Why it took me that long to gain new friends
Why It Tooke Me That Long To Gain New Friends
I don’t even know the exact answer but now that I’m changing for the better, then let’s talk about my actions, my decisions and why I was the way I was before.
I was about 23 turning 24 and finally, adulting is sinking in. I wasn’t ready! No one was ever ready for adulating I guess. Because when it hits you, it hits you hard and there’s no running away from it! Cool right? Lol. So I was 23 and I am trying to find my way to the goal I was trying to set. I wasn’t even sure what goal but I knew I wouldn’t wanna be stuck somewhere.
To give you a glimpse of my 23 year old self, I was really in a bad place (I didn’t know then but I realized now that I was in an ugly place). I like my job but I know deep inside that it is not what I wanted. I am looking for something more. I like my friends, my colleagues, everyone! I liked them all but I didn’t like myself. I felt stuck. I was in a bad relationship (no offense). Everything seems to be caving in on me and I can’t breathe. I was suffocated with pressure and senselessness. In short, I was stuck in a ditch no one ever knew about. I feel like I am running in circles and I got so confused and lost that I had to get out of my “comfort” zone in order to progress in the hopes of liking myself more than I ever did.
So I took a step forward. I risked everything on the line even when I didn’t know where to go! I got out of the bad relationship I was in (for the longest time omfg what a relief!) then I left my job too not because I hated it so much but because I needed to leave every single thing that is holding me back. I left everything to find myself and that’s a big step!
On my way to my 24th, I tried a lot of different things and found my other half—this time I was in a good relationship cause I found Kyx and he found me. Everything is slowly falling into place but I was not sure about myself, I guess this is what happens when you get stuck somewhere for so long that you forgot to embrace changes, you forgot how to take chances and you forgot to accept challenges.
Despite the good things, I was still not in a better place with myself. I look okay on the outside but I have a war of my own on the inside (which I am struggling to fight back then). Come January, I took another step forward and found a job that I wanted. At this point, I was still confused and I have been dealing with A LOT OF THINGS which are crazy to talk about.
I was insanely sensitive and it felt like everything is new to me. I was testing the waters that surrounded me. I was looking out for myself in order to avoid more confusion, unnecessary arguments and whatnot. I hated myself more, I loathed a lot of people and I didn’t like company. I talked less and smiled less. I was so serious about life and it made me feel sick inside. But life goes on and I don’t have an excuse to bail out. I can’t let y guard down but I cannot NOT adjust as well which is terrible!
With my OCD to battle with, my anxiety to deal with, it felt too much! I know not everyone would understand so I spared them this information. I spared them the trouble of having to deal with a person who has anxiety and OCD. I’d like to think I was doing that for the better but when it came to me, I only got worst. It was so bad that I didn’t have any new friends. I rarely even talked to my friends and I surrounded myself with invisible walls and barriers from everyone. I didn’t give people chances cause I was scared they’d bail out on me.
I didn’t know exactly what transpired but in a flick, when I turned 25, I thought of a better lifestyle! It included trying to love myself better. It included liking myself and accepting myself for who I am with all my flaws and doubts. When I did that I opened the doors I didn’t knew existed for a long time and started making friends.
For the people who knew me for a long time. They would say I am jolly and friendly. They would say I am loud and filled with energy but my office mates would say another thing. They never heard my voice, I didn’t talk to anyone. I liked eating alone and I would even wait for everyone to finish eating before I would go on lunch break! That’s how I was (about 7 or 8 months ago!) but it all changed when I started to like myself better!
I guess I was too scared to love myself more and that hindered me from a lot of beautiful things!
Now, as I’d like to say, I am in a better place than I was and I am amazed with the changes I made. I didn’t even force it to happen it all came naturally!
It was not hard for me to accept the love other people show me, I finally felt worthy of what I have. I felt good about myself and I do not question my existence any more!
I guess what I’m getting at is if you feel like you’re hopeless and that you’re in a bad place, do not lose hope. Acknowledge everything and take time to feel. Take time to know yourself more, take time to appreciate more, give credit to yourself because you deserve it. Do not wait for other people’s approval; do not rely on other people’s fondness of you. You ought to like yourself better than you do and you owe it to yourself. You deserve to love yourself more than you did before and once it happens, everything else will fall into place.