”I cut myself just to relieve my stress”

Okay, before anything else, I would like to explain that I didn’t really try to harm myself. I mean, I didn’t want to kill myself. I still don’t know what happened, I still didn’t feel suicidal up to this day but I feel confident to share this to you.

When I was in high school, I feel like I was living an amazing high school life. I seem to be on top of everything and it felt really nice! I was doing good things for people, I was a nice person, I was very friendly and helpful. I did everything with grace, I am a top student, I have amazing friends, I am not in any high school drama of sorts and I loved life! I did everything and got to know for my “wonderful” job. But I feel like that’s just a surface. I was a silent person at home, no one ever knew what’s going on in my mind. I would usually have fights with my brothers and got hurt because I feel like they do not understand me. I feel lost, I feel heart broken, I miss my mom (my mom used to work overseas just to give us a comfortable life) I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t feel like talking this out with people I love so I kept it to myself and I resorted to cutting myself as well. I would get a cutter, I would even sterilize it just so I wouldn’t die (how ironic) then I cut my skin. I would just tear it a little. Just over an inch horizontally. It would turn really pink, then I could feel a small pain then I will continue to run the cutter over the pink skin until it bleeds. It will only bleed a little and then I would be so relieved afterwards. It made me feel really nice after the wound so I sorta got addicted to it. Whenever I feel in pain, whenever I feel sick, whenever I am stressed out, I would get my cutter and do it over and over again. I would wear tons of bracelets, bands, friendship bracelets just to hide the wounds and scars. I never told anyone about the gravity of what I was doing. I never told people close to me what I felt after cutting. I told some of my friends in high school but they feel like I was just being dramatic and I wouldn’t blame them for that. So it went on for years until I think I was in my 3rd year in college. I told my best friend about it and she got so worried. She didn’t judge me and what I loved was she tried to understand the pain I was going through. She told me that I should try to stop this cause it’s being a routine already. It wasn’t easy to stop. I would always relapse and cut my skin again and again. I would stop for a while but then I would get back at it again. It was emotionally painful to be in that sort of position. I didn’t do it and I wasn’t doing it for attention and pity, I just felt like it was my outlet. One day, I just threw all my cutters and anything that would be able to cut into my skin. I stopped and really tried hard to not relapse. For years and years, I wore a lot of bracelets on my left arm just to hide the scars. I wasn’t comfortable seeing it cause I might get back to doing it again. I tell you it wasn’t easy. Then just before I turned 25 this year, I took off every bracelet and stared at my scars. It didn’t feel so bad. I am proud now that I can look at it, touch it and not feel bad about myself. I don’t feel the need to cut my skin too!

Now that I got this off my chest, I can say it took soooo long for me to be able to admit it to myself and to everyone else but I am glad I did.

If you are feeling down and in so much pain, do not inflict more pain. Just embrace it until it hurts no more.

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7 thoughts on “”I cut myself just to relieve my stress”

  1. You have come a long way to be able to say, “Just embrace it until it hurts no more.” It brings me full circle to something I read earlier in the week about feeling the physical symptoms of anxiety. So often we try to push the physical symptoms away because they’re uncomfortable. Everyone suffering does this in their own way whether it be drugs or alcohol, faking happiness/confidence, cutting, or some other coping mechanism. I’m going to take your advice and “embrace it,” actually take notice and feel the physical symptoms the next time my anxiety sneaks in. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww thank you so much. I have been so down when I was in high school, like I think people need to always be with me and I was so needy with my friends so when I didn’t get what I expected, I resorted to this anxiety cutting. I just now realized if it weren’t for all these, I wouldn’t have been this strong! 🙂 Yes, I think the easiest way to get over every pain and all that is to embrace it, feel it. It’s hard but it’s going to be okay (like what they always say lol) You’re welcome and I am just here for you when you need someone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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