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Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

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30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

coolpeppermint

30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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Please Help Baby Ace

My cousin, Ace Cargado who is barely 3 months old was born with a rare disease called Prune Belly Syndrome.

According to rarediseases.org

Prune-Belly syndrome, also known as Eagle-Barrett syndrome, is a rare disorder characterized by partial or complete absence of the stomach (abdominal) muscles, failure of both testes to descend into the scrotum (bilateral cryptorchidism), and/or urinary tract malformations. The urinary malformations may include abnormal widening (dilation) of the tubes that bring urine to the bladder (ureters), accumulation of urine in the ureters (hydroureter) and the kidneys (hydronephrosis), and/or backflow of urine from the bladder into the ureters (vesicoureteral reflux). Complications associated with Prune-Belly syndrome may include underdevelopment of the lungs (pulmonary hypoplasia) and/or chronic renal failure. The exact cause of Prune-Belly syndrome is not known.

Right now, baby Ace needs immediate medical attention and an operation because this baby is now holding on for dear life. Instead of being confined in a hospital, he is at home because their family cannot afford treatment and confinement.

Baby Ace resides in Nasugbu, Batangas Philippines.

Please help raise funds for his hospitalization in any way you could. Contact me through my Facebook: Aila Cargado or my email xoxaltheac@gmail.com

This means a lot to me and our family. Your prayers are also well appreciated, please pray for baby Ace and his family in this tough time.

P.S. I have yet to find out the exact amount he needs but any amount of your prayers and donation will be well appreciated and we will be forever grateful. Kahit dasal lang.

Of Letting Go (cycle 100 hahaha)

More than a year ago, I forced myself to create a new world for me. A place where I will be at peace with myself, a place where I am in control of who I let inside my heart and my life. It was so difficult at first. Mahirap matalikuran and at the same time, talikuran ang mga taong naging parte ng buhay mo for 15 years. It wasn’t an easy choice but a choice I have to make, a choice I have to do for myself. A choice that will help me move on and heal. And it was the only choice so I have to make do of it or I’ll let myself sink.

At first I thought I wouldn’t be able to live with it, that I will be lonely and sad all through my days because I am so used to having these people in my life despite everything but look at me now, I am still so full of life! I am alive and definitely happier?! I never have imagined myself being so grateful about this.

I’d have to say that reminiscing never helped me. It still makes me a bit sad that things took a different turn. I would always think to myself that I could have done things differently but it won’t be of any use now would it?

I’ve learned so much about friendship and relationships. How to treasure people and how to love even more.

I’ve learned so much about myself. I saw what I was doing wrong and I rectified it. I redeemed myself through these heart breaking experiences and that made me a better person!

Yesterday I was seriously feeling triumphant that I survived a year without these people. Not that I don’t miss them now. I can’t say anymore that hindi ko na sila namimiss or naaalala because deep down inside, I still do and I’m not afraid to admit it, not even to myself. I just feel really good na kinakaya ko and kaya ko pala talaga.

Realizations About Motherhood from A Person Who is Not a Mother Yet

Last Thursday, I started thinking randomly and asked when will I ever bear a child? I am already 27 years old and my chances of have a risky pregnancy is getting higher and higher but here I am, still childless, not pregnant, no husband whatsoever hahahahahah

When I wrote about it a day ago, my friend Kat commented and then I just started realizing a lot of things like:

  • Boy I sure do am not ready for motherhood that’s why God is still not giving me a child (I’m also on birth control so it’s sort of impossible to actually get pregnant hehe)
  • Being a mom requires a whole lot of sacrifice on a different level and I don’t know if I am mature enough for that kind of sacrifice.
  • Moms give up some of their little happiness (not all of their happiness kasi moms should be really happy too in order to bring happiness in their home) and I’m not sure if I’m ready giving up some of my little happiness like enjoying a cup of coffee silently, lazing around at home doing nothing, watch Netflix until my head hurts and eyes twitch, lay in bed all day just because; without my child throwing a fit, calling me “mom” a million times, crying, being hungry et cetera, et cetera.
  • Me time would be so much reduced. Reading a book quietly or being able to paint as neat as possible with be close to impossible once I get to have a child.
  • My patience should be endless so I still need to practice that I think.
  • I don’t have enough money to raise a child how can I even dream about it already??
  • I can’t take good care of myself most of the time and I rely so much on my mom, Kyx and the maid (sometimes lang sa maid ah haha) so how can I take good care of my kid???
  • I would probably have to let go of random meet ups, coffee dates, movie dates, ramen dates, spontaneous Cubao expo trips because I wouldn’t want to leave my child at the care of my mom or yaya.

So definitely, I am not capable of being a mother. My golly, I salute my mom even more and all my mom friends out there!! Grabehaaaan pala ang hirap at sakripisyo ng isang ina talaga.


My mom would always tell us that we will probably realize everything when we become parents ourselves, I am not a mom just yet pero narerealize ko na how hard it is to become a parent. And everything I wrote are just a bunch of selfish and childish things I think about right now. Wala pa the sacrifice you have to do in order to save money and send them to reputable schools, buy them things they need and want, be prepared when your child gets her heartbroken because of bullies or toxic relationships, raise them really really well and be good people. Wala pa talaga sa kalingkingan ang realizations ko yet it’s already THIS hard. Hahaha. Saludo ako sa inyo mommy Meg, Aubrey, Jhem, ate Chococake. ANG LALA. Ang husay niyo!

Thursday Thoughts

I finally can breathe again today. After a gruelling meeting last night, I’m hopeful that this day will be okay.

Let me share with you my random thoughts this morning and my oh my, I don’t know if is it because I can finally have time to think and breathe again or because I had a cookie for breakfast? Lels.

Random Thought #1: When can I have the courage, money, guts to bear a child? I am not getting any younger and I want to have a child already but I can’t. Priorities. Hayy. Although people tell me that God will provide, I know that somehow, I am still not ready despite the fact that Kyx’s parents keep saying that we should probably give them grandchildren already but.. hahaha. Di ko pa keri.

Random Thought #2: How can you fall so deeply in love with someone? It’s so surreal! Falling in love is so magical not because you feel all cute and lovey dovey but because of the fact that you didn’t expect to love someone like that? Or is it just me? Haha.

Random Thought #3: I am still grieving with my loss for the past years. Loved ones died, friends left—it’s not easy to deal with loss and for someone like me who gets so easily attached even with things (case in point: my payong) it’s hard to keep going. However, I came to realize that even though I suffered from broken relationships, I still have people, some from the old life some from the new who will always be there for me no matter what. I’m just so freaking thankful to have these people huhu.

Well it feels good to nilay nilay sometimes. Back to war and hell next week but these nice thoughts will keep me smiling for the rest of the day I guess.

Asking Why

Every time we experience heartache, suffering or pain inflicted by another person, we would often ask “why” as if the answer will make the pain a little less. As if knowing why would give us closure, as if it would help us forgive easier, as if it will veer you away from self-destruction and blame. As if asking why is still relevant and it will make you heal faster.

When my friends sort of ganged up on me and forgot about how at one point I am this good person–their good friend and fired shots as if I am this really really horrible person without thinking of the pain they would feel have it been them who were in my position, I was so blown away I couldn’t react! Then slowly, it creeped under my skin then my heart felt like it was about to explode then my guts are all tangled and suddenly it was hard to breathe, I felt the gush of pain flow right into my veins and I want it to end, I want to stop it right away but as the days go by, it kept being more and more painful than it ever was to begin with.

You know the pain that makes you ask why? That’s the kind of pain I felt. I wanted so badly to justify their actions so I would be able to accept it. I was thinking to myself why I was being treated that way because in my eyes, everyone was at fault! So why did I have to suffer being blamed for all the actions we ever did when my actions just mirror theirs?

Then it hit me. There was no profound and acceptable answer as to why that happened.

I learned that trying to justify their actions toward me will not help me heal. That softie in me who wanted to justify, who wanted to feel that I deserved that is a dumb softie.

As months passed by and when my eyes were cleared from all the tears I have cried, I realized that nobody, not even me, not even them, deserves the kind of pain they inflicted. That deep down inside they know that what they did was so painful that if it were them who were in my shoes would probably go crazy. That maybe, they also wouldn’t know the answer, the exact answer as to WHY they have to inflict that pain on someone.

Then through and through, as I come to terms with trying my best to heal, I know that I would never, not in a million years will ever ever inflict that kind of pain to someone. Not ever. That even though I became so angry, even though I pitied myself time and again after the incident, I still learned to forgive. That even though what happened gave me strength and made me wiser, the pain will still resurface yet again but I just have to deal with it.

Maybe this happened to me, maybe God allowed this to happen to me because I was the strong one. Because he knows I could survive losing these people, because he knows a lot of other people will come in to my life and that these people will be 10 million times better than the ones that left. That maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t have had these people in the first place.

God and the universe has their way of taking things and people who are actually not meant to stay. The process is going to be really painful but come to think of it, you don’t lose people accidentally anyway. There’s got to be a meaningful answer as to why you lose them.

Are You A Ticking Time Bomb?

What to do when you are not happy but you can’t pinpoint the reason why you’re sad?

Have you ever felt like a ticking time bomb and you didn’t even know you are one until the point that you are just about to explode? I don’t know exactly why some of us are like that (I am included) but maybe there are a lot of factors like your environment, your background, how you were raised, your personality and the list goes on. So I can’t speak in general but I’d speak openly about myself and my own experiences.

If we are not in a social kind of setting (a party, a meet-up, a getaway, outing, gathering, reunions etc.) I normally am quiet, reserved, shy. I don’t look approachable either. I have this focused look on my face when I’m writing or reading, I don’t look at people, I don’t listen to what they’re saying unless they’re talking to me. I keep to myself a lot hence the twitter account (I speak the things I can’t say out loud on twitter so deal with it haha)

Over the past year, I have developed into having a friendlier face (still not friendly enough) but people still wonder if I’m mad, angry or going through something. I like to think a lot and I don’t say things outright. Delayed reaction ako lagi mga besh. I don’t comment or react instantly but when the situation sinks in, you’re in for a ride.

So in a nutshell, I keep to myself, I’m quiet and I don’t talk if I don’t have to but there are a lot of things going on in my head that once triggered, it’s either I’ll throw a fit, shut you out of my life or worst—give in to panic and anxiety. You see if you’re like me, a lot of emotions and feelings get bottled up inside so when I get upset, I don’t even know what exactly upsets me simply because I didn’t react right away or I didn’t deal with it the moment it happened. I have the tendency to shove it at the back of my head only to pop up right when my emotions are about to explode.

Now, here’s what I do to deal with things like this.

  1. Take a step back and listen to yourself. Talk yourself out to handling your emotions well by practicing to feel what needs to be felt at a given moment.
  2. If you feel like crying, cry it out. You don’t always need to understand why because it will only mess you up a little more.
  3. Once you’re calmer, try to analyse and understand yourself as to why you felt like crying or why are you upset. Evaluate what triggered you and what your actions should have been at that time.
  4. Take your time, being okay will not happen even if you already want to be okay.
  5. Get yo ass on to the mat and do yoga! (or meditate, do anything that helps relax your mind)

Last week I was so stressed out that I ate so many cookies and did yoga. I have to pay for the calories now so I’d go boxing but now I can’t because I spent so much on skin care again. Now I think I have to look for a new coping mechanism hahaha. This cookie and online shopping thing is bad. So bad. Hahaha

Hereditary: A Must Watch

If you are looking for a good review, something that you might actually want to read—this is not the place haha. I suck at reviewing things. I have the best intentions, I swear—like being able to help readers  get a glimpse of the experience from a book, movie, beauty product etc. but I just fail to create a helpful review!! I don’t even know how to review things so this is going to be another fail attempt that might probably get unpublished even after writing this but whatever. Let’s get to it!

If you got stressed out watching A Quiet Place, this is a notch higher!

The film Hereditary is an amazing horrifying film we never expected to exist up to this day. It’s about grief, family issues, mental illness and insert all sorts of dysfunctional, cringe-worthy, weirdo vibes. The movie will not spoon feed you, will not hand you the details right out. It will also not give you the cliché jump scares, scary faces and too much gore and blood but it will creep you out to the bones.

I guess it’s creepy like CRAZY because it draws you in through emotions. It makes you squirm to your seat from the littlest of details by how cringe-y this is going. It’s so eerie because you feel a whole lot of emotions the characters are feeling and you just have this dumb scared look on your face without the film needing to put aswang and ghosts and creepy creatures wandering. It looks so abnormally normal that you want to get the hell out of the cinema because of the legit goosebumps you’re having and quite frankly, I kept thinking to myself that this is not really scary but my heart is in my throat and I want to just disappear!

Towards the end of the film, that’s where the crazy shit starts to happen and no one, NO ONE is prepared for it. Everything just goes haywire from there and the big revelation is too fucked up for my life. Then the credits roll in and everyone is just left again with that dumb look on their faces, still scared as hell and ughhhh like my mind was all “what the fuck did I just watch????” seriously, even hours after the movie, I am still so fucking scared and jumpy and stressed out. It was so creepy and freaky that I had to pray solemnly 3 Our Fathers while on our way home because it was still that scary for me.

Now, this review is not a review but a showcase of how I felt so maybe this helps too? lmao

Now, I liked how this is such a smart horror film that didn’t use the typical scary sound effects and annoyingly scary random faces popping for about 3 seconds.

I rate this about 4.5 stars over 5! There are some plot holes and I’m confused whether I didn’t get that part or if it’s just so messed up. However, this is an effective horror film and I don’t believe I have seen anything as creepy as this film so go try to see this film and let me know what you think!