“You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. You go through all the pain and strife then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast. So hold on… More
I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.
Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.
I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.
As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.
“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”
I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.
“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”
I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.
I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.
It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.
Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.
Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.
I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.
I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.
Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!
I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.
Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx
This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.
Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google
Rules of Award:
- Put the award/logo image on your blog
- List the rules
- Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
- Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
- Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
- You have to nominate 10-20 people
- Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
- Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
- Share a link to your best post(s)
(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)
I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.
To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!
Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!
3 Things About Myself:
- As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
- I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
- I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.
Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!
- Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?
Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.
- What is your one favourite song? Why?
I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!
- Define yourself in less than 15 words?
I am friendly online, very shy in real life.
- What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?
Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.
- What is life to you?
For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.
My 5 questions:
- What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
- What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
- What is your life motto or mantra?
- What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
- If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?
My Best Post:
My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤
I shall try this! Hmmm
Type. Pause. Backspace. Type some more. No, no. Backspace.
The less I write, the harder it gets. If you’ll excuse the language, writer’s block (and writer’s tentativeness) can be a real bi**h.
A year ago, I started a 30 Day Writing Challenge to test my seemingly insurmountable writer’s block. I would get through it! I would defeat writer’s block! I would write everyday! And I did, except I sort of didn’t, and my initial high-speed interest in the project petered out after day eight or nine. If I even got that far.
This time, though, I’d really like to get through the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Because I can (“I think I can”, said the lil’ engine that could) and I will.
It took me four years and six false starts to complete a photography project. Behind me is a whole slew of unfinished projects and stories and endeavors from over the…
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Cheesy and mushy are my thing with friends—people really close to my heart. But in a prospect for relationship, I’m more of the casual friend-y type. I don’t like guys writing poems for me, writing songs about me, telling me they’re thinking about me. Not that I’m GGSS or something (so shamers, let’s not make it about ourselves lels) I just get really turned off with that kind of thing. Maybe it has something to do with being an INFJ? Or maybe it’s the Alpha female in me. I want challenge. Yung tipong umiikot yung pwet ko kakaisip kung gusto din ba ako nung guy na yun o hindi? That kind of challenge.
We all differ especially with these kinds of things. There are girls who wouldn’t want to deal with challenges and would fall easily for the hopeless romantic type of guy and it’s alright. I guess this is just the other side of the coin is what I’m saying.
So what type of guy or girl would you fall for? The hopeless romantic on the onset or yung friend friend lang kind?
I was just about to count the days after my friendship break up but counting would mean recounting so many bad memories and I’m just not into that right now. Especially that I am feeling extra good about myself and my life lately. No. I will not dull down this empowerment that God’s grace so generously bestowed upon me. He he he.
I was listening to Episode 14 of Wake Up with Jim And Saab and there was this light bulb moment. Like there will always be that someone who will try to bring you down (and succeed in the process) just to make themselves feel better (for a short period of time) because honestly, bringing someone down, breaking him/her to pieces does not make you gain a whole lot. It wouldn’t even make you happier in the long run come to think of it, so why? Why would you do that?
There may have been many reasons, of course and maybe I am also really bound to learn from these kind of things so I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a very long time, I blamed myself. I put myself in this really sad place and look at the happy memories as they flash in my mind every. single. day. then it would dissolve into sad grey colored thing and tears start to well up. That’s a cycle I have put myself into while in this dark, sad place. But day by day, I fight it. Day by day, I try crawling out, grappling every single thing out of the way just so I could see the light again, with bright colored sunshine-y things. Imagine dealing with that for a long time? Blaming yourself for shit. Not understanding everything and thinking to yourself that you actually deserved shit? How did I come as far as not loving myself the way I should? I take in every single thing, when I was questioning myself I put it out in the world and someone said that maybe I was really the bad one? Maybe I was the toxic one and I deserved that? Then at the back of my head I’d think “maybe you’re right” even though I know that I am not like that. That I have a good heart and I cared too much. People would often take my sensitivity as cringe-worthy. Some would even go as far as telling me that I have too much feelings. Maybe yes, you guys are right, but it’s not like I cry in front of everyone and just be sappy and pabebe. No one would even notice that I am sad. It’s all in my thoughts and you guys just see it because I write about it in here and on twitter but it doesn’t mean that I go day by day crying and self-pitying.
All these things made me feel that I was really to be blamed and I try every day to improve myself, to be stronger, to acknowledge what needs to be worked on. However, what I learned in the process of improving myself is to let go. When I let it all go, when I didn’t take simple comments like that (that I’m sure wasn’t intended to make me feel bad about myself) by heart, I felt empowered.
I didn’t need to feel and think like “am I doing it the right way?” because I realized there is no “right way”. We all differ in our areas of strengths and weaknesses so my process and learning would be different from everyone else hence I didn’t need someone else’s approval whether I am doing the moving on and self improvement correctly.
I was able to take a grip and hold myself together for once. I understood myself better and knew myself more. I even loved myself more than I ever did in the past.
With all these, I went back to the time that I was brought down by my friends and looking back, I saw how strong I was to walk away. How I was put down because I can handle the heat, I can handle the stress. Because their own toxicity wouldn’t work on me. And it had to take a collective effort to throw someone under a bus—I must have really been such a top gal wasn’t I? HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, I do not blame myself anymore (or anyone else for that matter) because with learning to love myself, I realized that I don’t deserve that. In fact, nobody deserves something like that. Looking at the bigger picture, what happened was complete and utter bullshit. A complete waste of time and energy.
What did you even gain when you tried to bring a friend down? What did you gain when I left the group? Did it make you really happy knowing that you hurt someone deliberately? Think about it.
I am not bitter anymore and slowly but surely, I am taking away all of what makes me sad in my heart by learning to completely forgive anyone who has hurt me and done me wrong (whether they realize it or not) It’s such a relief for me to be able to love myself and understand myself better now.
They say that grieving is nothing like anger. It’s a loneliness that stays and lives within that never goes away. Once we dealt with loss, we only get used to the pain this separation brought but we never really get over something like this.
Totoo naman talaga diba? Hindi kagaya ng takot, galit at poot. Dahil ang mga ito, nagsasubside, nawawala pag tagal tagal ng panahon. Matututo kang hulmahin ang puso mo na mawalan ito ng galit o takot sa mga tao at pangyayari pero ang kawalan ng minamahal sa buhay—ang pagkamatay, hindi. Hindi ito nawawala. Parang natututo lang tayong mabuhay na mayroong nakatagong sakit sa puso natin na hindi mawala wala.
Nagiging okay lang tayo kasi namumuhay nalang sa kaloob looban, kalalalim laliman n gating damdamin yung sakit pero hindi naman siya nawawala diba. Minsan sana nga kagaya nalang ng galit itong pagdadalamhati eh. Para sure na nawawala.
Matic kasi ako na bago matulog at pag gising na pag gising, si God ang kinakausap ko. Para siyang silent listener. Kuda ako ng kuda, kinukwento ko sakanya yung mga nararamdaman ko, yung mga nangyari, mga naiisip ko. Araw araw humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran para sa mga nagawa kong hindi maganda tapos susundot ako ng mga request lalo na about health and strength.
Minsan kahit paulit ulit na nga yung sinasabi ko sakanya hindi ko pa rin maalala. Parang nabubura sa memorya ko. Hindi ko alam kung sa sobrang antok ko ba o kasi kung ano ano lang sinasabi ko?
Pero tuwing gitna na ng araw, binabalikan ko yung oras na nagdasal ako nung gabi at nung umaga. Inaalala ko kung ano nga ba yung sinabi ko sa Panginoon.
Kanina napaisip ako tapos tandang tanda ko yung dasal ko.
“Lord, ayoko na. Ayoko na silang maisip. Ayoko na silang mapanaginipan ulit. Ayaw ko na”
Tapos ngayon nung inaalala ko yang mga sinabi ko, para bang naawa ako sa sarili ko. Ano ba ako unconsciously? Sa mga oras na mahinang mahina pa ang katawan at isipan ko, ano ba akong klaseng tao? Iniisip ko tuloy, malungkot ba ako? Broken pa ba ako on the inside? Hindi ba ako masaya? Hindi pa ba ako tapos magluksa sa mga taong buhay na namatay lang sa buhay ko? Ano na ba??
Pero bigla ko din naisip na kahit sa mahinang estado ng katawan ko, half asleep man ako, malakas pala ang puso kong kumawala sa mga nakakasakit. Akala ko martyr lang ako habang buhay na kahit gaano kasakit handa akong magpatawad at tanggapin ang mga taong nanakit sa akin ng buong puso. Matagal kong hinintay ang pagbabalik ng mga taong umiwan sakin. Matagal kong iniisip, hinahangad na baka magkaroon ng twist ang storya ng buhay ko, nab aka kapag may ginawa ako at kinausap ko sila, pinuntahan sa bahay o trabaho, mababago ang ihip ng hangin. Magkakaroon ng happy ending.
Pero iba na ngayon.
Alam kong kung hindi man ibigay ng panginoon ang pagkakataon na magkaroon ng second chance sa pagkakaibigang iyon, matatag ako. Kaya ko. Kasi ayaw ko nang masaktan. Ayaw ko na silang isipin, ayaw ko na silang mapanaginipan ulit.
Kagaya ng lahat ng relasyon, hindi perpekto ang sakin, ang sa amin. Hindi naman kasi talaga laging masaya, laging nakakatuwa, laging walang tensyon. Hindi ganoon.
May paminsan minsang pagsundot ng mga nakakainis na scenario. Mga nakakabwisit na quirks at mga nakakapunyetang problema na gusto mo nang malusutan pero stuck kayong dalawa.
Lagi din naman nagiging maayos, laging nagiging okay pagkatapos.
Magkasama kami sa bahay. Nagki-cringe ako sa term na “live in” kasi bukod sa wrong grammar ito dahil siguro shortened term ng “living in one house together” hindi magandang pakinggan. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Kaya mas gusto ko nalang yung term na magkasama sa bahay hahaha.
Iba ang buhay ng magjowang magkasama sa bahay kaysa sa hindi. Para kayong nagbabahay bahayan na hindi. Para kayong unofficial na mag-asawa at bilang next level na ang relasyon niyo at hindi lang simpleng magbf-gf in a conservative country—iba din yung mga tinatalakay na issue at problema.
Nitong nakaraan may hindi kami pagkakaunawaan. Masyadong mataas ang levels ng aking emotions at hindi ko makontrol ang nararamdaman ko. Masyado akong mabilis maiyak at mainis. Hindi nakakatulong. Sa panahon na ito, kagaya ng mga nakalipas—siya ang laging kalmado lang. Maunawain sa tantrums ko at iniintindi ang mga bagay na hindi madaling intindihin tungkol sakin lalo na kapag nilalamon na ng emosyon.
Sa simpleng problemang ito, may kaunting pagsagi sa utak ko ng “baka kailangan ko nalang ng ibang tao”. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Simpleng simple lang yung problema namin, hindi 3rd party, hindi tungkol sa pamilya. Napakasimple kaya hindi ko malaman kung bakit kailangan ko pa yun maisip.
Pero sandali lang bago ko narealize na hindi ko kailangan humanap ng iba. Hindi solusyon ang hiwalayan o kung ano pa. lalo na kung simple lang naman ang problema na pinapalaki ko lang pala.
Hindi ko sinabi sakanya yung sumagi sa isip ko, never akong nag-threat ng hiwalayan kasi alam ko at the end of the day, lagi naman din kaming nagiging okay.
Kasi kahit habang masungit ako makipag-usap sakanya, maririnig mo agad agad ang mga salitang pasensya na na sinsero at walang halong sarkasmo. Maagap siya, mabilis siya humingi ng pasensya lalo’t alam niyang may pagkakamali siya.
Hindi ko kailangang maghalungkat ng mga nakakainis niyang ginawa upang maipunto ko lang yung mga kamalian niya o areas of improvement.
Habang sinusungitan ko siya, ang sagot niya sa akin ay “Pasensya na. alam kong nagkulang ako sa parting iyon. Babawi ako.”
Hindi pa ako kalmado kahit narinig ko ang mga iyan. Sabi ko lang sakanya “sige na sige na, maghanap ka na ng panonoorin natin”. Dali dali naman siyang pumunta sa computer niya at nagtagal siguro ng 30 minutes bago makahanap ng panonoorin sabay sabi “okay ba sayo tong horror?” tapos pinalapit ko siya at niyakap. Nahimasmasan na kasi ako. Hindi na ako parang tigreng aatakihin sya.
Iba lang kasi talaga ang mga pinagaawayan ng mga magkakarelasyon na magkasama sa bahay. Simple pero mas nakakainis kumpara sa hindi. Hindi ko masabi dito kasi masyadong personal hahaha. Inexplain ko lang kasi nabanggit ko yung tungkol sa magkasama sa bahay eh hahah. Pero siguro ganoon talaga. May mga pagsubok na napaka petty pero doon mo makikita ang karakter ng taong karelasyon mo. Kahit ang gulo gulo mo na kausap, mahinahon pa rin siya at kalmado lang.
Wala lang, nakwento ko lang.
Saturday morning reflections
I know this. I know this is PMS because I am extremely emotional over every single thing since yesterday. Every story I read through Facebook posts, every tweet I see that’s filled with joy and love makes me tear up, and today, I am doing the same. I am tearing up mostly over anything I see and read.
I came across a Facebook post that has been shared so many times. It was a long read and more often than not, I just would scroll down and like whatever interests me. This time, I read the whole thing and in a snap, I felt bittersweet feelings—a roller coaster of emotions. Joy and sadness all bundled up together for me to cry over. It’s a story of a dying person, a woman in her mid-40s, fighting stage 4 breast cancer, holding on for dear life. She almost died and everyone was praying for her peaceful passing but somehow, a miracle happened and she was brought back to life again after moments of almost dying.
And so, I realized again, that we are mortals. It is impossible not to die. Death is inevitable.
It’s just really so painful that though we know that we are mere mortals, death of a loved one is just so fucking hard to accept. It’s like you know it will happen but when it does, you are never prepared for it.
It also made me think about life. My life. How I have made it through the twists and turns and how am I still alive and enjoying the bliss of being alive.
I guess what I am getting at is that we focus so much on things that we fail to see what truly matters. We shun the idea of death or how short life is because we are too busy looking at the wrong things for the wrong reasons. We focus on all these negative energies like how to make things right, how to be okay when people do not like us, how to be civil with people who hurt us so much, how to earn forgiveness and how to forgive those that wronged us when in fact, life is so much more bigger than all these things.
I’m not saying that these things and emotions we have do not matter, it’s just that there are far more better things in life we should focus on because indeed, life is short.
I keep hearing in church that in our time of death, in our death beds, we wouldn’t be thinking of all the riches we acquired, all the honors we received in our time, the cars we bought, the good things we have, the food we eat at extravagant occasions—we wouldn’t even be thinking of all those that hurt us because in our last minutes, we would think of all the goodness in which we lived a wonderful life. How we valued our family and people we love. We wouldn’t even be thinking whether the people who hate us before learned to love us or accepted us. No. That wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the last thing in our minds.
So I guess, this is me letting go of all the things that hold me back. This is me moving on from the stress I put myself into just because I want and seek forgiveness, love and validation. This should be the end of it all because I know for sure, when I die, I wouldn’t be thinking about all of those things. The things that broke me and made me so lonely for a period of time.
Let’s all focus on the good things, good memories we have and we will have in our sweet short time on earth.
And just like that, Saturn has finished its retrograde! Whoohoo!!
So first off, a planet retrograde is when a planet appears to be moving in revers or backwards from how it usually moves. This is just an optical illusion though and I can’t explain (because I don’t know haha) Retrogrades are believed to affect progress, has certain effects of disruption whether in communication, electronic devices and life in general! Each planet differs in their effects during their retrograde (and I will not talk about it in this post).
Let’s just focus on Saturn retrograde instead.
Saturn is the ruler of discipline, responsibility, karma, limitations and restrictions. During its retrograde, a force around us feels like we need to evaluate our lives, the mistakes we did, the past haunts us and shit like that. We end up thinking about the what ifs and could have beens and though Saturn retrograde is pretty painful, it helps us mend our life and go the right track. Realizing the mistakes made in the past makes way for enlightenment and change. So if you’re feeling a little more reflective than usual the past couple of months, then let’s blame Saturn retrograde for it buwahaha.
It ends today and I’m glad it did. There’s too much suffering inside my head already but it’s also a bit of myself doing that I guess. And since Saturn gave me a full blow impact, it led me to something…
It led me to this—I am working extra hard to achieve change that will make me a better person. This meant:
- Since I am working on my “change”, you will not be seeing much of my face on social media and even here on my blog. I always post pictures of myself—alone and with friends but this time around, I won’t until my birthday! I plan on doing this because I want to really change myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s not necessary but I just want to really focus on working on myself intimately and I don’t want social media to have anything to do with it.
- Physically: I’m extra focused on working on my health. I’m not even halfway there yet but I’m working on it by making it a point to do Yoga daily and to squeeze boxing at least once or twice a week.
- Mentally and Emotionally: I want to be more zen and focused with this whole transformation thing. I plan on a lot of different things I would do but it’s rooted from self-love than any other.
- Spiritually: I will continue yoga and meditation. Aside from that, church will also play a huge part to this!
This is the last photo of me you’ll see this year!
With our favourite Ippudo crew –they have been serving us for I’m not even sure if it’s 3 years or 2 years but since we began eating at Ippudo on a weekly basis, we developed an interesting friendship with these people. There were more friends we gained at Ippudo but they are not working on this particular shift.
This is Kyx and our friends goofing around at last weekend’s art exhibit.
And this is me showing off Kyx’s ability to be an ig boyfriend. He used to be really annoyed when I ask him to take my photo but things have changed haha.
There are still 3 planets in retrograde but all shall be well. See ya!