What Is This Telling Me?

Boy oh boy does this gonna sound sad but I cannot count how many times I’ve got to deal with death from 2015 until today. Many lives of people close to my heart have been lost. It’s like I’m still trying to get over a death of someone then someone passes away soon enough and I’m left heartbroken again.

Late 2016 when my brothers’ grandfather died of old age.

Before Christmas of the same year, my Godmother passed away.

After New Year, January 2017, the brother of my grandmother passed away.

Now, after burying the grandfather, my mom’s close friend who is close to my heart passed away this morning January 23, 106.

I have realized a lot of things and my mind and heart is racing filled with thoughts and emotions. It’s really crazy! But let me write some of the things I have been sad about lately that is connected to life and death.

I have yet to accept that life ends no matter what happens simply because that’s the way things are. We are made to die, everyone dies and it’s only a matter of when and how. As simple as it sounds, it will never be easy peasy nd simple because it will always hurt you in different times, in different days, in different moments, situations and people. In short, a death of someone is always going to be painful. If you have experienced being left by people you love cause they died, it doesn’t make you numb. It will cut you right through your very fiber, your very being, your very heart and soul. Just thinking about it, it’s beautiful in odd and mad ways but it’s going to hurt big time.

I haven’t gotten over any losses. From my grandfather who died about 9 years ago, from my grandmother who died 5 years ago, from my aunt who died 1 year ago, I still ache and cry from time to time. I still feel that same odd feeling, the inconvenience and knots in my stomach. My wrenched heart. I can feel it all the same!

Now that I am 25 years old, I feel like am I just getting older so people around me is also getting older too or is it just everyone around me is dying? (that last line is so morbid I’m so sorry lol) okay okay, so I figured that it is very true that life is short. We’re always blessed to be alive with another chance to make things right, to be grateful, to reflect on things and to simply cherish our life.

I have to remind myself every day how I should feel more blessed and grateful instead of spiteful and lazy. I shall always make the people I love feel that I love them and that I am thankful they are part of my life cause if not for them, how will I have this determination to live? The inspiration to strive?

I will vow to be more forgiving, understanding and grateful. To be more patient, loving, caring. Less spiteful, still fierce but reasonable. I will vow today that I will cherish my life and people around me more than I ever did.


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