I don’t have a lot, But I have…

How to have a strong heart amidst all the jealousy and insecurity? How to feel good even if things are chaotic, how to still feel blessed even if you feel alone, down and empty? How to be happy for someone you are jealous of?

Start with yourself. Focus on your blessings. Focus on your capabilities, abilities, what you have—people wise; family and friends.

There were times when I would ask myself why am I trapped in my kind of life, this life that I have—why am I here? Why am I experiencing this and the others are not, why am I in this point in life wherein everything I do doesn’t seem to be enough? And it hit me.

It hit me again and again and again until I realize what I keep realizing every now and then. Whenever I question myself, I would realize it and I would feel better. I hope to feel better once and for all and be over and done with soon. I hope. I pray.

I may not have all the riches in the world, all the money that I need…

  1. But I have a job that pays me every month which I can use to support me and my family.
  2. But I have a fulfilling job that at the end of the day, I feel important, wanted and needed. I grow in my work and it doesn’t feel too stressing than other jobs because for once, I have a job that I actually like what I’m doing.
  3. But I have parents who are alive, looks after me, takes care of me, who’s there for me, who I can rely on in times of need, who will always be proud of me no matter what. Who I can give back to when the time comes that I become a successful individual right before their eyes and they will look at me and tell me they’re proud of me.
  4. But I have a partner who is there for me no matter how many meltdowns I have, how many tantrums I throw, how many arguments and fight I ignite. Someone who understands me and helps me get through everything. Someone who’s there whenever I need a friend. Someone who will never judge me despite everything. Someone who loves me unconditionally.
  5. But I have friends, real friends, true friends that will always support me, be there for me no matter what the odds may bring. Someone who still shares the same random memories I find amusing. Who accepts me for who I am, for what I have become.
  6. But I have my family who keeps me going, strengthening me day in and day out. Brothers and sisters who keep inspiring me to be a better person.
  7. But I have good in laws who treats me like their own. Considers my emotions, my feelings and my time. Takes care of me and accepts me for who I am.
  8. But I have cousins who are my first best friends. The ones who know me inside out and won’t judge me all evil and demons out.
  9. But I have my best friends who will laugh and cry with me while adulating eats us up, who will share with me good old and refreshing new memories.
  10. But I have a God who never fails to bless me, to provide for me and make me realize that our time on earth is very limited so we always need to make the most out of every day.

Everything I have written, 1-10 keeps me going. Keeps me alive and keeps me feeling blessed beyond belief! No amount of money or riches can ever replace the people in my life. Not even hundreds of thousands or millions of pesos, bricks and bars of gold, bags filled with gems and diamonds will ever replace them and so I am grateful they exist. I am grateful I have them.

Being Kind is More Fulfilling Than Being Mean

Giving people the taste of their own medicine doesn’t seem to feel satisfying or fulfilling compared to when you return a bad mood or lashing out with kindness.

A lot of people have said that you must give people what they deserve. You must be mean when they are, rude when they are, bad when they are but that doesn’t lead to something good. It only results to a burdened angry soul which in the first place, the culprit would be yourself. No other than yourself because you put yourself in that situation. You also wouldn’t be getting something from being equally mean to someone who was mean to you, you’re only breeding a sad soul inside you which is not very healthy.

I already have been to that kind of stress. I have given people the taste of their own medicine and I thought it would make me feel okay after being bitched out on. I thought I would feel better when someone lashed out on me and I returned the same lashing out. It didn’t make me feel good about myself. Instead, it made me feel terrible! I felt like a horrible person but I still ended up doing it and not caring at all. I tried it because I was avoiding getting hurt but all it ever did to me was get angrier and lonely and selfish.

When I tried to be kind even when people are not, it was hard. I always felt the need to equally be mean to them as they were to me but I tried to control myself. The thing in my mind was I wouldn’t get anything from being mean, I wouldn’t be happier, there’s nothing better in it for me and I might as well do myself a favour and be kind when they aren’t. It was a struggle at the beginning but when I kept doing that, I sort of got used to it! I didn’t even notice that I’m putting effort; it’s coming all naturally compared to how I was before.

Being kind, patient, good natured, free spirited does not only make you happy. It also make people less mean! I can’t say that this method will work on everyone, most of the time when someone is mean to you and you gave kindness back even after a bitching out from the other person happened, they will not realize it at first that what you did was really good. They will think you’re annoying and weak, but let them think whatever the heck they want to think because at the end of the day, your conscience is clean and you showed someone that giving kindness is not so hard and so they will be kinder to anyone they encounter just because they experienced a certain kindness no one has ever given them (especially when they bitch out). So you see, you’re not putting your pride and principles at a low level. You’re being a better person for yourself free from guilt, stress and burdens.

The next time you encounter someone and they were mean to you, do not be mean to them. Be patient, maybe that person is going through something. Try to be more understanding and give that person kindness because that’s probably what they need rather than someone who would lash out on them.

When You Push People Away

There was a time in my life wherein whenever I read something positive, something nice, some teaching or bright story of sorts, I cringe and I roll my eyes. Now I feel terrible because it only meant that I closed my heart, mind and soul for the longest time and I felt like I have missed out on a lot of good things. Now, I feel like I have wasted so many emotions, cried unnecessary tears because I was too focused on myself. I was so focused on my own emotions and what was lacking. I felt like I did nothing but expected wayyy too much from everyone which hurt me so badly, blaming them deep inside and thinking about how some people can be selfish when in fact I was being selfish myself! I get hurt too easily and in order for me to protect myself from these things, I put up high walls, strong ones and even cold at times. I could go all day without talking to someone because and I felt okay with it. In fact, I was happy! Or so I thought? To be honest, I was really quite comfortable with my lonesome self. I loved being quiet, I loved my own company and I didn’t need anyone to make me feel good about myself. But come to think of it, though it gave me some space, it didn’t give me the calmness I wanted, I wasn’t peaceful. It only made me more judgmental, more sensitive than I already am and more annoyed with everything than I used to. It was so bad and at first, I didn’t even notice it. It went on for a long time until I figured it wasn’t making me a better person plus it’s more stressful and it’s making me unhappy every day.

Now take time and look at this. You find yourself brooding over a lot of things that you don’t notice there are actually great times you missed, precious moments you took for granted and the chance to be happier—was thrown out somewhere. When you brood over things, you don’t get to appreciate your blessings. You are so uptight while you hide in your own walls and it’s not doing you any good.

Everyone that I know who tried putting up walls, forgetting people, being unforgiving, being moody, neglecting the advice and presence of people who actually care, lash out on people who only thinks what’s best for them—you think you’re brave, you think you’re doing what’s best for you but no. You’re not doing yourself a favour and you’re only choosing the path to an unhappy life. You think that letting go of everyone who might hurt you is actually for the better when in fact you’re not giving yourself the chance to accept things, move on, forgive and be a better person.

I’m not saying that you should not let go of the people who are hurting you, it’s also a good thing to at least move on with your life without the toxic people who only bring you down. However, choose the genuine ones. Give yourself a chance, give others a chance to be a better person to you. When you forgive and try to understand people despite how they treat you, you are giving yourself the opportunity to mature and grow as an amazing individual. When you tend to push people away, you’re probably doing what you think is best but is it actually the best way? Some things do not need to end like that, some things are not meant to be taken in the easy road. Some things are meant to happen, some challenges are bound to induce excruciating pain but when you take the right and hard long road, that’s going to give you the best lesson, best reward and most fulfilling feeling ever. Give yourself a chance to understand, to be more patient and to care. Because you’re only going to regret these things when you grow old and alone, friendless—because you pushed people away when you shouldn’t have. Don’t give yourself more things to regret, enjoy everything, and appreciate everyone.

Feeling Stressed, Look At How You Are Truly Blessed!

As much as I’d like to keep the details to myself, I couldn’t compromise the quality and meat of this story.

Okay, to be clear though, I am not writing this to slam it to the face of other people, feel good about myself, shame other people, be arrogant etc. This is just so I could share with you, enlighten and make you feel okay even when the worst things happen.

At the age of 25, I have the job I wanted. Although I want to be a novel writer or author, I’d rather take baby steps and work as a copywriter. Every day, I twist and squish my mind to the extent of my creativity just so I could deliver excellent copy and nope, I am not complaining. Just giving you a background of things. So going back, at this age I am working a job I want, I get paid fairly (I’d like to think that) and I enjoy the company of my colleagues and my boss.

At the age of 25, I try as best as I can to give financial help to my mom. We are a middle class family. We don’t struggle as much as others do but our life isn’t a fantasy or something you would want to dream about. We work hard for things and we can’t just do whatever we want because we always need to stick to the tight budget we have. I guess I can say we live comfortably but only because we are not living a lavish lifestyle and that’s okay. There are places we can’t go because we don’t have the money to spend so much on luxury. We can’t buy items or stuff we want because we’d rather buy the ones we need.

At the age of 25, I sometimes feel like I wish to spend time on things I’d like to do without thinking if I have been spending above my budget, I want to be care free! But I can’t.

I cried a couple of times about a couple of dumb stuff over and over and over again only to realize that I’m crying over bull.

I thought about my friends who were able to just keep their salaries to themselves. Who were able to buy whatever the heck they want, those who can save up for the things they want to buy instead of putting what’s important first. Those who can party it up whenever, wherever because they are not on a tight budget. All these dumb stuff and wishing I could live that kind of life.

At the age of 25, I then realized that maybe I can live the way I want but not right now. Given my priorities and how much I need to help my family. I realized that I was being so stressed out about the wrong things and that I am so much more blessed than I can think of! That there’s more to my life than I can see. That I am being a good daughter to my mom and a good sister to my little sis. I realized that my life is a lot more meaningful and fulfilling than I look at it. In short, there are a lot of things I should feel blessed about, that I don’t even have the slightest right to be stressed out because my life is splendid and my life is wonderful, just as wonderful as everyone else’s life!

I felt guilty with how I tried to question my purpose and existence. I felt guilty because I felt sorta bad with the sacrifices I made. The sacrifices I am making is for the good of all and I shouldn’t feel bad or stressed out. If I do it with love, I will never feel stressed or lonely about it anymore. Because in this life, the most wonderful thing you can when you’re feeling stressed, burned out and tired is to think of how blessed you truly are.

We May Not Have What We Want, But We Have Everything We Need

Happy happy Monday!

Today is the day that the Lord has made to make me realize things, to be grateful of what I have and to look at my blessings as treasures from God above! Woo!

Okay, let’s not make this sound like I’m preaching about a gospel or something (not that there’s anything wrong with it but)

Last night, I was talking to Kyx about small stuff, when I say small stuff I meant we were talking about plans, material things we plan on buying and places we ought to visit. I figured we are surrounded by people we love who already experienced a lot of things that we haven’t, bought the things we haven’t even started saving up for, went to places we have not visited and I got a little sad. It’s nothing major and not sad like sulking-bratty-I-want-it-now kind of sad, just a little sad. But then something came to my mind and uplifted me. I realized that I have a lot of things I should be thankful for than focusing on my little sadness. Plus, material things are very easy to buy.

  1. I realized how lucky I am have to have my mom. No one in this entire world can replace my mom and I love her so much. She is my first ever best friend and she stuck with me through thick and thin and I guess that’s really something I should be thankful for! Everyone has a unique mom, everyone is grateful for their moms and everyone seems to have a perfect mom of their own. I am just glad that my mom is my mom and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in this world. No amount of money, no places to visit and no gadget can ever top my mom’s existence.
  2. I have amazing set of friends. Not perfect individuals but perfect for me. My friends and I may not have all the time in the world to be together not to mention the busy schedules we are all in. However, I am very very grateful to these people because then I realized not everyone is blessed with amazing, caring, loving, thoughtful and understanding people in this world. Most especially my friends ever since I was little! I can’t imagine life without them omg.
  3. My life partner (whenever I say “life partner” I cringe a little idk why, but he’s more than just a “boyfriend” anyway) Kyx is the most awesome guy in the world, I feel like he was created perfectly for me. I mean he is not perfect okay and we fight sometimes (oh you have no idea) but he’s the one who even led me to this whole positive and happy heart thing that I cannot even thank him enough! He understands me, tolerates me but makes sure I am not cruella de ville to anybody. He’s great at being who he is and we may be opposites but no other guy in my lifetime (I am talking about my life + guy timeline if ya know what I mean) can top how much he means to me.

All of that are just bits and pieces of what I am grateful for because I am indeed very much grateful about everything that I have. Even the bad times and cruel people I encounter, even the people who are fake with me, even the ones who do not like me. I am thankful because I wouldn’t be able to appreciate what I have if it wasn’t for those things (and people) right?

In a nutshell, there are a lot of things we want, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget to appreciate what we have. Sometimes, what we have is what we truly need and we just don’t know or understand it at that time. It may be a cliché to hear about the want vs need mantra but that is reality. We may not always have what we want but we sure do have everything that we need. So be grateful and appreciate everything that comes your way because everything we have, good and bad, are all blessings!

“I Don’t Care A Lot Anymore”

I hope I don’t sound too condescending and arrogant with what I’m about to write today so let’s give it a try.

Since I tried my “journey to a happy heart” there were a few road blocks and a lot of wrong turns which led me to crazier paths but I sure did find my way anyway. So the first few months of my journey, I became someone who didn’t give a fuck. There’s a thin line between “I don’t give a fuck” and “I don’t care so much anymore (in a good way)” in case you don’t know.

The “I don’t give a fuck” attitude

  • It’s simply not caring because finally, you have found your feelings more important than others and for once in your life you know how to take care of your own damn emotions than before. Finally you thought of yourself first before considering other people’s way of life, thinking and opinion. At last you are in that state wherein you don’t care if people will feel bad as long as you do your thing, you’re happy and no one can take that away from you.

The “I don’t care so much anymore (in a good way)” attitude

  • This is when you found your way to healing recurring wounds in the past. The forgiving side of you is present and you’re way more happier. You think of other people’s feelings and you care about them however you don’t divulge into negative situations. You let things fly by when you can and you let go of things easily. You don’t hold a lot of emotions and you finally learned the true meaning of self-worth without offending anybody.

Those 2 may look the same for some time but both are very different from each other. Forgive me if I don’t know how else to put it out there! Gahhh. Well my case is I think, both works incredibly but if you want to be happy, the latter does fantastic magic in the complete turnaround of your spiritual detox.

I have been to the first attitude because I got fed up with everything and everyone. I felt so bad for myself that I turned into a cold hearted human and it was not me. I didn’t know myself (in a bad way) and I thought it would make me happier but it only made me feel worse. It made me look like a bad person and I was not feeling good about whatever I did having an attitude like that. So when I learned about the second attitude, I figured it would be better for me. Perhaps God has his timing and that timing is perfect. Because it started when I got so busy with work!

I was always tired and I didn’t have a lot of time to entertain my feelings. It’s not in a bad way so don’t worry about it. I just felt like there is more to life, there are a lot of priorities and responsibilities I need to cover than dwelling on my emotions. I realized as well that when you get over emotional, you overreact and it seems selfish because then, all you care about is your feelings and how you got hurt by people and situations. Compared to when you don’t focus on your emotions too much, you get to see the good  side of things and you feel more peaceful. You still care but not so much (in a good way, again.)

I’m not saying that not caring is very good. You just have to know how and when to use it. You must remember that you’re doing this because you want inner peace and true happiness. You’re not doing this to show people how mighty of a person you are, you’re doing this so you can finally make peace with yourself by not caring so much about how people treat you because at the end of the day, it all comes down to how you handle situations whether good or bad and not  how people treated you.

Understanding Other People’s Lifestyle (financial edition)

When it comes to lifestyle, you automatically think everyone else close to you has the same lifestyle. It’s like you look at it by default and you don’t try to understand where that person is coming from.

It could be quite challenging but as you grow older, you would realize how vast and majorly different other people live compared to you.

I couldn’t give you a sneak peak on other people’s lifestyle but I’ll talk about mine just so you would know if you have the same or if yours differ.

On money, here’s how it is for me.

  1. Every centavo, every peso I spend, I count.
  2. I don’t buy new clothes whenever I see that it would look good on me or if it’s pretty or I just am on retail therapy. No.
  3. I don’t buy shoes. I only buy shoes when my one and only shoe is worn out or unless I really need a pair.
  4. I don’t spend a lot of money on food, I think coffee that ranges from 100 peso and above IS WAY BEYOND EXPENSIVE.
  5. I can’t always go out when my friends want to “hangout”, eat dinner or have wine.

This is because I work hard for the money I earn. I think everyone does too but the only difference is that I don’t work and earn just for myself. I don’t earn a lot from writing but I earn enough to make my life as comfortable as I can. I earn enough to pay my bills and give a portion of my earning to my mom. For people who work and are 20 somethings, some of them just work and earn for themselves, for their leisure but one must understand that not everyone is like that. I support my sister and my mom as best as I could, I know I don’t give much but I give everything that I could even if it means I don’t get to have new clothes and shoes. Some people may look at me and talk behind my back that I wear the same clothes over and over again, that I only have 2 weeks worth of office clothes and I do not mix and match a lot, it’s because my money is not for clothes and shoes and other glamorous stuff. I’d rather save it for my sister’s allowance. Some people may look at my shoes and think that my flats are all worn out, yes it is and there’s no denying but I’d rather have one pair of shoes than have hundreds while my sister and mom eat so little? Right?

You see we have different priorities in life and I am glad you guys don’t experience “struggle” like others do, but I can sleep very well at night knowing how much I have helped other people, how I didn’t think about myself for once because you may have everything you need and want, but some things are just fulfilling even if it means you don’t get to buy new things for yourself.
I don’t spend a lot on myself because I would rather be able to give some financial help to my family than “living life to the fullest” by spending way too much.

I’m not against people who spend so much on themselves, I guess what I’m pointing out is try to understand other people’s way of living before complaining how stingy and cheapskate they are 😉

How To Be Truly Happy

Being happy, understanding and avoiding judging other people very easily does not happen in a flash. It does not work like fucking magic wherein you get to be a better person immediately. Like I said, it is a slow process that you have to go through in order to be genuinely and sincerely happy and at peace. I guess I can lay out a couple of tips that have worked for me personally and I hope this helps!

It is important to start choosing happiness as early as now because when you get older and you’ve been grumpy your whole life, it’s more likely to poison you and kill you inside.

Finding happiness is the very key in how you would be able to live a peaceful and contented life. I’m not saying that I am a pro on this one (cause surely, I’ve got my whole life to learn this genuine happiness) but it really worked well for me and I hope this goes on forever.

  1. Look at yourself mentally, emotionally, physically. Touch your heart and innermost feelings. Learn to understand your soul before your desires. Look at yourself as someone who you wouldn’t judge. Because you know what, news flash—you judge yourself more than you think, you judge yourself more than others ever do and that’s basically the first step you need to look at and improve on. While it’s important to know your flaws, imperfections and inabilities, it is also equally important to accept yourself as you are. You can improve on and work on the things you can about yourself and accept the things you cannot change. This part is very important, because once you learn stuff about yourself, you will learn to love and understand who you really are.
  2. We criticize others but we do criticize ourselves more. We have a lot of standards, we put ourselves under pressure not knowing it is such a burden. With this, we do not show love and car for ourselves because we think other people’s view of us is more important when in reality, no one really cares whether you look good or bad because trust me, it’s always what’s on the inside that is important.
  3. Try to love yourself a little more each day. I have written this I think on my last post and it is true. You have to love yourself before you can fully give yourself to other people. Before you can understand other people, you have to understand yourself. When you learn to understand yourself, you love it even better and when that finally happens, you understand and love other people for themselves as well despite their shortcomings.
  4. Let go of the things you can’t control. We often think we can control everything we put our focus on, but in reality, nothing is really controllable. Even your feelings are not controllable! So in short, you have to let go of everything. When you do, you start accepting it under of course, certain circumstances. And when you accept it, you don’t get too freaked out! I’m not saying you have to go with the flow all the freaking time, all I’m saying is learn when to hold on, learn when to let go. It’s really simple but we tend to complicate it not knowing it’s destroying us.
  5. Stop pushing people away. Pushing people away shows how weak you are. Not that it’s important to show a brave face. I’m talking about mental and emotional strength. When you push people away, you tend to be insensitive and selfish but in the process, you think you’re doing them a favour and that they owe you for it. Nope. No one owes you that. When you push people away, you feel more stressed, guilty and angry. You don’t let other people comfort you which is arrogance for the most part, but completely insensitive. Don’t you realize that people try to help you not because they HAVE to but because they WANT to? They choose to join you in your struggle to at least make you feel okay. But when you push them away, who loses people that cares and loves you?

Not everyone is sailing the same boat. Not everyone could understand this and not everyone would handle things the same way as others do. But this is something general, something that you can help yourself with. Because you know what, at the end of the day, no one can truly help you but yourself. I’m not saying that no one gives the right help but it’s always going to be up to that individual whether to accept the help or not, so it’s only yourself you could listen to and at least try to listen to the good part. Do not let your own demons eat you up, do not let it mess with your beautiful soul because you deserve to be happy and one way to be happy is to learn how to do these 5 simple steps haha (at least for me)

I was in a bad place and I learned how to get out, you too can do that!

Let me know if this helps! If you have any questions, comment below or email me. I would be very glad to help ❤

Email: xoxaltheac@gmail.com

Twitter/instagram: xoxthea


Things I Have Learned Now That I’m In A Happy Relationship

There are things we don’t even notice that we learn when we are in a relationship. Especially if the relationship is a healthy one!

When I was in a bad place, I was filled with doubts. Not only doubting myself but everyone. Even the people I love and care about the most, even my most trusted family and friends. I was drowning with doubts and I felt like I was blinded by sadness and whatnot. So when I was doubting myself and everyone around me, I doubted my partner’s genuine and sincere love.

Whenever we have happy moments, I would laugh and smile but at the back of my head I was thinking “until when would these happy moments last?” I would go on and on and on about it and I will make it a point every time we fight, that he will get fed up and leave me. He then would tell me how that is such a lie and it’s all in my head and that he will never do that to me. I will keep arguing until I get back to my senses It went on for 2 years and never did Kyx leave me alone. Even when I kept doubting him, he stayed and instead of getting fed up, he embraced my accusations wholeheartedly while trying to comfort me every time I threw a tantrum. Now that I was finally out of that cruel “bad place” I have been, I saw the good side and was ashamed of how I was before.

I learned that when you are in a healthy relationship, you must continue to have faith in your man. You must establish your faith in both of you for a healthier and stronger foundation. But how do you do that?

You start doing it when you are at peace with yourself.

When you love yourself more than ever.

When you feel worthy of the good things.

Because truth is, you must love yourself before you could accept anyone else’s love. You must embrace everything about you in order to feel. You must know your worth in order to truly accept whatever people give you. And that’s exactly what I did and then I learned so much about my man in the process.

  1. Being in a healthy relationship, you can show your genuine self and you shouldn’t feel bad about it because your partner would accept you for who you are. If he doesn’t accept you, then it isn’t a healthy relationship.
  2. If there’s anyone else who knows exactly what your flaws and imperfections are, that is your man. He gladly accepts it and you must not feel guilty about it. Instead, try to be a better version of yourself and see how it goes for the both of you.
  3. It feels so wonderful and amazing when the love you give is reciprocated by that one person whom you chose to be with. It’s stress-free in a sense wherein you don’t have to think too hard on how to please your partner because at the end of the day, you both love each other and that’s the only thing that matters.
  4. Once in a healthy relationship, you will understand your worth and that’s very important.
  5. We’ve all encountered douchebags along the way but once you got into a healthy relationship, you will learn to give back the trust that was once lost. You are able to have faith in the people and not conclude a possible failure or disappointment.

I was listening to a song last night, one of “our songs” (Kyx and I) called Still Into You and it hit me once and for all. If you have not listened to it yet, check it out on YouTube (It’s a song by Paramore; Ashley Tisdale and Christopher French did a cover which was really beautiful too) so yeah, while I was listening, the moments Ky and I spent for the last 2 years played back in my head and while I was traveling back in time I have realized that Kyx played a huge part in my “journey to a happy heart” and I am very grateful for that, for him!

He never left even though there were countless of times that I have pushed him away. I seriously pushed Kyx away way too many times and look where he is right now? He’s still with me. He never left.

I doubted him for a couple of hundreds of times and what did he do? He assured me he is never going to leave and hurt me.

I doubted his intentions, his love and got mad for the wrong reasons but what did I get in return? He showed me more love than ever. He made sure I felt his presence in my darkest times and he never made me feel unworthy and undeserving. He was there through and through and that’s something I should be very grateful for.

Why It Took Me That Long To Gain New Friends

Why it took me that long to gain new friends

Why It Tooke Me That Long To Gain New Friends

I don’t even know the exact answer but now that I’m changing for the better, then let’s talk about my actions, my decisions and why I was the way I was before.

I was about 23 turning 24 and finally, adulting is sinking in. I wasn’t ready! No one was ever ready for adulating I guess. Because when it hits you, it hits you hard and there’s no running away from it! Cool right? Lol. So I was 23 and I am trying to find my way to the goal I was trying to set. I wasn’t even sure what goal but I knew I wouldn’t wanna be stuck somewhere.

To give you a glimpse of my 23 year old self, I was really in a bad place (I didn’t know then but I realized now that I was in an ugly place). I like my job but I know deep inside that it is not what I wanted. I am looking for something more. I like my friends, my colleagues, everyone! I liked them all but I didn’t like myself. I felt stuck. I was in a bad relationship (no offense). Everything seems to be caving in on me and I can’t breathe. I was suffocated with pressure and senselessness. In short, I was stuck in a ditch no one ever knew about. I feel like I am running in circles and I got so confused and lost that I had to get out of my “comfort” zone in order to progress in the hopes of liking myself more than I ever did.

So I took a step forward. I risked everything on the line even when I didn’t know where to go! I got out of the bad relationship I was in (for the longest time omfg what a relief!) then I left my job too not because I hated it so much but because I needed to leave every single thing that is holding me back. I left everything to find myself and that’s a big step!

On my way to my 24th, I tried a lot of different things and found my other half—this time I was in a good relationship cause I found Kyx and he found me. Everything is slowly falling into place but I was not sure about myself, I guess this is what happens when you get stuck somewhere for so long that you forgot to embrace changes, you forgot how to take chances and you forgot to accept challenges.

Despite the good things, I was still not in a better place with myself. I look okay on the outside but I have a war of my own on the inside (which I am struggling to fight back then). Come January, I took another step forward and found a job that I wanted. At this point, I was still confused and I have been dealing with A LOT OF THINGS which are crazy to talk about.

I was insanely sensitive and it felt like everything is new to me. I was testing the waters that surrounded me. I was looking out for myself in order to avoid more confusion, unnecessary arguments and whatnot. I hated myself more, I loathed a lot of people and I didn’t like company. I talked less and smiled less. I was so serious about life and it made me feel sick inside. But life goes on and I don’t have an excuse to bail out. I can’t let y guard down but I cannot NOT adjust as well which is terrible!

With my OCD to battle with, my anxiety to deal with, it felt too much! I know not everyone would understand so I spared them this information. I spared them the trouble of having to deal with a person who has anxiety and OCD. I’d like to think I was doing that for the better but when it came to me, I only got worst. It was so bad that I didn’t have any new friends. I rarely even talked to my friends and I surrounded myself with invisible walls and barriers from everyone. I didn’t give people chances cause I was scared they’d bail out on me.

I didn’t know exactly what transpired but in a flick, when I turned 25, I thought of a better lifestyle! It included trying to love myself better. It included liking myself and accepting myself for who I am with all my flaws and doubts. When I did that I opened the doors I didn’t knew existed for a long time and started making friends.

For the people who knew me for a long time. They would say I am jolly and friendly. They would say I am loud and filled with energy but my office mates would say another thing. They never heard my voice, I didn’t talk to anyone. I liked eating alone and I would even wait for everyone to finish eating before I would go on lunch break! That’s how I was (about 7 or 8 months ago!) but it all changed when I started to like myself better!

I guess I was too scared to love myself more and that hindered me from a lot of beautiful things!

Now, as I’d like to say, I am in a better place than I was and I am amazed with the changes I made. I didn’t even force it to happen it all came naturally!

It was not hard for me to accept the love other people show me, I finally felt worthy of what I have. I felt good about myself and I do not question my existence any more!

I guess what I’m getting at is if you feel like you’re hopeless and that you’re in a bad place, do not lose hope. Acknowledge everything and take time to feel. Take time to know yourself more, take time to appreciate more, give credit to yourself because you deserve it. Do not wait for other people’s approval; do not rely on other people’s fondness of you. You ought to like yourself better than you do and you owe it to yourself. You deserve to love yourself more than you did before and once it happens, everything else will fall into place.