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Finding Myself in the Process

I look back at how I was not just roughly 3 months ago, I look back at how I have been as a person for the past 15 years, I couldn’t recount everything I ever did, good and bad, but I recall most of it as if it just happened yesterday. I look back and try my hardest to see who I was, who I have become and who I was trying to be. What have I done with my life, what did I do to myself.

Most of who I was didn’t belong to the soul I once knew when I was younger. I tragically lost myself, piece by piece in every blow life gave me.

I lost a part of me when my mom had to work overseas, I lost a part of me when I transferred schools and welcomed a new life, I lost a part of me when I didn’t get to see most of the people I have seen for the past 5 years of my life in middle school. I lost a part of me when little by little I found myself trying so hard to belong in a community that I didn’t fit in in the first place. I lost myself as I found new friends, I lost myself in all the heartbreak, judgment and torture I had to deal with in everything—in high school. I turned into a different person altogether and I didn’t know that until I had to lose everything that I am.

As if I didn’t lose a lot yet, I had to lose a huge chunk of my social circle and that was the last straw until I lost myself.lost

“I found the parts of me I didn’t know existed, then it all made sense.”

I lost myself fully. I had to breakdown, I had to have a lot of meltdowns, I had to be torn apart, stripped off of what I used to have, I had to tear myself piece by piece, I had to blind myself with tears. I had to cripple myself, I had to crawl to find my way back. I had to claw and fight with my own demons and yes it took all of me. It took all of my heart and soul in one blow and then I found myself.

“I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself.”

I found all the missing pieces, I found all the parts of me that I have lost for the past 15 years. I found the parts of me that I didn’t know existed then it all made sense.

I had to go through hell and back with myself for myself. I had to be broken down so I can build myself. I had to get lost so I can find my way back, I had to be blinded by tears so it could clear my eyes too. I had to be stripped off and torn apart so I can put myself back together, I had to be crippled so I could learn to stand and walk again. I had to lose myself so I can find it in the process.

It took all of who I was so I can be the person I always wanted and I guess that makes everything fair and just.

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Did I really need to lose all the friends I had for this cause? Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows? Because at this rate, at this very moment, I can’t blame anybody else, not even myself. Because what happened may have happened differently but still, it happened because it was the consequence of the bouncing actions that had been buried fresh without closure.

Do I still feel sad when I think about it? Yes. It’s a mix of yes and no to be honest. However, I guess I only feel sad because I terribly miss every single one of my (ex)(best) friends! Imagine waking up one day without your besties right? But then that’s probably how things should be.

I am still lucky and blessed enough to have people that are still my friends. My family has always been with me through whatever and that I guess should be enough motivation to become a better person instead of wallowing to loneliness.

I didn’t want to name the people that I am grateful for because honestly, I am grateful for anyone who has been with me and who taught me how to be a better person.

Aside from Kyx and my Family, shout out to Gert, Dianne, Ayen, Bea, Abi, Jan, Vannessa, Airah, Rubert, Aki, Lyndon, King, Ramon, Jai, Dinah, Karen, Jane, Anne, Mara, Marga, Nics, Win, Rio, Wys, Suz, Jhown, Angel, TC, Joy, Saisho, Erin, Lot, Bea Ab**, Mariel, Jude, Moi, Yna, Eds, Tals, Mu, Eunice, Erwin, Erica, Dyan, Ian, MG, Zelda, Faye, Riva, Ten, Edel, Anj, Mimi, Heddy, Diane, Chelsea, Janine, Leli, Angel, Ara, Shai, Rosalie, Ghe, Dulay—for constantly being there for me!

I’ve got a lot of other people that I wanna say thank you to but I guess, you guys know who you are. Hahaha.

Also, to my blog readers; for the support all day everyday. xx

This is pretty similar to my spontaneous post last night, I had to just sit down and write a “better” version of the one I published haha.

 

 

Featured Image: My own painting (inspired by an artist who originally made that painting. I just made my own version); December 2016 ; Other images: Found in google

 

Featured

Mystery Blogger Award

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Rules of Award:

  1. Put the award/logo image on your blog
  2. List the rules
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  4. Mention the creator of the award and provide link as well
  5. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself
  6. You have to nominate 10-20 people
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)
  9. Share a link to your best post(s)

(For future nominees, you may use the above “rules” to comply on your award post)

I was nominated by Zheng Fan to do this Mystery Blogger Award. It’s such a pleasure to be nominated to something like this not because of the “award” or title itself (I’m basically clueless about these things) but because people thought of me to be part of this and that’s what matters most.

To Zheng Fan, we only interacted very little for the past days simply because I think we just found each other’s blogs very recently. Now that I kept reading what you write, I feel like (aside from regularly reading your stuff now) I found someone who I can relate to and someone I’d learn a lot of stuff from. Thank you for nominating me!

Answering your questions are fun and refreshing!

3 Things About Myself:

  1. As much as possible, I write not only to express my raw emotions but to help other people learn from my experiences.
  2. I have depression, anxiety and OCD. But that is not going to stop me from being successful. I have suicidal tendencies but I try to be as strong as I can!
  3. I love my mom and the rest of my family so much.

Wow, these 5 questions are so simple but so hard to answer! It took me a lot of minutes to get through these simple questions and I found myself weighing things like my life depended on it. Nonetheless, I found it enjoyable!

 

  1. Who is your one favourite public person (in the history of mankind)? Why?

Oh my god why is this so hard to answer? I don’t know a lot of public people, like I don’t know their advocacies and principles in life. I guess my favourite public person would be none other than, Oprah Winfrey. She went through hell and back but still managed to become a successful individual. She did not let her struggles get the best of her and that is very inspirational for me. It makes all my struggle easy to deal with by just knowing that people like Oprah fought their way to success even if it was so hard to do.

  1. What is your one favourite song? Why?

I have a lot of favourite songs and it’s hard to choose just one. But maybe, as of the moment, I’ll go with “Grace to Grace” by Hillsong United. If you haven’t heard of that song, listen to it especially when you feel like everything is fucking up. It helps so much!

 

  1. Define yourself in less than 15 words?

I am friendly online, very shy in real life.

 

  1. What is the one most important trait you look for in a partner?

Loving. When you are loving, everything follows. A loving person cares, when a person cares, they wouldn’t want to break your trust, they’d stay loyal and support you no matter what. When they love you, they’d tell you when you did something wrong so you can improve yourself and when you did something awesome, they’d appreciate it.

 

  1. What is life to you?

For me, life is an awesome adventure. The image of adventure to me is where you find purpose, learn that purpose, meet amazing people, learn a lot of lessons the hard and easy way, accepting defeat and standing tall after every fall. That for me is an adventure—and that’s how I see life.

My Nominees:

  1. Addie

2. Anaida

3. Fernanda

4. Kendall

5. Lu

6.  Bharath

7. Kate

8. Lorraine

9. Phoebe

10. Owning A Dog With Anxiety

 

My 5 questions:

  1. What is your advice to people going through a friendship breakout?
  2. What is your advice to those who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives?
  3. What is your life motto or mantra?
  4. What is the number one lesson in life you learned that you want to share to others.
  5. If you wish to visit any country what would it be and why?

 

My Best Post:

My best post would probably be this I Need Your Opinion, Please Not because of the content itself but for the support I got from you guys. ❤

Kwentuhan Tayo #2

Jusko naman, kwento ko lang last night yung moment of enlightenment ko ha. Kasi naman 2nd day palang into 2019 umiyak na ako kaagad, ano ba naman yan diba? Pero don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing. I was just really feeling a bit overwhelmed and emotional. Andiyan papasok bigla yung self-doubt at takot, napangungunahan ako ng ganitong thoughts kaya di ko kinakaya na napaiyak nalang ako hahaahhahha.

Sobrang bago kasi itong career change na ito para sa akin. Ang personality ko kasi is sanay ako sa routine. Sanay ako sa alam ko. Ako yung tipong pipiliin yung long travel na kabisado ko kaysa sa shortcut na hindi ako familiar. Ako yung uulit ulitin ang order sa paulit ulit na restaurant kasi ganon talaga ako. In short, hindi ako talaga sana sa taking risks, seeking the great perhaps and all that. Hindi ako sanay umalis sa comfort zone ko so this year ko yun gagawin and natatakot ako hahahah. Syempre normal lang naman siguro ang makaramdam ng ganitong emotion kaya hindi naman ako naiinis sa sarili ko. Isa pa, naiisip ko na sobrang mahihirapan ako kasi ibang iba talaga yung career path na tatahakin ko ngayon. Hindi siya ever sumagi sa utak ko na gagawin ko kahit kailan but here I am??? So paano diba? Kaya ko ba? Gusto ko sanang umatras, umurong, mag-BPO na lang ulit ako kasi mas alam ko kalakaran doon pero sabi ni Kyx kasi, ngayon pa ba ako susuko? Ngayon pa ba ako aatras eh andito na ako.

Feeling ko hindi ko kasi magagampanan ng mahusay yung position kaya lang ang nega ko naman kung ganon. So eto na:

  1. Sigurado ako, hindi ibibigay ni Lord sakin ito kung hindi ko kakayanin. Sabi nga nila, lahat ng challenges na binibigay sa iyo ay kaya mong malampasan. So kaya ko din siguro ito no?!
  2. Dapat paulit ulit kong isipin ano nga ba ang purpose ko why I started? Ano ba yung goal ko bakit ko ba ito kinuha. May deeper reason so dapat lagi kong balikbalikan yun.
  3. I fear that I won’t have enough time anymore for my family and friends dahil sa super busy na ng magiging work ko, kaya lang sometimes kailangan ng little sacrifices like this for a greater reason.

Ngayon naman kalmado na ako eh. Kagabi lang ako nagiinarte. Sige 2019, i-push natin ito!

Complicated

It’s the early 2000s and as I wait for my school bus, I called Faye using our landline “Wala pa si tito bobbit?” –tito bobbit is how we call our school bus driver. I had to call her just to make sure that the school bus hasn’t arrived yet because I am starting to think that maybe, tito Bobbit forgot about me or that I was still sleeping when he came to pick me up, gahh my anxiety. Obviously, wala pa because Faye is still there. Faye gets picked up first, then me, then Bea. The phone call ended immediately because there’s nothing to talk about at just 6:00 in the morning. I called Bea and told her that Faye has not even been picked up yet. She’s relieved because she just finished taking a bath so I told her to get ready “bilisan mo na!”

I turn the radio on and turn it up as Avril Lavigne sang Complicated. “somebody else ‘round everyone else you’re watching your back like you can’t relax, you’re trying to be cool you look like a fool to me”. I don’t really like her, well my best friend Gee and I didn’t like her but I sing along to the song and hear my school bus honk its horn and I ran for the door. My brother Aldous wanted me to eat pandesal with Ligo sardines because he insists it tastes good. Sometimes it tastes good but more often than not, I don’t like it. “Di ka kakain??” sounding a little disappointed, I smiled and said “eh andito na si tito bobbit eh”. In a few seconds, I am out the house, running to the gate. “Hi Tisay!” tito Bobbit greeted, I used to hate him for calling me Tisay but since he started that when I was in 1st grade, I kinda grew to just let him call him that even if he meant the opposite of “tisay”.

I enter the school bus (it wasn’t a bus per se but a big van filled with girls since I go to an all-girls school) and sit on my usual spot in the morning trip. Everyone is quiet inside the bus, most of my friends are  trying to still catch some sleep before school happens and some are just staring blankly somewhere. I sat there, look out the window and kept singing Complicated in my head. I reached for Cool Air gum in my pocket and ate two of it. Usually I would save the other piece for a different time.

I can’t wait to reach school and tell my best friend how I like Complicated and loathe Sk8er Boi like it’s the most important thing to say. I started thinking about how my day would pan out, I can’t wait for lunch time because we’d go play at the school’s Playground! No one usually goes there at lunch time so I like it. I am already planning the course we’d take for my made up Global Guts and Legends of the Hidden Temple and smile at the thought that of course, Gee and I would win again today. We always aim to be the Champs especially since I stopped being a scaredy cat for the high monkey bars and bridge we’d cross.

I remember how I felt that day, I remember how easy everything was and the only thing complicated was Avril Lavigne’s Complicated.

Top 5 Things 2018 Taught Me

I said it before and I’ll say it again. 2018 was not the best but definitely not the worst especially now that I am realizing I did learn a lot of things this year.  It was not as shitty as 2017 as we all know that’s the year I suffered a lot. However, true to what I believed, 2018 was the year of my healing. It wasn’t all bright and sunshine-y because maybe, I was thinking that healing is this really happy place of acceptance and repentance and love and everything hopeful only to find out that healing is embracing pain, lifting yourself up every time you fall down, it’s forgiving others and mostly yourself for every stupid thing that put you in pain, it’s learning to open your doors again, it’s understanding that there would be circumstances that will break your heart but you’ll eventually be okay, it’s meeting other people and learning from them, it’s being okay with solitude, it’s a lot of things far better than what I thought it would be. Although definitely difficult, still, it’s beautiful.

2018, my year of healing, you did not let me down. God did not let me down and of course, the universe did not let me the fuck down this time and gave me a fully healed heart. So I will share with you guys my top/favourite things I learned this year.

  1. No other than, self-love. It wasn’t easy to love myself knowing full well that I am so flawed. That I hurt people, I am judgmental and I always always close my door without giving other people chances whatsoever so it’s really hard for me to love myself because of who I have become but this year, I learned and I was able to give myself some loving and the rest just followed! Everything changed and I am happy!
  2. Balancing my pride. It was hard because I am filled with pride and if it can kill, I’m already dead but this year was just so humbling that I learned how to balance my pride and all that.
  3. I understood that imperfections and losing a bit of control is okay. Sometimes, being too controlling can ruin your life so I stopped and learned how to let things go without the automatic palpitations that comes with it.
  4. I accepted the fact that there will always always always be room for improvement therefor it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to not be the best.
  5. LOVE AND KINDNESS are two essential things to acquire peace in life.

I’ll save more of these things for later! ❤

Mini Goals for 2019

I don’t have anything planned for 2019 yet because I am trying to teach myself how to get through each day with the “one day at a time” mentality. Mostly it will be very very very difficult for me but at least, I am trying. I have set mini goals though and maybe these are resolutions? I am not sure but whatever.

  1. One of my main problems is I suck at replying to people. Whether it is a message or a comment, I suck at it. The most that people get from me is if they tweet me because 80% of the time, I wouldn’t miss w twitter comment or something like that. Although there’s about 20% chance I would miss it but still.. (oh forgive me for the use of ellipses he he) so this year, I will work more on my ability to actually reply to people. It’s not their fault I suck at it and it’s nothing personal. 80% of the time, I didn’t get to see it. AT ALL. and 20% I reply on my head. This time I’ll be more reliable when it comes to virtual communication. Hayy
  2. I don’t know but I don’t save people’s numbers on my phone. I guess I’m too irresponsible and lazy to do so. This year, I’ll try to save people’s number!!
  3. I’ll try to smile more. I don’t do it in person that’s why I get mistaken for being super sungit but I’m just really shy. Too shy to smile levelz.

Maybe I’ll add more to this list soon!

HAPPY!

I was writing my year recap when I decided to stop and read what I wrote last year. My oh my, 2017 was actually really bad. Worse than 2018 I swear hahaha. I was cringing the entire time when I read my past entries. Grabe, nkklk.

I attempted to write my highlights or even do a year recap but it’s pointless, most of my highlights have already been written here (so ano? Paulit ulit tayo haha)

Instead, let me write about how happy I am.

I am not really a festive person, I don’t  like celebrating things especially Christmas because I have been always grieving for the past years. Laging may namamatay and it’s just so lonely to even think of celebrating in a funeral home diba? So the best plot twist that 2018 gave me is to have a chance of celebrating this year’s Christmas day filled with joy and happiness. I mean it’s still not perfect because 2 of my brothers are not home for Christmas but this is the first time that no one died and no heart breaking incident happened. Of course, like I said it wasn’t perfect because I don’t have enough money to buy people gifts but the good side is I don’t have money because they held my salary because…I am already turning over my work!!! I have finally submitted my resignation letter muhahahaa.

So what else am I happy about despite my nagtitipid ass?

  • FULLY HEALED FROM THE PAST!!!!!!!!
  • (not) ready to start my new job in Feb!
  • My mental health is in a better state compared to the past months filled with anxiety.

What else? Ahhh I can’t think of anything else to write about. I am just really happy right now and I hope everyone else is happy too.

By the way, how was your Christmas celebration? Did you guys celebrate Christmas?

Mini side chika: we didn’t really prepare for Christmas as in we didn’t cook anything. We spent our Christmas day at our relative’s house where other relatives stay there to celebrate too. It was really fun and for the first time in many years, it felt good to celebrate Christmas.

I miss chikahan with you guys so tonight, I will visit your blogs muhahaha. Bye!

Kwentuhan Tayo

This blog entry will be written in Filipino. I shall write something about this in English very soon.


Ayun na nga mga bakla ang tagal kong hinintay tong pagkakataon na ‘to talaga. Well actually nasusulat ko naman na before na sobrang saya ko na kasi kumbaga nakamove on na ako, masaya na ako tapos hindi na ako galit. Pinagdaanan ko yung stages of grief sa buong 2 years and sa middle ng 2018, dun ko siguro napush yung mapunta ako sa Acceptance stage. After non, nag-focus na ako kung paano ko ba mapapaganda yung buhay ko, kung paano ba ako magiging masaya sa sarili ko na hindi ko na iisipin yung mga malulungkot at masasakit na pinagdaanan ko.

It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

Hindi na bago sainyo ang kwentong yon pero in short, sa isang malaking circle of friends since HS, kasama ang dalawa kong best friends, nagaway away kami. Actually, ako lang yung inaway nila. So yung 2 best friends ko nawala sa akin. Hindi ko iniisip na hindi na kami magkakabati pero nagmove on talaga ako kahit sobrang hirap. Alam niyo yan, lalo na yung matatagal nang kaibigan ko sa blogosphere, alam niyo yung paulit ulit akong magmomove on at paulit ulit din akong hindi bigla makamove on. Diba? Habang naloloka ako, andiyan kayo na naloloka din dahil naloloka ako *kaya sobrang salamat talaga*

Not so long ago, nakapagusap kami nung isang ex bff ko and okay naman, civil pero hindi kami yung kagaya ng dati. Civil lang ganon. And for me, it was enough. Nasasaktan pa rin ako and siguro hindi ako ready din nung time na yon kaya siguro ganon din ang binigay ni God.

Fast forward to November—okay naman ako naaalala ko sila, pero di ako naiiyak. Hindi na rin ako nalulungkot. Parang sakto lang. Tapos narealize ko na siguro sa self nga muna ako magfofocus talaga.

December—biglang nagmessage yung isang ex bff ko. Mabilis yung mga pangyayari eh, biglang one moment nagsabi lang siya na napapanaginipan niya ako the next thing I know nasa labas siya ng bahay namin. Magkape daw kami. Napagusapan naming yung nangyari, nagkapatawaran kami tapos parang walang nangyari.

By the way guys, siya yung hindi umaway sakin na out of the blue. Siya yung nagalit sakin kasi nagkakarambolan na sa group chat tapos nasabi na yung mga sinabi ko tungkol sakanya nung high school kami. (madalas kasi ako magcomment ng mga pambully ganon) tapos nung nalaman niya yun nagalit siya sakin. So siya yung in reality ay may karapatan talagang magalit sakin HAHAH.

It took her 2 years din bago magreach out sakin. Hindi ko inakala talaga na 2 years lang aabutin. Alam ko in my heart na magkakaayos kami pero ang thinking ko is yung kapag may asawa na kami, may mga anak na, as in mga matatanda na talaga. Di ko inakala na 2 years lang.

Explain ko lang din kung gaano ka-deep relationship namin. Yung mama ko at mama niya, mag bestfriends. HAHAH. So simula talaga bata, mag bestfriends din kami. So kilalang kilala ko siya kaya siguro sumama din loob ko kasi hindi ko inexpect na magagalit din siya sakin haha. Pero ayun nga. Nangyari na rin naman and ang galing lang kasi alam ko talaga na magkakabati kami eh. Kahit kaming dalawa lang, or kahit kaming tatlo in God’s perfect time, pero not THIS soon.

Nung nilet go ko lang lahat at hinayaan na si God, ang universe, ang tadaha at oras ang gumawa ng paraan, tsaka naging okay ang lahat.

Speaking terms na ulit kami mga bakla. Hindi ko rin naiisip o nararamdamang mahirap ibalik yung dati kasi alam ko din naman yung pagkakamali ko sakanya. Siguro sa buong circle of friends namin, siya yung talagang iniyakan ko at yung isa. Haha.

Hindi ko na naiisip kung ano man ang shortcomings niya sa mga nangyaring iyon, napatawad ko na din ang sarili ko at napatawad din niya ako sa mga mali kong nagawa o nasabi (kasi sa totoo lang mababawa lang talaga yun. Na-blow out of proportion lang. Wala akong sinabi tungkol sa kanya na damaging or demeaning. Talagang mababaw na nagkandaleche leche lang) kaya siguro madali para samin na ipag-patche patche yung mga pieces na nalamatan.

Tapos this week lang kasi pinapakinig sakin ni Kyx yung “Dati” na cover ng Ben&Ben na originally pinerform ni Sam Concepcion at Tippy Dos Santos. Yung tema talaga ng kanta is about sa past tapos parang childhood friends sila turned to sweethearts. Pero nung narinig ko yun, silang dalawa yung naalala ko. Eto kasi yung lyrics/lines na relate kaming 3 HAHA

“lagi lagi ka samin dumiderecho pag-uwi” –ganyan kami. Magkakapitbahay kasi kaming 3.

“umaawit ng theme song na sabay kinabisa, o kay sarap namang mabalikan ang alaala” –lagi kami nagmememorize nung mga kanta. May hit songs songbook pa kami lagi.

Tapos susundutan mo ng

“Sana mabalik ang dati nating pagsasama” at “Ngunit marami ngayo’y malayo ka, malabong mangyari. Ang aking pagtingin, ibulong nalang sa hangin, pangarap nalang din na gaya pa rin ng dati”

Hindi ko maiwasan na sila yung maalala ko nung narinig ko yan. (Pakinggan niyo ah, ang ganda. Nanalo yan sa PhilPop 2013.)

Masaya ako na una sa lahat, nagkaintindihan kami at nagkapatawaran sa mga mali namin pareho. Pangalawa, bumalik na yung dating kami. Kahit kaming dalawa lang.

Ayun lang yung kwento ko. Masaya lang ako. Masaya ako na tama kayo ng sinabi sa akin na makakamove on ako, na magiging okay ang lahat.

So pano, inuman na!


**wala pa din yung bwakanangshet na 13th month pay namin HELLO GUYS 5 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS WALA PA DIN? ANYARE??? ANOMPETSA NA???????**

Why Worry?

I always miss the point of living in the NOW only to be reminded by several things, events and most especially, God to stop overthinking what will be.

I worry so much about tomorrow that I miss the point of today. Don’t be like me.

Stop worrying about the future because it’s always uncertain. How sure are we that the future we’re thinking about will exist if we die tomorrow? Or what if we die today and instead of living in the moment, we kept thinking about what will happen next week?

So stop it. Whatever it is you’re worrying about, forget it. We can always and only hope for so much, for things to be better and convenient but it’s a waste of time to think about it to the point that you’re wasting away your days.

Last last week I think, was the week I kept crying. Every day, I worry about my finances. My family’s needs, my needs, travel funds and all that crap. As in naiiyak ako point blank just thinking about it and Kyx would comfort me, he would assure me that I don’t need to worry because he’s there with me et cetera, et cetera. Aside from I can actually rely on Kyx in times of needs, ang tagal pa ng iniisip ko! It’s not even here yet, it’s not even about to happen. It’s all in my head and I keep stressing myself about it. Ano ba yan?

So ayan. If I were you, wag akong tularan.

Also, hindi pa rin pumapasok 13th month pay naming bwakananginaaaaaangshet. Animal.