I still think about it at random times but no I don’t cry anymore. I still think about what happened, I still think that had I did a different thing, had I said the different words, could this have happened? Well maybe this wouldn’t have been the case but either way, I was meant to be torn apart on the day after my 26th birthday; Manila time (and still the 7th of April to most of you across the world, so technically it could still have been my 26th birthday by the time I was being torn out, stripped off, shamed)
Remember when I told you guys that I was actually excited? That this was the first birthday I have ever looked forward to? Remember when I wasn’t afraid of my birthday and instead, I was even happy that I am given another chance to turn things around in my life? Then all of a sudden, it was the cherry on top! To be harassed, kicked out, torn down, shamed, stripped naked, ripped off. If I could paint how it felt, I would. Maybe this calls for a painting or a drawing? I shall paint it (or let Kyx do it because he’s better lol)
Now, it has been 12 days since that fateful day. I would replay it and rewind over my head but no, don’t worry cause I am not thinking of suicide even if maybe I have all the right to do so. Lol. But no. Because how many times should I say this—it was one of the best gifts ever. Imagine starting a new year (cheers for my birthday) without having to deal with drama, without continuing bad stuff—because if this didn’t happen, would I be a better person? At least I really did have a chance to make myself a better person, to call out the better version of myself.
I forgot to say but this randomly popped in my head: when I was saying sorry over the group chat, owning up to my mistakes, I didn’t bother finding proof to protect myself, I didn’t bother to look for screenshots other people said about other people because I feel like oh yes, this is all on me. I was to be blamed for my severely mean approach on back biting but then I realized I was being blamed for everyone’s mistakes! Imagine me saying sorry and owning up to my mistakes—being called a “best actress” looking for sympathy? Again, I am not one to act like the victim. My ex friends think that they were the only ones hurt, they didn’t even bother being the better versions of themselves that instead of talking to me, they attacked head on without even giving me the chance to speak. It was all played and planned out.
So how am I holding up now? Grateful. Still, it aches but it doesn’t make me sad anymore. Not so much. Because I continue to learn about myself, learn from the mistakes and go on with my life with the few that’s left to like me for being me.
Now, I also control my emotions. I don’t easily react on things and I don’t rant about other people to other people. I try to be as calm and composed as I am, as adult as I could.