead back to us—being selfish and thinking about our feelings, treating our emotions as important as a precious gem without realizing that we are just part of a vast universe. That the world does not revolve around us and we shouldn’t be too selfish.

Here are the things that happen when our feelings are being “too important” for us.

  1. When things do not go our way, we focus our energy on being frustrated and disappointed.
  2. We question whether or not we deserve an ugly treatment.
  3. Our pride is important. Our ego should be fed every once in a while.
  4. We form hatred and ill feelings toward other people because we may be jealous, insecure, immature or anything that floats that same boat.
  5. We are too petty.

Imagine how easier our life will be if we don’t see ourselves as entitled and privileged as we usually do?

If we realize that this isn’t about us, about our feelings, we tend to be more positive, more accepting and more grateful. We don’t sulk so much, we don’t waste our energy on things that shouldn’t matter.

Real Talk, Pep Talk

Disclaimer: This is not intended to offend and bring you down. This is an encouragement in a different light.

I want to encourage people to be as strong as they can. To look at the bright side of things, to appreciate what they have instead of feeling bad for things they can’t have at that particular time.

There are a lot of clichés in this world and to tell you honestly, these clichés may not mean a thing to you but as awful as it is, clichés are true.

Whenever you feel bad about something, when you get bothered or stressed out, when you are hurt by things, events or people who may or may not be close to your heart—you can only cry so much. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel bad but it’s not okay to feel bad for a long time. You have to make sure that you shrug it off your shoulders as soon as you can and this isn’t because you want to prove the world that you are strong and brave. You have to do it because in this world of cruelty, you have to see the greatness. The light. The amazing things. You have to be okay sooner than you think you should because life is short to sulk, too short to hate, too short to cry, too short to be angry!

We don’t have the luxury to live as if we can live forever. Life ends and we know it. We should always treasure life in a sense that we choose to see great things instead of the bad ones. We need to choose happiness instead of loneliness and we need to stay positive.

You see, the problem with people these days is that they feel like they’re so privileged and entitled to a lot of things. Like we think we deserve a lot of good things and cry when bad things happen. We fail to realize that most of the time; it isn’t about our feelings and ourselves. There are greater things in this world and when things do not happen as planned, when you get hurt, when you stay nice but receive rudeness, its’ the universe’s way of reminding you that you are not entitled. No one ever is.

You are not entitled to anything no matter how good of a person you are, no matter how nice you’ve been. The world will keep its pace and spin, the sun will continue to rise and set, night will come as days would and life goes fucking on no matter how badly you feel.

The universe can fck itself and the world will not crumble when you crumble. It doesn’t fucking care about how you feel. Life is like that, you don’t get to have the luxury of feeling so helpless because the only one that will suffer from repercussions of “being so helpless” is you and you alone.

Instead of wallowing on your pain, disappointments and frustrations, you have to stay strong. You have to accept that things happen as it happens and there’s so little you can do to turn it around. Instead, welcome these bad things and stay okay. Every shit that happens to you, could happen to anyone else. It’s not like you are cursed or something.

Get by, move on, move forward, let it go cause life goes on.

Hi Mom!

As I grow older, it becomes more and more real how my mom is my best friend. I used to say she’s my best friend because I know she’s always there for me, she helps me with a lot of things, cooks for me and does a lot of mom-dad stuff for me. Now, I realized how much of an actual best friend she has been!

  1. Just like how a TRUE friend should be, my mom never judges me. My appearance, decisions and choices. She encourages me to build my identity, to grow and learn from my mistakes and has always been with me through everything without judgment!
  2. She makes sure that I am happy and contented with everything. If it seems like I am not, she will point out the things I overlooked and makes sure I am grateful enough no matter how small a thing is.
  3. My mom doesn’t find it awkward to talk to me about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. How cringe-worthy? MAYBE CRAZY CRINGE-WORTHY but I’m glad we talk about everything. From bad attitudes, insights, realizations, reflections to love, sex and BIRTH CONTROL. Man oh man. BIRTH CONTROL. I can’t. HAHAHA.
  4. She cheers me on and makes sure I have a ray of sunshine no matter how gloomy a day can be.
  5. She loves me so much that she shows it every day. We may or may not see each other every day but sure enough, she shows me that I am loved by her.

The world can suck and fck itself but it doesn’t matter cause I am truly blessed I have my mom. I can’t thank the Lord enough how perfect it is that my mama is my mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!

Life Is Short To Spend It On Hating

Life is too short, too precious and valuable to spend it on things that do not matter. Hating takes so much of your energy and seeps the love out of you which makes your remaining time on earth a little less amazing than it should.

Life is short to spend in on hating. Spend your life wisely. Don’t let hate eat you. ~

What If The Dead Can’t Hear You?

Why do we always wait for someone to die before we quietly cry as we pour our hearts out while they lie in their coffin? Why do we wait for them to die before we replay all the good memories? Why wait for them to die before we visit them?

Why do we always just look at the dead and wish they could hear the words we wanna say?

Why? What if the dead can’t hear us anymore?

Forguve while you can, speak to people when you can, look them in the eye genuinely and tell them everything you wish to say because if they die, you’re not even sure that they could hear you. Life is short. Remember that. ~