Solace in my Solitude

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You would not believe how many times I have withdrawn myself without feeling like I needed to actually come out. I didn’t even pressured myself with “getting my shit together” this time because I know I will come around. I know there’s nothing wrong with me this time and I just really want to be free, alone, quiet; swimming in my own thoughts without other people.

The thing about introverts, the true blue introverts, is that often we are confused about why we are like this. We would sort of feel guilty sometimes knowing that we tend to shut our doors not understanding that this is really something introverts normally do. The thing about the internet is that they often write about just the surface, the general things about introverts and common misconception that honestly, no one would read about but introverts. I mean why is society like this? Not interested in understanding people. Not pulling the depths of the waters towards them for understanding? Why?

Let me write about the “ugly” stuff I have to deal within myself as an INFJ, a true introvert. The most introvert among all introverts.

  1. I sometimes do not want to talk to other people and if I do talk to them, especially when necessary, I feel so forced. I feel violated and drained. This is true and not even in the cute way. It’s like my mood will be affected for the rest of the day and I will be lashing out on myself with negative thoughts or worst, lashing out on Kyx. My life partner.
  2. I am not good at explaining myself, I only ever explain myself when I really really really need to (which is not very often) that’s why if there’s something wrong with me, I wouldn’t want to explain it to other people, instead I will go away and just let myself heal in time.
  3. If I have decided to withdraw and move away from people (who particularly did something to hurt my feelings) I will go away and stay away. There’s a huge chance I may not be coming back because there’s also a huge chance that I have given way too many chances. More than anyone could ever have given. So when I say goodbye, I do it quietly without explanations and that’s it!
  4. Even if you’re my friend, I am not good at talking over the phone. I feel like I can’t express myself or I can’t focus on listening so I prefer we talk over text, chat or email. I’m sorry and it’s nothing personal. I just. I just don’t do well with phones, that’s all.
  5. If I have given so many chances to people who keep doing shit over and over again but I can’t leave cause it’s a family member or someone I really can’t get away with then I will try my very best to avoid this person. No small talks, no interactions (as much as I can!) This is not me being unforgiving, this is me just wanting to not get hurt by the same person and not feeling betrayed by myself.
  6. I carefully choose my friends now. I usually trust my friends, I trust them with every fiber of my being but now, I have changed and this is not because they did something to me but because I am no longer comfortable sharing everything. It’s not because they wouldn’t listen but because most of the time, they are already burdened by what’s going on with their own lives that I don’t want to add up to it anymore. They also do not ask me if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m feeling off so I don’t find the need to talk to them about my feelings anymore.

This is why I found solace in my solitude. The whole month of November, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I read so many books and shopped for even more wanting to reread several ones I have read in my lifetime. I also painted as much as I could even if it’s not really aesthetically nice enough to post. I just really wanted to do stuff without the need to socialize. No, I am not an anti-social. No. I just really really need time off! I spend 6 days of my life (long hours) at work and I only have 1 day for myself, so I found the need to be with myself as much as I could! There were days of November that I need to come out of my shell and socialize and not because I want to do it but because I am sort of forced and guilty not to. It was really not a nice feeling for me and I wish I never experience that again. I hope extroverts and even other people in general, understand that introverts sometimes choose to be alone because they need to not because they hate people. I want to write so much more about introverts but I feel like I want it to be more personal hence I want my experiences to be in here that is connected with my introvert-isms lol.

If you are an introvert, let me know! I want to visit your blog and read about your days no matter how random or insightful it might be.

 

(photo not mine. Got it via google)

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