I NEED YOUR OPINION. PLEASE.

I need an outsider’s point of view, no biases. Because I need to wrap my head around something.

This is not a pity party.

If you haven’t heard of my story just yet, please take a peek at these links and you shall find out.

Anyway, life hasn’t been really great lately but I am holding up. Really. I am not crying about it and that’s a huge deal because mostly, I cry about a lot of things, even the simplest ones! So it’s totally an achievement to not cry over things like this. Great.

Here’s the thing:

You’ve been friends all your life, you know each other very well but there were times you threw snide comments, lash out, got irritated and annoyed at one point, maybe a lot of times, but you were there when they needed a friend. You weren’t such a fake ass bitch all along but you had your moments and a fair share of rudeness and bitchiness that you thought was okay at that time. When you felt really bad about what you did, you make up for it and be really nice. But then again, no friendship is perfect and you still blew some parts off. Then you don’t know exactly what triggered everything but then all of a sudden, your friends ganged up on you in a very spiteful manner, sending screenshots of conversations, stuff you told them in confidence, it was so horrible and embarrassing. But just to be clear, it’s not all you. You were with another friend/friends, and that friend is agreeing and throwing snide comments as well in it for the bitch party you may or may not have started. However, you’re the only focus. The things you did and said from years back were pulled through again and was thrown in front of your face for the whole world to see. Again, these people are you friends since forever.

Do you have a “do differently” or you actually deserve it?

I deserve to have lost these people as friends, I know that. But do I deserve what happened? Exactly what happened? Does anyone deserve it? To be treated like that? This is not a cry for help but a call for definite and honest answers. This is not me playing victim, but I really want to understand why. I need to know if you were on the other side of the boat, will you have humiliated your friend as well? Would you have done the same? Please tell me. I really need to know because I’m being pushed over the edge of suicide. I know I wouldn’t do it, but I am just about to open that unpleasant idea. Don’t take this as a warning, I am not warning anyone, I just really want to be honest with what I am feeling and where I stand as of the moment.

I need your answers. It’s important to me. I wanna hear you.

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It Has Been 12 Days Since I was Torn Apart

 

I still think about it at random times but no I don’t cry anymore. I still think about what happened, I still think that had I did a different thing, had I said the different words, could this have happened? Well maybe this wouldn’t have been the case but either way, I was meant to be torn apart on the day after my 26th birthday; Manila time (and still the 7th of April to most of you across the world, so technically it could still have been my 26th birthday by the time I was being torn out, stripped off, shamed)

Remember when I told you guys that I was actually excited? That this was the first birthday I have ever looked forward to? Remember when I wasn’t afraid of my birthday and instead, I was even happy that I am given another chance to turn things around in my life? Then all of a sudden, it was the cherry on top! To be harassed, kicked out, torn down, shamed, stripped naked, ripped off. If I could paint how it felt, I would. Maybe this calls for a painting or a drawing? I shall paint it (or let Kyx do it because he’s better lol)

Now, it has been 12 days since that fateful day. I would replay it and rewind over my head but no, don’t worry cause I am not thinking of suicide even if maybe I have all the right to do so. Lol. But no. Because how many times should I say this—it was one of the best gifts ever. Imagine starting a new year (cheers for my birthday) without having to deal with drama, without continuing bad stuff—because if this didn’t happen, would I be a better person? At least I really did have a chance to make myself a better person, to call out the better version of myself.

I forgot to say but this randomly popped in my head: when I was saying sorry over the group chat, owning up to my mistakes, I didn’t bother finding proof to protect myself, I didn’t bother to look for screenshots other people said about other people because I feel like oh yes, this is all on me. I was to be blamed for my severely mean approach on back biting but then I realized I was being blamed for everyone’s mistakes! Imagine me saying sorry and owning up to my mistakes—being called a “best actress” looking for sympathy? Again, I am not one to act like the victim. My ex friends think that they were the only ones hurt, they didn’t even bother being the better versions of themselves that instead of talking to me, they attacked head on without even giving me the chance to speak. It was all played and planned out.

So how am I holding up now? Grateful. Still, it aches but it doesn’t make me sad anymore. Not so much. Because I continue to learn about myself, learn from the mistakes and go on with my life with the few that’s left to like me for being me.

Now, I also control my emotions. I don’t easily react on things and I don’t rant about other people to other people. I try to be as calm and composed as I am, as adult as I could.

Stop The Blame Game

*Sigh* I have had enough of the stupid blame game. Own up to what the fuck you said without telling people you were just influenced. Because at the end of the day, you have an own mind, own decisions and choices so why would you want to blame someone else for your own actions? That’s just pathetic.

Now, if you haven’t read the posts I have written telling the details of the misfortune I had to deal with 24 hours after my birthday, here are the links!

How was able to get back up, how was I able to move on after all that has happened? Simple.

I owned up to what I did. I was sorry, sincerely sorry for the bad things I did and said. I made a pact with myself to never ever do it again even if it’s a matter of life and death. I also made sure to take care of my friends who never left me.

They say I am faking my “moved on” phase. No. Maybe I still am hurt and sad about what happened but more than anything else, I am actually happy and grateful this happened early on. At least I get to start another year of my life without these kinds of people. I mean I don’t want to talk ill about them, not anymore, but I just really want to start anew!

How was I able to accept my fate like this? Because I know what happened and I see the truth. I didn’t need anyone to take the fall for me. That’s why I was able to move forward merrily.

Always remember, before pointing your fingers and putting the blame on others, make sure that you are spotless.

I Lost Them but I am Not Friendless

It’s been over a week since the incident happened. I still play it all over my head, I was trying to figure out where it all started, was it just my fault, was I a big demon or was it influenced by the culture our circle of friends had? Nonetheless I only encountered a reasonable answer and that’s “It doesn’t matter anymore”. Why do I keep playing it over and over my head? Why do I keep solving something that isn’t a problem anymore? Somehow, maybe I was looking for closure, a peaceful end on things but I came to realize that it’s not worth it anymore and whatever I was looking for, shall remain out of reach for me.

Here’s my take on how I could be able to leave everything behind. Though I feel like it was unfair for me that I took all the blame when in fact, everyone did each other the same mistakes I did, it’s something I should forget.

  • They’re really not my friends. Not only because of what happened but because there was this huge thing around us that made me think and say bad stuff. Something I always took against others even if I shouldn’t. So if they were intensely my true friends, I shouldn’t have said stuff about them? Or was that normal?
  • The moment I was not given a chance to speak, the moment they all pitted against me and attacked me with bullets I handed them, it’s all over.
  • It’s a good thing they did me a huge favour of kicking me out on our group. If they didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have completely changed my ways. If not for that, I would’ve been the same sly mean girl I was back in the day.

It’s a shame things ended badly right after I treated them for my birthday but that’s also one of the best things they can ever do. They say they stripped me from my true colors, I wonder if their true colors weren’t stripped when they did that to me? Maybe, I lost some “friends” but that doesn’t mean I am friendless. I still have a handful of friends I can treat well. I have moved forward and that’s a start of something new right?

 

What The Frick Happened?! Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me!

Now, I am ready to share with you all what happened. This is as far as I can remember. I’ll try to be more specific and this is going to be the most honest post I have ever written, unleashing everything and stripping down myself for the entire world to see. This is what happened.

Remember when I was still an insecure hypocrite? Someone always jealous of everything, someone so insecure about life? Or that time when I was in a bad place wherein I don’t think about what I say and do? How about the time when I tell stuff about other people and then probably add a bit more to the story or make it something that would not make me look bad or make myself feel better despite how bad I look inside? Didn’t we all had that time? Oh yes, maybe I was the only one who said bad things about other people or about my friends. I give off snide comments and remarks, I mock people, every inch of them and then I realize my mistakes and as much as I wanted to take it back at that moment, I made up for it through different ways like being there for them when they needed me, or someone they can talk to and “trust”. Yes, how ironic that I wanted to be trusted when I don’t even deserve it in the first place. I maybe had that thing wherein I wanted to be liked very very much and sometimes, I put people on the line for my own benefit. But was I alone in this? Well about the time where I judge ever so easily at first without even knowing that person then figure out my judgment was wrong? How will I ever take back my own judgment when words slipped from my mouth already? Of course, I make it up again by being someone better. Yes.

I have thrown so many bad stuff towards other people. I have said words, sentences, comments about a lot of things that could have been so hurtful but what’s my excuse to that? Nothing. I was just really a BAD PERSON in the past. I couldn’t even think of things on how I could justify my actions because behind my great friend persona is a demon right? I wasn’t thinking that I have built that character and lived by it for a long time. I killed that person after I turned 26 though.

The day after my birthday, my friends pitted against me and pinned me down sending screenshots and recalling all the bad stuff I said about someone, all the badmouthing I did, all the shitty stuff I said, all the actions I made that was seemingly okay before and realizing how bad it was! They were throwing attacks toward me. AFTER MY BIRTHDAY. Yes. They even told me that it was their gift to me, unleashing my “true identity”. They brought up all the bad shit I did and say, everything. When I apologized and owned up to my mistakes, they still threw attacks and no one, NO ONE listened to what I have to say. Yes. You know what, I probably deserved that scene, wherein everybody threw their stones my ways because of all the things I have done, all the badmouthing I did before. Yes. I probably deserve that because who am I to expect something good from her friends when in the first place I was such a monster? So yes, I cried my heart out and ugly cried once more in front of my mom and Kyx. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t even eat and sleep. I kept thinking about what the fuck did I do? Why am I like that before? Why was I such a monster and a bad friend?

But then you know what, after regretting everything I did and said, I did own up to my mistakes and even said sorry. SINCERELY. Then I realized, all the accusations, was I the only one who ever did that? Maybe I did a lot of bad stuff compared to everyone else, but who are you to feel so hurt and bad when you also did that same thing? Maybe I have been the worst friend ever, but who are you to act like you did not partake on the mistakes I have made, who are you to judge when you also did the same thing I did?

I thought I was gonna cry a long time, there were a lot of mean words thrown out there for me, AFTER MY 26TH BIRTHDAY! I was even greeted by these people after being mean to me telling me it was their gift. You know what? I am so grateful. I am ever so grateful this ugly stuff happened because now, I really am going to be a better person. Someone who is not judgmental anymore. Who wouldn’t be badmouthing the friends I have left. I will be a genuine great friend this time and all thanks to what happened to me. Whew! I was so glad this happened to me. I thank the Lord that this happened to me so that I can finally grow up to be a better person instead of the shitty one that I once were.

That’s what happened, and you know what, it’s probably the best gift I have ever received aside from the love I was given by my family.

Congratulations for successfully pinning me down and shaming me in front of the whole circle of friends. Thank you for stripping me naked and succeeding on showing the true colors I have back then. Now, I am a better person. I trust myself on this one that I wouldn’t be a shitty friend anymore.

Thank you so much for treating me like garbage cause I probably deserved that but after this, I am a new person.

I wouldn’t die if I have lost friends who did that amazing thing to me—pinning me down. I will move on, I will never look back. Thank you and Goodbye!

Burning Bridges

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Of course, if it isn’t for the famous burning of bridges for a better you and a better future?

They said that we shouldn’t burn bridges but that’s also different from one person to another. My mom always told us that cutting ties are hard but when necessary it is to be done.

I never wanted to burn bridges but maybe, it is now for the best and that’s necessary not only for my future but also for my growth as a person.

“Sometimes, you get the best light from a burning bridge.” That’s very true because these are learning experiences and these are things that you wouldn’t have seen if you didn’t burn bridges and cut ties.

I’m speaking while the wound is still fresh, while everything just happened very recently but what’s good is that I kept my cool, I stayed rational and I know just what to do now from hereon.

It’s also not easy to burn bridges especially if the bridge you’d be burning is built with a good foundation, if it stayed there for as long as you can remember. But while crossing that bridge, you find out that it’s better to burn it that look back—sometimes, it’s not worth it anymore.

Friends come and go, they do but not in the way we imagined it to be. Sometimes we feel like it’s just growing apart but when the time comes that bridges were to burned down, you look back in a state of shock while everything explodes right before your eyes. And kablam! The bridge you once loved was burned, never to return again.

What am I saying and what am I getting at? Burning bridges is necessary and not something we should all be afraid of.

Changed

ecf2516856b1e1a9767f8b62f87b56b8How many times did we ever say we’re going to try and change for the better? How many times then did we fail?

I think it’s always only a matter of time and learning experience in order for you to truly change. It takes some tough lessons that should be learned the hard way but all these bad experiences mean a whole lot to your being and to your future self.

I once was a great “back biting” snide commenter, ranter and whatnot. I do rant a lot about my friends to other friends and we join in together with the rants making ourselves feel better. Or that’s just me? I often rant and I want someone to hear me out and somewhat agree to what I was trying to say which makes me feel better but what’s wrong is that I harbour these negative emotions toward other people and I get other people to somewhat be on my side. And that’s a whole lot of crap you know?

I’ve been really a bad friend and I know that. I owned up to that and my mistakes will never have enough explanation but the question is that is it only I who made the dumb mistakes? Was it only me? How about the other people who ranted as well? Are they not liable or accused of the same thing I did? What about when they were the one who ranted and I just joined in, was it not counted?

But no, no more blame game no more pointing of fingers. My mistakes are mine and I will not blame other people for that, I will also own up to it and I would always apologize for it. There’s no reason to put the blame on other people. There’s no reason to justify my own actions toward a certain person. Because what I did may probably only influenced by a situation or a person or an action but it was still my choice to commit that mistake.

I am not a saint but I am not that sort of monster too. I know where I stand, I know what I did and what I should be held accounted for but don’t go telling me that YOUR actions are to be blamed on me because those were your doing. I may have lighted and triggered something but what you said was from your mouth and I did not put it there alone all on and by myself.

Get my point?

What I am saying is that we have our own mistakes and there’s no point in blaming other people. At least own up to yours.

Now I can only think of being a better and more genuine person! I will really be a better person, work on my mistakes and flaws. Be someone more patient, genuine and understanding. Stop judging and be more careful with the words I throw. I am glad that this thing happened because if not, I maybe would’ve been the same mean person that I was.