Okay, before anything else, I would like to explain that I didn’t really try to harm myself. I mean, I didn’t want to kill myself. I still don’t know what happened, I still didn’t feel suicidal up to this day but I feel confident to share this to you.
When I was in high school, I feel like I was living an amazing high school life. I seem to be on top of everything and it felt really nice! I was doing good things for people, I was a nice person, I was very friendly and helpful. I did everything with grace, I am a top student, I have amazing friends, I am not in any high school drama of sorts and I loved life! I did everything and got to know for my “wonderful” job. But I feel like that’s just a surface. I was a silent person at home, no one ever knew what’s going on in my mind. I would usually have fights with my brothers and got hurt because I feel like they do not understand me. I feel lost, I feel heart broken, I miss my mom (my mom used to work overseas just to give us a comfortable life) I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t feel like talking this out with people I love so I kept it to myself and I resorted to cutting myself as well. I would get a cutter, I would even sterilize it just so I wouldn’t die (how ironic) then I cut my skin. I would just tear it a little. Just over an inch horizontally. It would turn really pink, then I could feel a small pain then I will continue to run the cutter over the pink skin until it bleeds. It will only bleed a little and then I would be so relieved afterwards. It made me feel really nice after the wound so I sorta got addicted to it. Whenever I feel in pain, whenever I feel sick, whenever I am stressed out, I would get my cutter and do it over and over again. I would wear tons of bracelets, bands, friendship bracelets just to hide the wounds and scars. I never told anyone about the gravity of what I was doing. I never told people close to me what I felt after cutting. I told some of my friends in high school but they feel like I was just being dramatic and I wouldn’t blame them for that. So it went on for years until I think I was in my 3rd year in college. I told my best friend about it and she got so worried. She didn’t judge me and what I loved was she tried to understand the pain I was going through. She told me that I should try to stop this cause it’s being a routine already. It wasn’t easy to stop. I would always relapse and cut my skin again and again. I would stop for a while but then I would get back at it again. It was emotionally painful to be in that sort of position. I didn’t do it and I wasn’t doing it for attention and pity, I just felt like it was my outlet. One day, I just threw all my cutters and anything that would be able to cut into my skin. I stopped and really tried hard to not relapse. For years and years, I wore a lot of bracelets on my left arm just to hide the scars. I wasn’t comfortable seeing it cause I might get back to doing it again. I tell you it wasn’t easy. Then just before I turned 25 this year, I took off every bracelet and stared at my scars. It didn’t feel so bad. I am proud now that I can look at it, touch it and not feel bad about myself. I don’t feel the need to cut my skin too!
Now that I got this off my chest, I can say it took soooo long for me to be able to admit it to myself and to everyone else but I am glad I did.
If you are feeling down and in so much pain, do not inflict more pain. Just embrace it until it hurts no more.