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Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

The Art of Deadma: Boss Edition

I can’t believe I’m talking about this because I am the last person I can think of that would “deadma” something especially if it would trigger so many feelings.

With everything that happened to me, I have learned how to control my emotions, to choose my battles, to know how I should react especially in stressful scenarios. It wasn’t easy but the moment I was able to get the hang of it, then all is well. Hence I have learned the art of deadma.

After the holidays, my boss gave everyone in our team his Christmas gift. Everyone had their gifts on top of their tables except me. Yup! You got that right, he didn’t bother giving me a gift. He left me out.

Had it happened a year ago, I would’ve bawled my eyes out. It would have hurt me so bad that I would overthink every single detail. I would make assumptions as to why he would have left me out! But now, I don’t care as much as I always did.

Whether his intentions would be to hurt me, to make me feel bothered or not, I don’t care. I wouldn’t give him the slightest satisfaction of seeing me hurt or affected and the good part is I am not even pretending to be unaffected!

Because last night, I was just thanking God for all the blessings he gave me. He answered my prayers especially when I asked him to grant me healing. I feel so blessed just by thinking about my family, friends and loved ones and that is enough to make me feel happy. I don’t need  gifts in fancy wrapping papers, I don’t need fake love. I got what I need and that’s enough.

So the art of deadma works well especially when you feel satisfied, happy and blessed beyond belief. Whoo!

Same Story, Different Perspective Part 2

The days have gone by and all I could do was write about my feelings. You all were there when I was so down and you knew what happened.

Now that I have moved on from it, I realized how important intentions are. I realized how it is good to figure out the intention or objective of someone when doing something so that you will understand what’s up. I mean if you know what the intention is, you would probably be more rational or understanding right? I don’t know if you get what I mean but that’s that. Hahahaha

Like maybe, if they knew that my intention was nothing but just simply saying what I had in mind and that it wasn’t meant to offend, that I am just really a blunt and a half insensitive nobody in their freaking right mind would be so angry.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this.

I have forgiven you already and I hope that you know what you did was wrong. What you did was cruel. You wanted people to hate me the way you did and so you had to hurt other people’s feelings just so you could succeed. I know it did make you a little happy and felt as though you have accomplished something but I also think that what victory and joy you felt did not last long. It couldn’t have lasted long because for sure you have realized that you made a big mess out of a small puddle. It wasn’t even supposed to be messy looking back. Hahaha. You made me look as if what I said were wrong, as if my comment of “dati naman na siyang maldita” was not true when in reality IT IS WHAT IT IS. The person I was pertaining to in that comment even admits to it (pero confused ako kasi nagalit din sya kahit na totoo naman and she was even proud of it so??? Di ko gets)

Everything is in the past now. You were calling me out for what you think is “betrayal” but what you did was the actual exact same thing! It’s funny how you can twist words and stories but I do hope you get really good sleep at night. Because I do. You know why? Because I figured my intentions were clear, I figured that though it may have been very wrong for me to speak so bluntly and insensitive, I never spoke of lies. I always always just described how I saw it. And now I know when to shut the fuck up, thanks to you being all twisty and stuff. I have learned that though my intentions were clear as crystal, people can twist my words and tell a different story from it. It’s so stupid that I am only realizing this now. Hayyyyy.

Oh well, all is good now.

I don’t have plans on being friends with these people anymore and it’s not painful, it’s all forgiven but it should all be left where it belongs—in the past.

Same Story, Different Perspective PART 1

I wrote a really long blog entry last night but I couldn’t find it anywhere in my laptop and I wanted to cry but whatever. Leche.

Intentions

It feels a lot easier to tell the story now that I have finally moved on. It’s like I am telling the story from a different perspective!

One of the favourite things I have learned and focused on from the emotional mess I have endured in the past were “intentions”.


It was the day after my 26th birthday. I was in a really happy mood especially that my best friend Gee and I agreed to have dinner at Eastwood after months of not seeing each other. I arrived at Mcdonald’s—our meeting place around 20 minutes earlier. While I wait for Gee, I ordered fries and Coke.

While waiting, an earthquake happened. I thought I was just dizzy but I saw how the tables and chairs swayed, people looked at each other with a bit of panic in their eyes. I stared down at my Coke and saw that though it wasn’t splashing, the black liquid is definitely moving. I held on to it knowing full well that it might spill if the earthquake decides to be more extra. After a good minute or 2, I messaged my friends. I was worried that something might have happened, I want to make sure they were fine. They said that they felt it too and that they’re okay.

Gee arrived and we headed to Bigoli’s. It used to be Fazoli’s, our ultimate fave back then. After eating, Gee had to run quick at the Globe center , something to do with her postpaid line I guess. So while waiting, I checked my phone. There was a message from K in the Group chat. She sent photos of wrecked buildings caused by the earthquake and then said “sana may nabagsakan nalang niyan eh” (translation: “I wish someone got hit by those”—pertaining to the building wreck) I knew instantly something was wrong. Then she suddenly sent a new message containing screenshots of old conversations as proof of my snide comments. My comments were not bad but it was bad enough to be exposed like that. I was trying to pacify the situation, admitting to what I said and apologizing if someone have found it offensive when being offensive wasn’t my intention. Maybe it was blunt and insensitive but what I said was true and it wasn’t meant to be mean! But somehow, my words were twisted and I was frustrated to further explain myself especially when no one was listening. By the time that everyone was just going crazy, I said my piece again that they were taking what I said the wrong way and still no one cares, I left the group chat.

I was hyperventilating. My world was spinning and I can’t even continue eating my chicken which of course had gone cold already. I can’t even drink. I was in shock!

I waited for Gee and told her what had happened, after dinner I went home and cried my eyes out to my mom. I told her everything that happened and I was ugly crying and I think I messaged Kyx too so he drove to my mom’s house and comforted me as well. They were also in shock that something like that had to happen, it was really petty! I was crying so much that my mom wanted to intervene. She wanted to call someone, the barangay, the cops, whatever. But I told her I need to do this on my own.

My mom’s eyes were super wide and she has this look of hurt in her face. She looked strong and at the same time helpless. She lit her Marlboro lights and puffed it while telling me how I should speak up for myself and don’t let these people talk to me in a very degrading way. (did I mention I was called a bitch, two faced friend et cetera haha)

I think I calmed down eventually but still in shock and I wasn’t able to sleep well that night. I was crying sooooo hard every minute it flashes back in my mind.

I never got to talk to these people after I left the group chat. At least not immediately.

Kwentuhan Tayo #2

Jusko naman, kwento ko lang last night yung moment of enlightenment ko ha. Kasi naman 2nd day palang into 2019 umiyak na ako kaagad, ano ba naman yan diba? Pero don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing. I was just really feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotional. Andiyan papasok bigla yung self-doubt at takot, napangungunahan ako ng ganitong thoughts kaya di ko kinakaya na napaiyak nalang ako hahaahhahha.

Sobrang bago kasi itong career change na ito para sa akin. Ang personality ko kasi is sanay ako sa routine. Sanay ako sa alam ko. Ako yung tipong pipiliin yung long travel na kabisado ko kaysa sa shortcut na hindi ako familiar. Ako yung uulit ulitin ang order sa paulit ulit na restaurant kasi ganon talaga ako. In short, hindi ako talaga sana sa taking risks, seeking the great perhaps and all that. Hindi ako sanay umalis sa comfort zone ko so this year ko yun gagawin and natatakot ako hahahah. Syempre normal lang naman siguro ang makaramdam ng ganitong emotion kaya hindi naman ako naiinis sa sarili ko. Isa pa, naiisip ko na sobrang mahihirapan ako kasi ibang iba talaga yung career path na tatahakin ko ngayon. Hindi siya ever sumagi sa utak ko na gagawin ko kahit kailan but here I am??? So paano diba? Kaya ko ba? Gusto ko sanang umatras, umurong, mag-BPO na lang ulit ako kasi mas alam ko kalakaran doon pero sabi ni Kyx kasi, ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Ngayon pa ba ako aatras eh andito na ako.

Feeling ko hindi ko kasi magagampanan ng mahusay yung position kaya lang ang nega ko naman kung ganon. So eto na:

  1. Sigurado ako, hindi ibibigay ni Lord sakin ito kung hindi ko kakayanin. Sabi nga nila, lahat ng challenges na binibigay sa iyo ay kaya mong malampasan. So kaya ko din siguro ito no?!
  2. Dapat paulit ulit kong isipin ano nga ba ang purpose ko why I started? Ano ba yung goal ko bakit ko ba ito kinuha. May deeper reason so dapat lagi kong balikbalikan yun.
  3. I fear that I won’t have enough time anymore for my family and friends dahil sa super busy na ng magiging work ko, kaya lang sometimes kailangan ng little sacrifices like this for a greater reason.

Ngayon naman kalmado na ako eh. Kagabi lang ako nagiinarte. Sige 2019, i-push natin ito!

Complicated

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are  trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

Top 5 Things 2018 Taught Me

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year.  It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

  1. No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
  2. Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
  3. I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
  4. I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
  5. LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.

I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤

Mini Goals for 2019

I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.

  1. One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy
  2. I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!
  3. I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.

Maybe I’ll add more to this list soon!