Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

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30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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Never The Virgin Mary

I remember being a bit sad (though I never admitted it) because I don’t get to be a Virgin Mary in Christmas related presentations. If I won’t be one of the angels, I’m probably a flower or a tree. Never the Virgin Mary.

When I was younger, I loved the spotlight. I just do my thing and I love performing. I grew up being a cheerleader, dancer, actress in school plays (think of me as Sharpay Evans with the attitude of Gabriela Marquez from High School Musical LOL) I’m pretty much competitive, I don’t get shy, I always have a big role—you probably get it already HAHA. So when Christmas presentations are approaching, I get a little bit let down. You see, I don’t get to be the Virgin Mary even if I acted so good or even if I have the most perfect costume for it simply because “No, the Virgin Mary has this angelic face and a whiter skin. Your skin is dark, your eyebrows are too thick you don’t look like the Virgin Mary at all”.

I didn’t tell my mom how bad I felt but she told me that it’s okay, I don’t need to play the Virgin Mary part anyway because I can have a lot of different roles that I can portray better.

I didn’t cry and later on realized that I don’t even want to play that role anyway.

At an early age, I learned where I place myself, when to place myself. I learned that I can be both great and amazing but not all parts of the play can be achieved through greatness, some roles are meant for me to play while some are not.

I don’t need to be too bold and popular, I don’t need to be bida bida all the time (bida bida is a slang in Tagalog which means, uhm, you know Sharpay Evans and how she is? That’s bida bida HAHAHA I can’t explain it)

I don’t need to always be that person everyone adores. I can be who I am and people can like me if they want as they can hate me if they want ~I don’t care.

2 Nights Ago, Anxiety Paid Me A Visit

 

 

It was a normal day, Sunday, but Sundays always give me that unpleasant feeling. That feeling that forms a lump in your throat and makes your voice quiver. Something that will make you cry at night when no one else can see and hear you. Some Sundays are like that for me, just like last Sunday.

At around midnight, I was throwing a light tantrum. Kyx had to comfort me in so many ways because I was PMS-ing and pissed at the same time for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint. Also, that day, Kyx has a cousin who will be sleeping over and he will be sleeping at the room beside ours. Man, the snoring was so loud! I think the walls were thin but I can’t sleep. I wasn’t able to sleep not until almost 3 in the morning. Man was it such a bad day.

For 3 hours that I was awake, trying to focus on my breathing, trying to fall asleep—anxiety knocked and paid me a visit. It was quick but remarkable, it was one of the visits that keeps me so terrified for days and I can’t shrug it off as easily as I could. In those short time, I felt that it lasted for days. I was able to think about a lot of things like my mind is racing. Let me break it down for you how my anxiety (with a tinge of OCD –rituals) came.

  • I thought about a thousand ways of how I would die. How tragic my pretty little demise would be and how sad it would if I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to those whom I love. I even thought of you guys, my wordpress friends—how will you know I am dead? I wouldn’t be able to tell you and that’s painful for me.
  • I was having a fantasy that Kyx doesn’t love me and that when we get married, he will leave. Not for another girl but because I am so hard to love.
  • I thought about our dogs and I cried because I remember, if I die, I wouldn’t be able to pet them anymore and ugh, it’s so painful.
  • I thought about the death of all the people I love, family and friends and I wanna just stop thinking for a lifetime at this point because my head is literally hurting.
  • I thought about my workload and how the fuck I am going to finish everything because it’s a lot and I feel so sad that I don’t get paid much for all the hard work I do.
  • I thought about the end of the world, how I’ll try to survive, or will I die? Or will everyone else die too?
  • – –

At this point, Kyx is singing me a lullaby. He feels so bad that I can’t sleep. I asked him to play some music, he did, I still can’t sleep. I can’t cry, I don’t feel like crying but my heart is aching so bad. My chest is feeling so tight, my heart is beating fast, my head is hurting, it literally feels like I’m spinning, I can’t breathe, I can’t think normally now because my mind keeps on controlling itself. And then I prayed.

I still can’t sleep but finally, I was starting to calm down. I was starting to feel a little okay. It doesn’t feel normal, no, not yet. But definitely, I am making progress. I finally fell asleep around 3 in the morning but I woke up at around 5. I tried to sleep again, woke up at 6, slept again, woke up at 7.

My anxiety didn’t leave, not until last night. I brought it with me in the office and anywhere I went but alas, I finally felt okay. Thanks to the gummy bears and biscuit shopping Kyx and I did before going home from work.

Who Do You Need To Ignore

Kebs and Wapakels (the art of ignoring or not caring at all)

A guide on how you control yourself in caring about unnecessary things aka those that are not worth a second of your time.

  1. Chismoso and Chismosa – a Filipino slang that can be a noun or adjective, but I’ll use it as a noun (depends on how you use it) pertaining to people who always talk about other people’s whereabouts.

These people do not deserve your time and energy. They are also not worth your emotions so before you react when you learn someone is being a chismoso/chismosa, stop and think. Remember that these people are a.)the ones who do not have anything better to do with their lives. b.) uneducated ones that are not taught to stop talking about other people and their whereabouts because it’s none of their business.

What you need to do: Ignore them. There’s no point in confrontation. What they say about you is none of your business.

  1. That Person Who Hates Your Guts – someone who has a bad blood for you. You know that nagging feeling when you know someone doesn’t like you even if you are not doing anything?

These people is not even worth an ounce of your time. Don’t waste your day away thinking about why they don’t like you. Don’t ever think how you can please them. Never. Just do your thing, be a good person, be civil with them if you ever need to be in the same room with them but never ever think of ways on how you can please them. You don’t need to please people, especially the ones who don’t even like you in the first place.

What you need to do: If you suspect that people do not like you for a certain attitude you have and it’s a negative thing, then try to change it. But if there’s nothing wrong talaga, then chill. Sit back and care less for these people.

  1. That Person Who Is Always Rude To You – someone who is always either sarcastic or rude kahit wala na sa lugar.

These people may think of themselves as funny and popular and powerful but rudeness has never been cute nor funny.

What you need to do: tell them to stop being rude. Call their attention. If you don’t want that, you can simply ignore them. Don’t let them get into your nerves, don’t give them attention.

 

Not wasting your time caring about what other people say can really help you live a happy life. All the nega stuff can be so much of a burden and we don’t have room for that anymore. Kebs lang, ignore, ‘wag pansinin.

A Letter To My Depressed-Self 4 Months Ago

In your 26 years of existence, you didn’t see this coming. You didn’t see that the people you love dearly—whom you have called best friends for many many years, would turn their backs against you. There was this confrontation but you were the only bad guy. No one owned up to their mistakes, no one even saw the bad things they did, they think what they did weren’t comparable to whatever you did. For a time, you will think that you are the worst person in the world but fret not because sooner, you’ll realize everything.

For a long time you carried yourself after that crazy experience ever so heavily. You let yourself be dragged on to this drama and you cried as much as you had to—but surprisingly, tears weren’t shed that long, not much. Not much as you expected.

You didn’t know it yet but you will be stronger. You will find all your broken pieces, even the ones that went missing for a long time. You will patch yourself together without depending on other people. Yes, your family, remaining friends and Kyx were there for you but the only person who can patch you up and piece you back altogether is you and you alone.

Though you think it’s tough, you will eventually be fine. You will be able to move on and be okay. You will forget all the pain and hurt they have caused you. More than that, you will forgive them with all of your heart. You will be able to accept that you have been kicked out of the group you once help build. You will let go of the betrayal and you will stop asking why. Maybe you don’t know how soon but it will be okay, you will be okay.

When your dark clouds left, your days will be brighter and you’ll see the sunshine again even if it was raining. As you see the brightness of the day, you’d realize how much bigger the world is and how small you made it for yourself. Your horizon would be wider and you will realize everything. You will acknowledge the mistakes you did, the darkness you have spread but you will realize how worthy of love and kindness you are. You will stop blaming yourself for everything and you will stand again.

As you are walking towards recovery, you will look depression in the eye and you’ll say ‘fuck off’. You know that it’s still lingering but you’ll realize you’re too blessed to focus on it.

But in those days, the most important thing that happened is the growth. You will learn a lot through this and you will love and appreciate everyone who have stuck with you no matter what. Especially your mom.

Yes you may have done a lot of mistakes, but these mistakes are forgivable ones. Yes you may have cried, but you’ll realize eventually that you’re crying for blessings.

You will be okay. Fine. Better—even. Just trust yourself. No matter what.

 

Drinking Problems

I didn’t even know that it was already a drinking problem of some sort until people started telling me that I looked dry, drunk and alcoholic. I can’t say I’m alcoholic *siguro patawid palang but fortunately, hindi naman* and thinking about it, I figured maybe I was just an extremely heavy drinker cause I grew up with 3 brothers who are really heavy drinkers (not in a bad way hehehe I’m trying to justify pa lol) but you see, we’re not alcoholics. We just love our booze.

Alcoholism is not to be taken lightly. It’s a serious substance abuse that could lead to health problems and I’m fully aware of that. I’m not downplaying or portraying anything that I am not.

So back in the day, during my college years, my glorious years, I drank so much. I don’t do it on a daily basis at first and of course, I’m not one to drink around groups. I love drinking with just my friends. College stuff, workload and a lot of other requirements led me to feel so stressed out and I resorted to drinking every weekend. It has been a weekend hobby for me. I’d invite friends over my house and we’d drink at our garage. Chill drink lang, walang walwalan. But if my friends are not available, I’d just drink by myself. Ganong levels. I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing though.

I was still responsible. I study, I am good in class, I’m an okay person in general. But I drink weekly.

Until such time that I really feel like I needed to drink, any time of day. It’s as if I was always looking for an excuse to drink. It was as if my body is looking for alcohol and I needed to give in to it because if not, I won’t be able to sleep well.

I have my flask with me—EVERYWHERE I GO. With a small amount of booze, I’m at peace that I could carry on with the day and get by.

I am not a party girl but I look up booze mixes on pinterest just for the heck of it. I loved every mix I ever did with jell-o and gummie bears. I was crazy.

But one fine day, I just stopped altogether. I didn’t want booze, I didn’t crave for it the way I used to. I just didn’t feel like drinking that much anymore.

Now, I still drink (not as much) and I still have my flask 🙂

So I think that this isn’t alcoholism. It was just a phase I guess?

Did you have a phase like this?

** 

If you have drinking problems, if you feel like you’re getting addicted to it, maybe it’s time to consult a doctor or a therapist. Especially if it is a result of a problem, depression or if it has anything to do with your emotional and mental health.

My problem was that it was purely out of sheer joy but it was not because I was depressed or what (I have depression but I didn’t drink because of it)

Don’t Wait For Others To Value You

More often than not, we seek validation from other people—especially from those who we love and care about. We want them to value us, we want them to show us how much they love and care for us and we end up sad, miserable and angry when we don’t feel loved and valued.

I have been like that before. I feel ugly when people don’t say I’m pretty. I feel stupid when they don’t tell me how smart I am. I feel unloved if they don’t tell me how much they love me. I feel sad when they don’t tell me how much they want me in their lives. In short *papansin* ako. More than anything, more than sensitive ako and daming hanash, papansin is the term to describe me (at least for me ah) Aside from feeling terrible, I created a terrible version of myself. Sad, lost and confused as I am, I hated everyone. Hate is a strong word and I don’t want to use it lightly, pero I did just that. I was angry and I kept crying and questioning my existence and everyone else’s. It was bad. I was in a bad place.

But I guess, growing up means learning from your ~stupid~ mistakes and knowing that what you did who you have been trying to be is wrong in so many levels. So when everything and everyone failed me, I went back and did a self-check. I realized how much stress I have put into myself and it’s crazy to think that all of this happened mostly because of me—being so cruel to myself. If I had valued myself enough, I wouldn’t have needed validation, if I didn’t need validation, I wouldn’t care so much about other people’s behaviour towards me.

So if you are going through this rough patch, it’s not easy and you don’t get to figure it all out without breaking I sweat (I had to have my heart broken to know all these) so heed my advice.

Do not wait for others to value you before you value yourself.

If there’s one person who needs to value you and love you so much, that’s going to be YOU and YOU ALONE. How would you understand and appreciate the love you receive if you don’t know how to love yourself, right? Stop waiting for them to value you. You have to value yourself first and then every single happiness will follow.

They Will Reveal Themselves

Remember, you don’t have to reveal how other people are. You don’t need to talk about how you see them, you don’t need to tell other people about their “true colors” because you know what? Eventually, they will reveal themselves.

I am a bad case of speaking my mind uncontrollably before. I share my pointless, petty opinions and what I think—mostly about other people’s habits and behaviour. I will tell person B about how person A is and then I end up being the bad guy (always) for speaking my mind when in reality, I just told the truth about how I see other people. I was so confused, baffled and I can’t even believe that they feel like I am destroying them when all I ever did was describe how I observed them. Maybe in the manner of how I said it and the intent as to why I said it is bothersome (before) but I realized soon enough that I should just keep my judgments to myself especially if it’s not important, because after all, I need not tell other people about how other people are because they will reveal themselves in the end.

So queber nalang. Kahit “totoo naman eh” diba? Ipapakilala nila kung sino sila talaga kasi wala pa akong kilalang plastic na napanindigan yung pag-babait baitan niya. Eventually, lalabas ang tunay na ugali nila for the whole world to see. Di ko kailangan i-justify sa ibang tao kung sino at anong klaseng tao talaga sila. Kasi pati sarili nila, kilala nila. ‘Wag na tayong maglokohan. 😉