Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

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30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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May 19 – 20

I have yet to put the pictures on the stuff I have drafted (marami sila) but I have yet to post it because I want to add the pictures already but I didn’t have the time to do that yesterday! -_-

So today, let me update you with my weekend as if it was interesting enough hahaha.

Saturday – we had no plans so I was just really looking forward to taking a nap once I get home but since Kyx had a meeting with his officemates at Glorietta and he’s thinking that since he’s already out of the house, why not grab some dinner with his friends and me. So After his meeting and late lunch, he picked me up at 4pm. We’re waiting for King and Jerome so we had ice cream first and I bought a book at fullybooked (I swore I wouldn’t buy anything but I can’t be trusted inside a bookstore so..)

After that, we met up with King and Jerome at Mendokoro. I think we learned about Mendokoro 2 years ago when we were searching for the best ramen in the Philippines (Sorry Mendokoro but Ippudo is still our number one) and we loved their Super Chashu. Also a side note, ever since Ellen Adarna’s issue, the waiting time went on for more than 4 hours! (the longest we had to wait back then was a maximum of an hour hay)

Anywaaaaayyyyyy, we got there at 7pm and since the wait is taking forever, we walked to the nearest 7-11 and stayed there for about an hour. When we got back, we waited for another hour. Haaaay haahha. The ramen is good nonetheless. Kyx and I just shared a bowl and ordered 3 pieces of Gyoza and right after dinner, we all went home!

Sunday – woke up early because Airah and I would go to church. Digs dropped us off and after church, we met up with Kyx and Rubs. We ate late lunch at Ippudo (I love you, Ippudo) and met up with Aki and Vannessa for Deadpool 2. We enjoyed the movie and had coffee after. I love hanging out with these people even for just a few hours because they’re like the realest friends ever!

Nothing really fancy about my weekend. It’s just worth sharing because I really had a nice time!


Currently Watching: Haikyuu!! and The Kissing Booth

Currently Reading: Stay Sweet, Crazy Rich China Girl Friend and Genuine Fraud

 

I Just Got Used To It

I don’t know how long this post will be because I am not really thinking properly, I just want a raw out-pour of what is going on in my mind right now.

Since 2018 started, I am feeling very positive that this will be the year, my year for the Lord.  And with that, this year will also be the year of Healing, moving on, letting go and forgiveness. So let me share with you, the unfiltered process of how I got here.

It was one year and a month ago and probably some couple of days and minutes and seconds. I can still clearly remember every single thing. From the petty and mean words I am told to how my heart was broken and my soul torn into pieces. I can still remember clearly how I have to suck it in day and night, grasp all the energy and sturdy things I could get a hold of onto because I was in a very fragile state but I don’t want my loved ones, the people supporting me, to see that I am giving up on myself. I trusted the process and the stages of grief but it wasn’t easy as cake. It was hella terrible because:

  • I can’t wrap the idea around my head that it is all over. Gone and done. Bye.
  • I keep asking how it is THAT easy for these people to throw me under the bus and not hear me out and not talk to me properly and just give me a chance like they gave each other chances. I think I pretty much deserve a chance as well didn’t I?
  • I keep replaying over and over and over again what happened and to be honest, it is still very painful but I’d probably give in and give them a chance when they asked for it. Nobody asked. Nobody wanted it. Nobody felt that they needed to apologize for the pain they have caused me.
  • I keep apologizing for the mistakes I did and I was really really really (sorry for using too many “reallys” to think I’m actually a writer and this happens? Lol) really really sorry for everything, every pain I may have caused but no one ever thought of the pain they may have caused.
  • I felt like it was very easy for them because you know what, no one even tried blocking me off of their social media. HAHA. It’s as if it’s okay for them to see me without them in my life. It’s like it wouldn’t make them feel bad remembering me. No bitter taste in their mouths in the mention of my name. It’s like I still exist but they could care less. HOW??? Cause I can’t even begin to try being around them even on social media because I wanted to move on.

The list goes on and on. There were so many things running in my mind that time and I’m so emotionally stressed out and burdened by them all so I had to run really far and fast.

As I was running, I found pieces of me. Gems hidden in stony ugly places. Hard to reach branches and steep cliff-y places. Then I found people I can be myself with.

I clung on to the people who love me still despite everything else. I clung on to God.

I worked harder. I was in the office from 9am until 11pm.

If I wasn’t working overtime, I worked my ass off in boxing or when I feel really tired, I’d do Yoga.

There was so much going back and forth. Being able to move forward then taking 2 steps backward. It was such a long process and along the way, I have learned and grew so much!

I had no idea, that the things that made it hard for me to move forward are the same exact things that made me realize how I need to move on and let go. (the bulleted ones I wrote on top) that these are even the reasons why I need to let these people go. Because..

  • It was easy for them to drop me like a hot tamale
  • It was easier to not give me a chance than trying to fix everything
  • That they weren’t even sorry at all!
  • That they can live with the fact that they can see me like nothing happened.

Exactly. Why. I. Need. To. Let. Go.

And again, I have moved on from that already. I no longer feel anger. I have tamed the pain. But I realized today that it will always always always still be so painful. I just got used to it.


Featured image not mine; got it from Google.

 

A year ago, A friend, A quote

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha

A Small Act of Rudeness Doesn’t Go Unnoticed As Well

They always say that small acts of kindness never go unnoticed. I say, a small act of rudeness, meanness and anything bad—big or small, do not go unnoticed as well. Some people just don’t let themselves get affected by these things especially if it’s really petty but you’ll never know. There are people who would rather keep their mouths shut and not give you the satisfaction to get a tiny bit of reaction from them but everything is mentally noted, remembered and may even be engraved!

There are many instances wherein some people would treat me badly disguising their BS as a joke even if I don’t find it funny. Often times, I feel so attacked but I don’t react or even rant about it anymore because I just don’t feel that it’s worth a single second of my time but to be honest, it still affects me. I don’t let them see it though.

Before everything else, all the drama I had to deal with a year ago, I was working on being a person who is not reactive. I would often easily let my wall crumble down and be on my guard, defending myself no matter how unworthy the situation is. On my journey of changing my ways, I stumbled upon Mart’s blog post. I remember him talking about building a strong wall..wait let me find it. (I found it after about 3 minutes!! Whoo! Hi, Marts. Naalala ko pa ang sinulat mo. Maraming salamat. Tumatak sakin ‘to) what hit me most is the quote he included on his entry from the bible “a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” it was really really helpful especially in the times when I am trying to work on bettering myself. So I tried to make my walls strong. I don’t get a simple thing irritate me so much (although sometimes, I resort to my twitter account especially when I’m outraged lol) but in reality, I cool myself down instead of making patol.

So what I’m getting at is that some people, they do have strong and high walls that’s why you never see them react to your BS but that doesn’t mean they do not know what you’re doing.

After writing this, I went back and read what Marts wrote and I am proud to say that his written work is one of the things that helped me strengthen my wall. Although I need more practice kasi I don’t let my walls get broken down pero I still feel sick in my stomach when there are people who are being rude or mean. So siguro, my façade is stronger but I’m still soft inside in spots that needs to be tough.

Pero anyway, ending this with a note:

May mga taong hindi lang nagsasalita pero nasasaktan din. ‘Wag abuso.

Slow Saturday

This is one of the slow Saturday work days and I am not having it at all. All I can think about is how I’d rather just watch Haikyuu!! at home and not have to deal with working today. It should really start to be illegal not to have 2 days off. I swear.

Anyway, what do I have to write about today? Oh yeah, I made about 3 drafts of things I will be posting later so that’s something. Now, I am wanting to write about how I currently feel while uncomfortable sitting almost beside somebody (that I don’t actually feel comfortable with hence the adjective so why do I need to write this sentence anyway hahaha) but I’d rather not because then I’d just absorb the negativity he brings upon me hehe.

Last night, our weekly meeting was cancelled (hurrah!) so I was able to get out of the office earlier than most Fridays. Kyx and Dax (our shih tzu) picked me up from the office then we went straight to mom’s house to bring the Papaya Kyx’s mom wanted to give my mom. I also took some of my stuff like clothes and yoga mat from mom’s house cause I will be spending Friday night until Monday night at Kyx’s. We went home and ate dinner with Kyx’s mom and nephew. I loved the chicken steak his mom cooks so I ate a full cup of rice!!! (I am not to eat dinner anymore since I have not been losing weight after my Palawan trip but it’s so hard to resist that Chicken steak meal!)

After dinner, I realized I left my hormonal pills at mom’s house so Kyx and I drove back and took them pills. When we got home, we both watched 2 episodes of Haikyuu!! and by 10:30pm, I was knocked out!

Wait???? 10:30 on a Friday night I was already sleeping????? Maybe I was just so tired for the past days. Emotionally and mentally tired. I’m glad I got to sleep well though. How was your Friday night and how did you spend it? I want to know! 🙂


*Haikyuu!! is really written with 2 exclamation points so don’t think I’m yelling every time I mention it,
* I am counting the minutes until lunch break so I can finally breathe some fresh air.
* I think I am PMSing today because I really feel like the office is giving me negative vibes when it’s just normal I think ? ay ewan!

Healed, Hopeful and Happy

After a year, now what?

Finally being able to move on took a long year to take place but what’s so good about it is that my heart has fully healed and I am way past remembering how painful it was for me a year ago.

If you’re new to this blog of mine (as if talaga may new people reading haha) here’s what happened to me, choose from the links or read everything if you want but I swear it was a totally different person writing it. I can’t even remember myself feeling all those emotions. ANG BIGAT before grabe. Anyway, I was filled with so much anger and hatred that finding peace, forgiveness and love sounded impossible. I just kept writing about it though (kahit pauilit ulit)

I wrote about how I am trying to move on, how one day I am happy and the next day I remember everything and I break down and cry. I wrote all about the cycle of seeking closure and failing. I wrote about how I found comfort from my family, Kyx, some friends and my TFIOB family. I wrote about expanding the world I live in. When I look back, I am seeing just now how the universe and God played a huge part with my healing. It was a long gruelling process and it wasn’t a very pretty thing to go through but here I am, all fixed, healed, hopeful and happy!

Healed – I forgave and let go of everyone who hurt me one way or another. I don’t bother anymore whether they remember all the good things I ever did to them, I don’t feel bad anymore. Hindi na ako nanghihinayang. My mom said (no offense lang if may matatamaan) hindi kailangang panghinayangan ang mga ganoong klaseng tao. I believe her. It’s not as if I didn’t feel bad losing these people. It’s just that the way things have ended, I wouldn’t ever do that to someone I love. I mean I wouldn’t break them how they broke me. But like I said, I don’t have ill feelings anymore towards these people. I don’t feel bad for myself anymore. It’s as if I have gained more from the loss.

Hopeful – Since letting go and forgiving these people, I am hopeful that somehow, they have also forgiven me for the pain I have caused them. Though I am not downplaying what I did, but what I did wasn’t directly and intentional. But I am acknowledging that it would have really been painful as well if it was the other way around. I am hopeful that ever since new doors and blessings rained, I have opened myself more to new things and new people. It helped me grow!

Happy – I am in a happy place now. I have forgiven myself as well from the things I blamed myself for. I realized the wrong things I have been doing and changed my ways. I learned a lot of things and with that I am truly grateful!

Me Time

Blog readers aka blogging friends and some of you guys who randomly visit my page may know that I haven’t been writing as much as I was a year ago. I’m going to be honest and I guess you guys deserve an explanation (I think I explained it before but not thoroughly)

  • Work is toxic ever since December but it became super kaduper toxic when 2018 started and it only got worst. March was the start of me—being miserable. I work late, I work on my day offs, I work at home and it’s a sad sad feeling although I don’t have a choice because if I delay working on stuff, I will also be the one who suffers in the end. I swear it’s so toxic right now. Mas toxic pa compared to kapag kumain ako ng pulbura at asido.
  • I have been trying to work on myself. There are a lot of things about me that I need to work on. My physical, mental and emotional health. Since April 2017, I developed bad acne. It was the first time I experienced it and it was all triggered by a stressful event in my life followed by allergies and whatnot. After acne problems, I gained SO MUCH weight as in umabot ako sa 71kg!!! It’s insane. So I had to go on a strict diet (that I still can’t even maintain until now) I am a yogi (haven’t done yoga for 3 weeks, I am so guilty). On October 2017, I tried Herbalife (still taking Herbalife products) and I must say it helped a lot jumpstart my weight loss but it hasn’t done much since I am not maintaining a strict diet. Then by March 2017 (I think) I started boxing at Elorde. I managed to maintain the weight I am in (I have lost 2-3kg I think ever since Herbalife and boxing) but I still need to work harder though. For mental and emotional health, as much as I can, I avoid human interaction that will overwhelm me. I am an INFJ (but let’s not blame my personality type lol) so I don’t mesh well with big crowds, I try my hardest to join in conversations and whatnot but in the end, I get so drained or I get lost in the middle of the conversation. It’s nothing personal and my friends can attest to that. I just don’t do well enough in human interaction on a regular basis, that’s all. I mean I am not anti-social, don’t get me wrong. I just need time to energize myself so that I can give my 100% afterwards. Heh.
  • I spend a good amount of time on twitter (and on IG) so you can go follow me there (twitter: xoxthea ; IG: xoxaila) instead. I interact with no problems in that universe.
  • I also spend a good amount of my time watching anime and reading books. I am currently watching Haikyuu!! And reading Stay Sweet (I finished Crazy Rich Asians and Idk what to feel about the book. ) after watching and reading, I don’t have enough time to write. Huhu
  • I also focused on my bullet journal although it’s not even instagrammable like may bu-journalists out there but I love creating my own minimalist layouts so that’s one thing.
  • On another note, I felt uninspired lately. Maybe because I was already too drained at work to even feel sunshine-y about writing cause that’s what I do on a daily basis for work. Huuu

I guess that’s it! I have just been too caught up with life that I have not been writing. But ya know, I try my best anyway. I’ll keep trying.