That’s What You Do When Waves Crash On You, You Laugh.

I’ve always been a mama’s girl and I have never been ashamed of that. I wanted to start this entry by saying “if there’s one thing I love about mom’s teachings..” but one is not enough and I can’t even choose my favourite so randomly, let me share with you one of the many things my mom taught me that I will forever be grateful for and remember as long as I live.

“Cause that’s what you do when waves crash on you, you laugh. Remember, waves can be strong and it will hurt you, sometimes it has of very little impact but sometimes it may bruise you however, even if you’re lying helplessly on your back waiting for the waves to crash on you, just laugh and be brave. No matter how strong these waves are, they can never wither your soul and weaken your heart.”

Just like in life, there are problems. There will be things and people that will purposely do harm, hurt you in different ways. Sometimes these hurts can be forgotten but sometimes this will even impact you in a life changing way. Nonetheless, these are just waves and these can be powerful in hurting you but your soul will never wither, your strong heart will take over and you will still have power over yourself and everything. In all my battles, I have chosen and decided now that I shall just laugh at it. Most of the time it will tend to crush my little heart but it will never ever make it to touching my soul. My feelings and emotions are as important as anything but these are my own and I have control on everything I have within myself, which will not let my soul wither away. It will only make me stronger. And that’s what you need to do, make everything be felt by you but have control over your emotions. Do not let it get to you very deep that your soul burns. Make it essential but decide that you, of all people, will know better what’s good for you.

Waves may crash on you endlessly, sometimes you’re prepared but sometimes it will come as powerful as a thunder, mighty as a sea king but your heart and soul will be stronger. Keep it stronger and be brave.

A Book Review: The Girl On The Train

To start off, I love reading psychological thriller fictions. It makes me feel jumpy, I like the feeling of trying to find out the real deal behind the story. Now off to my book review lol.

I am rating 3/5 stars for this book.

The Girl On The Train is smartly written. It really has this “wtf is happening?!” sort of feel on the book. On the technical side: I love how the author Paula Hawkins can easily describe what’s going on in the scene which made it easier for me to see the scenario.

Also on the technical side: Maybe it’s not my type, like the style and how it was laid out. I like the different perspectives but it doesn’t stitch the story or the plot good enough for me to feel totally mind fucked. I guess I held too much expectation on this novel which left me a bit disappointed with how the story turned out.

In conclusion: I like the book but I didn’t feel the way I expected to feel. I was expecting a mind blowing plot twist. I was expecting a bang and “woah didn’t see that coming?!”. I guess towards the end, I have a hunch and it didn’t make a lot of sense as to why that should be the twist.

Overall, I like how it was written. I enjoyed the journey. Didn’t feel like it was a chore reading it. I wouldn’t recommend it though. Especially to people who loves thriller so much. But if you are looking for a good book different from your YAs, then this book is something nice! Also, I’m taking into account that I tried finishing it 1.5 days which felt super dragging for me and made it frustrating to find the “meh” or “blah” ending.

I have yet to watch the movie if I get a copy soon but I’m not on my toes, thinking I have more important things to do than watch it. I’m not being harsh. And for the ones who loved the book, good for you! Maybe it wasn’t what I expected to be that’s why I was giving it a 3/5 stars lol.

 

 

Hello!

You might be thinking I’m crushed and my spirit is in a really bad condition but I guess I don’t have the right to feel very lonely and sad despite the past events. With my aunt committing suicide, I am slowly accepting it and lamenting but prayers are giving me so much strength in facing this difficult time. Also, my father is very ill but he’s trying to be strong so I am with him all the way through prayers as well. I am trying to be very positive, I really am and I feel like I am doing a good job at it. So far I didn’t have any breakdowns and I didn’t have to ugly cry in front of people—that’s a good thing isn’t it?

Last Thursday, I went to Fullybooked (it is a book shop in the Philippines and there’s one near my office and it’s a huge one) I went there and bought a total of 5 books. It’s my “retail therapy” and I love it!

I started reading The Girl On The Train and so far it got me hooked that I am having a hard time trying to finish it. Part of me want to slow down a bit but part of me want to move faster to get me to the revelation already! Also, I feel like I really wanna find out what’s up but kinda don’t because by then the thrill is going to be over? Stuff like that! But whatever, I’ll be finishing the book today, I have like a few pages left. I wanted to finish it last night but I can’t, my eyes are too tired and I’m falling asleep between pages. Lol.

Do you know the “Wreck This Journal” journal? I’ll put a photo of it soon but it’s sort of a journal with instructions. The instructions are super ridiculous that it’s fun to do it! I am trying my best to be as creative as I should, BUT I THINK I AM FAILING DESPERATELY. So I checked a few pins on pinterest and got a bit of inspiration there. I can’t wait to do some for my journal and I’ll keep you guys posted!

Now, I’m thinking of sharing a bit of my mind about the books I’ve read. So from now on, I’ll be writing my own book reviews! There will be a segment here on my blog that would be for book reviews. I’m excited about these new things for my blog and I hope to share inputs and ideas with you all.

Today is Saturday and I will probably hangout with a few of Kyxarie’s friends (my friends also hehe) and have Ramen and a few drinks afterwards.

“Let today be filled with hope and love”

May Your Soul Find Eternal Rest

Where do I begin? Where do I start and how do I say goodbye? What should come first and what should come last? Okay. Breathe. Let’s give it a go.

At past 11 in the evening, I got a message from my Aunt A. and told me very quickly that my Aunt J. (my Godmother) died.

I was so shocked and I racked my brain trying to remember “was she sick?” I asked immediately what (the fuck) happened and my Aunt A. said that Aunt J. committed suicide. Hung herself inside the bathroom and died (a slow and probably very painful death) It was my Cousin N. who saw my Aunt J and called for help immediately. It was too late cause Aunt J probably died for hours already and there was nothing they can do. My Cousin N called Aunt A about it and that’s how we all found out.

My ill father needs to endure this painful death of his sister and I can’t even imagine how hard it is for my dad! Let alone how hard it is for my cousins left by my aunt and her husband!

I can’t put into words and can’t even imagine how everyone in our family (dad’s side of the family) is dealing with this. It would be the saddest Christmas.

I guess I’ll write down what I would want to tell my godmother.

Dearest Ninang J., The last time we saw each other was 5 years ago. It was a brief encounter since my friends and I just drove our random asses to Batangas and you were there with dad! I was so happy to see you. You were joking how I still look good despite being short. I was not chubby back then so you told me to keep that figure cause you know my mom’s genes included chubby genes lol.

Now that you’ve gone away, all our memories are coming back. You were the one responsible for all my big ribbons back when I was a child. You were the crafty aunt and you inspired me to do my own stuff with crafting. It was so fun to be your niece and goddaughter.

I want to ask you a lot of things, I want to tell you stuff but I guess I have not tried collecting my thoughts right now. My feelings are all over the place and all I can do is stay shocked as I have been last night.

I am a firm believer of God and I just pray, hope and pray that may the Lord God bless and have mercy on my aunt’s soul. Wherever you are, may you rest in peace. May you find the light, may the Lord forgive you and shower you with endless love.

May you find eternal rest.

How to deal with Suicide?

It is past 11pm here.

I planned out my day tomorrow and vowed that it will be a good day, that I will not let anything crazy ruin it.

I was about to sleep when my aunt sent me a message and told me that my other aunt commited suicide and is now gone.

Now how do I deal?

Would my day tomorrow be okay? Is it possible to even be okay?

How is this happening when it’s only a few weeks before Christmas? 😢

My Bad Day is A Good Day For Others

 

My bad day is a good day for others.. Speaking sort of metaphorically.

My day started so early and it hasn’t even hit the middle yet but I have grown tired, weary, angry, sad and all sorts of uncomfortable. I want to tell you guys that my feelings are solely based on what happened this morning, maybe I woke up at the wrong side of the bed, maybe my stress is piling up already and I just wasn’t able to deal with it fully? Whatever it is, I don’t know. I don’t know but this day has entirely been nothing but SHIT. A pile of SHIT that I don’t want to deal with if I have a choice. There’s no big problem as of the moment but there are a lot of little problems and it’s troubling me. My heart is pounding so hard on my chest, my stress is building up and I try to think of calmness but I can’t. I feel suffocated and there’s nothing I can do.

I work at a tall building, my office is on the 35th floor, we have a roof deck. What if I jump from the roof deck and all is over? What if I jump and people will just mourn and be sad for a moment. For years maybe, 2 to 3 years and all will be okay for them, like they will forget about me and they will try to remember the good stuff and memories about me? Will I burn in hell or will God forgive me? But then again jumping is too easy and cowardly to do. I say I accept more challenges cause I’d like to think I am strong enough for this hell hole of a world?

Going back, this is such a bad day. A really bad one. And I can’t even express physically my own thoughts and emotions, I want to cry so bad but no, I can’t cause the day has to go on and my feelings can suck it because adulting.

While reading this, you would think that maybe I have really big problems. I do have problems but I’m not in a crisis as of the moment. They’re all very little. Shallow even! But I can’t take it anymore because I have been dealing with a lot of things lately and a lot of people, as insensitive as they are would just live their lives like fucking maniacs not caring about other people’s lives. I’m done with these people. If only I can turn my back on them and leave them alone.

I am so angry inside but let me tell you this. I am cursing this day so much, I feel terrible and sick, my head is pounding but you know what? My best friend’s brother is getting married today and their whole clan is happy and celebrating! I realized that this bad day of mine is just a small bad day. Small and not even relevant as to nothing can equate some happiness like—finding the love of your life and marrying each other. This sounds so random but no, look.

I am contemplating my existence, my life and troubles but the world is still a better place mainly because at the other side of town, there are two lovers who decided to get married and be together for as long as they live. Isn’t that enough reason for me to be okay? To feel good? That somehow, even if it wasn’t me who is getting married today, it is still a good life?

I hope you get my point.

Now, I’m off to drink a cuppa cause I am still feeling terrible but now I feel sort of okay. Better than I was a while ago.

xox

Solace in my Solitude

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You would not believe how many times I have withdrawn myself without feeling like I needed to actually come out. I didn’t even pressured myself with “getting my shit together” this time because I know I will come around. I know there’s nothing wrong with me this time and I just really want to be free, alone, quiet; swimming in my own thoughts without other people.

The thing about introverts, the true blue introverts, is that often we are confused about why we are like this. We would sort of feel guilty sometimes knowing that we tend to shut our doors not understanding that this is really something introverts normally do. The thing about the internet is that they often write about just the surface, the general things about introverts and common misconception that honestly, no one would read about but introverts. I mean why is society like this? Not interested in understanding people. Not pulling the depths of the waters towards them for understanding? Why?

Let me write about the “ugly” stuff I have to deal within myself as an INFJ, a true introvert. The most introvert among all introverts.

  1. I sometimes do not want to talk to other people and if I do talk to them, especially when necessary, I feel so forced. I feel violated and drained. This is true and not even in the cute way. It’s like my mood will be affected for the rest of the day and I will be lashing out on myself with negative thoughts or worst, lashing out on Kyx. My life partner.
  2. I am not good at explaining myself, I only ever explain myself when I really really really need to (which is not very often) that’s why if there’s something wrong with me, I wouldn’t want to explain it to other people, instead I will go away and just let myself heal in time.
  3. If I have decided to withdraw and move away from people (who particularly did something to hurt my feelings) I will go away and stay away. There’s a huge chance I may not be coming back because there’s also a huge chance that I have given way too many chances. More than anyone could ever have given. So when I say goodbye, I do it quietly without explanations and that’s it!
  4. Even if you’re my friend, I am not good at talking over the phone. I feel like I can’t express myself or I can’t focus on listening so I prefer we talk over text, chat or email. I’m sorry and it’s nothing personal. I just. I just don’t do well with phones, that’s all.
  5. If I have given so many chances to people who keep doing shit over and over again but I can’t leave cause it’s a family member or someone I really can’t get away with then I will try my very best to avoid this person. No small talks, no interactions (as much as I can!) This is not me being unforgiving, this is me just wanting to not get hurt by the same person and not feeling betrayed by myself.
  6. I carefully choose my friends now. I usually trust my friends, I trust them with every fiber of my being but now, I have changed and this is not because they did something to me but because I am no longer comfortable sharing everything. It’s not because they wouldn’t listen but because most of the time, they are already burdened by what’s going on with their own lives that I don’t want to add up to it anymore. They also do not ask me if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m feeling off so I don’t find the need to talk to them about my feelings anymore.

This is why I found solace in my solitude. The whole month of November, I wrote and wrote and wrote. I read so many books and shopped for even more wanting to reread several ones I have read in my lifetime. I also painted as much as I could even if it’s not really aesthetically nice enough to post. I just really wanted to do stuff without the need to socialize. No, I am not an anti-social. No. I just really really need time off! I spend 6 days of my life (long hours) at work and I only have 1 day for myself, so I found the need to be with myself as much as I could! There were days of November that I need to come out of my shell and socialize and not because I want to do it but because I am sort of forced and guilty not to. It was really not a nice feeling for me and I wish I never experience that again. I hope extroverts and even other people in general, understand that introverts sometimes choose to be alone because they need to not because they hate people. I want to write so much more about introverts but I feel like I want it to be more personal hence I want my experiences to be in here that is connected with my introvert-isms lol.

If you are an introvert, let me know! I want to visit your blog and read about your days no matter how random or insightful it might be.

 

(photo not mine. Got it via google)

“They have always favoured the men of action instead of the men of contemplation”

“They have always favoured the men of action instead of the men of contemplation” I found this so true. More often than not people feel like it is more effective to have someone who will put action towards it and make things happen rather than listen to someone who will contemplate first with the pros and cons. I don’t feel angry about it (not anymore) but I feel like the world needs to know that introverts—men with contemplation are important and should be heard equally as the men of action are being heard.

I was listening to Susain Cain’s talk about this (over YouTube)—a link my friend sent me She’s also a fellow introvert but with a different personality type I think.

It was really something helpful especially for me—who is constantly looking for people who can get me, understand me and know what I feel when I feel something. I am thinking now “why didn’t I ever consider a personality type to actually know myself better?” I feel like I would’ve understood myself better even before had I taken this personality exam seriously with the belief I am acting the way I am because of my personality type. Anyway, right now I am so obsessed with the personality types that I kept reading about my own personality type and my friends’!! I feel like I will understood them better if I know their personality type. I asked them to take it and to tell me what they got so I could read about it.

If you want to know your personality type and want to read about it, you can take this personality test: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

You can also read a lot of other personality types there or like ask your family and friends to answer it so you can understand them better why they are the way they are. 🙂

I feel like my puzzle was sorted when I found out details about myself and got answers to the questions I have been asking myself for a while now. When my friends answered it and told me their results, I read about them and understood why they act like that. It feels so liberating! I finally found out why my friends are like this and that and I love them even more than I ever did! It was such a relief you know? I also get super excited knowing that there are other INFJs too (like I really know there are other INFJs but still) that approached me (over the internet) and even though it was just a bit of a conversation, I still feel so happy knowing that on the other side of the world, someone gets me the way others wouldn’t. Someone feels exactly what I would on certain occasions and it feels like someone loves the book I love and knowing that person and you know those are the kind of people you want to interact it without feeling like you’re pushing yourself to interact with anyone! My mind is all jumbled now and I feel like my thoughts are not really organized while writing this but I just really am glad!!

“I am an introvert, I am proud of it and I love it!”

To The Ones Who Can’t and Don’t Understand Me

hibernateWow, this is the first time (I think) that I will be writing this, addressing my friends and a lot of other people very dear and close to my heart.

Sometimes (or most of the time) (some) of my high school friends would think I’m annoying, maybe because I can be really talkative and needy at times. This is because—I guess, I have saved all my energy just to spend it on them and not on other people but I figured maybe I was not able to control it that’s why they found me annoying when I blabber. I figured it was not something I should feel bad about but hear me out, the talkative me was the one who saved all my energy for you. LOL.

Okay now let’s try this without being wayyyy toooo personal.

I have known since I was in college that I am an introvert trying to be an extrovert. I never succeeded though because my innate needs and desires are of an introvert and I can’t really change that. Contrary to popular belief, introverts are confident, decisive and friendly. Not the friendly type to deal with small talk but friendly enough to understand people (I guess). When people hear the word introvert, they automatically think that you’re anti-social, shy, quiet, timid etc. That’s not even half true! Introverts are confident enough that they don’t need to freaking socialize everytime just to feel happy and satisfied. Let me list down the things I do that maybe some introverts can relate to:

  1. I LOVE BOOKS. Not in the “I love books cause it makes me look cute” type but because I seriously love books. I love reading and I love getting lost in a different world without anyone trying to bug me.
  2. My tea time, though spent alone is very relaxing, comforting and satisfying. Tea time could be fun with friends, I like doing it with them sometimes but most of the time, quiet tea time is my go-to activity when I feel exhausted.
  3. I love people and figuring them out is like a case I love doing but I prefer staying with the not-so-loud ones. My friends are extroverted and it’s all good. I just don’t like noisy people like you can be noisy but not like all the freaking time.
  4. I prefer writing. In all aspects. I blog to put my word out there, I write for a living (I’m a copywriter), I am most comfortable talking via email, chat etc. cause it’s less exhausting but I really like talking with my friends and a few people with meaningful insights and stuff to share. I communicate very well through writing cause my words seems to be more comforting than when I speak them.
  5. I can do things alone, on my own and I am comfortable with it. If there’s no one to accompany me on doing something, I am fine doing stuff alone and find myself liking it! So when you see me alone, don’t pity me cause I probably chose to be alone anyway.
  6. I put so much effort on people I love and care about. I go above and beyond and I will not allow myself to fail in telling them how much they mean to me but when someone important to me did me wrong for hundreds of times and I can’t tolerate it anymore, I can shut my door without even feeling bad or bothered about it.
  7. When I feel off or when someone hurt my feelings in a deeper level, I choose to just shun away without a word. Idk if it’s something I should be worried about but this is a trait I have developed ever since I started realizing my worth. I mean, as long as I can, I will try to avoid any confrontations. I would rather just go away without a trace than to confront someone who did me wrong.

So far, these are the ones on my mind and I shall write more about it when I finished gathering my thoughts 😀

If you are an INFJ, an Introvert do hit me up and tell me what’s on your mind. I love meeting new people especially those who are kind of like me and gets me.

🙂

(Featured image is not mine. Got it via Google)

INFJ (and loving it)

Recently, I found out that I have a personality type called INFJ. According to research and what was written everywhere about the INFJs is that—INFJs are the rarest personality types. I read a lot about it and followed INFJ blogs to learn more about myself and every time I read something that rings true to me, I feel like I love myself even more than I ever did! It’s a great feeling to finally understand yourself ya know? It’s like everything seems to be falling into place slowly but surely.

Now, a little randomness is something I wouldn’t get over with so I want to tell you guys that I had a haircut HAHAHA. My hair is not shoulder length and it had been way too long since I had a shorter hair, I usually have long hair and now this change is cool and I’m liking it so far!

Okay, so going back. I thought I was just battling with OCD + Anxiety but then, I am an INFJ so I figured maybe I am not at all a severely anxious person when it comes to socializing but I am just me—an INFJ!

This explains why:

  1. After socializing with my lifelong friends, I need a month or so to recharge! I need to be alone for a while; I need to withdraw because I don’t have a lot of energy anymore to deal with socializing.
  2. I love alone time. I love just being quiet with my own thoughts (my thoughts are never quiet but still) I find solace in my lonesome. I prefer to (most of the time) talk over the internet, talk through email, text, chat but not ON THE PHONE.
  3. I like planning things out because I get really anxious when plans change last minute. I feel like I need time to settle and come through with the new plan, sit down, relax before grasping that it is okay, it’s going to be okay.
  4. I take time to gather my thoughts not because my brain processes info slowly but because I tend to make sure I don’t say anything offending.
  5. I am very SENSITIVE. I don’t talk much but I get so sensitive, I feel bad that’s why I need to withdraw to society just so I could protect my feelings, my emotions.
  6. Though I am close to several talkative people, it sorts of exhausts me to be surrounded by A LOT OF TALKATIVE PEOPLE. I can be talkative sometimes but those are rare moments of my life.
  7. Reading, painting and writing are the best activities to keep me really happy and fulfilled.
  8. It’s not like I’m a total anti-social. I just really get tired dealing with everyone all at the same time.
  9. I like conversations, I can keep it going on and on but for selected people only. I am not good with small talk, I’m terrified of it to be honest.
  10. I am really friendly but it takes so much time. I don’t start with a conversation when I’m interested but I sort of test the waters first.

Right now, I am reading a lot about experiences of fellow INFJs and their blogs. This is so cool. I finally know where I actually belong!