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Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

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30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

coolpeppermint

30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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Here’s What is Inside My Head

There’s just so much resentment upon realizations that I can’t even bring myself to write about it. I am attempting to do so but it just doesn’t feel right.

I wanted to write about a lot of people who have been a part of the past now like my ex best friend but words seem to sound sadder than I actually feel? I mean I’m not sad about it. In fact, I feel that I have given myself the closure I wanted others to give me and it felt really nice. I just don’t want this to sound like another sob story but then I will keep thinking about it so let’s just give it a go.

Ang dami ko pang sinabi dun din naman pala mapupunta haha.

  1. To my ex best friends. If I think about who is to blame in all the chaos we went through, I can’t think of someone hahaha. Maybe because I have accepted the fact that partly, I was to blame for it, had I not been the maldita person that I was, then we wouldn’t have been entangled to this in the first place. But have you? Have you also realized what I realized? That maybe it was also partly your fault? Hahaha. I just want to say that I needed to acknowledge and verbalize what you did that hurt me in the middle of all these so I can fully forgive. I forgive you for turning your back on me and giving up on the friendship. I forgive you for not even trying to listen to what I had to say. I forgive you for being so unforgiving in those trying times. I forgive you for basically thinking that parting ways was the most ideal thing to do but that destroyed me so fucking much and I want you to know that. But I forgive you both for everything because I know that what you did to me was wrong and that you hurt me and I didn’t deserve that. My pity party was over as soon as I realized that I wouldn’t have hurt someone I love the way you guys did but that’s okay because now, I know that I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment so I tried to forgive you. It took me a year and a half to do so but I forgive you now. I am praying that one day, you also realize the pain you caused me and though I am not going to want you to ask for forgiveness, the mere realization of it is enough.
  2. To this person who I recently did the INFJ door slam, what you asked me with that accusatory tone—don’t deny that it was filled with malice *eyes rolling* offended me. It was a bit too low of you to do that and though I know you probably didn’t mean it the way you did 5 minutes after saying it, I already took it to heart and all the millions of second chances I gave you so graciously has been thrown out of the window in a split second and boy I am not even sorry. You are always unappreciative of people’s effort in reaching out to you but that’s not my problem anymore. I’m just saying. And for you to think that I would tell a soul about what you said is an insult. You have insulted me in so many ways and the sad part is you don’t even know it. You always tell people you’re sensitive but truly sensitive people also know if they have crossed a line one way or another. You failed to even feel bad for what you did so how is that even sensitive? You are not worthy of my time and energy and even the friendship I was willing to give so goodbye.

Okay, now I’m done and I cannot wait to be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday! Woop!

Change Back To Who You Really Are!

We tend to try and overhaul our life, change everything that we are after every shit we go through. It’s okay until it’s not.

That’s what I did for the last two years. It was definitely a struggle! I didn’t know where to start, I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, what steps I needed to take. I just kept praying and praying and crying and praying and crying day after the other. Sometimes, I get better days. Sometimes, the world falls apart and everything seems so unfair again. That’s the cycle I’ve gone through and I never thought I’d finally get over it. Fuck. Took me long enough huh?

I realized that trying to change myself for the better is not the way to go. It wasn’t working well enough for me. Ang hirap, Hindi nakakatuwa.

Then a light bulb moment happened. I needed to dig deeper, I need to go back to who I truly were back then, before all the shit happened. I needed to go back to who I was. Crap changed me so much already and I lost myself in the process. But I guess, that’s human nature ya know. All the shit we go through leaves a mark and kind of chips off our true selves.

So that’s what I did. It took me a while to find my old self but there she was just waiting for me to come get her hahaha. Ang saya!

Mga pakyu silang lahat. Joke!

Loving Me #2

See the first entry of what I like to call a ‘series’ here. (I wanted to link it pero wala palang kwenta so wag na hahahahaha)

Anyway, I have written about a dozen instalments of “loving me” but I figured I want to write it after observing progress that’s why we’re only at the 2nd part haha!

In this entry, I’d like to note the changes I have made.

  1. I am naturally a brave person. I guess I grew up that way not only because I am a batanguena but also because life was such a struggle that I had to be palaban. However, for the past years, I mellowed down because I am trying to be someone I am not. I always have someone I look up to and I imitate the style of that person when it comes to coping hence I struggled. Hindi naman talaga ako mahinhin, I just wanted to be that kind of person back then but after everything, I know I am not supposed to be like that. Hindi bagay.
  2. I am not afraid anymore to speak my mind talaga. As in totally I can say my feelings, ideas and opinions no matter how different my views are not only because of my personal development but I found people I can talk to in a way that I don’t need to sugar coat. (Shout out to Airah, Yana, Kat, Kyx’s friends and Kapitbahays *wink wink*)
  3. I don’t stress myself and put unnecessary pain in my heart anymore because kebs.
  4. I acknowledge my feelings and I don’t blame myself for feeling the way I am feeling. I realized that no one can invalidate how I feel so, kebs na din. Before, I will invalidate my own feelings thinking na maybe I was just too sensitive when in fact mali pala talaga ang ginawa sa akin.
  5. I hear other people out more now than I did back then. I respect their thoughts and opinions without judging them for it.
  6. I give more of my time now to others and spend it fruitfully. I am always so lazy and even afraid to go out and socialize even to people I like but things have changed already and I am liking that I have balanced me time and time spent with others.

I guess I made a huge progress and I can’t wait to write more in the future!

I am happy with how things are for me, focus lang and more effort pa! Whoo!

Thank You For Hurting Me

I have learned so much from what you did and I am actually thankful for it all. Thank you to the friends I used to have, thanks for what you did to me. Thank you because:

  1. You led me to see my flaws, the ones I have been to blinded to check. When I saw it, I immediately tried improving myself to become a better person not just for other people but also for me.
  2. You showed me who I don’t want to be. The cruelty that you so mindlessly threw upon me and the others are so savage that I don’t think any person would have deserved that.
  3. You made me rethink my actions and be more selfless. The selfish act you did, did not just hurt the person you targeted which was me—but also the ones who should have not been hurt like that.
  4. You made me a gentler person who would be civil, wise and mild upon giving criticisms and pointing out what needs to be improved.
  5. You made me realize that confrontations should be for the better of everyone in the group and not executed to belittle, demean and hurt feelings.
  6. You showed me that being such a cruel person for your own gain is really damaging to a point where pieces were broken, pieces were crumbling down and it would almost be impossible to get it all back together. I have endured that and I wouldn’t inflict that kind of pain to someone.
  7. You made me realize that bringing someone down for your own selfish gain will only haunt you for the rest of your life.

So thank you for everything that you did to me. For making me crumble, for breaking me, for making me lose my mind, for the suffering you have caused, for the pain you caused the people who love me—my mom, my family, Kyx. Thank you for pushing me away and making me doubt myself and my strength because now, I have loved myself even more. I realized what kind of person I want to be and what I don’t want to be. I valued my worth and the worth of those surrounding me more than I ever did. I trusted myself and have finally put the pieces back together.

Moving on from everything that you did was very hard because everything you said and did were damaging to me. Until now, I kid you not that I still get nightmares—but I don’t wake up with a broken heart anymore. I find it hard to join a group because of the traumatic experience you put me through but I don’t feel so bad anymore, because now, the Lord gave me empowerment and conviction. He gave me people I can still be friends with, He gave me people who will be kind to me and make me see the world on a brighter note despite the dark you caged me into.

The suffering you have caused me made me who I am right now. A better person, a better friend and this is what I really want to be. This is who I should be.

I kept asking the Lord when will I be able to move on and I was wanting a specific answer, perhaps a date and time. But I was given much more than that. I felt like the Lord is trying to tell me that I will be able to move on totally when I learned to love myself more, when I start valuing myself and seeing my worth the way He sees it. That once I forgive myself, I will be able to forgive my tormentors. And when all else falls into place, I will start again with a new heart that loves so much more than I could have ever loved before.

So thank you.

Anong Ginawa Ko, Para Madeserve Itong Taong Ito?

Ilang buwan na ang allergy ko. Ganoon talaga kapag pollen season, tiis tiis.

Mga bandang alas tres nagising ako, kasi  barado yung ilong ko. May sipon mula sa allergic rhinitis ko na kailangang isinga.

Tinapik tapik ko si Kyx gamit ang mga paa ko. Nag-doDota pa rin siya.

Kyx: bakit?

Ako: Sisinga ako, di ako makahinga, sisinga ako.

Wala na kaming tissue pala. In game siya pero natataranta kasi wala na din makitang sisingahan ko.

Nagising ang diwa ko nang bigla niyang hinubad yung tshirt na suot niya para singahan ko.

(alam ko nakakadiri na sisinga ako sa damit pasensya na ahahahahahha)

Pero ang sweet nakakaiyak eh.

Hayyyy.

May mga maliliit na bagay na ganito, nakakadiri pa nga kung tutuusin kasi sisinga ako sa damit eh diba pero alam mo yun???? Yung simpleng gesture na ganon? Yung dahil wala siyang maibigay sakin, hinubad niya yung damit niya para dun  nalang ako suminga. Di bale nang lamigin ng bahagya, para lang may masingahan ako. Lord, ano ginawa ko para madeserve ang taong ito. Hayy. Kinikilig ako.

“It’s Okay”

Why do we have the nagging fear of missing out? What is it that we feel like we always have to be part of something? Why do we need to fit in places we don’t fit into no matter how hard we try?

If you have the fear of missing out, if you want so badly to fit in and you look at your past as if you lost something and it gets really hard to move forward, here’s a reminder.

  • Yes it’s fun while it lasted, it’s good while it lasted, and everything was such a blast until it had to end. The initial feeling we have would be regret, heartache, resentment and insert all feelings of hurt here but (I know it’s easier said than done) couldn’t we all have a change in perspective? Say for example, gratefulness and even relief! How about hope? Let’s change our attitude towards bad endings. Let’s nod or tip off your hat and welcome the new beginning! Be hopeful for what is in store for us in the days that are coming.
  • It’s okay to not be part of something you used to be part of. I get the feeling that you are like this piece of puzzle and you seriously fit into it perfectly and then all of a sudden, the picture changed and you as a piece—is not needed anymore. It’s okay, don’t get sad over shit like that for you have your own new picture with lots of other new puzzle pieces that fit in its place now. A picture that also do not need the old puzzle pieces anymore. Quits lang, kumbaga.
  • A closed door, a different path is not the end of it all. It’s also a sign of new opportunities and growth!

I was thinking the other day about my old friends and how I am not going to be part of their lives, their future and even their milestones. I wouldn’t be able to be there, be proud, be happy for them when they reach their dreams and that’s okay. Not that it’s okay because “quits lang” but it’s really okay because maybe, our lives are only weaved for a period of time and that it was broken off for the better. It’s okay because moving on, letting go and growing means leaving the past behind because that’s where it is meant to be left.

And just as my mom always says, people who left us and chose to weed us out of their lives are the ones that we don’t need panghihinayang.

 Kaya, okay lang yan. Okay lang talaga yan.

Ngayong Oktubre

Sinabi na sa atin nang paulit ulit, at ilang beses na rin naman nating natunghayan, na ang lahat ng pasakit, lahat ng masakit, lahat ng kahindik-hindik na tagpo sa ating buhay ay natatapos, nakakalimutan, napapatawad, naiiwan sa nakaraan sa oras na pinili na nating lumakad pasulong, sa oras na pinili na nating lumisan.

Oo. Lahat tayo nakakamove on. Lahat ng sugat ng nakaraan din kasi ay naghihilom.

Kapag iniisip ko lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko, pinipilit kong alalahanin kung anong nangyari sa lumang sarili ko. Ano ba ako noong mga panahong iyon? Nalugmok ba ako at umiyak ng sobra? Hindi ko na maalala kung paanong pinilit ng utak kong kalimutan ang mga nangyari. Hindi ko na maalala ang lahat nga ng pangyayari, pero ang alam ko, simula nang inumpisahan kong umisod, simula nung inihakbang ko ang mga paa ko, unti unti nang naghilom ang mga sugat na hindi ko naman sigurado kung natamo ko ba sa ibang tao o sa sarili kong kagagawan.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ikukwento ng maayos sa inyo yung mga bagay na naiisip ko ngayong naglangib na nga ang malalim na sugat ko. Dati kasi, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong may kagagawan ng lahat, sarili ko lang ang naiisip kong dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito at bumalentong ang mundo ko. Pero kasi hindi eh. Hindi maaaring masaktan ka na tipong ikaw lang ang may kasalanan, na ikaw lang ang lahat ng may kagagawan. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong sisihin natin ang ibang tao pero kasi, narealize ko na ang sagot sa mga katanungan ko ay makikita ko lang sa oras na mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko. Yung bang may paninindigan ako, yun bang hindi ako makikinig o maniniwala sa sasabihin ng ibang tao dahil mas kilala ko ang sarili ko. Nakilatis ko na rin ang mga taong talagang may pagmamahal at malasakit sakin kaya naman hindi na ako nagpapatinag sa mga opinyon ng kung sino sino lang.

Una, napag-isip isip kong hindi para sa akin ang ginawa nila kundi para sa kanila. Wala naman akong nakuha o na-gain sa mga bagay na sinabi nila. Sila ang may nakuha. Siguro kung tumaas ang self-esteem nila at napatatag nila ang mga sarili nila, eh di good. Pero ngayon ko napagtanto na hindi iyan ang sisira sa pagkatao ko.

Masakit kung sa masakit pero nung tinanggap ko na para naman sa inyong selfish na desisyon, natauhan ako. (buti nalang hindi ako nagpakamatay noong panahon na yun kasi hindi pala talaga worth it)

Pangalawa, hindi nakakasaya, nakakagaan sa loob at nakakakumpleto ang isang bagay na ginawa mo para malugmok ang isang tao. Hindi ako nagpapaka-victim dito dahil alam naman nating may fair share ako ng kamalditahan ko, pero walang nanalo o natalo kaya wag sanang isiping “victory” ang isang bagay na nakapanakit deliberately. Hindi yan ang ikasasaya mo.

Pangatlo, lahat ng tao sa mundo nagkakasakitan kaya tingin ko isa sa mga goals dapat natin sa buhay ay ang makapagpatawaran sa mga taong nanakit satin, sa mga taong nagkaroon tayo ng hindi magandang alaala.

Hindi ko na pinapangarap na makipagusap sila ng maayos o humingi manlang ng tawad sa oras na sinaktan nila ako. Napagtanto ko naman na din na ang universe na ang gagawa ng paraan upang iparamdam sayo kung ano ang pinaramdam mo sa ibang tao. Babalik at babalik din kasi yan eh. Hindi mo ba naisip yun?

Kaya ngayong Oktubre, pinapatawad ko yung mga taong nakapanakit sa akin ng husto. Pinatatawad ko sila kasi tapos ko nang patawarin ang sarili ko.