Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

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30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

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TFIOB 2nd Meet Up (Photo from Kuya Jheff)

Saturday, January 6, 2018 – TFIOB Meet Up Ver 2.0

Of course, since I have to work from 9am to 4pm, I can’t make it on time. OBVS.

Right after work, I asked my officemate/friend, Anne if she can help me and my late sorry ass to go to Gateway Cubao. There was this “hidden” pathway called Butas and from there, we rode a tricycle heading to Guadalupe and then we rode the MRT going to Cubao. It was a fun experience because I don’t get to do that very often and I learned a lot from that trip (I’ll write about it some other time) Basta ang hirap huminga sa loob ng MRT, I swear haha.

When I arrived at Banapple, Gateway Mall (where the meet up was held) almost everyone was there. I didn’t get to talk to them as intimately as I’d liked to but it was still a fun experience. Those whom I met at the first meet up grew closer to my heart and the ones I’m meeting for the first time made me look forward to the next meet up.

There are still a lot of other Filipino bloggers from TFIOB that I’m looking forward to meet and talk to in person. Hopefully on the next meet up, I’d be able to see everyone.

On this meet up, I was able to meet these wonderful people and we all have different blogging styles, topics, culture, backgrounds and means of living but one thing that I realized is that everyone of us clicks just about right! We were able to set aside our differences and ang saya lang talaga hahah.

I’ll talk about the amazing things I experienced and realized while I was with them.

  1. I realized that I went out of my way for this people because these are the people that helped me when I was down and I love to see them and be able to talk to them personally.
  2. They helped me to get the hell out of my shell. When I am with them, I am not quiet and just a tinee weeny bit shy. It’s like they’re pushing me to give my full potential when socializing.
  3. They are really wonderful people. Go meet a writer and you’d feel like they really understand you to the core ?? And if not, they’ll try to understand you. I can’t explain the feeling, but just the openness of everyone? It’s impeccable!

Here are the bloggers I have met! Visit their blogs and see for yourself how wonderful these people are.

  • Kuya Jheff – He’s the one who organized the meet up hehe. Probably the kindest person I have met. He’s very patient, honest and nice. I really like him as a person. He inspires me to be better.
  • Rhea – Met her on the first meet up but I was not able to really socialize with her until the second meet up. She’s this strong amazing woman and she inspires me to be closer to God. 😀
  • Jas – The ball of energy that she is, is amazing!! She’s the life of the party and there is no dull moment when you are with her.
  • Jonathan – met this guy on the first meet up but was not able to really know him well, the second time I met him, I realized he’s kind, funny and a great person!
  • Kuya Keso and Ate Chococake – I was able to meet their kids at the meet up and huhuhu they are family goals talaga! Haha
  • Aysa – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was late and she needs to go home early hehe. But just like how she is in her blog—natural, kind and maganda!
  • Ely – I was looking forward to meet this person! KAKAIBANG FEELING! I didn’t know that Ely will be going talaga sa meet up and nung nakita ko na siya, NATUWA TALAGA AKO HUHUHU!
  • Kate – I think I knew Kate from the blog even before I knew these people and I was so excited to see her. FINALLY. She’s this amazing person who helped me in my darkest days. Huhuhu coffee date please!
  • Sensei – I was not able to talk to her that much because I was seated far from her although I was able to socialize with her before the meet up through comments and blog reading hehe. I like her!
  • Grace – I met her before at a blogging event but she can’t remember me HAHAHA. She’s this cute woman, very friendly and nice too! Can’t wait to see her again.
  • James – He’s this cool guy and I think he’s easy to get along with. He’s also very nice!
  • Patrick – I was not able to talk to him personally because when I arrived he already left but then he came back so we were just talking in groups with him hehe.
  • Pajama – She’s very mysterious but she has this game lagi vibes.

Overall, it was a nice experience to be able to at least meet the people behind the blogs I read every day. I hope our other TFIOB friends will be able to join us next time! Really looking forward to meeting a lot more people from the blogging community. Kakatuwa!

Hopefully, makita ko na din si Space, Alona, Kat, Jolens, Amielle, Kuya Albert, Jhem, Aubrey, Mikay, Ate Joy, Gerry, Chamy, Left Pencil, Jasmine, Ica, Kris, CJ, Ricaella, Monch, Marts, Meg, Marj, Eca, Princess, Deb, No Juan is an Island, Jirah, Vi, Jen , Idol Wanderer at marami pang iba! ❤

These are the blogs they wrote about the meet up:

FIGHT LANG NG FIGHT!

*This post is written in Filipino*

Magmula Tuesday hanggang ngayon, Biyernes, late na ako talaga umaalis ng bahay namin. Ang bagal ko kumilos, ang dami kong hanash at seremonyas at kung ano ano pa. Inuuna ko magcheck ng FB messenger, twitter at makipagchika chikahan ng konti tapos tsaka palang ako iinom ng tsaa, tapos non, tsaka palang ako magsisimulang mag-Yoga.

Tsaa – Yoga – Ligo – Breakfast – Skincare – Bihis at Make Up ng Konti – tapos tsaka ako aalis.

Mga 3 minutes walk palabas ng (mini) village – abang tricycle – van papuntang office.

Ganyan ang eksena. Yung alarm ko, isang oras ko nasu-snooze kasi nagpapanggap ako na kaya kong bumangon before 6 pero before 7 talaga ako naguumpisa. Ang labo.

Pero ano ba talaga yung point ko ngayong araw na ito? Eto.

Sinubukan kong bilisan ang kilos. Imbes na 38 minutes ang yoga ko, 32 minutes lang siya kaninang umaga. Sinubukan kong magmadali sa abot ng aking makakaya pero saktong 9am pa rin ako lumabas ng pinto ng bahay namin. Hinatid ako ni mama sa labas ng village at nag-abang kami ng tricycle. Malapit lang naman kaso dun sa area na iyo n, talagang mabagal ang usad ng trapiko. Malala kaya nagka-counter flow yung mga tricycle (alam ko nakakainis hahaha pero napapabilis yung pagpasok ko sa opisina hahah pero wag talaga dapat mag-counterflow) so ayun na nga, yung nasakyan kong tricycle kanina, hindi masyadong nagka-counterflow yung driver. Takot at ilag sa blue boys (mga traffic enforcer sa area na yun) kaya ang tagal bago ako nakarating sa sakayan ng van papuntang Taguig. Halos magtetrenta minutos akong nasa trike pero iniisip ko nalang na mabilis lang naman biyahe ng van kaya keri lang. Pagdating ko dun, muntikan maging blockbuster yung pila. Nagmimeeting pa kasi yung mga van kung papaano sila babiyahe dahil may mga nanghuhuli daw na mmda (colorum yung ibang van kasi eh kaya ganyan, ‘wag niyo ako sisihin, walang ibang means of transportation talaga na maayos kaya hindi mo na masisi yung mga ganyang kabulastugan huehuehue) siguro mga limang minuto din akong nakapila, pero pinasakay na agad kami. Kaya lang sa mas matrapik na area dumaan yung driver. Sa isip isip ko, kapag nga naman kinant** ka ng kamalasan oo. Pero ayaw ko isipin na male-late ako. Positive lang tayo. Push lang tayo.

Nagtext ako sa ka-opisina ko at binilin ko na sabihan nya ako kapag may kalaban na. Alam na niya yun.

ANG BAGAAAAL ng usad. Ang bigat ng trapiko sa dinaanan ni kuya driver upang makaiwas na mahuli ang illegal na pagbabyahe niya, kaya naman nagdadasal talaga ako na sana umabot ako sa opisina.

Pagdating ko sa Taguig, limang minuto nalang ang nalalabi, tapos inabot pa ako ng STOP sa traffic light ng pedestrian kaya naghintay pa ako ng 2 minuto. Di na sana ako magmamadali kasi alam ko malelate na ako, wala nang pag-asa bat pa ako magmamadali eh ganon rin naman, late naman na. Kaya lang may parang bumubulong sakin na KAYA PA YAN! Kaya naman tinakbo ko na hanggang sa building namin (tatawid lang, building na namin ahahaha) tapos sa pagkant** ng kamalasan sakin, ang daming sumakay ng elevator tapos sa 35th floor ako bababa. HUSAY. AYOS. NICE.

Gusto ko mawalan ng pag-asa, gusto ko magtext sa ka-opisina ko na “brad, di na talaga ako aabot” pero parang may bumubulong kasi sakin na FIGHT! LABAN LANG!

Pagdating ko sa 35th floor, saktong 10am ako nag-in. Di ko alam kung hihiyaw ba ako sa tuwa na sa wakas hindi ako nagpa-ano sa kamalasan ngayong araw na to.

Araw araw may nangyayaring kabulastugan sa van eh. Naiiwan ko panyo ko, nadedelay umalis kasi naaaksidente, nasasabit sa mga kung san san yung van tapos lilipat ng van pero kahit ganon pa man, buong linggo akong sinubukang kant*t*n ng kamalasan pero natalo ko siya. Ako ang nag-wagi kasi bakit? Hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa eh. Kahit pakiramdam ko walang wala na, talo na ako, hindi ko pa rin inisip yon. Lumaban pa rin ako.

So ano talaga sinasabi ko at ano yung hanash sa pagkakahaba haba ng chinika ko?

Kahit pakiramdam mo na wala nang pag-asa, kahit naghuhumiyaw ang mundo sa iyo na wala na, talo ka na, kahit lahat ng mga signs andiyan na, kahit hinihintay nan g buong mundo na tigilan mo na, tantanan mo na at gumive up ka na, hangga’t kaya mo, ‘wag kang susuko. Kasi hangga’t walang resulta, hangga’t di mo nakikita, ‘wag mong pangunahan ang tadhana. Minsan akala mo lang talo ka na, ending may pag-asa pa pala. Diba? Kaya hangga’t kaya, LABAN!

 

Pam-Pa Good Vibes sa Umaga

After our Baguio trip, my mom hoarded succulents, cacti and other plants. Then almost a month of taking care of them, her cactus gave birth which she happily announced yesterday and this is how the conversation went.

Mom: Look at all of them!

Me: Guys, nanganak yung cactus ni mama!

Kuya: O? Cactus din ba yung anak?

Mom: Natural!

Mom: Ay sabagay ang tao nga nanganganak ng hayop eh. Teka nga ichecheck ko baka nanganak ng Gumamela.

Me:

Kuya:

Cactus:

Gumamela:

May point. HAHHAAHHA Sorry tawang tawa lang ako I can’t help but share!

My Year for The Lord

When I was looking at how my 2017 went, it was my 26th year on earth and it has many many tragic memories but I believe that with God’s grace, I am here and surviving all the pain and heartache I experienced that it got me to thinking that (yes I know, I feel so unworthy too but) I want to go back to serving the Lord and go to church regularly. I am praying that this year will be my year for the Lord and hopefully, I overcome this feeling of unworthiness of His love.

My heart says “just go!” but in time, I’d probably listen to it after I battle the feeling I’m feeling right now.

Kyx and I as we like to label ourselves—are firm believers of the Lord. However, we do nothing in church, we don’t even go to church regularly (we don’t go to church) simply because we have encountered so many church drama and problems that nawala ang amor namin. Although I shouldn’t blame whatever happened to the church or the people we are with but hindi maiwasan that feeling eh.

This year, I want to be close to God again. I mean I won’t go overboard na parang preacher na lagi (although there’s nothing wrong with that. Hindi lang siguro bagay kasi ang dami kong kasalanan ahaha) pero namimiss na siguro ako ng Diyos. Maybe he’s saying that huwag naman daw ako puro dasal lang. So when I’m brave enough, hopefully very soon, I’ll go and face the Lord again. One of these days talaga.

Pagdasal niyo naman ako oh. Pray for me. Thank you!

For now, after work, I’ll go out and meet several Filipino bloggers whom I met in wordpress. I AM ECSTATIC!

Thank You for Saving Me

This is probably the hundredth time I am writing this. I was actually about to post something like this yesterday after working so hard on it, but I feel like it’s filled with drama and grabe ako makaemote so I’m going to start all over again and we’ll see if this gets published.

How do you say thank you to people whom you have not met but were there for you any time of day when you needed them? How do you say thank you to the ones who have saved your life a couple dozens of times and they have not even seen you face to face? So here’s to you guys, to every single one of you who have been so helpful especially in times when I was in a dark dark place. Basically, everyone on my “Everyday Reads” and a couple more who have reached out to me one way or another. I wanted to post all the comments you left that really made a big impact in my life but there’s just so many that choosing only a couple from each person would not do it justice. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Every comment you left, every comforting words you shared with me when I was just about to pull that trigger (metaphorically ah. I don’t have a gun lol) helped me heal, helped me see the light, helped me think about things rationally.

I guess I wouldn’t be here, physically present, if it were not for people like you. Our simple conversations and exchange of thoughts mean a lot to me and I am hoping we continue to have this kind of relationship until the end of time. (see? Ang drama)

Also from spending time with me in hard times to enjoying with me in funny times (when I wrote the KyxAila serye haha) thank you so much.

Thank you for being there when no one else was.

7 Things for 2018

Looking back (again) at how my 2017 went, I’d like this year to be better and so I will make it better by starting to work on myself. I have a lot of issues with myself, my mental health, how I look physically, how I think, most of the time I’m toxic to my own self that it just makes things more complicated than it should. So here’s what I will strive to do and hopefully, mapanindigan ko.

  1. I will work on my relationship with God. Only a few people in my life would know that I’m a firm believer of God. I read the bible on a daily basis since I was a kid but on 2016 and 2017, I would just read it occasionally because I grew so busy with work and life and that’s not very nice. Though I don’t and will not act very godly ‘cause ya know, I keep it real and say bad words and think bad thoughts, I will try my hardest to work on that.
  2. I will not let my depression and anxiety hold me back. It’s all I ever did in 2017 and it was a bit late when I found myself trying to fix what I broke—myself. So this year, I will not let it come bite me in the ass again like it did last year. I’ll practice to be stronger!
  3. I will work hard on keeping myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
  4. I plan on spending more time with family and friends—my dad included. I have not been spending time with them because (only a few would totally get me) but in reality, I would spend time in my room without having to interact with anyone unless really needed. I spend a lot of time recharging because when I need to be social, I’m this ball of energy and it’s so draining afterwards. So this time, I will go out there (more than I did heh)!
  5. I will work on my temper. I have a very bad temper and it takes a lot to work on that but I am trying my best to be less psycho (especially with Kyx)
  6. I will keep my mouth shut when I know I wouldn’t have anything nice to say. I have learned that shutting up saves me from a lot of horrible experiences jusko!
  7. I will keep thinking about “what is this teaching me” in scenarios so I would not lose my shit.

Save yourself the trouble and let’s have a hopefully, happy 2018 year ahead. Life is short so whatever we can do kindly and nicely, let’s do it. Live unapologetically, live with faith in yourself while being thoughtful and kind to everyone.

Hello!

There are a lot of things going on in my life lately that I didn’t even have a chance to greet everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Or maybe, ayoko kasing magpabebe na bumati pero hindi naman ako festive talaga tapos napipilitan lang. Kaya hindi nalang din.

I realized that on Christmas Day and on the first day of 2018, I was crying my eyes out. What a way to celebrate right? Soooo emotional. Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed the holidays spent with family and friends. ❤

I am trying so hard to write about everything that’s been happening but I just can’t bring myself to finish whatever blog post I started and it’s so frustrating. I guess, I’m on a writing slump or there’s just a lot going on that I can’t help but feel so shitty.

**tagalog incoming**

Over the past months kasi ang daming ganap diba, ang daming hanash ng mundo tapos kailangan ko lang mag-keep up kasi hindi naman talaga titigil ang mundo sa pag-ikot dahil sa kalungkutan ko at mga kung ano anong nararamdaman. Hindi maganda yung family set-up namin kasi may mga hindi magandang nasabi na hindi mo maintindihan bakit nasabi. Basta ang sakin lang, kapag ganyan ang isang anak sa magulang, kailangan niya sigurong mag-isip isip. Mag-reflect at magpakumbaba. Tapos sa side naman  ng papa ko diba namatayan kami so ano ba diba, sobrang nakakalungkot yon. Ni hindi naman ako makauwi kasi walang bakasyon bakasyon dito sa office namin tapos death anniversary ng kapatid ng mama ko nung nag-Baguio kami. Sa likod ng masasayang larawan, nakalakip doon yung mga lungkot na dinadala namin. Hindi naman ako nagpapanggap na masaya, gusto ko lang klaruhin na hindi lahat ng mga nakikita nating nakapost sa social media ay bunga ng pagpapasarap sa buhay. May mga storya sa likod nito na nakakadurog ng puso. Sobra kong frustrated talaga kasi ilang pasko na ba kami ganito diba? Lagi nalang. Tuwing magmomove on kami, madadagdagan ng kalechehan.

Nung bisperas ng bagong taon, nagdinner kami sa bahay ng tita namin at dun na rin naming sinalubong ang bagong taon ng maraming pagkain at wine. NKKLK.

Bagong Taon naman ay reunion sa side ng lola ko. Masaya lagi doon kahit simple lang. Favorite ko ang January 1 dahil nakakasama ko ang pamilya namin sa side ng lola ko.

Masaya na malungkot. Masaya kasi ang dami daming bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat, pero nakakalungkot dahil may mga pangyayari na hindi mo talaga maiiwasan. Nasaktuhan lang na wrong timing.

Kaya ayan ngayon. Hindi ako masyado nagkakakausap ng mga tao, hindi ako masyadong nakikipagkwentuhan kasi lalabas lang yung lungkot ko, makakahawa lang ako ng ka-negahan. Tapos may mga bagay din na hindi ko naman alam paano pa sasabihin at ikukwento kasi yung ganitong mga bagay, kailangan ko lang talagang tanggapin eh. Walang formula, walang kailangang opinyon kung papaano ko makakayanan to kasi ako lang din mismo ang makaka-solve nito sa sarili ko. Sad. Hahahah.

Kaya pasensya na kung hindi ako masyadong nagrereply o hindi ako masyadong nakikipagusap. Ganon lang talaga ako. Coping mechanism ko siguro ang mapagisa kung minsan.