Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

30 Day Writing Challenge

I shall try this! Hmmm

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30 day writing challenge

Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.

The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.

A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.

This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.

It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…

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Realizations Yet Again

One of the many good things I have learned through the course of brokenness, losing people and heartache is that, I’m actually done with bullshit. Yes, I’m done with my own bullshit, I’m done with other people’s bullshit. I’m basically just here to spend a good amount of time to enjoy life and appreciate all the good and bad things it has to offer.

I’m done wanting long messages from people. I no longer require a litany of comforting words. I’m long past the promises of “I’ll be there for you no matter what” because like I’ve said soooo many times before, this is the “no matter what” but where are they anyway?

 I’ve appreciated and I’ve seen sincerity in short sentences. I no longer find the need for grandiosity. A simple yet sincere “thank you” is more than enough for me to know that my worth is so much more than I have given myself credit for.

Share Ko Lang: Tulong

Pang ilan draft na to, simula Biyernes sinusulat ko na ito hindi ko pa rin magawang matapos o magawa ng maayos. Ayoko kasing magmukang nagpipreach, o mukang nagpapabebe. Gusto ko lang naman kasing sabihin kung ano yung nararamdaman ng puso ko lalo na nung nangyari ‘to. Gusto ko kasi sana, kung may makabasa nito na ito yung kailangan nila, sana makatulong o makainspire kahit papano.

Ganito kasi yan. Sa tanan buhay ko nakailang beses na siguro yung mayaman kami tapos bigla kaming maghihirap tapos babangon ulit tapos magdudusa ulit tapos babangon nanaman. Nakailang ganyan na kami pero hindi pa rin nababaliw yung nanay ko. Masaya pa rin kaming pamilya in general kaya naman napatunayan ko na yung ang buhay ay minsan nasa ibabaw ka, minsan nasa ilalim ka. Legit yan. Hindi kami nakaranas na permanent kaming nasa taas at permanent kaming nasa baba. Parang gulong lang, gumugulong lang yung mga nangyayari kaya sa awa naman ng Diyos, ang dami kong natutunan at mas pinatatag pa ako ng panahon. YAHOO!

Kaya sa mga ganyang karanasan, lumaki kaming matulungin ng mga kapatid ko. Ngayon, masasabi ko na ang estado naming ay sakto lang. Hindi kami mayamang mayaman, hindi rin naman kami naghihirap ng husto pero tight lang ang budget. Kumbaga ang mga pwedeng makapaghintay na mga bagay, kailangan maghintay. Kagaya ng bagong cellphone, kotse, bahay at mga kung ano ano pa. Ganon lang kami ngayon, kung may matitira sa budget ay hindi naman kalakihan pero proud ako na kahit ganoon pa man, nakakatulong kami sa mas kapos sa amin.

Ang haba na, pano ko ba ito ishoshort cut? Bahala na.

Nung gabi ng October 17, nagmessage sakin si Kuya Theo (nasa Dubai siya) at tinatanong niya ako kung meron daw ba akong extrang pera na maaaring maipahiram sa kamag anak namin na lumalapit sakanya. Kailangang kailangan na daw kasi tapos kung magpapadala siya, hapon pa kinabukasan papasok ang pera. Hindi naman ako nagdalawang isip, tinanong ko lang siya kung magkano gawa ng hindi rin naman karamihan ang extra kong pera. Kagaya nga ng sinabi ko, tight talaga ang budget para makaraos sa isang buwan diba?

Buti naman eh hindi din kalakihan. Hindi lumampas ng limang libo, kaya madali ko rin naman nahugot. Minessage ko na kaagad yung Tita namin na nanghihingi ng tulong at sinabi kong pwede na niyang kunin ang pera dahil nasa bahay naman na ako.

Ilang minuto ko lang din siyang hinintay. Pagdating niya, sinabihan niya ang tricycle na nagsakay sakanya na kung maaaring hintayin siya. Pinapakain siya ni mama ng hapunan pero wag na daw kasi naghihintay nga ang tricycle driver sakanya. Nung maupo sya sa sofa, inabot ko na agad yung perang kailangan niya. Mapuputulan na daw kasi sila ng kuryente at wala nang ibang malapitan. Hindi niya na napigilang mapaiyak, kaya hindi na kami masyado nagsalita pa. Sabi ko nalang sakanya eh okay lang yun. Sabi niya makakabayad na sila ng kuryente at makakabili ng bigas. “sa wakas!” parang biglang nadurog yung puso ko sa “sa wakas!” na sinabi niya, parang ang sakit sa akin na maski bigas eh hindi pala sila makabili. Nung sumakay na ulit siya sa tricycle, hinabol ko at inabutan ng dagdag. Para naman makabili ng pang ulam at kung ano ano pa.

Yun nalang ang laman ng wallet ko. Naibigay ko na lahat. Kaya pag alis ng tita ko, sinabi ko agad kay mama “so ano, may pera ka pa ba ma? Wala na ako pamasahe bukas” sabay hagalpak kami ng tawa.

Maya maya lang may message na agad yung tita ko. Nobela. Ang daming sinabi, habang binabasa ko sumasakit lalamunan ko sa pagpipigil ng luha. Nakakaiyak. Sinabi niyang ang laking tulong daw kasi ng ginawa namin ng kuya ko.

Nung gabing yun, kahit wala akong pera, nakatulog naman ako ng maayos. Mas hindi ko kakayanin kung hindi sila makakabili ng bigas at mapuputulan ng kuryente.

Di ko naman sinasabing wag magtira, meron pa naman akong naitatabi hindi ko lang nawithdraw kaya wala akong pera na hahahaha pero bilang tight na ang budget lalo pang naging tight, talagang kailangan ko pang magdagdag sa pagtitipid. Pero mas okay na ito diba?

Hindi kami mayaman pero mayaman kami sa pagmamahal at pagmamalasakit. Sana wag nating ipagkait kung ano yung tulong na pwede nating ibigay kapag may nangangailangan.

Let It Go, Let It Gooooo

Idk if it’s just me or being an INFJ has something to do with my hunt for reasons and meaning. It actually benefits me by giving me the peace of mind when I finally find answers to my questions but I realized that it’s unhealthy. It gives me the anxiety, it makes me overthink, it makes me worry about things I shouldn’t even think about in the first place!

My brother Altheo once told me over a cup of coffee that not everything has a meaning, not everything needs a reason behind it and sometimes we just have to let things be the way it is. Hindi lahat may rason, may eksplanasyon, may ibig sabihin. I was just asking him about the meaning of my favourite song called Soon by Moonpools and Caterpillars. (Listen to the song. They’re a Fil-Am band from the 90s’)

I found it hard to understand. Until now I feel so attacked (HAHAHA MAGAMIT KO LANG YUNG ‘ATTACKED’) and conflicted with the fact that maybe my brother is right, maybe we put meaning and find reasons on things when we should just let it be (?) I live for reasons and meanings and all that crap so how the hell can things be just as it is? How can a “hello” just be a hello without a meaning attached to it? How does the song Soon with lyrics such as “then one day soon it’s gonna happen to you and when it does, it won’t be pretty” could be meaningless? How can it be just a song without a story behind it? I can’t quite piece it for my own good but you see, maybe that’s life.

Maybe we should just freaking stop putting meaning and finding reasons, maybe we should be able to learn to let go and leave things the way it is?

#KyxAila S05E03: Ano Na Kyah?!

Sobrang haba na gusto ko nang tapusin hahaha.


After ng masalimuot na conversation namin tungkol sa crush niya or ex crush niya, parang gusto ko nalang mabaliw kasi bwiset eh. Nag-invest nanaman ako ng feelings sa kanya tapos parang nalalasahan ko na yung success tapos biglang ang alat nanaman tengene.

Hindi ako nagpatinag, kunyari wala akong pakielam. Deep inside bwisit na bwisit ako sakanya. Take note, hindi na ako ang nauunang magmessage, hinihintay ko talaga syang magmessage muna and kaya naman nakakatuwa eh talagang nagmemessage na sya kahit hindi ako nagmemessage na una bwahahah. At this point kasi, alam ko namang MU na kami tapos ganyan? So may karapatan na akong magpabebe diba.

Kung gusto niya man akong tanungin ulit kung galit ako dahil sa mga nakwento niya, hindi niya na ginawa. Siguro nakikiramdam siya. Nagdadasal naman ako sa panginoon na sana eto na, sana yung kilig ko eh wag na bawiin.

Naiinis pa rin ako sa kinwento niya. Hindi naman na daw niya crush pero… KAASAR.

Pero para sa insekyorang palakang immature na kagaya ko, tinignan ko yung FB ni crush niya. Ang sheket kasi wala akong malait sakanya. Maganda tapos halata mong mabait. Hindi maldita tsaka mukang pleasant na tao talaga. Ang saya saya diba.

Kaya ang tanging nagawa ko nalang eh magdasal hahaha.

LORD PAGANDAHIN NIYO PA AKO PARA MAKABOG KO NAMAN SI GURLA 😥 

Please lang naman talaga Lord oh. Please. Mabait naman akong anak sa mama ko, mabait akong kapatid, mabait talaga ako in general so ibigay mo na sakin ito hahahah pero no pressure Lord pramis, ano ba naman yung another 7 years diba. Char! Pero baka naman kahit hindi pa ngayon eh pwede mo po ako ma-assure na dizizit sana. Pero sige, no pressure talaga Lord di naman ako demanding huhuhuhu

Until then inisip ko nalang na whatever, sige, go with the flow tayo. Linggo linggo nga kaming lumalabas, may pag holding hands na din kami minsan pero walang label. Ayoko ng walang label kaya isang linggo yata akong nagdadasal na sana naman magkaroon na kami ng label!

Isang gabi, bago siya pumunta sa exhibit ng kaibigan niya, nagdinner muna kami sa Mega Mall.

A: Musta naman yung crush mo sa office?

K: Ha? Wala na yun.

Wait, what? Wala na??? (Biglang lumiwanag yung buhay ko.)

K: Crush lang naman kasi yun tsaka may bf na siya.

A: Ah ganon ba. Nalungkot ka?

K: Nung una lang yun, tapos nung naguusap na tayo, nung nagmovie tayo tapos nung tayo na, masaya na ako ulit. Teka, tayo na ba?

A: Ha???

Teka teka teka. ANO??? ANO YUN????? TAYO NA??????

Hanepppp!

Tengene matapos mo pasikipin dibdib ko?!?!?!!?

GUYSH, KAMI NA DAW BA?

Being Reactive

For a long time, I am a reactive person, a patola and someone who can’t let things go very easily. In short, hindi talaga ako madaling makamove on from simple yet irritating things. A side comment can drive me nuts and push me over the edge. I get so worked up on trivial things and pour my energy, stress myself more than I should and even if I keep realizing how wrong this is, how I should control myself, my temper and the way I react over things—I keep going back to the cycle. The cycle wherein I can’t allow people to trample over my point and to have my point across all the freaking time. Aside from this is very stressful, it’s also tad bit toxic!

So when I came across what Marts have written, I was again, back to realizing things.

Like how to change my way of living when it comes to reacting, controlling myself and strengthening my walls. I remind myself on a daily basis to keep my walls up and strong! Though easier said than done, with lots of practice, I think I can do it.

I also realized na mas okay palampasin ang mga bagay na wala namang bearing sa ating kaunlaran at pagkatao. That’s why I look up to my mom and Kyx so much when it comes to these things. Sila yung mga taong kilala kong hindi agad natitibag ang mga walls. They can keep calm when everything is turning upside down. Hindi sila mabilis matrigger ng mga shit sa mundo. Mga bagay na nakakaasar. They don’t even waste their time and energy on things so trivial. They shrug it off and go on with their lives, ganyan sila. I wish I can be like that also. Yung walang masyadong hanash.

Someone Tell Me

When it comes to healing, moving on and letting go

Why do we need closure, why do we seek and crave for it? And why, despite knowing that this is probably common and needed, people do not give it to you?

Why do we need to hear whether we are forgiven or not, why do we need to be put into place? Why do we need to know these things?

Why despite the chances of hearing and knowing the bad things they have to say, we still want to hear it anyway?

Someone tell me. Seriously. I need to be enlightened.

S05E02: Crush Pa More!

Dahil hindi ako matahimik, kailangan kong tapangan ang hiya ko at kausapin siya tungkol sa crush niya.

Inner Tita: Gurl, gowww. Kaya mo yan. Pero ano ha, chill ka lang ah. Relak relak lang sa pagtatanong. Wag kang ma-agit ah.

Whooo. Hinanda ko talaga ng maigi ang sarili ko. Kailangan cool lang ako, kailangan kahit may kurot sa puso, kahit mesheket kailangan kunyari walang ganap sa kin at dapat hindi ako magmukang apektado. Ayoko magmukang feelingerang selosa kaya sige gowwww.


Ako: So pano yun? Pano ka umamin sa feelings mo?

Kyx: Wala. Sinabi ko lang sakanya.

A: Pano mo sinabi?

mahinahon boses ko pero deep inside nanginginig laman ko kasi SINABI MO LANG??? GANON LANG?? PERO SAKIN NEVER MO NAGAWA YUN?

K: Lagi kasi kami magkausap nun sa chat eh.

LAGI DIN NAMAN TAYONG MAGKAUSAP EH. HANGAL KA BA???

A: O tapos?

K: Ayun, sinabi ko lang “Lamo ba, gusto kita”

WAWWWW KYAH WAWWW MEDYO MAGALING KA SA PART NA YAN AH. ASAN ANG KATORPEHAN MO WORTH 7 YEARS?????! GAGO P*TA.

A: O tapos? Ano sabi niya?

By this point iritang irita na ako pero nakasmile ako tsaka chill lang. Hindi halata na gusto ko siya biglang dambahin at sakalin eh.

K: Nagulat tapos nag thank you lang hahahahahah

HAHAHAHAHAHA BUTI NGA SAYO!!!! HAAHAHAHAH

A: Ouch. He he he he. Eh ano ginawa mo? Ano nafeel mo?

K: Wala naman. Okay lang naman. Ang goal ko lang naman is masabi sakanya.

Masaya na ako pero may pa-goal goal pa, tse!

Pero deep inside gusto kong magsisigaw dun ng YAHOOOHOOOO YEHEYY!

Whew. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag luwag. Nagthank you lang si crush sakanya, THANK YOU LORD!

Gumaan talaga pakiramdam ko after ng convo na yan. Parang nabunutan ako ng malaking tinik jusme. Kumbaga yung 100% na nabawasan at naging 60% eh naging 80% na ulit. Nasa 80% chance nanaman ako hahaha kakatuwa.

Uy ah, pero medyo naawa naman din ako sa thank you pero. Oh well. HAHAH.