Since my diagnosis, like I said, everything fell into place. I understood myself better and it sort of calmed me in a way.
Let’s talk about my OCD journey.
I’ve had this ever since I was young and I feel like everyone in my immediate family knew. They did everything they could and tried to understand me every step of the way. Going back to all my not so fun quirks and rituals, my heart melts when I remember how my brothers, sister, mom would understand them as strange as they were. Thanks to my family for embracing all of me, my flaws and imperfections without a single doubt that I can be a better person, I can still be who I am and not be judged.
Here are some of the things that have confirmed my OCD (which I basically do not tell a lot of people but opening up now seems so helpful and useful not only for me but for others who may or may not have the same condition I do have)
- Before going to bed, I would realize something that I should have done like I suddenly felt the urge of washing my feet. Then I would tell myself that it’s not dirty and it doesn’t need extra washing. But then again, my mind would say GO WASH IT OR ELSE YOUR FAMILY WOULD DIE. So I would go and wash my feet just so my family wouldn’t die.
- I was trying to fill up a tub of water. So while waiting for it, I would do something else like wash my face etc. Then when I hear that the tub would be filled already, my brain automatically says something like YOU HAVE TO TURN THE FAUCET OFF NOW BECAUSE ONCE THE WATER SPILLS, YOU WILL GET PREGNANT AND DIE. So I would hurry the eff up and close the faucet like my life depended on it.
- I brush my teeth for a very long time until my gums bleed. This is because I feel like when I don’t see blood yet then it is not clean! So I have to brush and brush and brush until it bleeds.
- I have a particular set of spoon and fork at home that I use. Only I can use it and only if it was that particular set is to be used will I eat my meal. If not, I have to look for my own set or my family would.
- I have to knock 3 times all the time even if a bad thought came to my head. My brain tells me that if I don’t knock 3 times, my bad thoughts would come true.
Those are the only remarkable ones, I have a lot but most of the time, I would overcome it and outgrow them, until a new one develops.
Right now, I’m on the phase wherein I feel good about myself. I feel alive and enlightened. It’s as if I understand everything now. It’s a “EUREKA” moment for me. I know it would be hard but everyone close to my heart have made me feel secured, protected and understood. Not one in my family have shown distaste towards my condition and I feel like my family is enough. I wouldn’t ask the world to understand me, however I hope that one day, everyone would understand all the different conditions there is in the world. Everyone may be a little bit kinder, understanding and accepting of the uniqueness and individuality of others. I hope and I pray ❤